Help Mixed feelings

[laughingcorspe]

A couple days ago I got really low. I have this thing where I get depressed and sucidal for a couple days and then I'm fine for a week or two and then it repeats. I made a plan, but I'm now second guessing myself and my will to live has resurfaced. Plus, I feel like if I try, I'll fail, mess myself up even more, and be pitied by people. Part of me really wants to get my life over with, but the other part reminds me what I have to live for. What do you people recomend I do? Should I or shouldn't I end myself?

 

[locked*n*loaded]

No one on here will tell you what you should or shouldn't do with regard to suicide. The REAL people on here, who are here for LEGITIMATE reasons, pretty much all believe we have governance over our own bodies, and thus are free to make our own decisions of whether to live or to die. That is the decision that you alone have to make for yourself.

 

[Shu]

If you're looking for someone to tell you to take your life.. sorry you won't find it here. We do not tell anyone to kill themselves or encourage them to do so.
If you find things that you have to live for, try to live for those things. Don't give up so easily. Try to get help and weigh all options.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

A couple days ago I got really low. I have this thing where I get depressed and sucidal for a couple days and then I'm fine for a week or two and then it repeats. I made a plan, but I'm now second guessing myself and my will to live has resurfaced. Plus, I feel like if I try, I'll fail, mess myself up even more, and be pitied by people. Part of me really wants to get my life over with, but the other part reminds me what I have to live for. What do you people recomend I do? Should I or shouldn't I end myself?

What you're feeling is quite common here I think. It's atleast how I have felt over the last couple of years. I tend to come here regularly for a while, then I'll duck out and focus on being positive again. Back and forth I go with new ideas on how to improve my life or how to end it.

It's ultimately your choice to make, and it's not an easy one. I would agree with what others have said, and just make sure you have really thought about all sides of the situation before you make your final decision.

It's okay to be undecided on things like this, it's a big fucking deal and just know you're not alone in these thoughts.

Good luck x

 

[whywere]

Interesting post. I am 66, a huge reference for this post, and I have had many failures AND many fantastic wins through life so far. I have had 2 attempts, both were caused by an ex-wife, who gambled tens of thousands of U.S. dollars away behind my back. The 1st time I was not locked up but had to do an IOP (Intense outpatient program). She swore up and down the wall that she would never do it again, well guess what 4 years later I get a call from my bank saying a lot of money was withdrawn at a casino in another city where she was at for work.

This time I all most made it, but my mental health folks, figured it out, called the police and I wound up in the hospital for 2 weeks and then 6 months of weekly supervised visits. I divorced her in a heartbeat, after the 2nd time and it took me a whole lot of time to even start to recover from it.

But I told myself, then and there, that I would not let someone like her "win" and I would get better and stronger from it.

I also found SS and was allowed to join, and this site is truly everything to me now.

I give you some of my background to say that I believe in you and also that you have a tremendous number of gifts to not only give yourself, but humanity also.

Yep, there are great and not so great days, times, events, etc. But through it all there is SS, all the awesome souls here and so many experiences awaiting you.

Sending you lots of huge hugs, caring and the knowledge that you WILL do awesome things.

My absolute best to you,

Walter

 

[Sleeper System]

I am stuck in a similar cycle. Something will happen that will trigger my SI and I will 100% be committed to ctb. But if I just continue living my life as it has been programmed... I get over it in a week or two. But it eventually comes back. The sad part is I'll actually be doing better than I was but in the grand scheme... it's still nothing.

So my advice is this...

If your depression manifests in phases like my own... just keep going. Keep going through it and coming out on the other end. I believe there will come a time where if you are meant to ctb by your own hand, you will know that the time has come. You won't be able to recover like you normally would. That would be your sign.

 

[M.i.245541]

Similar situation. I want to end it but the good thing in my life, my family, gives me second thoughts. Up and down I go, and in circles I spin

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

I'm personally of the opinion that if someone is questioning it, then it's not the right time for them.

I used to be in the same cycles as you. Truly, I get it. However I'm so thankful that I stayed on for a few more years because I'm now completely at peace with my decision to CTB soon. I won't feel guilt or fear or doubt, and I think that's incredibly important because all those emotions used to rule my life. I certainly don't want them to define my death since that's something I get to choose. And while a lot of the time I spent in those postponed years was pure hell and self hatred... There were also some very happy moments that in hindsight made them worth it. I've had happiness, so now I can die peacefully.

I want everyone here to feel at peace when they chase their peace, if that makes sense. There's no point in hoping for eternal peace if you're in doubt during it.

 

[FuneralCry]

Only you know what is best for yourself as it is your life and your decision. Only you can decide. I'm sorry that you suffer, I can imagine that it must be tiring what you are going through. I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.

 

[MisFortunate]

I relate to this so much. I constantly dwell and wonder about the "what-ifs" so much that I am frozen with inaction. :(

 

[Forever Sleep]

Honestly, I'm background suicidal all the time but I have times when it is much more intense. Sorry to be so biological but it tends to follow my cycle. Most days I want to kill myself but if I REALLY want to kill myself, I kind of know what's pushing me over the edge- hormones I guess.

If it's not a constant wish for you and you do have periods of hope, then I would say try to keep going as best you can.

Is this cycle like clockwork for you? Sometimes just knowing that I'm about to come on is a comfort because I can pretty much expect to feel in an especially black mood. While I can't exactly change how I feel, expecting it and partly knowing some of the 'why' takes the intensity off to some extent. I really hope things improve for you.

 

[Idontmatter]

Since you still have hope I would stick with that hope. It's all up to you, no one can tell you when you should or shouldn't do it. Me personally, I've lost hope at getting better sadly. My self hatred and 24/7 suicidal thoughts have done their damage.