Me, Myself & Suicide Idealisation.

[raindrops]

Hello SS,

Been awhile since I've posted, I thought I was better, I was I think, at least I felt it.
That's just it, I felt like I was better but still during that whole time of 'feeling better' I STILL idealise(d) suicide.
I've tried so hard to steer my mind and yet here I am still waiting to die.
I've read and read and felt and felt about these feelings and yet still people/doctors still they don't consider these feelings as terminally ill.
Although I could go to Holland and get euthanised? Yes I've read but I'm still so naive to that.
I'm not sure if you have to be a resident of said country, even then you probably have to pay some extreme price for it, including travel, I'm in the UK and poor so... forget it Z, forget it.

I've avoided work now since the 1st of June, fuck... months I've been away from work.
How do I get back to work now? I need sick notes right, I need a doc to truly diagnose me, not just some pills to reduce the feeling of wanting death to come. I use to type here with some unrealistic hope someone would talk me through how to die, how to do it, the pain threshold, the aftermath. No one could ever do that.

I am asking though how to get back into work? I do feel unwell mentally. I have been away from work with good reason - trying to figure how to die asap. Maybe it's BPD and I'm not saying that naively, I truly think I have BPD.


I've ignored emails, phone calls too as my phone has been disconnected from the service, ya know, not paying my bills, I am not even in debt, I need my phone for work to call.
How do I redeem myself now in my works eyes? How.

How and where do I start? and yet even when I go back I will be looking at the tall building I work in and only dreaming of climbing those stairs only to give myself a quicker route down!

Thank you, if you read, or any advice on how you got back to work, or what you needed to show to the boss.

-Z

x

 

[chocolatebar]

I find myself in a similar situation. I need to "prove" that I'm not suicidal and get some medical reports so I can be allowed to work again. Problem is that I'm more suicidal than ever and not working is making it even worse.

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

I can relate to the not paying bills even though I have the money. People don't understand that you "just can't do it". You're just totally numb so it doesn't matter.

I haven't stopped working yet, but I think my only solution is to move as far away from where I am right now and just completely start over. I personally am more okay with just completely starting over compared to trying to fix or "address in a healthy manner" the cluster mess of every thing I have going on.

 

[Chiisai]

I find myself in a similar situation. I need to "prove" that I'm not suicidal and get some medical reports so I can be allowed to work again. Problem is that I'm more suicidal than ever and not working is making it even worse.

I feel you. I have been there too but sadly I handed my resignation instead because I cannot bear to become a liability to the company I was with.

 

[raindrops]

I find myself in a similar situation. I need to "prove" that I'm not suicidal and get some medical reports so I can be allowed to work again. Problem is that I'm more suicidal than ever and not working is making it even worse.

What we gonna do man? Ugh.
Yes! Not working has made it worse, the first few weeks were fine and now months has gone by I feel stuck, really, truly, stuck.
I understand how you feel, at least a bit. Have you emailed recently then? I will tomorrow, I mean it is tomorrow, I mean in a few hours. Ugh.

I have terribly dark humour and tbh when I go back I feel like saying to the manager;
"come here, come, look, this is how I've been feeling, you need to know"
Then boom, I'd jump for some dramatic effect!! If only. Wouldn't want to scar anyone, although I think they wouldn't be, momentarily yes, indefinitely, no. I've always said what an amazing conversation started I'd be....
"AND THEN, then she jumped, it was crazy"

I can relate to the not paying bills even though I have the money. People don't understand that you "just can't do it". You're just totally numb so it doesn't matter.

I haven't stopped working yet, but I think my only solution is to move as far away from where I am right now and just completely start over. I personally am more okay with just completely starting over compared to trying to fix or "address in a healthy manner" the cluster mess of every thing I have going on.

Exactly that, glad you said.
The boss emailed me and I couldn't read it properly, it was so much and the insensitive c*nt was spewing shit out like I could handle it. Honestly that sounds healthy, as long as you can do it positively all you need is yourself to create happiness.
Even if that happiness is just cuppa tea in bed and some music maybe I dunno.

 

[chocolatebar]

What we gonna do man? Ugh.
Yes! Not working has made it worse, the first few weeks were fine and now months has gone by I feel stuck, really, truly, stuck.
I understand how you feel, at least a bit. Have you emailed recently then? I will tomorrow, I mean it is tomorrow, I mean in a few hours. Ugh.

I have terribly dark humour and tbh when I go back I feel like saying to the manager;
"come here, come, look, this is how I've been feeling, you need to know"
Then boom, I'd jump for some dramatic effect!! If only. Wouldn't want to scar anyone, although I think they wouldn't be, momentarily yes, indefinitely, no. I've always said what an amazing conversation started I'd be....
"AND THEN, then she jumped, it was crazy"

I emailed them already, but they made it clear to me that I won't work without a medical report and no doctor wants to write that I'm in working conditions.

About those dark thoughts... I sometimes have some similar ones, but I promised to myself I won't ctb in an emotional state and, if I do it, it's going to be a rational decision. It helped a lot with dark thoughts.

 

[raindrops]

I feel you. I have been there too but sadly I handed my resignation instead because I cannot bear to become a liability to the company I was with.

Amazing, you did what you needed to do for yourself and not for others!
Wish I could follow suit. But, money. I live at home and I'm twenty-fucking-8.
Should I do it, should I say, fuck you insensitive C*NTS.
So glad you did that for you though because I know why you needed to, that feeling isn't worth deteriorating more over work.

I emailed them already, but they made it clear to me that I won't work without a medical report and no doctor wants to write that I'm in working conditions.

About those dark thoughts... I sometimes have some similar ones, but I promised to myself I won't ctb in an emotional state and, if I do it, it's going to be a rational decision. It helped a lot with dark thoughts.

I will now attempt to type in a smaller font, cant see it lol need glasses too by the looks of it (no pun)
Yesss that famous "you cant come back unless I know you're on the verge of literal death and even then I'm sure you could make it in so just get that note"
100% yes never in an emotional state. And yes! I said the same, one. more. tipping. point. That'll do it.

 

[chocolatebar]

I will now attempt to type in a smaller font, cant see it lol need glasses too by the looks of it (no pun)

If you see better in a bigger font, you can keep using it, it's fine and most people will understand. Have you tried increasing font size in your browser or using the accessibility options in your device?

 

[ChobaniFlipSmores]

Man, I also think it would be easier to "restart" if it wasn't for stupid covid restrictions limiting everything that I used to blow off steam. Working from home is not much better than prison.

 

[raindrops]

If you see better in a bigger font, you can keep using it, it's fine and most people will understand. Have you tried increasing font size in your browser or using the accessibility options in your device?

I'm long sighted so I need to use my phone at arms length lol. At the moment I'm using the laptop.
I have before and then I end up constantly changing the font sizes!!
Thank you I thought it seemed to big and bold lol
=)

Man, I also think it would be easier to "restart" if it wasn't for stupid covid restrictions limiting everything that I used to blow off steam. Working from home is not much better than prison.

Earth isn't much better than a prison either.

Like Agent Smith said -

"I'm going to be honest with you... I hate this place, this zoo, this prison, this reality, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell, if there is such a thing. I feel saturated by it. I can taste your stink, and every time I do I fear that I have somehow been infected by it. It's repulsive! Isn't it?"
I must get out of here. I must get free, and in this mind is the key, my key!