Mother needing help..

[OhSoSinful]

Excuse my scattered thoughts. Writing this as I sob, smoke a cigarette and debate what to do next.

I'm going to be 28 in a week. My life has been full of me fucking it all up. I had a beautiful boy albeit an accident 3 years ago. Over a year ago, I escaped the clutches of his abusive and horrible father. The pieces of my heart were picked up and stolen by another beautiful boy, a man my age who has suffered deeply in life. He was able to show me his emotions and we shared incredible times. He showed me that my son could have a proper father figure, I made a wonderful house wife for him and also helped with his own children. We grew strong.

Until his depression took over again. My brother had just passed away. Whether murder or suicide or accident I will never know. He left his own 2 year old behind. His ashes on a Bannister. And thats that.
My mother is next, terminally ill. For the past few weeks we've been in a horrible flop of him being unable to feel, to show anything. To do anything other than work and wanting to be alone. Finally on Thanksgiving. He told me he didn't think he could feel the same for me anymore and his will to self isolate is more than it is to be with me and do anything other than work to survive for him and his kids.

Until they are old enough for him to CTB. The craziest thing was just over a month ago us planning our future. The engagement ring. Him moving me in long ago with my son.

I sobbed. I begged. I did all I could. I am still clinging to hope as I spend these last 2 days before trying to pack up and .. crawl to the only person I have. My terminally ill mother I still cared for every few weeks. She's moving to a one bedroom which was our plan so she would be closer. Safer. My son and I have no other choice.

Before my ex fiance came into my life I had no will to live other than my son. Things were getting better. I had finally found happiness in not just that but myself. I felt worth. Love. Most of all my autistic son as well. He adores this man so much.. and now life his own father.. I dont know what to do. Where to go. In a panic driven response I fucked up my arm horribly with a razor. He helped me mend to it without a word or care. He is a robot now.. he says the standard im sorry, but that he doesn't desire me like I do him anymore and that again.. isolation.. which- he was also finally better. Everyone was so happy to see him finally happy.. He used to, hah.. sob from happiness.. not understanding that was a thing with me.

Months ago he told me his depression would one day again ruin everything good for him.

And it is. It hadnt just ruined him either. For now, it's ruined me. I've nothing in ny life. Im on SSI. My friend group is slim as they have all CTB or died of overdoses accidentally. The like- it goes on. No family other than mom.

When she's gone..

I dont know what to do. I would leave if I could. But I cant leave my son.
I feel my will slipping more and more as the tears ripple down my cheeks. As the ashes scatter to the ground.

Much like the pieces of my heart.
Please give me strength. Thanks to whoever reads this. Much love.

 

[AutoTap]

Wow! I don't know what else to say besides sorry this happened. Life truly is hard.

 

[CC123]

It took tremendous strength to post this.
Sending love your way.

 

[Spitfire]

It breaks my heart to hear about you having to deal with all of those circumstances.

Hopefully this place and the people can help you in some way.

 

[greebo6]

That is so very, very sad .I'm so sorry ,wish it wasn't that way for you.
I think you are strong , just being able to make your post shows strength , but your human too of course. So the pain and despair you feel is real and understandable.
Maybe ,just maybe your guy will realise he's made a mistake and come back/contact you again. I hope so.

 

[OhSoSinful]

That is so very, very sad .I'm so sorry ,wish it wasn't that way for you.
I think you are strong , just being able to make your post shows strength , but your human too of course. So the pain and despair you feel is real and understandable.
Maybe ,just maybe your guy will realise he's made a mistake and come back/contact you again. I hope so.

Thank you- I just had hoped SI wouldn't come back to me. Years ago after the first true love of my life was also taken by an overdose. I attempted to go the same way. I was found and revived. Placed in an institute. Spent the years getting better/trying. Failing. My only will is my son and my partner was and is my everything. Ive never felt so crushed. Its almost as if anytime I find a bit of happiness its torn from me.

I hope I can stay alive for my son. Im already failing him unable provide a proper home now. Ontop of SSI the only work I was able to do was online sex work (yes the horrible onlyfans fad) however im failing that now as well. I'll have nowhere to keep it going so my only good income is going to crash.. I wish I had a better life to give him and myself.. its no wonder, honestly that despite all the love I have to give that I'm never worth it.

I digress I apologize for the rambling. Thank you again

 

[SheJumped]

I'm sorry and hope things turn around. As a father my will to live is my little one. I could never leave this world yet at an age where questions could never be answered.
Just being there and being a parent is the best life you can give right now, it goes a long way as hard as it is to accomplish.

 

[greebo6]

Thank you- I just had hoped SI wouldn't come back to me. Years ago after the first true love of my life was also taken by an overdose. I attempted to go the same way. I was found and revived. Placed in an institute. Spent the years getting better/trying. Failing. My only will is my son and my partner was and is my everything. Ive never felt so crushed. Its almost as if anytime I find a bit of happiness its torn from me.

I hope I can stay alive for my son. Im already failing him unable provide a proper home now. Ontop of SSI the only work I was able to do was online sex work (yes the horrible onlyfans fad) however im failing that now as well. I'll have nowhere to keep it going so my only good income is going to crash.. I wish I had a better life to give him and myself.. its no wonder, honestly that despite all the love I have to give that I'm never worth it.

I digress I apologize for the rambling. Thank you again

Your son will always love you because you are his mother. Always.
And you ARE worth it.
No need to apologize , you were fine.
I hope things change for you.

 

[Shotgunjohn]

you've been through so much. i hope we can offer you some solace and comfort.

 

[justsad&done]

I'm so sorry for your pain and seemingly impossible circumstances. As a mom, I understand wanting to leave all the pain behind but also needing to be there for your child. Sending some positive energy and a hug your way.

 

[OhSoSinful]

Thank you all.. ♡

 

[mahakaliSS_MahaDurga]

I am sorry to hear you are going through this. You are still young and you can meet someone new one day. Please, try to avoid people with mental health issues in the future. Relationships between two people who have these types of problems rarely work out.

 

[fixitinpost]

This is heartbreaking... I'm so sorry.

The first thing striking me is that you are very strong. For fighting through all of this. For having the courage to open up about it. For being a loving, caring mother in the face of everything that's happened. I know it feels like you aren't worth much. But you are. Because those who don't know their worth are the ones who have the most to give. And because you have a little one, to whom you are his entire world.

For whatever it's worth, whenever you feel like there's no one else to talk to, I hope you can feel that we are always here. And that you don't have to apologize for a single thing. Also, there's a stickied thread over in the recovery section where you can find people who are looking to make friends and to support. I haven't posted there yet, but count me in as well.

Sending you as much hope and positive energy as I can.

 

[Sherri]

Wow hun that's powerful, you are stronger than you think atm. Sending you a big hug and even more strength.

 

[CC123]

play the numbers game to get enough posts so that people who can maybe help you out can chat with you privately

 

[OhSoSinful]

I appreciate you all very much. Today is my last day here. Where we made our home. My son is too little to realize why I have to pack all his things up.. really hurts. Im gonna miss the kiddos who called me step mom, too. I just wish my heart didn't hurt so much. I give too much love.

 

[OhSoSinful]

This pain is too much to bear.. I don't know what to do.. Stress. Anxiety. Disassociated.. at a loss..

 

[OhSoSinful]

Positive update? In that we are attempting to work on things. He doesn't want his depression to cause him remove anything else good in his life. We took some tabs (L) a night we got a sitter, and had a really emotional trip. He's been alot worse off than I ever imagined and the voices to CTB had been way too strong.

I understand that.. life is shit. We're all tired of living. Just- Gonna keep living for all we have left, each other and the kiddos.

Here's to another day, here's to small bits of hope in this decaying world~
Thanks again everyone ♡