Summer Child
-cognitive dissonance personified-
- Oct 15, 2022
- 23
So, just joined. I haven't lurked a lot on this specific forum, but I have been in other spaces like this before. So I apologize if I don't get the culture yet (have read the rules and stuff though).
Alright, so. I'm interested in minimizing the impact of my death in general. I mean obviously suicide has a couple more consequences than natural death, but I'd like to ideally bring it as close to that as possible. I might look like I'm way overthinking this, but, this is something I've been planning since I was eleven (am mid-twenties now). I would like to do it to my satisfaction.
First things, I'm gonna try to make it look as unintentional as possible. I don't have access to many methods, and I'm paranoid that someone will suspect, so I'm gonna have to go about this a somewhat more convoluted manner. I'm anorexic, so that's a good place to start. I'm thinking either electrolyte or heart issues, or refeeding syndrome. I'm already starving myself anyway so the extra work won't be that bad. I do have a couple backup plans as well, but for now, I'm going with this.
Now. About my friends. I don't know what to do there. I'd like for them to be able to move on easily, but we're quite close so I know it won't be that simple. If I slowly lowered my frequency and quality of communication, they might blame themselves for not spotting the signs. I know they'd blame themselves anyway though.
If I made them dislike me, they might see through that once I've actually gone through with it. Same outcome. If I acted normal or otherwise gave them some happy last memories, then they might have trouble letting go. It's confusing.
Then there's the societal impact. I come from a small country where everyone knows each other, where suicide is one of the biggest sins in the government-mandated religion. Things like that are really sensationalized by people who love having opinions on other people's business. If it seemed at all intentional, it would become this whole thing. At least, in death, I would like to escape having my every move scrutinized and speculated upon.
Then, the note. That seems tricky. Only my close friends will get to read it, and I'm planning on a scheduled message linking to a document. I want to tell my story, I want to explain how I was feeling and why I chose to do things the way I did. But, at the same time, I don't want anyone to be upset that I tried to take it all on by myself, feel guilty about it. I would also like to say some last things to the people I loved. Nice things, like, I enjoyed talking about this or that with you. But, would it just make it harder for them? I'm also scared of mentioning anyone by name because what if someone feels left out?
Current plan for notes is a short one that doesn't go into any detail, that will be released as a scheduled message. The other, real suicide note, I would like them to have the choice of whether or not they want to read it.
Honestly, the hard part is balancing the things I want with the things that will be healthiest for my friends. I really do love them a lot, I understand that the healthiest thing for them would just be for me to not go through with it. But it's not the healthiest for me.
Oh yeah, there's my siblings too. Preteen and teen. I don't want them to ever know it was intentional. I feel really bad about doing this to them. Recently, we started getting along very well. They're growing up to be every bit as amazing as I'd hoped. But, wouldn't watching your sister starve to death be a bit hard on them? The idea behind that is that if I can get people used to the fact that I might die, then when it does happen, well, maybe they would have already started mentally preparing themselves a long time ago. But they're kids, so they'll process things a little differently.
Ah, haha, sorry it's long, I just, join and write up an entire thing. It's just, hey, I'll be gone anyway, might as well prioritize those who will still be living. If this sort of thing is something you're thinking about, I'm interested in hearing how you're going to go about things.
Might take my time with replies, but I will reply. Just a bit tired.
Alright, so. I'm interested in minimizing the impact of my death in general. I mean obviously suicide has a couple more consequences than natural death, but I'd like to ideally bring it as close to that as possible. I might look like I'm way overthinking this, but, this is something I've been planning since I was eleven (am mid-twenties now). I would like to do it to my satisfaction.
First things, I'm gonna try to make it look as unintentional as possible. I don't have access to many methods, and I'm paranoid that someone will suspect, so I'm gonna have to go about this a somewhat more convoluted manner. I'm anorexic, so that's a good place to start. I'm thinking either electrolyte or heart issues, or refeeding syndrome. I'm already starving myself anyway so the extra work won't be that bad. I do have a couple backup plans as well, but for now, I'm going with this.
Now. About my friends. I don't know what to do there. I'd like for them to be able to move on easily, but we're quite close so I know it won't be that simple. If I slowly lowered my frequency and quality of communication, they might blame themselves for not spotting the signs. I know they'd blame themselves anyway though.
If I made them dislike me, they might see through that once I've actually gone through with it. Same outcome. If I acted normal or otherwise gave them some happy last memories, then they might have trouble letting go. It's confusing.
Then there's the societal impact. I come from a small country where everyone knows each other, where suicide is one of the biggest sins in the government-mandated religion. Things like that are really sensationalized by people who love having opinions on other people's business. If it seemed at all intentional, it would become this whole thing. At least, in death, I would like to escape having my every move scrutinized and speculated upon.
Then, the note. That seems tricky. Only my close friends will get to read it, and I'm planning on a scheduled message linking to a document. I want to tell my story, I want to explain how I was feeling and why I chose to do things the way I did. But, at the same time, I don't want anyone to be upset that I tried to take it all on by myself, feel guilty about it. I would also like to say some last things to the people I loved. Nice things, like, I enjoyed talking about this or that with you. But, would it just make it harder for them? I'm also scared of mentioning anyone by name because what if someone feels left out?
Current plan for notes is a short one that doesn't go into any detail, that will be released as a scheduled message. The other, real suicide note, I would like them to have the choice of whether or not they want to read it.
Honestly, the hard part is balancing the things I want with the things that will be healthiest for my friends. I really do love them a lot, I understand that the healthiest thing for them would just be for me to not go through with it. But it's not the healthiest for me.
Oh yeah, there's my siblings too. Preteen and teen. I don't want them to ever know it was intentional. I feel really bad about doing this to them. Recently, we started getting along very well. They're growing up to be every bit as amazing as I'd hoped. But, wouldn't watching your sister starve to death be a bit hard on them? The idea behind that is that if I can get people used to the fact that I might die, then when it does happen, well, maybe they would have already started mentally preparing themselves a long time ago. But they're kids, so they'll process things a little differently.
Ah, haha, sorry it's long, I just, join and write up an entire thing. It's just, hey, I'll be gone anyway, might as well prioritize those who will still be living. If this sort of thing is something you're thinking about, I'm interested in hearing how you're going to go about things.
Might take my time with replies, but I will reply. Just a bit tired.
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