Might lose my job. if I do, I'll give it best shot to get a new one. if I fail - CBT time

[Cherry Crumpet]

I'm a ________ (don't want to disclose). Probably a shitty one at that. Anyway, been at a company for like 5 yrs. They have big probs now due to fucking covid. Found out I might be next in the upcoming round of layoffs in the next few months. Ironically, my coworker makes like 9k more than me, but they will prob keep them on, cause if they try to lay them off, my coworker can sue the company for Retailiation since they recently filed a sexual harassment claim. My therapist says my coworker can't do this if they are laid off... my friend says my coworker has good grounds for this if they try to lay them off. And it makes it more messy for the company so I'm the easier target, even if my coworker makes more than I do.

I gave this company my all for like 5 years. I really did try my damned hardest.. but... I'm not out of the count yet. Here's my plan. it's complicated cause my mom needs me to support her too. I think that hurts the most.

If I get Laid Off:

0. Have _________ up, NOW, BEFORE anything happens, with new content.

1. Get unemployment
2. Try as hard as I can get get a new _________ job
4. If I can't afford life, get a full time job in ANYTHING
5. Go as long as possible trying to find a job, while using unemployment and savings and min wage job, plus mom working
7. When i realize i'm going to run out of savings and be evicted, start planning to Catch the Bus. This would be about.. 1-2 yrs from when I'm laid off?
8. Get affairs in order (give animals to shelter, give _________ Collection to someone that values it -> how?)
9. Try to convince Mom (??? maybe??? fuck. this is hard)
10. Catch the Bus

-------------------

Consider a plan:
- Get N from D? -> best plan, costly, pain free, 100% success. How long does it last?
- SN?
- hanging?
- exit bag?
- Read PP handbook

Thanks for reading my shitty message.

 

[WhiteRabbit]

N can last years if stored in a dark, cool, and dry place.

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

N can last years if stored in a dark, cool, and dry place.

Thanks :) :) That's a relief

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I'm a ________ (don't want to disclose). Probably a shitty one at that. Anyway, been at a company for like 5 yrs. They have big probs now due to fucking covid. Found out I might be next in the upcoming round of layoffs in the next few months. Ironically, my coworker makes like 9k more than me, but they will prob keep them on, cause if they try to lay them off, my coworker can sue the company for Retailiation since they recently filed a sexual harassment claim. My therapist says my coworker can't do this if they are laid off... my friend says my coworker has good grounds for this if they try to lay them off. And it makes it more messy for the company so I'm the easier target, even if my coworker makes more than I do.

I gave this company my all for like 5 years. I really did try my damned hardest.. but... I'm not out of the count yet. Here's my plan. it's complicated cause my mom needs me to support her too. I think that hurts the most.

If I get Laid Off:

0. Have _________ up, NOW, BEFORE anything happens, with new content.

1. Get unemployment
2. Try as hard as I can get get a new _________ job
4. If I can't afford life, get a full time job in ANYTHING
5. Go as long as possible trying to find a job, while using unemployment and savings and min wage job, plus mom working
7. When i realize i'm going to run out of savings and be evicted, start planning to Catch the Bus. This would be about.. 1-2 yrs from when I'm laid off?
8. Get affairs in order (give animals to shelter, give _________ Collection to someone that values it -> how?)
9. Try to convince Mom (??? maybe??? fuck. this is hard)
10. Catch the Bus

-------------------

Consider a plan:
- Get N from D? -> best plan, costly, pain free, 100% success. How long does it last?
- SN?
- hanging?
- exit bag?
- Read PP handbook

Thanks for reading my shitty message.

Nothing is 100% success. But btw D won't be around forever so beginning a ctb plan that far down the line would be a different landscape. Something to consider.

But yeah I really hope you are able to keep your job. You seem like you have enough drive to keep living to the best of your ability.

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

Nothing is 100% success. But btw D won't be around forever so beginning a ctb plan that far down the line would be a different landscape. Something to consider.

But yeah I really hope you are able to keep your job. You seem like you have enough drive to keep living to the best of your ability.

Very true.. might look into getting it from him now. Thanks... I have drive.. sporadically lol

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds stressful what you are going through. This life can be very tiring. I'm sorry you are in this situation. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I never bothered to read your post.

Too long.

To CTB over a job?

Don't make me laugh.

Many of us (myself included) have endured unmentionable psychological and physical pain.

If you're going to do it, don't base it on a poxy job.

Unmentionable? Yeah to you. Maybe this person could have easily handled what you did.

See how toxic that is? You don't know the whole story.

 

[Onthe29th]

Believe it or not, financial instability is actually a big reason why people ctb. Hopefully everything works out for you though.

 

[LastFlowers]

Grow some balls.

Bet you've never even attempted!

Talk is cheap, money builds houses.

I realize there could be some good reasoning in bewilderment over why someone would want to ctb over a job, but if money builds houses..how does one get the money..without a job?

Not everyone can live as a dependent, there may be other factors at play and a "job" (or what a job usually affords you) is a necessity in this society.

You said you never bothered to read their post..well maybe you should have.
They said they would put off suicide until they were at the point of eviction (aka incoming homeless situation).
Not to mention that people look down on the unemployed and those who ask for government assistance (even if they actually need it).
They put in effort and time at a company that may now throw them out on their ass, that's not exactly something to scoff at.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Grow some balls.

Bet you've never even attempted!

Talk is cheap, money builds houses.

Nice I think the account was suspended. Reminds of that recent post about bullying being the reason a lot of people are here in the first place.

Bullies even want to infiltrate this forum.

No shit I haven't attempted, because I'm not impulsive. It is premeditated and takes planning.

I realize there could be some good reasoning in bewilderment over why someone would want to ctb over a job, but if money builds houses..how does one get the money..without a job?

Not everyone can live as a dependent, there may be other factors at play and a "job" (or what a job usually affords you) is a necessity in this society.

You said you never bothered to read their post..well maybe you should have.
They said they would put off suicide until they were at the point of eviction (aka incoming homeless situation).
Not to mention that people look down on the unemployed and those who ask for government assistance (even if they actually need it).
They put in effort and time at a company that may now throw them out on their ass, that's not exactly something to scoff at.

Bewilderment is different than being an asshole btw. Just thought I'd establish that parameter here.

 

[LastFlowers]

Nice I think the account was suspended. Reminds of that recent post about bullying being the reason a lot of people are here in the first place.

Bullies even want to infiltrate this forum.

No shit I haven't attempted, because I'm not impulsive. It is premeditated and takes planning.

Bewilderment is different than being an asshole btw. Just thought I'd establish that parameter here.

Their profile says they joined over a year ago and had hundreds of comments it seems, I'm not sure how they lasted this long without a report going anywhere unless perhaps they finally reached their limit and were having an awfully bad day so they snapped at OP, could have been a wild misinterpretation of the title as well in the midst of a miserable state.

I feel slightly bad if they needed this place and weren't a problem up until now, but their username only seems vaguely familiar to me so I'm not certain of their prior history as a member unless I were to read through all their posts/comments.
I don't know what to think tbh.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Their profile says they joined over a year ago and had hundreds of comments it seems, I'm not sure how they lasted this long without a report going anywhere unless perhaps they finally reached their limit and were having an awfully bad day so they snapped at OP, could have been a wild misinterpretation of the title as well in the midst of a miserable state.

I feel slightly bad if they needed this place and weren't a problem up until now, but their username only seems vaguely familiar to me so I'm not certain of their prior history as a member unless I were to read through all their posts/comments.
I don't know what to think tbh.

Bad days for me never lead to bullying other people, but we are a diverse bunch us humans.

 

[JinZhin]

I never bothered to read your post.

Too long.

Then consider not even replying and going on with your day as it's obnoxious as hell. You are not entitled to being an asshole.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I would just like to say that feeling suicidal as a result of employment issues and job loss is completely understandable and should not be undermined. To reduce the magnitude of such an issue to "suicide over a poxy job" is insulting and tone-deaf.

I am truly sorry for any suffering anyone has had to experience. I empathise tremendously with those who have endured unbearable suffering. However, this site is not a contest or an appropriate space to belittle other members' hardships. And I know - from lived experience - that job loss, financial instability and subsequent poverty can directly cause unbearable suffering too.

I am so sorry you are facing such a precarious position right now, @Cherry Crumpet. I am sorry that a role you have dedicated years of your life to could simply be taken away from you at any time, when you have worked so hard. I am sorry you are having to contemplate arranging your affairs and leaving someone you love (and who needs you) behind. I truly hope that you do not get laid off and are not forced to follow through any of these steps.

A person losing their income is a devastating experience in itself, and can plunge people into destitution, debt and homelessness. It can force people into utterly desperate circumstances that no-one should ever endure.

Attempting to acquire a new role is often an immensely difficult and at times impossible process, especially for competitive, niche positions in specific sectors. The stress of that alone causes and increases suicidality.

Having to rely on the social security system to survive is suffocating. Personally, I am unable to work due to a combination of mental illnesses, disabilities and chronic illnesses. I do not anticipate being able to resume employment in future.

I - along with others in my predicament - am looked down upon for this by the government and by society. Those of us who cannot earn a living (regardless of how hard we have tried to) are considered "scroungers", "lazy" and a waste of oxygen.

The application and assessment process when applying for disability and employment allowance is truly dehumanising. I have had assessors ask me why I haven't just killed myself yet. I have had assessors literally lie in their reports about my symptoms. I have been accused of faking my physical disability. The appeals process can be long, arduous, intrusive and even more brutal.

Financial aid offered by the government is a pittance (there are people who truly cannot survive on it and are forced to turn to charities, food banks and loans) and can be ceased with little explanation at any moment.

This is a situation I have not only historically encountered, but it is a possibility right now as well, as I am currently fighting to keep my welfare payments in place. If they choose to cease this funding, I will be forced to kill myself imminently. I would lose my home, my beloved cats (that thought alone consumes me with grief), money to feed myself...I would lose everything. I have nothing else, no safety net to fall back on if shit hits the fan. This situation is causing so much additional stress, it has exacerbated my illnesses and I am on the verge of complete collapse.

Similarly, those who are fired from their jobs can lose everything too, particularly if it is their sole source of income. Unless you have experienced it yourself, you cannot comprehend the snowball of suffering this can cause. It's more than a mere "poxy job" - it is people's livelihoods. Not everyone has the luxury of wealth, savings, loved ones or a robust support network that can help them pull through.

The system is ruthless, and is implemented in such a way that many are forced to abide by it in order to survive, or risk homelessness, poverty (although many workers still live in poverty despite working hard - even multiple jobs - to manage) and severe disadvantage.

We often have our humanity and value reduced to a mere job title (or lack thereof) - instead of having inherent worth - and it is soul-destroying.

No-one deserves to be treated as less than human based on their employment status and income. No-one deserves to struggle to make ends meet and be forced to kill themselves if they lose their employment. No-one deserves to endure homelessness, poverty, debt, starvation and no access to healthcare, heating and basic amenities needed to survive day by day. It is oppressive, barbaric and utterly reprehensible.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

I would just like to say that feeling suicidal as a result of employment issues and job loss is completely understandable and should not be undermined. To reduce the magnitude of such an issue to "suicide over a poxy job" is insulting and tone-deaf.

I am truly sorry for any suffering anyone has had to experience. I empathise tremendously with those who have endured unbearable suffering. However, this site is not a contest or an appropriate space to belittle other members' hardships. And I know - from lived experience - that job loss, financial instability and subsequent poverty can directly cause unbearable suffering too.

I am so sorry you are facing such a precarious position right now, @Cherry Crumpet. I am sorry that a role you have dedicated years of your life to could simply be taken away from you at any time, when you have worked so hard. I am sorry you are having to contemplate arranging your affairs and leaving someone you love (and who needs you) behind. I truly hope that you do not get laid off and are not forced to follow through any of these steps.

A person losing their income is a devastating experience in itself, and can plunge people into destitution, debt and homelessness. It can force people into utterly desperate circumstances that no-one should ever endure.

Attempting to acquire a new role is often an immensely difficult and at times impossible process, especially for competitive, niche positions in specific sectors. The stress of that alone causes and increases suicidality.

Having to rely on the social security system to survive is suffocating. Personally, I am unable to work due to a combination of mental illnesses, disabilities and chronic illnesses. I do not anticipate being able to resume employment in future.

I - along with others in my predicament - am looked down upon for this by the government and by society. Those of us who cannot earn a living (regardless of how hard we have tried to) are considered "scroungers", "lazy" and a waste of oxygen.

The application and assessment process when applying for disability and employment allowance is truly dehumanising. I have had assessors ask me why I haven't just killed myself yet. I have had assessors literally lie in their reports about my symptoms. I have been accused of faking my physical disability. The appeals process can be long, arduous, intrusive and even more brutal.

Financial aid offered by the government is a pittance (there are people who truly cannot survive on it and are forced to turn to charities, food banks and loans) and can be ceased with little explanation at any moment.

This is a situation I have not only historically encountered, but it is a possibility right now as well, as I am currently fighting to keep my welfare payments in place. If they choose to cease this funding, I will be forced to kill myself imminently. I would lose my home, my beloved cats (that thought alone consumes me with grief), money to feed myself...I would lose everything. I have nothing else, no safety net to fall back on if shit hits the fan. This situation is causing so much additional stress, it has exacerbated my illnesses and I am on the verge of complete collapse.

Similarly, those who are fired from their jobs can lose everything too, particularly if it is their sole source of income. Unless you have experienced it yourself, you cannot comprehend the snowball of suffering this can cause. It's more than a mere "poxy job" - it is people's livelihoods. Not everyone has the luxury of wealth, savings, loved ones or a robust support network that can help them pull through.

The system is ruthless, and is implemented in such a way that many are forced to abide by it in order to survive, or risk homelessness, poverty (although many workers still live in poverty despite working hard - even multiple jobs - to manage) and severe disadvantage.

We often have our humanity and value reduced to a mere job title (or lack thereof) - instead of having inherent worth - and it is soul-destroying.

No-one deserves to be treated as less than human based on their employment status and income. No-one deserves to struggle to make ends meet and be forced to kill themselves if they lose their employment. No-one deserves to endure homelessness, poverty, debt, starvation and no access to healthcare, heating and basic amenities needed to survive day by day. It is oppressive, barbaric and utterly reprehensible.

Brilliant comment.

It is also my opinion that one doesn't have to submerge themselves into the employment rat race before being justified to ctb. Ctb can be from avoidance of what one can anticipate coming down the road, and based on some exposure. I am not going to force myself to experience suffering so I can justify exercising my right to leave this party.

Working 40 hours a week for some people just isn't possible. I would quite literally have breakdowns. I have a very very low tolerance for doing the same things over and over again. Same money, same expenses, on replay. No thanks.

 

[Cherry Crumpet]

Cockney_Rebel said:

I never bothered to read your post.

Too long.

To CTB over a job?

Don't make me laugh.

Many of us (myself included) have endured unmentionable psychological and physical pain.

If you're going to do it, don't base it on a poxy job.

Well this blew up. I see this person is suspended now. Good. i wish I was able to respond before they were. The arrogance of gatekeeping suicide.

This response is specifically to Cockney_Rebel . I HOPE you read it.

Why even respond to a post if you didn't even read it? Why even bully someone on a damned Suicide Forum of all places?!

You don't know my history. You don't know my life. You don't know what I'm going through. Don't make light of my and others experiences because we don't appear traumatized enough, or in enough physical and emotional pain, to pass your little test on if someone is worthy of being damaged enough to not endure ridicule from you.

You wanna know? Okay. You can F--ing know.

I got my job 6 years ago. My mom was sexually abused by my grandfather 5 years ago. No one took her side except me and my family basically disowned both of us. Mom was caregiver for Grandparents for over a decade. They kicked her out of the house. My mom and I lost 90% of our belongings. My mom ended up living with me in my single room apartment and both of our lives completely fell apart. My mom got back on alcohol for the first two years and was drunk most of the time. I was worried she'd trip on the stairwell going down outside and crack her skull open and I'd get a call one day at work. I remember stepping over her one morning, while she was lying on the carpet between the bedroom and the kitchen to go to work, and she looked up and said "F*ck. You.", and rolled back over as if she said it was chilly outside. Another time she threw a knife at me from across the room, about a 15-17 foot distance. It stuck in the wall. She is better now, three years later. But, it still comes up, and it still triggers both of us. Horribly. She never remembered saying "F*ck You" to me. I'm glad she was drunk enough she doesn't. She feels horrible about it, the knife, and a ton of other things.

I basically blocked a lot of those first few years out. I lost everything I believed in. I had severe depression before this and generalized anxiety... but after this happened everything inside me just broke. It broke and I couldn't put it back together. My grandfather was my Dad. He raised me since I was a baby. He threw me and my mom under the bus because he didn't want to soil his pride by admitting to what he did. Do you know how painful that realization was? Do you? Can your little heart imagine a fraction of the pain I felt? His pride was worth more than I was.

Mom and I could have been living in a car, living under a bridge... and I don't think anyone would have given two sh*ts. The people I thought loved me betrayed and tried to destroy me. I had only one left - my mother. My grandpa too.. I realized later he had alzhimers.. but at times he was lucid and knew what he was doing was wrong.

What my grandfather did to my mother broke my reality. I have two lives now. I have the life before that weekend, and I have the life after that weekend. Nothing made sense. I lost nearly my entire family in the span of a few days, when I had grown up for 33 years being very close to them and "knowing" I could "always count on them". My grandpa raised me as his daughter. I AM his daughter. I love him still, I always will... but I still, to this day, have severe issues over it. I usually end up crying on the ride home from work because I can't make sense of it and it's slowly been festering away at me for the last five years.

I now go to therapy once a week because of suicidal ideation, among other shit that's wrong with me.

But... BUT - through all this bullsh*t. The one thing.. the ONE F*CKING THING that stayed the same.. that I held onto for DEAR F*CKING LIFE.. was my job. It was the ONLY THING I HAD LEFT that had not turned upside down and inside out overnight. It was the ONLY THING that made any SENSE in my ENTIRE F*CKING LIFE. It was NOT A JOB, it was MY F*CKING ROCK.

So yeah... going through all of that, and teetering on the edge of feeling absolute doom... having that last final thing.. that last tiny thing that I had to hold onto like a rock in the heavy current be threatened to be taken away from me. It f*cked me up. it f*cked me up real bad.

It's not just 'a job'. it's not just some bullsh*t job where I can be like oh, i'll just go get another one. it is the one f*cking thing LEFT IN MY LIFE THAT MAKES ANY SENSE.. and now I might lose that too!!! And I also have a massive complex about not being able to find a job because my mom couldn't find a job even tho she went to uni.. I spent my 20's assuming I'd never get hired anywhere and I'd end up living under a bridge or dead.

SO THAT IS WHY I ACTED THE WAY I DID. I HOPE YOU READ THIS AND I HOPE YOU FEEL SHAME AND EMBARRASSMENT FOR ASSUMING THIS WAS JUST OVER A DUMB "POXY" JOB WHILE IT WAS REALLY OVER LOSING THE LAST THING IN MY LIFE THAT MAKES SENSE!!!

You seem like a very small, hate filled person, if you go out of your way to attack someone here of all places. Why don't YOU step off your high horse and have some humility? It would do you good.

If you ever come back here under a new name. Never interact with me. Never belittle other people. and NEVER GATE KEEP SUICIDE, for the LOVE OF GOD.

Edited: Not sure if we're supposed to curse on here. Sorry, I wrote this response in an explosive fit of rage.

I've calmed down now too.

I want to say thank you so much to all the members here that took time out of their days to defend me against this person when I was not here, as well as the ones that responded to me with support and comfort.
@VoidDesirer22, @Mayushii , @JinZhin, @LastFlowers, @Onthe29th, @LeavingForever, and @WhiteRabbit.

I really really appreciate it. This has always been my safe haven and I've never had someone .. belittle my pain like this before. Knowing you guys had my back made me feel a lot better.

I love you all. And yeah, I certainly don't love Cockney_Rebel ... but I do hope it was like someone surmised and they were having a really bad time and just snapped at me. I don't know what they're going through.. and if they were on this forum.. I do hope they do find another community or support.