Venting Miss being closer to the end

[Sylveon]

Not sure why I felt like posting today, but I miss the feeling of knowing it was all coming to an end. Making plans, or even just thinking about the future, seems terrifying; I feel as though my brain has subconsciously created a sort of autopilot "bubble" that keeps me from getting anxious by dissociating all the time. Even so, getting up every morning has been harder than ever; I don't know if I'm actually depressed or just plain lazy; a part of me knows I'm not doing enough to get better, but then again, why should I even try when I'm not happy with my life in the first place? It's an almost painfully funny paradox to be in.

Sometimes it does feel kind of nice to have someone else drive for a while, but more often than not, I'm just left yearning for some semblance of control; it feels like a never-ending cycle. I wish I felt sick enough to justify not wanting to get out of bed every morning. I know that I can't die, and that makes everything feel more painful than it really is.

 

[LunarEc]

Tough life

 

[milkteacrown]

I understand! As it stands currently, I am very close to CTB. For most of my life, suicide has been a background thought. Right now, I feel so happy I'm almost manic.
In the past, there was a period in which I desperately wanted to live, against all odds. It was one of the worst periods of my life, because I lacked that control.

 

[twilightSparriw]

Not sure why I felt like posting today, but I miss the feeling of knowing it was all coming to an end. Making plans, or even just thinking about the future, seems terrifying; I feel as though my brain has subconsciously created a sort of autopilot "bubble" that keeps me from getting anxious by dissociating all the time. Even so, getting up every morning has been harder than ever; I don't know if I'm actually depressed or just plain lazy; a part of me knows I'm not doing enough to get better, but then again, why should I even try when I'm not happy with my life in the first place? It's an almost painfully funny paradox to be in.

Sometimes it does feel kind of nice to have someone else drive for a while, but more often than not, I'm just left yearning for some semblance of control; it feels like a never-ending cycle. I wish I felt sick enough to justify not wanting to get out of bed every morning. I know that I can't die, and that makes everything feel more painful than it really is.

Not sure why I felt like posting today, but I miss the feeling of knowing it was all coming to an end. Making plans, or even just thinking about the future, seems terrifying; I feel as though my brain has subconsciously created a sort of autopilot "bubble" that keeps me from getting anxious by dissociating all the time. Even so, getting up every morning has been harder than ever; I don't know if I'm actually depressed or just plain lazy; a part of me knows I'm not doing enough to get better, but then again, why should I even try when I'm not happy with my life in the first place? It's an almost painfully funny paradox to be in.

Sometimes it does feel kind of nice to have someone else drive for a while, but more often than not, I'm just left yearning for some semblance of control; it feels like a never-ending cycle. I wish I felt sick enough to justify not wanting to get out of bed every morning. I know that I can't die, and that makes everything feel more painful than it really is.

Thanks for sharing this

 

[Fresh Soju]

Definitely feel you. There was a lot of peace in some sense, knowing what my ultimate goal was.