Venting Motivation to keep trying at life while collapse is imminent

[Justaroguegear]

I recently had an attitude shift due to finally finding a reliable source of shrooms. I used to have the perspective that existing is an awful thing and I couldn't die fast enough. That every moment I spent alive due to biological limits that make it hard to off yourself were just adding more and more to the misery. Then I had another shift when I managed to salvage my mental health, gained more confidence than I ever had, and became way less anxious and not depressed at all. In this period I suddenly had the clarity that I could do it if I wanted to, the method seemed to be the least of my problems, whereas before it was the biggest thing that stopped me. I didn't think it made sense to do it because I suddenly regained control of things and I could at least break even when it came to misery. This was the time to try to live my life to make all the misery worth it somehow. I didn't think it likely that it would ever get there, or possible that it could tip the other way. I felt the most I could do was break even.

I had another attitude shift though, because I recently made a breakthrough and found a reliable shroom source. It's the thing that helped mie deal with life before, and subconsciously it became my goal to seek it out a much as possible and was worried it might not happen again. But here I am and I couldn't be happier, I trip pretty often, much more than recommended by general wisdom or whatever. I think I somehow have the mental fortitude to deal with the trips and not get too swept away. I sometimes I had downer ish trips but I wouldn't say bad trips like nightmarish ones that are infamous. The worst trips I had usually involved thoughts that I tripped too fast and was underwhelmed because of tolerance, I wasted money and time this way, I should've just cleaned my living space instead, things like that. Tripping while having little sleep over the weekend
(sorry I accidentally pressed post while writing at this point, I will continue in a reply)
So tripping while I probably would've been sleeping after work in the afternoon and having work the next day was a kind of "bad" trip but even those are better than reality and I learn and gain insight into myself every time, these ones help with figuring out when to trip and what mental state lead to a reckless decision, to take a trip just because I couldn't handle the rest of the afternoon, in my mind. What I could've realistically done instead with the day that would've helped my mood and was maybe even productive, at least a little bit. I just somehow have the talent to get the most out of shrooms. They help me deal with every day bullshit and I think I achieved way more than I normally could've. The worst they do is take up time and money and the recovery can slightly derail things but all in all it's positive and it's the best possible thing I could be doing with my life, being handed this existence. I would even go as far as to say that it has made life a net positive somehow and I feel lucky to have experienced all the things I did to get to where I am now and found the thing that makes it all worth it. Whatever happens after this, it doesn't matter, I can always die, and the shrooms made it all worth it anyway. I'm free to try whatever I want without fear. I will always have the shrooms. And if I don't and I can't deal with life there's always death.

However the whole dying planet thing just puts a bit of a damper on things.
I mean I figured out I could improve my life even more, get a much better or job if I put effort into it, and open up all kinds of new possibilities with money. I'm not sure if it's all worth it though, if collapse is coming soon. I mean all that effort wasted just to die a horrible death because the apes that pulled me out of the void have no limits when it come to excess. I could've tripped in that time and I could've stayed at this lame job that I have, because even in this I found peace and I can see how I could keep going this for a while, make it all worth it. If I truly believed the end is coming I shouldn't waste time career wise, maybe for short term money to prepare somehow for the worst.
I don't think I would live very long if society collapses, if things are clearly hopeless than I'm the first one out the door. If nukes fly and I survive and everything around me is irradiated and I'm burned or I get sick soon after then it's time to go. But maybe I should stock up on some food to at least give it a try for a short while and survive as long as it's comfortable. Just to see the world burning. Not from a nuclear disaster, then there's not much left to see.

So I'm not really sure maybe I should get a move on and work on my life so I can maybe experience a better one until it all goes to shit, but then I really should really hurry, because I don't think there will be much of a world left in a few decades.

So yeah if the world wasn't ending then maybe I could reallu succeed at things, despite the fact that I hate that I had to exist, ripped from the void to go to work. I could get over that fact, in fact I did get over it, but it would be really nice if the outlook of the world wasn't so terrible.

 

[Oblivion Access]

Happy to hear you were able to find a shroom source and that they've had such a positive impact on you, I'm kinda jealous. My trips tended towards the hellish mostly due to my stubborn insistence to take large doses supplemented with weed in unfamiliar environments, which basically amounted to my mind exploding. I did experience tremendous depression and anxiety relief for days afterwards so most of the value from psychedelics to me was not even in the trip but rather the aftermath. If I knew then about how good phenibut is for avoiding bad trips, I would probably have taken advantage of that combined with the cheap, available 4-aco-dmt I had access to at one point.

The "it's all gonna go to hell anyway, I should just have fun... But maybe a should try a bit harder?" Dilemma is one I'm intimately familiar with. I decided I'd rather be poor and dependent on others than be a wageslave given what I know, even if it is to my detriment a lot of the time, I will presumably need to work in some capacity to afford substances which is kinda all I care about at this point, as shallow as it is, they've beaten the shit out of me but they haven't let me down.But yeah, what could be more absurd than knowing how fucked we are and how rapidly we're tumbling down a hill while still having to cosplay a chalkfaced buffon and pretend everything is Gucci in exchange for money?

I hope to find the attitude of I'm glad I was here to experience this, however it ends you've displayed here - I had a grasp of it at some point, surely I could manage it again. By the way, is that an Al-Ma'arri profile pic? Exquisite taste in poet/philosophers.

 

[Justaroguegear]

By the way, is that an Al-Ma'arri profile pic? Exquisite taste in poet/philosophers.

Yes to be honest I don't know much about him but I was blown away by the opinions he held so long ago
Even today most people would oppose his views.