men make me want to ctb

[imsosrrymom89]

this isn't necessarily a vent I've always wanted to ctb had a lot of trauma in my life sexual abuse physical abuse neglect blah blah blah and I want to ctb all the time constantly but I hate having to coexist with them I know not all are bad and I know I'm biased because of the things I've been thru but they hate us so much I've never wanted to be out of this female body so badly it's such a target on your back no matter what age you are no matter how much pretty privilege you have we are seen as inferior and seen as a set of holes with no thoughts worth sharing no boundaries worth respecting I grew up on kik and Omegle being blackmailed reminiscent of Amanda Todd only difference is I didn't ctb because I felt like I had to take care of my sister bc my mom was MIA I'll never be able to be in a normal relationship with a man I'll never be able to have a normal sex life I'll never be able to love myself when you touch a kid you ruin its life not just it's innocence even getting revenge wouldn't help anything but it sure would feel good before I go the reason I couldn't even deal with what happened to me was because I was afraid of what people would say and I knew I'd be ran out of my school / blamed for it just like I blame myself I wish I was in a position where I could completely isolate myself from them but we all know that's not really possible now I have a son and obviously I love him and I know not all men are evil I'm just worried I'll never recover from any of that and I just don't understand

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Being rationally angry because of your circumstances isn't you being hateful, it's you being upset because deep down you love yourself and hate what was done to you.

 

[imsosrrymom89]

Being rationally angry because of your circumstances isn't you being hateful, it's you being upset because deep down you love yourself and hate what was done to you.

I agree it's just very difficult for me to not let it fester obviously I wouldn't ever be rude or out of the way to a male that didn't deserve it (that's more courtesy than they give us) but it's almost debilitating how angry I am how hurt I am how traumatized I just know I'm completely ruined forever and it's for a lot of reasons not just the sexual abuse I just feel like I can only take so much and I don't want to snap but I'm so tired of being treated that way I'm so tired of being scared it doesn't matter how many boundaries you set if they want to beat you to death they will if they decide they're entitled to be inside you you're already fucked there's nothing to even the score and I hate all this men vs women shit I know men suffer too and that we're all suffering but they just don't ever have consequences they don't have the capacity to be sorry

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I agree it's just very difficult for me to not let it fester obviously I wouldn't ever be rude or out of the way to a male that didn't deserve it (that's more courtesy than they give us) but it's almost debilitating how angry I am how hurt I am how traumatized I just know I'm completely ruined forever and it's for a lot of reasons not just the sexual abuse I just feel like I can only take so much and I don't want to snap but I'm so tired of being treated that way I'm so tired of being scared it doesn't matter how many boundaries you set if they want to beat you to death they will if they decide they're entitled to be inside you you're already fucked there's nothing to even the score and I hate all this men vs women shit I know men suffer too and that we're all suffering but they just don't ever have consequences they don't have the capacity to be sorry

I know, I also thought if it was the SA that happened to me when I was a kid (I am presenting as a guy for now) but it was never the woman that did that to me , it was how going through life and society, everywhere, it was always the men who would belittle assault, would fantasize about it, it was the men that felt I didn't belong as a man that bullied me for it and they got away with it because they don't respect me, they see the traits of a "weak woman" into me and think they can also hit and make fun because I looked like them, basically telling that if women would overnight turn into guys, they'd start beating them too; I was fair game basically. It's not even that I couldn't fight back, I regret it so much, I could have actually fought back, easily. I was just never taught to, my family failed me in this regard, I was never allowed to be angry or feel anything.


This broke me personally, not the abuse I got as a little kid but how the world around me dismissed it and abused me further for not sticking to their stupid norms. I hate the men vs women too but in the last years I've began resonating with women even more, it's like 5% to 95% now, when before it was 25% to 75%, I always felt safer around women even if they were the cause of my initial assault (luckily mine wasn't as bad as what I've read online) , it's MOSTLY men who continued to perpetuate that original abuse.

 

[ConstantPain]

I get it! I have a brother I adore and thought I had found a good guy. I was very wrong and am now stuck in a terrible marriage where I've been sexually and emotionally abused. He accuses me of things all of the time, especially asking whose dick I've been sucking. The irony is that I have been faithful to him and have zero desire to ever be in a romantic or sexual relationship again. Never, ever again!

I'm sorry for all the trauma you've been through and hope that you can realize someday that nothing was ever your fault. You are in no way inferior either but agree that we're frequently treated this way. I understand emotionally feeling as though you are ruined because I have thought that myself but no, fuck that. You are doing positive things for this world and raising a child! That's amazing and you should be proud.

 

[imsosrrymom89]

I know, I also thought if it was the SA that happened to me when I was a kid (I am presenting as a guy for now) but it was never the woman that did that to me , it was how going through life and society, everywhere, it was always the men who would belittle assault, would fantasize about it, it was the men that felt I didn't belong as a man that bullied me for it and they got away with it because they don't respect me, they see the traits of a "weak woman" into me and think they can also hit and make fun because I looked like them, basically telling that if women would overnight turn into guys, they'd start beating them too; I was fair game basically. It's not even that I couldn't fight back, I regret it so much, I could have actually fought back, easily. I was just never taught to, my family failed me in this regard, I was never allowed to be angry or feel anything.


This broke me personally, not the abuse I got as a little kid but how the world around me dismissed it and abused me further for not sticking to their stupid norms. I hate the men vs women too but in the last years I've began resonating with women even more, it's like 5% to 95% now, when before it was 25% to 75%, I always felt safer around women even if they were the cause of my initial assault (luckily mine wasn't as bad as what I've read online) , it's MOSTLY men who continued to perpetuate that original abuse.

I was in the system for a lot of years when I was a minor and I was in juvie with a girl my age who was trans she had been abused by her dad in extreme ways, she was an only child, her mom refused to leave her dad so she attempted ctb several times and ended up in the facilities because her mom wouldn't step up and get her and I hated her having to be there but we got very close. I witnessed a lot of the trials she had to go through because of her identity and because of the abuse she faced and it was horrible. I think about her every single day. I won't begin to insinuate I know how you feel as far as your gender identity and the flack that comes with it, I love being a woman but I feel as if the best parts of it have been ruined for me and I just feel so uncomfortable in my body. I can only imagine the things you've suffered in male spaces and I wish I could take it all away from you. My mom was somewhat complicit in some of the sexual abuse I suffered and I have hatred for women abusers just as I do men abusers. As well as being able to understand how hard it is for men to come out about their abuse. I was taught traditional gender roles and to please your man under any circumstances, be submissive, etc so it took a long time for me to start to fight back too and the minute I did I started getting beat up so bad I was scared for my life. This has only made things worse for me because I just wanted to stand up for myself for once. The police don't care and they don't take victims seriously we all know this. But I wish we could at least come together and make some changes as far as protecting ourselves, protecting our children. But like you said there's definitely sick women out there too it's so hard on your mind not ever knowing who you can trust. This is why I'm a hermit basically. I hope you can start to be able to feel your anger because its warranted.

I get it! I have a brother I adore and thought I had found a good guy. I was very wrong and am now stuck in a terrible marriage where I've been sexually and emotionally abused. He accuses me of things all of the time, especially asking whose dick I've been sucking. The irony is that I have been faithful to him and have zero desire to ever be in a romantic or sexual relationship again. Never, ever again!

I'm sorry for all the trauma you've been through and hope that you can realize someday that nothing was ever your fault. You are in no way inferior either but agree that we're frequently treated this way. I understand emotionally feeling as though you are ruined because I have thought that myself but no, fuck that. You are doing positive things for this world and raising a child! That's amazing and you should be proud.

I can sympathize definitely my son's dad was my high school sweetheart, my best friend, the only person I felt I had in this world, the only one that ever gave me the love and comfort I always craved and there were several times he hit me to the point I needed stitches and choked me to the point I passed out. He was the ideal partner 90% of the time and those good times made me forget how fast he could get angry at me. Some of the stuff I went through with him made me suffer horribly I prayed every night to make him love me the way he used to. He has gotten better and that's something I know is rare in dv relationships but that's not the reality for everyone. I know how hard it is but it took me leaving for him to change but that's the best case scenario don't lose yourself in a relationship. Complacency is easiest and that's understandable but it can ruin you and takes a long time to get back to yourself again but I know you already know that. Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement I hope he can change and if not I hope the pain you feel can be eased someway and that you turn out stronger on the other side

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I was in the system for a lot of years when I was a minor and I was in juvie with a girl my age who was trans she had been abused by her dad in extreme ways, she was an only child, her mom refused to leave her dad so she attempted ctb several times and ended up in the facilities because her mom wouldn't step up and get her and I hated her having to be there but we got very close. I witnessed a lot of the trials she had to go through because of her identity and because of the abuse she faced and it was horrible. I think about her every single day. I won't begin to insinuate I know how you feel as far as your gender identity and the flack that comes with it, I love being a woman but I feel as if the best parts of it have been ruined for me and I just feel so uncomfortable in my body. I can only imagine the things you've suffered in male spaces and I wish I could take it all away from you. My mom was somewhat complicit in some of the sexual abuse I suffered and I have hatred for women abusers just as I do men abusers. As well as being able to understand how hard it is for men to come out about their abuse. I was taught traditional gender roles and to please your man under any circumstances, be submissive, etc so it took a long time for me to start to fight back too and the minute I did I started getting beat up so bad I was scared for my life. This has only made things worse for me because I just wanted to stand up for myself for once. The police don't care and they don't take victims seriously we all know this. But I wish we could at least come together and make some changes as far as protecting ourselves, protecting our children. But like you said there's definitely sick women out there too it's so hard on your mind not ever knowing who you can trust. This is why I'm a hermit basically. I hope you can start to be able to feel your anger because its warranted.

I'm angry , I'm angry reading that somewhere in the world yet another person suffers and that person knows another and it's an never unending cycle. I want to protect others like me, to not have them go through the same thing, other than that I have nothing left.


Don't worry about the gender thing. I present myself as a man out of necessity, you don't need to explain anything, not to me nor everyone else. Your reasons are your own and you know them and own them, you fought to be able to say what you do now; don't let anyone tell you otherwise or feel bad about it. I'd say most of the people here understand perfectly what you mean. Those who are feeling attacked by your words should do some introspection given the whole context you've given.