My suicidal thoughts are so strong this morning. I just mixed a glass of sn. I haven't drank it, I'm just staring at it. I want to drink it but I don't think I'll be alone long enough to succeed. I'm so ready. This is as closest as I have gotten to ctbing. This small cloudy looking drink is what is going to give me the relief I've been wanting.
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Please think about what youre doing and dont do anything rash. It sounds a bit rash. xx
I know. This is the strongest my suicidal thoughts have been. I'm just staring at this small glass like a dumb fuck. I want to drink it so bad but I started second guessing how many hours I'll have alone. I hate myself.
Have you read Stan's Guide? Taking Sn without the meds that are part of Stan's and often fails, people often throw up and are very sick for a few days but don't ctb.
I've read it. I haven't drank it. I'm probably going to wimp out because I'm stupid. I didn't realize how small the amount is you have to drink. Fuck, I want to die.
Definitely don't do it on impulse. It's not whimping out. You haven't fasted, done an AE and it's all too impulsive. Plus you don't know how long you have alone. The most logical sensible thing is to poor that glass away. Drinking it now would just make things worse. I know you're probably feeling really fucking stuck right now. It's horrible I know. Just try to relax into feeling relief that you don't have to worry about all the complications that would come with drinking it today. Find some peace where you can for now.
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I just feel stupid for feeling like this. This is the closest I have gotten.
One recent person posted that they either got brain or organ damage from a rushed attmept where it was not planned out, baseed on their symptoms that hpappened afterwards. It is best to not do an sn attempt without planning and supporting meds due to risks like this.
blackwidow
Road to nowhere
- Aug 12, 2022
- 231
Good advice.. throw it away and walk away from it.. you sound so uncertain, and your defiantly not stupid bless your heart. don't say that 
so many people seem to think that ctb is easy and being impulsive is absloutly not the right frame of mind to do something that is irreversible. Take a break.. don't beat yourself up, tomorrow's another day., be it a good one or a bad one, it gives you time to get your head together.
so many people seem to think that ctb is easy and being impulsive is absloutly not the right frame of mind to do something that is irreversible. Take a break.. don't beat yourself up, tomorrow's another day., be it a good one or a bad one, it gives you time to get your head together.Nothing in my life matters anymore. Sorry for posting this thread. I don't want to exist anymore. What I did today just tells me that it's time. It's going to happen very soon if it doesn't happen today. I want to be out of everyone's way and stop being annoying with my problems.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 42,573
I hope that in whatever happens, you find relief from your suffering. This life really is so cruel and I know that it's hard to carry on existing when all that you want is to leave this life behind. I think that personally I would only attempt ctb if I had enough time so the attempt does not fail. Failing ctb sounds so awful. Best wishes.
a_dead_mess
Member
- Aug 8, 2022
- 83
we're all here for you if you'd like to talk about it. sometimes you just need to vent to someone to feel better
Many people here fel thye same, I am sorry that you're suffering, but rushed, unaplnned attempts cause problems like involuntaryt hospitalization, health damaage without ctb, etc. Hopefully you can find some way t step back from this. It could be helpful to share why you want to ctb, maybe some people can offer some ideas for how to lesssen pain, at least in the short term.
I'm trying not to annoy people. I have a habit of rambling when I feel bad like this.
Many of us do- it's natural to try to find any way to alleviate pain when you're in so much pain. Maybe sharing a little about causes of this pain can help others give some ideas for for to alleviate this some.
Maybe that's what you need. Don't apologise for being vulnerable and seeking support. I don't know you so can't speak in absolutes but I'm getting the impression you may be overly self critical. I relate to the feeling/sentiment of not wanting to burden those around you but here it's a free for all. Do what you need to. What's the worst that can happen? Nobody replies or you get trolled. If someone here can provide some catharsis by listening to you ramble then take it.
It's funny, reading my own advice back, as I have a tendency to ramble and subsequently apologise for it too. Always easier to offer advice to others isn't it?! Lol. When you're in the thick of a situation it always seems so much more cloudy than looking at it from the outside.
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I just have mental issues. Medications won't work, therapy won't work and I've tried TMS. Nothing works. I have bad anxiety and depression. I've lost motivation to live. I hate myself so much. I feel stupid because people have it worse than me and are trying to live. I've given up and just want to die because I can't handle the 24/7 suicidal thoughts that I have.
I have no joy in life anymore. I've given up
I have no joy in life anymore. I've given up
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Have you looked into ketamine or micro dosing psilocybin? They're renowened by some people with treatment resistant depression. Obviously would require some research as they may not be appropriate for all mental health issues but worth a look if death is the only other option right? If they do work it's a much faster result than trying traditional meds which take many weeks to work when they do.
I poured it out. I feel so stupid. I think I'll go with my original plan of a hotel room.
I actually felt like doing this recently. I'm so stupid. I don't even have meds or anything so I'd probably end up failing and ruining an organ. I just need a place to do it. I'm thinking a hotel but actually going out to do that is difficult
I wish I could say that to myself. I'm trying not to sound dramatic but if I was alone longer this morning I would probably be dead by now. I just need relief and this is my only option left.
I'm going to do it in a hotel. I hate to die alone but it's what I deserve. I can't get some of the meds but even after vomiting I can still succeed. My emotions are worse in the mornings so I just kept thinking I want to die. I'm still thinking that.
Just don't do it impulsively. I mean without the other recommendations like fasting, AE's and whatever else is on the list.
I know you're feeling pretty certain at this point and I respect your right to make your choice either way however I can't help feeling for you and just want to throw the suggestion to look into the last option of ketamine infusions or micro dosing psilocybin. I missed an maybe just read about thwm whilst you're biding time. It can't hurt right? Some people come here and they're self involved or come off as attention seaking or ignorant but so far I haven't picked that up from you. You just seem like someone in pain with no options and that why I'm making suggestions. I don't want you to think I'm playing down what you're dealing with. I really just want you to have something. An option maybe. If only to really say to yourself you tried everything. I know you mentioned yoy tried meds already. Those suggestions are seemingly successful for some who are meds resistant.
Of course, I respect that you may not want to go down that route or feel it's just too much extra work at this stage. I'd be remiss not to at least offer them up for consideration though and I do hope you will consider them. Perhaps selfishly.
I know you're feeling pretty certain at this point and I respect your right to make your choice either way however I can't help feeling for you and just want to throw the suggestion to look into the last option of ketamine infusions or micro dosing psilocybin. I missed an maybe just read about thwm whilst you're biding time. It can't hurt right? Some people come here and they're self involved or come off as attention seaking or ignorant but so far I haven't picked that up from you. You just seem like someone in pain with no options and that why I'm making suggestions. I don't want you to think I'm playing down what you're dealing with. I really just want you to have something. An option maybe. If only to really say to yourself you tried everything. I know you mentioned yoy tried meds already. Those suggestions are seemingly successful for some who are meds resistant.
Of course, I respect that you may not want to go down that route or feel it's just too much extra work at this stage. I'd be remiss not to at least offer them up for consideration though and I do hope you will consider them. Perhaps selfishly.
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I want to try Ketamine but my insurance won't pay for it and it's to expensive without insurance. That's my other issue- my mental issues has cost us to much money. I feel guilty for the amount of money spent between that and some dental issues.
Worndown
Illuminated
- Mar 21, 2019
- 3,573
If this is your goal, take some time and plan it correctly. This method does not appear to have a good success rate when done on impulse.
I do hope your day gets better. This is a very low point.
I do hope your day gets better. This is a very low point.
I'm really curious about ketamine too and am really curious to know exactly what the ingredients of the infusions they use are. I mean obviously ketamine but apparently it's not the same as recreational use ketamine. Though thwy may just be saying that to avoid people doing it independently. I'm certain if the ingredients list were found it would be possible to recreate it at home for a fraction of the price. It's quite easy to obtain cleanly synthesised ketamine via dark net markets. It certainly wouldn't cost 500 a dose like the medically sanctioned ones.
With psilocybin it's much the same. Easily obtained and not expensive. Another plus with that is that you don't need to get high. You just take very low, unnoticeable doses. People have reported improvements almost instantly. Certainly within the first week. This is probably the easiest and cheapest option. I mean if you're confident in doing so you could pick them yourself but that's probably not ideal from a time sensitive point of view.
With psilocybin it's much the same. Easily obtained and not expensive. Another plus with that is that you don't need to get high. You just take very low, unnoticeable doses. People have reported improvements almost instantly. Certainly within the first week. This is probably the easiest and cheapest option. I mean if you're confident in doing so you could pick them yourself but that's probably not ideal from a time sensitive point of view.
I feel so bad for you. It's so clear from all your threads that you feel sorry just for existing. I do understand that feeling. I do get it too but it isn't your fault- you didn't choose to exist and you have as much right to do so as everyone else- even if you don't want to.
Your problems aren't annoying either- not here anyway. We are all here because we are struggling. It's a place where we can support one another as best we can- even if it's just to say- you are not alone in your pain. Your problems are just as valid as everyone else's.
I think I can understand why you mixed up the SN today- even if you weren't determined to do it today. I think to an extent, we are all teetering on that edge- it's like dipping your toe in the water each little thing. Yesterday I got closer to composing a letter to leave behind. All these things feel like we're getting nearer to doing it I suppose.
I'm very glad you didn't do it though. Like a lot of people have been saying- a hasty, rushed approach with no preparation may well have failed and you may have gotten yourself into a worse situation. I'm so sorry things got so bad today.
Thank you. I always feel ashamed about feeling like this. This is the only place I can pour those feelings out. I dont have any friends really because I'm so introverted. My emotions are worse in the mornings. I am definitely teetering on the edge. If I had more time alone I would have drank it. Im tired of the constant thoughts of death. I can't control them and they are 24/7. I know I'm not s stupid but I can't help feel that way. Stupid, ashamed and embarrassed. Im so exhausted and have no motivation. Just going to sleep forever sounds so good right now. At 45 I feel like my life is pretty much coming to a close. Thanks for putting up with my posts. It's nice when I'm not judged. I've given up
I relate a lot to what you are saying. Probably doesn't help much me saying it but you should never feel ashamed of a feeling. A lady who was a very good friend of my Mum's said- 'it's important and healthy to feel all these emotions'- I think I was calling my reaction to something stupid or silly but the thing is- if it's affecting you- it's not stupid, or silly- especially if it's making you upset. I do get that we maybe all overreact to stuff but to keep saying what you're feeling is dumb just belittles your experience all the time. I just feel bad for you but I know it's not something that is easy to change and I totally relate to you feeling exhausted from it all.
I'm 42. My Mum died aged 40. I was so sure I would follow in her footsteps and be gone by now. Also feel like I've overstayed my welcome here.
I'm introverted too and have lost touch with most of my friends. Honestly, I get terribly socially anxious, so I try to avoid people where possible but I'm so grateful for this place. Feels like it's somewhere I can have a bit of social interaction and just be honest about everything.
