Mothers

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

It's only really later in life that I got a feel for the total lack of self-awareness my mother displayed all throughout her own life. She was narcissistic, BPD, and borderline, and made life very difficult for me as a child. Why have kids when you know deep down that you're very mentally ill? I don't even have half her mental health situation and I won't have kids to avoid passing anything down. But she's lived in total denial about these things and has basically pretended she never had them. When I bring up any past problems or situations that distressed me as a child, she conveniently cannot remember any of them. I get that it was a different time back then, but still. It's like, at least recognize you're a mess and try to limit your impact on others.

 

[mynameispaige]

My mother didn't want me. She was going to get an abortion but didn't. She didn't know who my father was. Gave me the wrong guys last name and then changed it later. She smoked and drank while pregnant. I ended up being born with a cleft pallet. We lived in a trailer. There are actual baby pictures of me with cigarettes in my mouth. I can't even count the amount of times I've been slapped, screamed at, and cussed out by her. She was loud, angry, and aggressive. I could go on and on about my mother. She died when I was 13. And I honestly forgive her for everything. I don't hate her. She had a good side but she'd switch from good to bad so quick. Also I didn't realize that she'd be a saint compared to the woman my father got with after she died. I'm the complete opposite of my mother and the other woman. I'm proud of it. But here I am. Suicidal with a million issues caused by my childhood. Isolated from the world because I'm damaged and don't trust anyone. And oddly enough. I'd do anything to go back to being like 8 years old again. Hiding in my room, playing with my stuffed animals, drawing, watching cartoons, and playing video games. I was in my own little world half the time. You can't play pretend and just ignore the world as an adult. But yeah. I still love my mother. I didn't hold onto any of the hate. I don't want to hate anyone. I just want to be ok for once in my life.

 

[gingerplum]

My mother didn't want me. She was going to get an abortion but didn't. She didn't know who my father was. Gave me the wrong guys last name and then changed it later. She smoked and drank while pregnant. I ended up being born with a cleft pallet. We lived in a trailer. There are actual baby pictures of me with cigarettes in my mouth. I can't even count the amount of times I've been slapped, screamed at, and cussed out by her. She was loud, angry, and aggressive. I could go on and on about my mother. She died when I was 13. And I honestly forgive her for everything. I don't hate her. She had a good side but she'd switch from good to bad so quick. Also I didn't realize that she'd be a saint compared to the woman my father got with after she died. I'm the complete opposite of my mother and the other woman. I'm proud of it. But here I am. Suicidal with a million issues caused by my childhood. Isolated from the world because I'm damaged and don't trust anyone. And oddly enough. I'd do anything to go back to being like 8 years old again. Hiding in my room, playing with my stuffed animals, drawing, watching cartoons, and playing video games. I was in my own little world half the time. You can't play pretend and just ignore the world as an adult. But yeah. I still love my mother. I didn't hold onto any of the hate. I don't want to hate anyone. I just want to be ok for once in my life.

Absolutely heartbreaking. Wish I could show that 8 yr-old the love she deserved.

 

[Return2Dust]

My mom used to beat me, "so my dad wouldn't". He never knew about the beatings. She told me I was ugly, a slut (still a virgin at the time), useless, crazy, etc. She said she hated kids. When I was molested, she denied it happened then later told me I wanted it. She was proud of the movie Mommy Dearest. She used to brag that at least she didn't beat us over wire hangers. I have very low contact with her now.

 

[woxihuanni]

My mom used to beat me, "so my dad wouldn't". He never knew about the beatings. She told me I was ugly, a slut (still a virgin at the time), useless, crazy, etc. She said she hated kids. When I was molested, she denied it happened then later told me I wanted it. She was proud of the movie Mommy Dearest. She used to brag that at least she didn't beat us over wire hangers. I have very low contact with her now.

My mother deeply feels that sex is the filthiest thing in the world. The kindest thing that can happen to such a person is that they die, really.

 

[mynameispaige]

My mother was very against sex too. I couldn't even talk to a boy without her screaming about it. She didn't know who my father was but somehow I was a whore for even talking to a boy. Imagine being a little girl and having your mom tell you that guys will just use you and that you'll never be loved. That wanting anything made you disgusting. Then when I was 12 I started talking to a 21 year old guy. Yeah I know how bad that sounds. I was desperate for someone. Anyone to make me feel like I'm wanted. We never did anything. But he ended up convincing me to take naked pictures for him. I did it. I said I wasn't going to take anymore but then he threatened me. Said I'd be raped and killed if I didn't. So I took more. Some people at school got them and then I got harassed by teenage boys every single day. My mom found out. She called me a whore. Acted like I deserved it. Like it was my fault. I got no sympathy from her. But yeah so my mom got her wish. I'm 23 and have never been with anyone. I know she's wrong. I don't blame the whole male population for my experience. I met a few assholes but that doesn't make them all bad. It took me so long to even accept that wanting someone or even just wanting sex is ok. There's nothing wrong with it. But now I'm so damaged that I can't accept any kind of affection from anyone.

 

[c824767]

My parents tried hard to create a good family environment but it did not work... I feel so sorry for them. They should never have had children.

 

[Jean Améry]

My mother was and is an emotionally unstable (understatement of the year) drunk with a mean streak that fucked up her childrens life and is too cowardly to take her own life even though she's absolutely miserable and probably drinks herself stupid to block out the knowledge of her completely immoral conduct towards her own children.

Euthanasia or even the death penalty (which would be a sort of euthanasia as she clearly craves death to rid herself of her completely worthless existence) would be too good for her.

I hope she rots away in some hospital or nursing home and is tortured by what she did to me and my brothers.

She fucking looks like a corpse already. Why doesn't she just finish it? What is life worth when you have to drink yourself stupid every day and night because you can't face up to what you've done and who you are?

Everyone who abuses his or her own children in any way should be severely punished. Up to and including being slowly tortured to death in extreme cases. To bestow the curse of life is bad enough but to actually, willfully damage your own flesh and blood...

 

[gingerplum]

My mother was and is an emotionally unstable (understatement of the year) drunk with a mean streak that fucked up her childrens life and is too cowardly to take her own life even though she's absolutely miserable and probably drinks herself stupid to block out the knowledge of her completely immoral conduct towards her own children.

Euthanasia or even the death penalty (which would be a sort of euthanasia as she clearly craves death to rid herself of her completely worthless existence) would be too good for her.

I hope she rots away in some hospital or nursing home and is tortured by what she did to me and my brothers.

She fucking looks like a corpse already. Why doesn't she just finish it? What is life worth when you have to drink yourself stupid every day and night because you can't face up to what you've done and who you are?

Everyone who abuses his or her own children in any way should be severely punished. Up to and including being slowly tortured to death in extreme cases. To bestow the curse of life is bad enough but to actually, willfully damage your own flesh and blood...

My mother was and is an emotionally unstable (understatement of the year) drunk with a mean streak that fucked up her childrens life and is too cowardly to take her own life even though she's absolutely miserable and probably drinks herself stupid to block out the knowledge of her completely immoral conduct towards her own children.

Euthanasia or even the death penalty (which would be a sort of euthanasia as she clearly craves death to rid herself of her completely worthless existence) would be too good for her.

I hope she rots away in some hospital or nursing home and is tortured by what she did to me and my brothers.

She fucking looks like a corpse already. Why doesn't she just finish it? What is life worth when you have to drink yourself stupid every day and night because you can't face up to what you've done and who you are?

Everyone who abuses his or her own children in any way should be severely punished. Up to and including being slowly tortured to death in extreme cases. To bestow the curse of life is bad enough but to actually, willfully damage your own flesh and blood...

I'm so sorry you had such a shit mother. I can't understand women who don't love their children; I just can't wrap my mind around it.

Women are biologically hard-wired to love their children; when my kids were babies it was literally intoxicating for me to hold them. When I hear stories like yours, I wonder what happened to you mother. Whatever happened to her was so fucked up and horrible, she had lost even the most basic instinct to love and protect her children, something so basic, so primal that most of us couldn't deny if we tried.

I'm sorry she was so damaged, but I'm so much sorrier that she took her misery out on you and your siblings. It's so sad on so many levels.

 

[stellabelle]

Here is a thread to vent about how your mother fucked you up, or how you are dealing with a partner whose mother fucked them up. It seems to a recurring theme, so.

Ladies, please don't tell tiny toddlers that they are shit. It's not very helpful. :(

Offspring of a fucked up mother, checking in.
It's funny how they spend their entire life destroying yours and being sure of it. Fuckin evil [explicit.]

 

[Sweet emotion]

My heart is breaking from all these stories I'm reading. I had the most wonderful childhood and I wish I could go back. My mother was and still is my everything. I developed the highest ranking pain condition in medical history at 20 years old and she still takes care of me. She and my family, not so much my dad, are the reason I'm still here today. but Zim planning on ending it and all Zim doing is worrying about my mom. My dad died of alcoholism when I was 25. I'm 34. My grandfather is still alive but he's going to be 86. My mom just has one sister. I'm her everything and I can't imagine how she's going to take it. My heart breaks for her.

But all of you were robbed and punished by the one person who was supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally. Your parents, especially the same sex parent really shapes your world. And I'm so sorry that your mother's didn't do the proper job and we're downright cruel is so many ways. I'm glad for those of you who have been able to forgive. It's hard to carry around hate but it's certainly understandable. There are people in my life I cant forgive....but I'm Italian so it goes along with the territory haha. Seriously though. I wish you all peace and love. I hope something happens to you that lifts up your spirits and gives you the will to live.

 

[woxihuanni]

Funny enough, we are the relatively lucky? ones who can look at the fuck-up and say what it is. At least it says the fuck-up has not destroyed our minds completely.

Especially in some cultures, it is so common for people to never grow and be co-dependent with mamma that they truly believe it is a wonderful relationship. Ffs, even if you develop leprosy at 20, that's an age where other people have been having sex and love for 5-6 years. Sure, kids with depression, etc. may not get any of that, but you also say again and again that you didn't have mental health issues before your prize-winning pain.

It turns my stomach to watch you make everything about yourself, you are a broken record and I honestly no longer care what prize-winning pain you have. As for MH issues, you seem to have both OCD and NPD if nothing else. Stop it already, at least on my fucking thread.

 

[RM5998]

It's strange. I don't know what to feel here. She's responsible for giving me the tools I needed to get shit done in life, but she's also responsible for my self esteem issues. Or maybe that last part is on me not understanding what I'm supposed to be.
It's really confusing... I haven't been a really good son myself, so have I brought this upon myself? I don't really know.

 

[woxihuanni]

It's strange. I don't know what to feel here. She's responsible for giving me the tools I needed to get shit done in life, but she's also responsible for my self esteem issues. Or maybe that last part is on me not understanding what I'm supposed to be.
It's really confusing... I haven't been a really good son myself, so have I brought this upon myself? I don't really know.

I don't think it is a matter of where the blame lies. Most mothers mentioned here are fucked up themselves, and most of us don't blame them as such. It's just a matter of recognising their part so that at least the negative feelings won't be suppressed and misdirected elsewhere.

I know at least two people irl who seem to have unresolved mother issues and NPD traits, which so often go hand in hand. I don't blame them or their mother, it is just what it is. But if they could say 'Yeah, you know what, I'm really not happy with how my mother interacted with me, and I fear having that story played out with my partner', two relationships would be standing strong today.

I did not fully recognise how my mother was still trying to teach me rejection until recently. It was liberating to acknowledge it. It's not that I was hung up on what she did in the past, that did not undermine my self-esteem in the long run. It was eye-opening to notice it was NOT in the past, she was still at it: I love you, nobody else will love you like me, don't dump me for anybody else. Don't bond with anybody else.

When I can see it for what it is, it cannot bring me down anymore.

 

[RM5998]

I don't think it is a matter of where the blame lies. Most mothers mentioned here are fucked up themselves, and most of us don't blame them as such. It's just a matter of recognising their part so that at least the negative feelings won't be suppressed and misdirected elsewhere.

I know at least two people irl who seem to have unresolved mother issues and NPD traits, which so often go hand in hand. I don't blame them or their mother, it is just what it is. But if they could say 'Yeah, you know what, I'm really not happy with how my mother interacted with me, and I fear having that story played out with my partner', two relationships would be standing strong today.

I did not fully recognise how my mother was still trying to teach me rejection until recently. It was liberating to acknowledge it. It's not that I was hung up on what she did in the past, that did not undermine my self-esteem in the long run. It was eye-opening to notice it was NOT in the past, she was still at it: I love you, nobody else will love you like me, don't dump me for anybody else. Don't bond with anybody else.

When I can see it for what it is, it cannot bring me down anymore.

I meant it in a somewhat different sense... I know that my mother wants me to be a way for her to prove her ability to raise a child, but... isn't that the point of my existence? To prove that my parents can be good parents? It's like stating a useless tautology - who even gains anything out of it? I know that my self-worth is tied to me receiving praise from my parents, and I know that I'll never receive it. All my effort couldn't garner that when I wanted it badly enough to do whatever they asked, what are the odds I can get it now? But knowing it doesn't remove the need for their approval. And considering that I'm essentially an investment, isn't the point of me supposed to be to provide them a decent return? And if I'm failing to do that, isn't it me that's broken? From my perspective, it's exploitative, but from theirs, I'm just a poorly performing asset. And I don't see anything in myself that would inspire anyone to give a shit about me anymore.
Part of me knows that if I asked my mom to love me, she probably would. But there's another part that knows that if I ever ask, I'd lose the chance of getting any real affection. There's a quote from Bojack Horseman that says it quite well:

When you're a kid, you convince yourself that maybe the grand gesture could be enough. That even though your parents aren't what you need them to be, over and over and *over* again, at any moment they might surprise you with something... wonderful. I kept waiting for that, the proof, that even though my mother was a hard woman, deep down she loved me and cared about me and wanted me to know that I made her life a little bit brighter. Even now, I find myself waiting.

 

[woxihuanni]

I meant it in a somewhat different sense... I know that my mother wants me to be a way for her to prove her ability to raise a child, but... isn't that the point of my existence? To prove that my parents can be good parents? It's like stating a useless tautology - who even gains anything out of it? I know that my self-worth is tied to me receiving praise from my parents, and I know that I'll never receive it. All my effort couldn't garner that when I wanted it badly enough to do whatever they asked, what are the odds I can get it now? But knowing it doesn't remove the need for their approval. And considering that I'm essentially an investment, isn't the point of me supposed to be to provide them a decent return? And if I'm failing to do that, isn't it me that's broken? From my perspective, it's exploitative, but from theirs, I'm just a poorly performing asset. And I don't see anything in myself that would inspire anyone to give a shit about me anymore.
Part of me knows that if I asked my mom to love me, she probably would. But there's another part that knows that if I ever ask, I'd lose the chance of getting any real affection. There's a quote from Bojack Horseman that says it quite well:

That's very lucidly articulated. However, I don't agree that our self-worth is tied to their approval, indeed, anybody's approval. Of course my not agreeing doesn't change how you feel, but my two cents. Also don't agree we are assets/investments and we need to succeed in that sense. We are here without our consent, trying our best and sometimes failing because of a zrillion reasons.

One thing that has happened to me during my time on SS is I have come to accept myself fully, no shame, no self-blame. Doesn't mean I won't have to die, but there is relief in not listening to destructive influences anymore.

I know you have a girlfriend and a degree you're working on, so objectively some shits are given and some contribution made to life. For what it is worth and from how I know you from your posts, I accept you and embrace you as well.

 

[RM5998]

That's very lucidly articulated. However, I don't agree that our self-worth is tied to their approval, indeed, anybody's approval. Of course my not agreeing doesn't change how you feel, but my two cents. Also don't agree we are assets/investments and we need to succeed in that sense. We are here without our consent, trying our best and sometimes failing because of a zrillion reasons.

I was looking at it from my parents' perspective, who did have control over my existence. If I can't come up with a reason to live, the only point there is to my life is what they envisioned. And it's hard to objectively look at myself and my mother and see myself as anything other than an investment that was supposed to pay off when they got old.

I know you have a girlfriend and a degree you're working on, so objectively some shits are given and some contribution made to life. For what it is worth and from how I know you from your posts, I accept you and embrace you as well.

Thankfully, only the second half of that is true. Me being in a relationship wouldn't end well for anyone. But thanks, I've been trying to not fail my courses, even though I don't intend to finish college. I don't even know why.

 

[woxihuanni]

I was looking at it from my parents' perspective, who did have control over my existence. If I can't come up with a reason to live, the only point there is to my life is what they envisioned. And it's hard to objectively look at myself and my mother and see myself as anything other than an investment that was supposed to pay off when they got old.

Thankfully, only the second half of that is true. Me being in a relationship wouldn't end well for anyone. But thanks, I've been trying to not fail my courses, even though I don't intend to finish college. I don't even know why.

It's just making me sad you see it that way, though I cannot do anything... Of course they had control over us in the beginning of our lives, but we did not consent to this and can take it away from them, again just my two cents.

I apologise for misremembering that, quite embarrassed now. Well, it's best to do things considering the possibility of a botch, if nothing else. Try to keep things relatively functional in my life as well, if I die, good, if something goes wrong, at least there is less fuckery to deal with in the aftermath.

 

[Sunset764]

When I was young (I think that I was around 5), my mother started hitting me. It wasn't really such an issue back then but when I was 8/9, she forced me to kneel down in front of her and she didn't stop hitting me, that went on for nearly an hour. She did that more than once. She also did, and still does, call me names.

When I was a teenager, she would tell my siblings and I that we were useless and stupid, which damaged my self-esteem. She also wouldn't let me get the medical attention that I needed. She would always call me an attention seeker when I asked to see a doctor.

She was never there for me when I needed her, she also compared me to other children as well.

 

[woxihuanni]

If I had a time machine, I'd just go and give her a good slap around the head whenever she approached that poor child as if the mite is responsible for everything in the world.