I'm been suffering from perpetually sadness and anxiety due to a devastating workplace injury that has gradually turned into a living nightmare due to a bunch of factors that have come to fruition(a story that I'll probably get into some other time). The time the meto has arrived could never have been better as I was discharged from the hospital as the psychiatrist concluded that he could med me up as much as I wanted but that won't change my parents will/have threaten me throughout my whole injury (exacerbating it to the point I couldn't move my fingers or my other shoulder). If you're curious the Meto surprisingly made it past customs; only took 3 and a half weeks?
I remember getting so anxious about ctbing due to my health problems and diminishing career and working life prospects because my inability to obtain meto. I thought to myself; if i can't obtain meto what use is my SN? Do I force ably have to put myself in a mindset where the possibly of hanging looks appealing? My inability and uncertainty of how or even if my meto would be delivered to me created such a tortuous cycle for me these past few months that I eventually turned to self-harming (which is what led me to end up in the psych-ward). Ironically the psych-ward has only helped in preparing and reflecting if I wanted to CTB as I've been prescribed zopiclone (which acts a benzo in helping people sleep).
It now feels so surreal to me. Knowing I have everything, the reality of CTB and death feels so much closer its as if I'm almost excited to try. I think now that I have everything to CTB via SN, more focus can be put on just taking it day by day and seeing where things go. My mood, anxiety and fear of dying has drastically decreased because when push comes to shove since I know there is a way out. Because of how meticulous you must plan to CTB via SN, it truly has put my life into perspective and I am now at peace more then ever for the first time since I've suffered my injury. The focus has become less about "how" and "what if" and more about understanding it will end soon so maybe I will be kind to myself". I think I will inevitability will CTB in the near future but with the trauma, lost of function and burden of living, I think I can spare myself the anxiety and focus more on squeezing out the little bit of life left in in. Being so close to the idea of being dead so soon I've been oddly comfortable f my life ending soon. But as mentioned in my previous post, suicide in it's self is sad, having obtained everything I need I've begun to reflect and find comfort that maybe life shouldn't be measured by it's length by it's depth.
I do think think there are some elements of tragedy considering my age, education level, personality, social circle and initial potential and promising career in social work. But being pushed to the limit having to contend with less and less function has only lead to apathy for my continued existence. I think calmly now a days since everything has conveniently come into place so when I do smile I probably genuinely mean it. I think with how meticulously I've prepared everything, I feel like any day could be the day I could start the regime. But realistically I am in no rush, and rather then get locked up in the psychward again; it is time to play fiddle to what life will throw at me as now I am at peace with CTB.
I believe I will do reasonable write-up when I do plan to start the regime because this forum has done alot for me these past 4 months. With how much people come in and out of the forum (when I mean out, I via CTB), I wish I could dedicate this post to the two SS user's that helped me get SN and Anti-emetics. Having made the rational decision to want to CTB, in the future, I know despite the downturns in my life, the least life can do for me is to allow me to end it on my own terms and in the most humane/peaceful way I could afford.
I think while I don't have a definite date, I think the next move would probably being writing my suicide notes that articulate and address to anyone I want to. The last thing I want is to send the wrong message with my death acting representing the cliche "I wish he had someone to talk to" because its a pure insult as to why I want to ctb in the first place and discounts what I've suffered through.
maybe I can make another thread explain why I am going through in planning to CTB because sadness and depression can come from many different places, and that life is beautiful but also cruel
I remember getting so anxious about ctbing due to my health problems and diminishing career and working life prospects because my inability to obtain meto. I thought to myself; if i can't obtain meto what use is my SN? Do I force ably have to put myself in a mindset where the possibly of hanging looks appealing? My inability and uncertainty of how or even if my meto would be delivered to me created such a tortuous cycle for me these past few months that I eventually turned to self-harming (which is what led me to end up in the psych-ward). Ironically the psych-ward has only helped in preparing and reflecting if I wanted to CTB as I've been prescribed zopiclone (which acts a benzo in helping people sleep).
It now feels so surreal to me. Knowing I have everything, the reality of CTB and death feels so much closer its as if I'm almost excited to try. I think now that I have everything to CTB via SN, more focus can be put on just taking it day by day and seeing where things go. My mood, anxiety and fear of dying has drastically decreased because when push comes to shove since I know there is a way out. Because of how meticulous you must plan to CTB via SN, it truly has put my life into perspective and I am now at peace more then ever for the first time since I've suffered my injury. The focus has become less about "how" and "what if" and more about understanding it will end soon so maybe I will be kind to myself". I think I will inevitability will CTB in the near future but with the trauma, lost of function and burden of living, I think I can spare myself the anxiety and focus more on squeezing out the little bit of life left in in. Being so close to the idea of being dead so soon I've been oddly comfortable f my life ending soon. But as mentioned in my previous post, suicide in it's self is sad, having obtained everything I need I've begun to reflect and find comfort that maybe life shouldn't be measured by it's length by it's depth.
I do think think there are some elements of tragedy considering my age, education level, personality, social circle and initial potential and promising career in social work. But being pushed to the limit having to contend with less and less function has only lead to apathy for my continued existence. I think calmly now a days since everything has conveniently come into place so when I do smile I probably genuinely mean it. I think with how meticulously I've prepared everything, I feel like any day could be the day I could start the regime. But realistically I am in no rush, and rather then get locked up in the psychward again; it is time to play fiddle to what life will throw at me as now I am at peace with CTB.
I believe I will do reasonable write-up when I do plan to start the regime because this forum has done alot for me these past 4 months. With how much people come in and out of the forum (when I mean out, I via CTB), I wish I could dedicate this post to the two SS user's that helped me get SN and Anti-emetics. Having made the rational decision to want to CTB, in the future, I know despite the downturns in my life, the least life can do for me is to allow me to end it on my own terms and in the most humane/peaceful way I could afford.
I think while I don't have a definite date, I think the next move would probably being writing my suicide notes that articulate and address to anyone I want to. The last thing I want is to send the wrong message with my death acting representing the cliche "I wish he had someone to talk to" because its a pure insult as to why I want to ctb in the first place and discounts what I've suffered through.
maybe I can make another thread explain why I am going through in planning to CTB because sadness and depression can come from many different places, and that life is beautiful but also cruel
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