May 1, 2018
As long as i trust in my ability to CTB, i feel relatively at peace, i'm trying to find some bitcoins seller in Morocco to get N, while doing research about other methods. N give me total confort and assurance, i'm 100% sure i'd have no qualms about drinking it since i'm 100% sure i want to die, i have 0 hesitation about that.

The only hesitation i have is about my ability to use other methods, so when i fear i won't be able to get N (either that i won't find a bitcoin seller in Morocco, bitcoins are illegal here so i can't buy them by credit card) or that i fear it will be stopped by customs, i feel an extreme level of mental torture, angst and anxiety, i fear that i may have to live for long feeling trapped in this life, sometime i tell myself things like "You can't live long like that, even without N you'll reach a point of despair where you'll just jump in the ocean or something like that", but still, it doesn't always work.

For those who are as sure as me about wanting to die, what do you do to regain your feeling of agency when you fear you may not be able to do it with the methods you have at hand ? How do you give yourself this reassurance that this state won't go on forever when it's already been years you live in that sort of limbo ?
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May 8, 2018
There are train tracks where I live, I figure putting my neck on the line is just about 100% lethal. If I really just absolutely can't take a damn second of life anymore, I have that to me. Figuring out how to suspension hang myself gives me some comfort. These days I can do a blood choke on myself with a sock and be out in under 20 seconds. I don't really have any good answers, but this is also something I think about alot. Really don't want to have to resort to the train method. Wouldn't want that for the train driver, wouldn't want my family to have to identify my decapitated head, and I don't want to have to find out if my taste for death is so strong that I would keep still while 2000 tons of earth shaking steel comes at my neck. I guess the way I cope with it is by practicing, researching, and preparing methods of death.
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