Discussion Morning revelations

[Fadeawaaaay]

Every morning I wake up in a state of terror realizing that I spent the past few decades living a lie…
I've never had any real professional competence but was able to gaslight myself and others into thinking I had a career.
But it was really just subsidized by a small inheritance. And now I've woken up to the fact I'm never going to work again and I'm going to run out of money and be homeless.
The only thing I can do is hide from reality That's my time and money runs out… Every morning I wake up Realizing some new facet of reality…
I'll archaeologically dig through events and moments over the past three or four decades going all the way back to college and realize how I've been fooling myself and others…
I didn't want to die but this is not even close to a way of life I could possibly sustain…

Do you wake up every morning realizing some new aspect of your Fate?

 

[ewigeruhe]

Only thing i realize each morning is that i wasted a whole day again were i didn't ctb already and get sad that i have to satisfy my bodies cravings for food and water as well as my acquired addictions to nicotine and alcohol again. Then slowly but surely i waste another day just sitting in my chair staring at worthless videos or listen to music until i start drinking and then fall drunk into my bed. I have almost no memories of the last 2 and half decades because every single day is the same.
I will also be homeless soon and all my hope is that the despair will finally push me over the edge to ctb.

 

[Un-]

I don't believe in fate, but I am perpetually shocked, whenever I look at other people, at the direction my life is headed. People talking about get-togethers, parties, relationships, settling down, having children, etcetera - things that I both hate, and will never get to experience because of my head. My head's a cacophony of dying birds. It's like visibly seeing a waterfall while you're being drifted by an overwhelming current: there's nothing you can do. You can only watch in horror as your life plummets. I have this realisation every morning, so in a way.. I've already accepted it. But that doesn't mean I don't quake in terror by the prospect.. Like someone here says all the time.. Of life getting infinitely worse.

I don't know how tall this waterfall is. But I'm going to fall down it. I'm still in denial about it, I suppose. Like you said you were, @Fadeawaaaay . I don't think my life will get better, but I don't think my life will grow horribly worse, even though I've seen evidence of that happening.. Like the people in this forum, my own life, etcetera.

Regardless, I hope to die before then. I hope to squash any prospect of my life getting worse than it already is.. I want to never wake up, and be entrapped in this thought anymore. Regardless if I want to die, or not.. Maybe you can relate to this yourself.. But, regardless if I want to die or not, my future is not looking good at all. And I fear that life will end itself for me, if I don't.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Only thing i realize each morning is that i wasted a whole day again were i didn't ctb already and get sad that i have to satisfy my bodies cravings for food and water as well as my acquired addictions to nicotine and alcohol again. Then slowly but surely i waste another day just sitting in my chair staring at worthless videos or listen to music until i start drinking and then fall drunk into my bed. I have almost no memories of the last 2 and half decades because every single day is the same.
I will also be homeless soon and all my hope is that the despair will finally push me over the edge to ctb.

You've been doing this for decades?

 

[ewigeruhe]

You've been doing this for decades?

yep only difference was that i was working the majority of the time until december last year. My life is just horrible.

 

[FuneralCry]

I am always horrified to wake up and realise that I am still here, and that I did not die in my sleep. Waking up is such a dreadful feeling knowing that I have another day of existing ahead. I just think that in my case the suffering will only end when I die. It's all so pointless as well, and I see no point to enduring this life when instead I could be peacefully not existing. At least someday it will end no matter what. That is the only positive thing about it all.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I am always horrified to wake up and realise that I am still here, and that I did not die in my sleep. Waking up is such a dreadful feeling knowing that I have another day of existing ahead. I just think that in my case the suffering will only end when I die. It's all so pointless as well, and I see no point to enduring this life when instead I could be peacefully not existing. At least someday it will end no matter what. That is the only positive thing about it all.

The problem is knowing that we will continue to exist unless we do something to stop it… It's excruciating

 

[tilsleepcomes]

Every morning I wake up in a state of terror
...was able to gaslight myself
...

I'm never going to work again and I'm going to ...be homeless...

The only thing I can do is hide from reality That's my time and money runs out… Every morning I wake up Realizing some new facet of reality…

...
Do you wake up every morning realizing some new aspect of your Fate?

I can relate to so much of what you're saying. I gaslight myself during the day that things are okay, I might find a way to live, and then each night and morning I realize/admit again that nothing has or will change.

I know that eventually- maybe tomorrow, maybe next month- I will fall down again and be homeless, and this time I have no options left. But each day my mind deflects and evades this reality, busying itself. But then I am smacked in the face with my reality when my day is ending, and again before my day begins.

For me, the terror has become grief. A dull sadness and emptiness that is ever present below the surface, and intrudes to remind me it's hopeless whenever I try some new iteration of the same old things to get better.

 

[AtMostOkay]

I wake up angry, then sad, almost every day. Caffeine, sugar, cigs and weed make me functional. I'm so sorry you're suffering too. Peace, friend.

 

[whatevs]

This is very popular in the forum, talking about how much you want to die or feel worthless upon waking up lol. But thankfully I don't relate to that nor I want to. I have enough with this creeping tide of estragement and pusposelessness.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

This is very popular in the forum, talking about how much you want to die or feel worthless upon waking up lol. But thankfully I don't relate to that nor I want to. I have enough with this creeping tide of estragement and pusposelessness.

You are fortunate

 

[outatime_85]

The problem is knowing that we will continue to exist unless we do something to stop it… It's excruciating

Average life expectancy for a man 77
Average life expectancy for women is 81

That means that if a man is currently 25, he has about 52 years left on this rock, and if a woman is currently 25, she has about 56 years left on this rock.

 

[whitefeather]

"Suicide is one of the greatest of human achievements" David Whyte

 

[LifeHasNoOptIn]

Average life expectancy for a man 77
Average life expectancy for women is 81

That means that if a man is currently 25, he has about 52 years left on this rock, and if a woman is currently 25, she has about 56 years left on this rock.

A lot of that is related to income, at least here in the US where your pocketbook largely determines if you are worthy of receiving healthcare. Also, there is the "mileage" factor which tends to affect lower middle class and working poor more than the upper class and the wealthy who don't spend every day putting wear and tear on their bodies just to achieve basic survival.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I do awaken each morning and struggle to open my eyes because I don't want to acknowledge never mind accept that if I don't find the courage / drive / whatever you want to call it to successfully ctb I could theoretically be stuck in this existence for another 4 decades.

There is nothing: eat, sleep, work, repeat. I feel no joy. I feel no hope. I feel like I want to fall asleep forever.

I've tried, for a long time, to overcome my own brain. But I don't feel like I belong, and I don't feel like it matters if I live or I die. What difference will it make in the grand scheme of things? Either I struggle through this agony of a pointless existence, robotically going through the motions of what we are supposed to do, or I find a way to escape it. In the end I'm going to die anyway, whether I endure another xxx amount of years or not.

But I don't see it getting any "better". For me, life has taught me it only gets harder. And so why didn't I just die decades ago when my attempts to ctb were far more impulsive? What's the point?

Now I think too much about methods and failure. Also knowing how much worse it feels when you attempt and fail and people know.

Truthfully if they'd give us an auto off switch I'd have been gone years ago.

 

[ewigeruhe]

I do awaken each morning and struggle to open my eyes because I don't want to acknowledge never mind accept that if I don't find the courage / drive / whatever you want to call it to successfully ctb I could theoretically be stuck in this existence for another 4 decades.

There is nothing: eat, sleep, work, repeat. I feel no joy. I feel no hope. I feel like I want to fall asleep forever.

I've tried, for a long time, to overcome my own brain. But I don't feel like I belong, and I don't feel like it matters if I live or I die. What difference will it make in the grand scheme of things? Either I struggle through this agony of a pointless existence, robotically going through the motions of what we are supposed to do, or I find a way to escape it. In the end I'm going to die anyway, whether I endure another xxx amount of years or not.

But I don't see it getting any "better". For me, life has taught me it only gets harder. And so why didn't I just die decades ago when my attempts to ctb were far more impulsive? What's the point?

Now I think too much about methods and failure. Also knowing how much worse it feels when you attempt and fail and people know.

Truthfully if they'd give us an auto off switch I'd have been gone years ago.

Isn't it strange how similar many of us feel? I could have written almost the same.
I hope you find peace!

 

[Cathy Ames]

A lot of that is related to income, at least here in the US where your pocketbook largely determines if you are worthy of receiving healthcare. Also, there is the "mileage" factor which tends to affect lower middle class and working poor more than the upper class and the wealthy who don't spend every day putting wear and tear on their bodies just to achieve basic survival.

Yes, and also those numbers are life expectancy at birth. If a man is still alive at age 76, it's actually not very likely that he'll be dying of natural causes within the next year, even if he's already considered "unhealthy."

Editing to add: Here is a calculator thing. [There are others that let you put in health and other stuff, but this one is easy to find.] According to this, a 76-year old man in the US can expect he might live another 11 years.

Retirement & Survivors Benefits: Life Expectancy Calculator

Retirement & Survivors Benefits: Life Expectancy Calculator

www.ssa.gov

Every morning I wake up in a state of terror realizing that I spent the past few decades living a lie…
I've never had any real professional competence but was able to gaslight myself and others into thinking I had a career.
But it was really just subsidized by a small inheritance. And now I've woken up to the fact I'm never going to work again and I'm going to run out of money and be homeless.
The only thing I can do is hide from reality That's my time and money runs out… Every morning I wake up Realizing some new facet of reality…
I'll archaeologically dig through events and moments over the past three or four decades going all the way back to college and realize how I've been fooling myself and others…
I didn't want to die but this is not even close to a way of life I could possibly sustain…

Do you wake up every morning realizing some new aspect of your Fate?

I'm not sure what time of day that realization sets in for me. It might be ebbing and flowing depending on what else is going on.

 

[Graytaichi]

Every morning I wake up in a state of terror realizing that I spent the past few decades living a lie…
I've never had any real professional competence but was able to gaslight myself and others into thinking I had a career.
But it was really just subsidized by a small inheritance. And now I've woken up to the fact I'm never going to work again and I'm going to run out of money and be homeless.
The only thing I can do is hide from reality That's my time and money runs out… Every morning I wake up Realizing some new facet of reality…
I'll archaeologically dig through events and moments over the past three or four decades going all the way back to college and realize how I've been fooling myself and others…
I didn't want to die but this is not even close to a way of life I could possibly sustain…

Do you wake up every morning realizing some new aspect of your Fate?

Its depression. Can be healed. You have insomania right. Your bbp is v high. U are stress abt something , u ought to let it go . Fuck that. Its causing that depression i went throu also. Night calm morn horror.

 

[Hope:-)]

Recently I've woken up and had snapshots of the past...prior to me taking ill fated medication. Just strange things like suddenly seeing a coat I used to wear. Things I used to wear when I bothered with myself.

I'm just in shock at what has happened to my life. I want to ctb but I am now terrified of the sn method. This site is both good and bad.