falloutcarter13
Bury me, bury me...
- Aug 1, 2020
- 671
I've only been here a day, but I think most people kinda know my story/history by now. My attempts to this point have been either totally impulsive, fairly ineffective (since I didn't bother researching, which makes me think I wasn't totally ready to go back then), or both. Because of my circumstances, I've decided that over the next month or two, I'm going to formulate the most foolproof plan possible and spend lots of time preparing, especially mentally/emotionally.
I've only come to this decision within the last week, but as soon as I mentally locked it in and said "I'm doing it, its time," I've felt a lot of peace and my depression almost totally lifted. Something about being able to sense that there's finally an end and its coming soon is so comforting. But sometimes, mostly late at night when I can't sleep, I wonder if just being impulsive and getting it over with right away wouldn't be more humane to myself. When I hung myself in jail, I didn't even do a good job, and I was unconscious and not suffering within 5-10 seconds of jumping. That was an impulsive one but it still would have been effective and tolerable (fuck I wish they hadn't "rescued" me in time, I was already gone.) Ordering my lethal substance, writing my letters, and mentally preparing wouldn't take but a few days, so I'm wondering if the prolonging it for a month or more just might be subconscious torture for myself. I want to give my family some time to spend with me when I'm actually being loving, attentive, positive, and not being a fuck up...I wonder if that's more for me or them. I want them to enjoy their last time with me, even if *they* don't know I'll be gone soon, and I admit it has something to do with how I want to be remembered.
Anyone else have these thoughts?
I've only come to this decision within the last week, but as soon as I mentally locked it in and said "I'm doing it, its time," I've felt a lot of peace and my depression almost totally lifted. Something about being able to sense that there's finally an end and its coming soon is so comforting. But sometimes, mostly late at night when I can't sleep, I wonder if just being impulsive and getting it over with right away wouldn't be more humane to myself. When I hung myself in jail, I didn't even do a good job, and I was unconscious and not suffering within 5-10 seconds of jumping. That was an impulsive one but it still would have been effective and tolerable (fuck I wish they hadn't "rescued" me in time, I was already gone.) Ordering my lethal substance, writing my letters, and mentally preparing wouldn't take but a few days, so I'm wondering if the prolonging it for a month or more just might be subconscious torture for myself. I want to give my family some time to spend with me when I'm actually being loving, attentive, positive, and not being a fuck up...I wonder if that's more for me or them. I want them to enjoy their last time with me, even if *they* don't know I'll be gone soon, and I admit it has something to do with how I want to be remembered.
Anyone else have these thoughts?
