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Mar 14, 2023
I have had this thought so often. It's a dumb coping mechanism.

"Maybe X bad thing had to happen but Y consequence will be good and is just around the corner". To begin with, X didn't need to happen for Y to happen. Plenty of people get Y without having to go through X. But on top of that, Y turns out to be worse than X anyway. It was just an illusion.

This week is it. People don't think I'm serious cuz I've talked about suicide off and on for 27 years. What they don't realize is that I gave life 27 years to give me SOMETHING. Give me solid reason to stick around. It gave me a reason - an X - and then took it away Y - so many times. Usually within quick succession. I've been played around with for too long.

I believe in God. But I know it's not in his plan to help anyone here, unless you're literally holy. He will punish me for CTB next week but he won't be able to say my life wasn't terrible. I don't believe in a Catholic hellfire. I just believe you go to sleep. Fine by me. I've wanted sleep for 27 years anyway.
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Vicolo cieco

Vicolo cieco

May 14, 2024
The longer we wait, the more we're exposed to the harms of life. It's an awful predicament to be in.
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Forever Sleep

Earned it we have...
May 4, 2022
Yeah- I fall into this trap too. Maybe this awful thing that just happened, happened for a reason. Maybe it's all for the greater good... yada, yada, yada. I guess sometimes, it has worked out that way but, not always. Like you say- it's a coping mechanism. In the hopes we don't get utterly crushed by the latest defeat but yeah- when life just turns in to one long string of defeats or just anti climaxes- where the so-called reward didn't feel like it was worth the effort, it does make me wonder why I should keep trying.
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