LackOfDetermination
Nothing Without Determination.
- Sep 2, 2025
- 27
It is often hard for me to separate things, whether it be politics, media, and random information or youtube tutorials, likely due to my habit of connecting things that make no sense to others. If someone says one thing, it makes me think of another, which in turn makes me think of another.... probably caused by my autism. Anyway, I've been on here for a lil bit now, and have been lurking for a few months before that, so I thought I'd put this here since the I ctb fast approaches. No, I'm not giving an exact date both because I don't want this account connected to me nor do I like to plan things out that thoroughly in the first place.
Ever since I was child I've been extremely stubborn, yet lazy. i know, kind of contradictory, right? Well, not for me. I like to do things a certain way, and any way other than my way, no matter how much easier, is exponentially harder for me to do. In this way, I've always take the path of least resistance throughout my life, always choosing the method that felt easiest for me, no matter if there was an easier way to do so and would pat myself on the back for this going on years. I even developed my own method of doing my math because the school's way was too annoying and relied on writing too much, which was physical effort I'd rather not "waste". I'd often even challenge the teachers to discount my written work that was usually along the lines of "this is that which make that this" without showing any equations, only the results of each step i performed, even if it was far harder to keep track of everything in my head and I would sometimes misremember and have to redo things several times, making me finish exams almost last, even if I got good scores.
I also often would tie my shoes a certain way, put on my clothes a certain way, brush and style my hair in a bedhead kind of style, not caring how people perceived me, because I was used to these methods, not because they were objectively "easier". It is also kind of hard for me to give examples, or detail the few examples I remember, due to my constant repression of my memories.
I am not sure when it started, but I've been repressing any and all of my "bad" memories for as long as i can remember. maybe it started when my step cousin tried to choke me to death with a pillow when I was a preschooler? perhaps it was when someone I thought was my best friend pushed me off of a high stool taller than me (at the time) onto the concrete steps of his garage, hurting my back to the point I could barely feel my legs, and then laughed at me and started throwing rocks at me every time he saw me after that. Maybe it was one of the many times my mother was on the verge of death? It's entirely possible that I will never know, but one thing is certain, it is one of the things that has affected the course of my life the most. Many of these things i didn't even know happened until others who had been there informed me of them, making me almost not believe them. However, the closer i come to ctb, the more my memories are coming back to me.
It wasn't until recently that I realized I haven't only been depressed since I was 14, but far before that. When I was younger, around 3rd grade, I had gone out of my way to annoy the older kids and teens around me purposely until they would decide to hurt me to get me to shut up or leave them alone. On the bus, I nooyed the middle schoolers until they'd slam my head into the metal floor of the bus repeatedly, leaving me dazed, and likely causing the complete lack of memory I have of my school in that time, even though I remember the clubs and extracurricular activities I'd done on the weekends and breaks perfectly. I had also terrorized the teens in th neoghborhood until they'd try to physically remove me by picking me up, and then of course I'd bite or hit them with a smile on my face while egging them on to hit me back, all for the love of the pain (and coming to think of it, I always laughed almost manically as the middle schoolers slammed my head into the metal floor of the bus.). Another time in 3rd grade, I'd accidentally done something that almost caused the neighborhood to burst into flames if anyone had even lit a cigarette before the firefighters arrived, and when I found out, I secretly hoped it would so I could die... of course I can't say what i did since it would connect this account to me since I would always talk about in the same way Sunny from Shadow Slave talked about his absurd stories every time we had two truths and a lie in school after that, and then wondered why people thought i was insane and avoided me, lol.
Other times throughout my life, I always punched myself to the beat of whatever song I ws listening to, laving bruses all over my thighs, and thought that was completely normal. One time, I had gotten into an argument with my folks and started punching myself in the stomach as hard as I could to alleviate the stress, since I knew that if I had taken out my anger any other way, I would just confirm their thoughts of me being a danger to everyone around me.... And still never thought that it was a sign of anything, as I had grown up in a household that doesn't believe in mental health issues or depression, even though many of my parents' family members and ancestors had ctb'd, usually with shotguns to the face one day.
Funnily enough, one of my favorite characters in fiction is GladOs, and has been since around 3rd grade as well... All because I liked the way sh degraded me, and it of course shaped my entire taste in women after that, to the point I developed a crush on evry girl that ever showed disdain or hate towards me, even to the point that I would actively ruin my reputation by being as annoying as possible just to get those reactions until around 7th grade, due to social anxiety and confidence issues caused by (understably) having practiaclly no friends after 3rd grade due to that very behavior.
Now, on to the meat and potatoes, as they say. What's the backstory of my username? well, it's pretty obvious, as you most likely thought. I've always lacked a certain motivation, really for anything. I've never wanted anything for my future, but i did lways have a dream. A drem to make the world a better place, a utopia of sorts, but I never considered it a possibility in the first place, so I gave up. i never had the determination to follow through with that dream, nor the dtermination to find a new dream, or the determination to become a better person. i never had the determination to put effort into bettering my body. Although i've never been fat, my athleticism stopped at being the fastest runner in 6th and 7th grade. i once did taekwondo, but never did it more than onc or twice a week, and never practiced outside of the building. like before i never had the determination to study, using my stubbornness and a bet made as a child as an excuse. i once had the oppurtunity to skip grades, and the oppurtunity to get a grant back in 5th and 6th grade, but refused because I didn't hve th dtermination to put the effort necessary for it, and knew it.
I've lso always been one to run away from every problem, starting from childhood. when i was scared at night, i'd hide under the covers even though i knew that would do nothing, when an uncomfortable social situation came up, i would quite literally, in the physical sense, run away. There was a girl I liked in the 7th grade that was a weeb, tall, and every bit my type, but she told me her mother would only allow her to date a boy she (the mother) met, and when i finally met her mother during a school dance, I literally ran away and then avoided talking to that girl ever again. this has repeated throughout every single even remotely stressful situation of my life, even going so far to ghost employers the second they want to talk to me, just for the fear that they *might* want to talk to me to fire me, even after being assured by others that it isn't the case. I've never even asked for a raise, to the point that my favorite boss ever, to the point he was more like a father figure to me than my own father by a wide margin, had to tell me to grow a spine and give me a raise of his own initiative.
To be honest, i also have no clue when i started hating myself, mostly because i have become a pathological liar, even convincing myself of my lies many a time. I often lie before I can even process the words being said by the people I'm talking to, though always in an inconsequential way, like if someone asked me if i'd seen a show, i'd say i say it just the night before even if I saw it two days ago, and things along those lines, or other times under or overexaggerate things for absolutely no reason, though sometimes to make stories more interesting. For a time, I always intstntly corrected myself, but lately I've stopped that, mostly because it is useful in making myself seem incompetent or dumb to avoid suspician about my upcoming ctb.
Now, more on hating and lying to myself. You see, I always put on an act, whether it be in front of others, or by myself. One that I was confident, to an absurd degree. i constantly bragged to my sisters and myself about how amazing I am, nd it wasn't even that hard, because i am the only one in myfamily other than my father that didn't struggle in school. Then there's my father, soemone who actually is arrogant as fuck. Whether it be by climing he understood the economy better than any other, to claiming the dome earth conspiracy is true because he couldn't understand rocket science as a softwre engineer, no one in my life is as arrogant as him. So how did that allow me to act arrogant? well, because I'm legitimately smarter than him. i was cornering my father in debates with ease by the time I was 10, and subtly trying to manipulate him and the rest of my family into being ratianol adults that i didn't have to baby, and somewhat succeeded. i was able to make them turn their backs on alien and flat earth conspiracies, but they still have the mental maturity of children, being easily offended even by a 3 year old's insult. Pretty embarrassing, i know.
Anyway, with such an environment, being surrounded by the dumbest adults known to man, and average intelligence plus autism enhanced pattern recognition, it wasn't hard to act arrogant and even trick myself into thinking I'm smart or confiednt, even as i cosntantly was repeating phrases such as "kill me kill me kill me", "idiot idiot idiot", and my personal favorite "you're nothing but a fraud" on a loop every second of every day for years on end. of course, the only respite I got from these thoughts were when i was watching tv, maladaptive daydreaming (mostly about the world after my death), and reading.
And this is where Re:Zero came in. When i first watched it, that's when I realized how low I was. i had always looked at other scoially awkward neets and autist individuals with a slight disdain, because I was at least capable of pretending to be normal, or talking to people, however, Subaru was different. He was far more antiscoial than I, far more isolated, but he put effort into training his body (kendo sword and grip strength), he put effort into his mask of confidence that i could never hope to acheive, and he had the dtermination to actually acheive his dreams. he wasn't like other power fantasy isekai protagonists that were nothing before their reincarnation/transmigration, he developed the characterists that laid the foundation for his redemption far before that. Unlike me, he had good parents that supported him. I was also orginally fooled by his mask in the capital of lugunica the day he arrived until around my 20th watch of the series (I practiacally rewatched it nonstop for my entire freshman year of highschool, to the point I had to download it to stop my parents from complaining of my data usage.)
Sometimes, back in that time, I had even strted wishing to take his place... just so I could die repeatedly. I never held any dumb beliefs about RBD, i always knew how traumatising such a power was, and that's why I wished for it. I though that I deserved such an unjust fate far more than someone like Subaru, but also knew that I could never accomplish any thing that he did. Of course, i do not want anything like that these days, i'd prefer to not exist anymore once I die. i'v long lost the motivation to better myself or try again, only the me of freshman year in highschool had that capability and mindset, and he wasted it.
Anywho, that's enough from me, I've finished my coffe pancakes, and am feeling pretty tired, not to mention how schizo and all over the place this post probably is.... I hope you guys have a good morning, afternoon, evening, and goodnight.
Ever since I was child I've been extremely stubborn, yet lazy. i know, kind of contradictory, right? Well, not for me. I like to do things a certain way, and any way other than my way, no matter how much easier, is exponentially harder for me to do. In this way, I've always take the path of least resistance throughout my life, always choosing the method that felt easiest for me, no matter if there was an easier way to do so and would pat myself on the back for this going on years. I even developed my own method of doing my math because the school's way was too annoying and relied on writing too much, which was physical effort I'd rather not "waste". I'd often even challenge the teachers to discount my written work that was usually along the lines of "this is that which make that this" without showing any equations, only the results of each step i performed, even if it was far harder to keep track of everything in my head and I would sometimes misremember and have to redo things several times, making me finish exams almost last, even if I got good scores.
I also often would tie my shoes a certain way, put on my clothes a certain way, brush and style my hair in a bedhead kind of style, not caring how people perceived me, because I was used to these methods, not because they were objectively "easier". It is also kind of hard for me to give examples, or detail the few examples I remember, due to my constant repression of my memories.
I am not sure when it started, but I've been repressing any and all of my "bad" memories for as long as i can remember. maybe it started when my step cousin tried to choke me to death with a pillow when I was a preschooler? perhaps it was when someone I thought was my best friend pushed me off of a high stool taller than me (at the time) onto the concrete steps of his garage, hurting my back to the point I could barely feel my legs, and then laughed at me and started throwing rocks at me every time he saw me after that. Maybe it was one of the many times my mother was on the verge of death? It's entirely possible that I will never know, but one thing is certain, it is one of the things that has affected the course of my life the most. Many of these things i didn't even know happened until others who had been there informed me of them, making me almost not believe them. However, the closer i come to ctb, the more my memories are coming back to me.
It wasn't until recently that I realized I haven't only been depressed since I was 14, but far before that. When I was younger, around 3rd grade, I had gone out of my way to annoy the older kids and teens around me purposely until they would decide to hurt me to get me to shut up or leave them alone. On the bus, I nooyed the middle schoolers until they'd slam my head into the metal floor of the bus repeatedly, leaving me dazed, and likely causing the complete lack of memory I have of my school in that time, even though I remember the clubs and extracurricular activities I'd done on the weekends and breaks perfectly. I had also terrorized the teens in th neoghborhood until they'd try to physically remove me by picking me up, and then of course I'd bite or hit them with a smile on my face while egging them on to hit me back, all for the love of the pain (and coming to think of it, I always laughed almost manically as the middle schoolers slammed my head into the metal floor of the bus.). Another time in 3rd grade, I'd accidentally done something that almost caused the neighborhood to burst into flames if anyone had even lit a cigarette before the firefighters arrived, and when I found out, I secretly hoped it would so I could die... of course I can't say what i did since it would connect this account to me since I would always talk about in the same way Sunny from Shadow Slave talked about his absurd stories every time we had two truths and a lie in school after that, and then wondered why people thought i was insane and avoided me, lol.
Other times throughout my life, I always punched myself to the beat of whatever song I ws listening to, laving bruses all over my thighs, and thought that was completely normal. One time, I had gotten into an argument with my folks and started punching myself in the stomach as hard as I could to alleviate the stress, since I knew that if I had taken out my anger any other way, I would just confirm their thoughts of me being a danger to everyone around me.... And still never thought that it was a sign of anything, as I had grown up in a household that doesn't believe in mental health issues or depression, even though many of my parents' family members and ancestors had ctb'd, usually with shotguns to the face one day.
Funnily enough, one of my favorite characters in fiction is GladOs, and has been since around 3rd grade as well... All because I liked the way sh degraded me, and it of course shaped my entire taste in women after that, to the point I developed a crush on evry girl that ever showed disdain or hate towards me, even to the point that I would actively ruin my reputation by being as annoying as possible just to get those reactions until around 7th grade, due to social anxiety and confidence issues caused by (understably) having practiaclly no friends after 3rd grade due to that very behavior.
Now, on to the meat and potatoes, as they say. What's the backstory of my username? well, it's pretty obvious, as you most likely thought. I've always lacked a certain motivation, really for anything. I've never wanted anything for my future, but i did lways have a dream. A drem to make the world a better place, a utopia of sorts, but I never considered it a possibility in the first place, so I gave up. i never had the determination to follow through with that dream, nor the dtermination to find a new dream, or the determination to become a better person. i never had the determination to put effort into bettering my body. Although i've never been fat, my athleticism stopped at being the fastest runner in 6th and 7th grade. i once did taekwondo, but never did it more than onc or twice a week, and never practiced outside of the building. like before i never had the determination to study, using my stubbornness and a bet made as a child as an excuse. i once had the oppurtunity to skip grades, and the oppurtunity to get a grant back in 5th and 6th grade, but refused because I didn't hve th dtermination to put the effort necessary for it, and knew it.
I've lso always been one to run away from every problem, starting from childhood. when i was scared at night, i'd hide under the covers even though i knew that would do nothing, when an uncomfortable social situation came up, i would quite literally, in the physical sense, run away. There was a girl I liked in the 7th grade that was a weeb, tall, and every bit my type, but she told me her mother would only allow her to date a boy she (the mother) met, and when i finally met her mother during a school dance, I literally ran away and then avoided talking to that girl ever again. this has repeated throughout every single even remotely stressful situation of my life, even going so far to ghost employers the second they want to talk to me, just for the fear that they *might* want to talk to me to fire me, even after being assured by others that it isn't the case. I've never even asked for a raise, to the point that my favorite boss ever, to the point he was more like a father figure to me than my own father by a wide margin, had to tell me to grow a spine and give me a raise of his own initiative.
To be honest, i also have no clue when i started hating myself, mostly because i have become a pathological liar, even convincing myself of my lies many a time. I often lie before I can even process the words being said by the people I'm talking to, though always in an inconsequential way, like if someone asked me if i'd seen a show, i'd say i say it just the night before even if I saw it two days ago, and things along those lines, or other times under or overexaggerate things for absolutely no reason, though sometimes to make stories more interesting. For a time, I always intstntly corrected myself, but lately I've stopped that, mostly because it is useful in making myself seem incompetent or dumb to avoid suspician about my upcoming ctb.
Now, more on hating and lying to myself. You see, I always put on an act, whether it be in front of others, or by myself. One that I was confident, to an absurd degree. i constantly bragged to my sisters and myself about how amazing I am, nd it wasn't even that hard, because i am the only one in myfamily other than my father that didn't struggle in school. Then there's my father, soemone who actually is arrogant as fuck. Whether it be by climing he understood the economy better than any other, to claiming the dome earth conspiracy is true because he couldn't understand rocket science as a softwre engineer, no one in my life is as arrogant as him. So how did that allow me to act arrogant? well, because I'm legitimately smarter than him. i was cornering my father in debates with ease by the time I was 10, and subtly trying to manipulate him and the rest of my family into being ratianol adults that i didn't have to baby, and somewhat succeeded. i was able to make them turn their backs on alien and flat earth conspiracies, but they still have the mental maturity of children, being easily offended even by a 3 year old's insult. Pretty embarrassing, i know.
Anyway, with such an environment, being surrounded by the dumbest adults known to man, and average intelligence plus autism enhanced pattern recognition, it wasn't hard to act arrogant and even trick myself into thinking I'm smart or confiednt, even as i cosntantly was repeating phrases such as "kill me kill me kill me", "idiot idiot idiot", and my personal favorite "you're nothing but a fraud" on a loop every second of every day for years on end. of course, the only respite I got from these thoughts were when i was watching tv, maladaptive daydreaming (mostly about the world after my death), and reading.
And this is where Re:Zero came in. When i first watched it, that's when I realized how low I was. i had always looked at other scoially awkward neets and autist individuals with a slight disdain, because I was at least capable of pretending to be normal, or talking to people, however, Subaru was different. He was far more antiscoial than I, far more isolated, but he put effort into training his body (kendo sword and grip strength), he put effort into his mask of confidence that i could never hope to acheive, and he had the dtermination to actually acheive his dreams. he wasn't like other power fantasy isekai protagonists that were nothing before their reincarnation/transmigration, he developed the characterists that laid the foundation for his redemption far before that. Unlike me, he had good parents that supported him. I was also orginally fooled by his mask in the capital of lugunica the day he arrived until around my 20th watch of the series (I practiacally rewatched it nonstop for my entire freshman year of highschool, to the point I had to download it to stop my parents from complaining of my data usage.)
Sometimes, back in that time, I had even strted wishing to take his place... just so I could die repeatedly. I never held any dumb beliefs about RBD, i always knew how traumatising such a power was, and that's why I wished for it. I though that I deserved such an unjust fate far more than someone like Subaru, but also knew that I could never accomplish any thing that he did. Of course, i do not want anything like that these days, i'd prefer to not exist anymore once I die. i'v long lost the motivation to better myself or try again, only the me of freshman year in highschool had that capability and mindset, and he wasted it.
Anywho, that's enough from me, I've finished my coffe pancakes, and am feeling pretty tired, not to mention how schizo and all over the place this post probably is.... I hope you guys have a good morning, afternoon, evening, and goodnight.
