Monday is my deadline

[Anarchy]

I haven't set a specific date for a long while, because I was scared of backing out. Ideally, I would like to attempt before Monday, but I need everyone else to be out of the house. My dad works on weekdays, so it's more likely that I'd be left home alone then.
I'd have to rely on my sister and mother going out, though.
At the moment, I'm not scared about the possibility of being maimed.

The thing that is making me most nervous, is that I can't pick a specific time and it's hard to mentally prepare, because I don't known when I will be left alone.

I'm going to bring my tablet with me and listen to music, and hopefully that will make it more bearable.

I'm looking forward to being home alone.

I feel calm in a way that I don't think I have before. I'm a bit worried that I'll be scared when I attempt, and that consequently, I will be unsure about it.
But I feel very certain about it right now.
It should all end in a few days, max.
I haven't written a note, but I might do.

Now to enjoy what should be my last moments. I want to be able to feel like I'm ready to go at any time.

 

[axorz]

which is your method

 

[Anarchy]

The all-controversial train method :/

 

[Breelia]

I totally understand your reasons for doing this. It's just so sad that you have been let down so much by people around you that might have been able to help.

I'm thinking of you and I hope everything goes how you want it to.

 

[Anarchy]

I totally understand your reasons for doing this. It's just so sad that you have been let down so much by people around you that might have been able to help.

I'm thinking of you and I hope everything goes how you want it to.

Thank you. I hope everything goes to plan for you too, when you get around to it. :)

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

how old are you bro

 

[Anarchy]

I'm 16.

 

[Wintergirl666]

Hey^-^
Although I don't know you I wish you the best of luck and that it's going to work. You probably suffered for a long time and I really hope that you'll finally find your peace by ending all this.

 

[Anarchy]

Hey^-^
Although I don't know you I wish you the best of luck and that it's going to work. You probably suffered for a long time and I really hope that you'll finally find your peace by ending all this.

Thanks :) Hope you'll find your peace too.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

are physical handicaped or is it just mentally?

 

[Breelia]

I'm 16.

Oh man, you are just so young.

I wish I could do something to help you...my oldest boy isnt that much younger than you.

I just wish I could shake your parents and make them realize they need to change how they care for you.

I'm so sorry :(

 

[Anarchy]

are physical handicaped or is it just mentally?

Mentally. Very mentally handicapped.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

any particular reasons for that or just simply subideal brainchemistry?

cheers

 

[Anarchy]

Oh man, you are just so young.

I wish I could do something to help you...my oldest boy isnt that much younger than you.

I just wish I could shake your parents and make them realize they need to change how they care for you.

I'm so sorry :(

Thanks. It's not just my parents. The world at large ignores me. The only person I ever cared about ignored me and I don't know why, and I will never see them again. I don't have friends and I can barely hold a conversation.
Also, I am very intolerant of people and society and a lot of things are painful to think about and to hear people talk about.
In the end, it just seemed that too many things were wrong for it to be bearable.

 

[Anarchy]

any particular reasons for that or just simply subideal brainchemistry?

cheers

I'm autistic, near-mute and have anxiety and depression and homicidal thoughts. I have no friends and want nothing to do with my family.
The only person who I loved and would die for has gone for good. They might have been in my life if I'd acted differently. But maybe not. I'm just so easy to ignore.
I did very badly in my exams, and am not going to college - I'm NEET (not in education, employment, or training).
My dream job is an author, but I couldn't write books because of my depression.
So I'd spend two years alone stuck in my house every day, with absolutely no-one to talk to. And even after those two years, I don't see how things would change.
I hate pretty much everything about society and I can't relate to people in general, because they generlly see, very artificial and superficial to me. The only person I thought was genuine was the person who ignored me without saying why.
They were the only one I trusted and the only one to make an effort with me. They treated me respectfully despite my practically being mute. They knew about my suicidal thoughts and were the only person who thought that my family are bad; everyone else doesn't seem to have a problem with them.
I have extreme paranoia about being locked up, and I almost have a panic attack when the phone rings or the post comes or I hear serious voices or the doorbell rings, because of this.

 

[Breelia]

I am also autistic. I understand everything you've said.

I also attempted when I was 16.

This world isn't fair.

 

[Tiburcio]

I wish you can find peace. I felt very identified with your posts.

Goodbye, man.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

seems like your socially isolation broke you..let me guess...family doesnt care and is busy with their own problems?

 

[Anarchy]

I wish you can find peace. I felt very identified with your posts.

Goodbye, man.

Thanks. You too.
I'll probably be around for a little while longer, but goodbye to you too. Your posts were very relatable for me.

 

[Anarchy]

seems like your socially isolation broke you..let me guess...family doesnt care and is busy with their own problems?

Pretty much, yes. They claim to care, but their actions suggest otherwise.
We don't have proper conversations, and we used to have major arguments before they threatened to have me sectioned after one.
They seem very entitled to me and blame me for not getting better, and are generally frustrated with me.
They argue with me, dismiss me or ignore me.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

Pretty much, yes. They claim to care, but their actions suggest otherwise.
We don't have proper conversations, and we used to have major arguments before they threatened to have me sectioned after one.
They seem very entitled to me and blame me for not getting better, and are generally frustrated with me.
They argue with me, dismiss me or ignore me.

can a bit relate...if you have no social interaction you will get depressed...everyone would...


id still say 16 is too young and instead of killing you might should try sth different before...like travel a bit or whatever...i mean you can always kill yourself after that...pretty much time left with 16

but if you think you cant wait any longer...shit do what you gonna do...

what will you eat this weekend? id eat like a mothafucka

 

[Anarchy]

can a bit relate...if you have no social interaction you will get depressed...everyone would...


id still say 16 is too young and instead of killing you might should try sth different before...like travel a bit or whatever...i mean you can always kill yourself after that...pretty much time left with 16

but if you think you cant wait any longer...shit do what you gonna do...

what will you eat this weekend? id eat like a mothafucka

I'd say it's too young too; I sometimes feel like I'm sabotaging myself and I get upset about leaving the world so early. But a lot of that is probably a manifestation of the survival instinct.
I've been ignored my whole life, pretty much: I've only ever had two friends - one was extremely self-absorbed and the other I didn't speak much with.
That I've never had a proper friend and am consistently ignored by everyone I come across - even someone who went out of their way to make an effort - indicates to me that things won't get better. If I were someone who people could care about and become friends with, that would have happened for me by now.
I can't make people acknowledge me or care about me, and I can't get rid of painful memories or change my way of thinking. The only thing that I can control is my death.
I could be 60, and I'd still be an overlookable person with severe mental issues, and extremely painful memories.

Guess I gotta opt out. Time just creates more painful memories, and makes me feel even more disconnected from the times when I was relatively happy. That time goes on and my situation only gets worse, makes me even more suicidal.

I'd eat like a motherfucker, except that my appetite has been very poor lately, and I haven't felt hungry at all; I just eat because it's interesting and tastes good.
Probably same as usual: pasta pot for lunch, whatever my parents cook for dinner, and savoury snacks. I'm not too bothered about food, though.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

I'd say it's too young too; I sometimes feel like I'm sabotaging myself and I get upset about leaving the world so early. But a lot of that is probably a manifestation of the survival instinct.
I've been ignored my whole life, pretty much: I've only ever had two friends - one was extremely self-absorbed and the other I didn't speak much with.
That I've never had a proper friend and am consistently ignored by everyone I come across - even someone who went out of their way to make an effort - indicates to me that things won't get better. If I were someone who people could care about and become friends with, that would have happened for me by now.
I can't make people acknowledge me or care about me, and I can't get rid of painful memories or change my way of thinking. The only thing that I can control is my death.
I could be 60, and I'd still be an overlookable person with severe mental issues, and extremely painful memories.

Guess I gotta opt out. Time just creates more painful memories, and makes me feel even more disconnected from the times when I was relatively happy. That time goes on and my situation only gets worse, makes me even more suicidal.

I'd eat like a motherfucker, except that my appetite has been very poor lately, and I haven't felt hungry at all; I just eat because it's interesting and tastes good.
Probably same as usual: pasta pot for lunch, whatever my parents cook for dinner, and savoury snacks. I'm not too bothered about food, though.

where do you live bro?

 

[Anarchy]

where do you live bro?

England.

 

[couldntthinkofaname]

England.

bro i would do a trip before you kill yourself, like pick up a bike, a few pounds and a tent and ride down to spain, do the
Camino de Santiago or whatever

think about it. and if your anixiety or whatever kicks in...someone who has the balls to kill himself she be able to do a travel on his own.

cheers

 

[Anarchy]

bro i would do a trip before you kill yourself, like pick up a bike, a few pounds and a tent and ride down to spain, do the
Camino de Santiago or whatever

think about it. and if your anixiety or whatever kicks in...someone who has the balls to kill himself she be able to do a travel on his own.

cheers

I've been missing before for less than a day, and they had a helicopter look for me. I'm pretty sure that it wouldn't end well.
It'd increase the likelihood of me being sectioned, and cause me more anxiety than anything else. I'm going to kill myself despite my anxiety because it would end my suffering, whereas going on the run again would bring more suffering, and for that time I'd have to live with my memories and thoughts: I wouldn't be able to cope.

I love the idea of running away and the sense of adventure and adrenaline and freedom that would come with it. But only my idea of running away. Only running away as I imagine it in my dreams, which is not at all realistic and is practically impossible.

I'm going to kill myself either way; why delay things and suffer more in the meantime?

 

[axorz]

The all-controversial train method :/

you really need big balls for do it with a train, just saying. There are methods that maybe can hurt but it is easy overcome survival instincts with them. For me train is like jump high building, they are lethal and maybe quickly death but too hard overcome survival instinct

 

[lv-gras]

also autistic, feel for you.

 

[Anarchy]

you really need big balls for do it with a train, just saying. There are methods that maybe can hurt but it is easy overcome survival instincts with tem

Yes, you do. I think that it seems the best method, though.
Not long after I became suicidal, I would pass close to a train and feel almost as if it would be peaceful to step in front. I was only passively suicidal then, and it was a long time ago, but still...it seems about as terrifying as any other method.
It's supposedly very reliable, which is the most important thing. It's the most reliable method that I feel able to attempt.
I'd probably prefer train to hanging (probably the next most reliable). I've tried asphyxiating myself before and I hated the feeling of not being able to breathe. But with train there's a good chance of instant or near-instant death.
But yeah, it would be a hard way to go.

 

[Anarchy]

also autistic, feel for you.

Thanks. At least it makes me more sure that friendships are almost certainly unattainable for me.
Despite everything, I couldn't imagine thinking in a different way or being a different person.