Help Mental block/anxiety around ctb, not sure how to fix it

[recordplayer]

Recently ended up having to share that I had made some plans to ctb with my parents. (Long story, but the alternative was worse.) That shook me up a bit and I wasn't sure if I'd be making the right choice, but after some more time thinking I'm staying with my original plan. Even though I'm set on ctb again, there's this anxiety when I think about my actual plan for tommorow. I know it won't be painful or fail, I'm not afraid of death if I think about it beyond that inital anxiety, and I don't want to keep living, so I'm not sure what the issue is. I'm scared I won't actually be able to go through with it when the time comes. I would wait it out, but my plan gets a bit more complicated after this week, and I hate having the weight of knowing I'm about to ctb over my head. I'm not sure what to do.

I think I'm still second-guessing myself. I know you're supposed to be 100% sure, but I don't want to just watch things get worst because I was afraid of going through with it. I feel like not ctbing tomorrow would just be failing or admitting I was never actually struggling enough to go through with it and I was scaring my friends for no reason. I feel so fucking trapped from all sides.

 

[Nightfoot]

Second guessing yourself can mean you're not ready, and that's okay. Not going through with it isn't failure or admitting you weren't struggling enough. Life and death matters are heavy and feelings can change. No need to rush if you're not sure. I hope things get better for you.