I'm 23 year old male.
Had depression since 13-ish, at times for a while had thoughts about death, suicidal thoughts, been dark and gloomy. Also had emotional dysregulation - mainly got irritable/angry.
At some point told by psychiatrist that ill have schizophrenia because she "knows people like that who don't do much in life". Jesus, how many nightmares i had of going insane since then. Didn't really fit in in school, was bullied, felt tired and overwhelmed. Delved in some substances.
Had risky suicidal behaviour since ~16 yrs. My main way of coping with suicidal wishes is by going through pedestrian crossing while a car is driving nearby, so i get very close to the car when it passes by. About that time i started having really weird vision problems - akin to tripping. I would see everything in 4K resolution, have visual trails, bright objects would make my vision double, plus sometimes objects would appear very close / big and small / far away at the same time. I also have on and off anxiety that at times is debilitating.
This year I started having emotional states that were like terror, sometimes accompanied by seeing monsters for a split second. At one point I felt very uncomfortable around a can of lemonade and wanted to say to it "what are you looking at?!"
I also have other super sick emotional states - i start feeling awful and then realization about a certain person hits me - their life is utterly tragic and miserable. Sometimes i just generally feel everything is tragically sad - my city, my dog that is wagging the tail seeing me, my parents, my life, etc. Its like torture mode gets activated. After that i feel pure emotional pain for some days, but suicidal thoughts get really bad for a week.
This year though for some reason i sometimes feel euphoria - I don't do any drugs besides prescribed ones, plus nicotine, caffeine. Sometimes I feel very dark. Or irritable and black-pilled.
The psychiatrists and psychologists just sort of get pissy - they're irritated I still feel bad taking two antidepressants and a neuroleptic and don't get it. They stare at me like I'm a statue of sorts.
I don't feel safe with them - one time they sort of contributed to me feeling really really bad for about a year. The therapist then decided that the problem with me was that i was selfish. Told everyone in a group That really stuck to me (though i didnt really think highly of myself even before) and I would go about telling all my friends I was a bad person, in great detail. Thank god I didn't lose any. I still sometimes cant watch TV because i see a conflict with someone and its as if they're mad because of me. When I watch true crime, its as if im the criminal, im the person that killed someone or otherwise was bad. And I like watching true crime, otherwise. It's beyond awful. I haven't killed anyone or done anything that bad.
Probably more things to say, but i guess thats enough.
Hi everyone, and thank you for letting me be part of your community.
Had depression since 13-ish, at times for a while had thoughts about death, suicidal thoughts, been dark and gloomy. Also had emotional dysregulation - mainly got irritable/angry.
At some point told by psychiatrist that ill have schizophrenia because she "knows people like that who don't do much in life". Jesus, how many nightmares i had of going insane since then. Didn't really fit in in school, was bullied, felt tired and overwhelmed. Delved in some substances.
Had risky suicidal behaviour since ~16 yrs. My main way of coping with suicidal wishes is by going through pedestrian crossing while a car is driving nearby, so i get very close to the car when it passes by. About that time i started having really weird vision problems - akin to tripping. I would see everything in 4K resolution, have visual trails, bright objects would make my vision double, plus sometimes objects would appear very close / big and small / far away at the same time. I also have on and off anxiety that at times is debilitating.
This year I started having emotional states that were like terror, sometimes accompanied by seeing monsters for a split second. At one point I felt very uncomfortable around a can of lemonade and wanted to say to it "what are you looking at?!"
I also have other super sick emotional states - i start feeling awful and then realization about a certain person hits me - their life is utterly tragic and miserable. Sometimes i just generally feel everything is tragically sad - my city, my dog that is wagging the tail seeing me, my parents, my life, etc. Its like torture mode gets activated. After that i feel pure emotional pain for some days, but suicidal thoughts get really bad for a week.
This year though for some reason i sometimes feel euphoria - I don't do any drugs besides prescribed ones, plus nicotine, caffeine. Sometimes I feel very dark. Or irritable and black-pilled.
The psychiatrists and psychologists just sort of get pissy - they're irritated I still feel bad taking two antidepressants and a neuroleptic and don't get it. They stare at me like I'm a statue of sorts.
I don't feel safe with them - one time they sort of contributed to me feeling really really bad for about a year. The therapist then decided that the problem with me was that i was selfish. Told everyone in a group That really stuck to me (though i didnt really think highly of myself even before) and I would go about telling all my friends I was a bad person, in great detail. Thank god I didn't lose any. I still sometimes cant watch TV because i see a conflict with someone and its as if they're mad because of me. When I watch true crime, its as if im the criminal, im the person that killed someone or otherwise was bad. And I like watching true crime, otherwise. It's beyond awful. I haven't killed anyone or done anything that bad.
Probably more things to say, but i guess thats enough.
Hi everyone, and thank you for letting me be part of your community.
