Well I'm not even on the verge of attempting to CTB rn, I was mainly curious after seeing Tantacrul's video. Instead of just hating on the site like he did in his video, I wanted to actually see what it's like from a non-biased viewpoint.
Now me personally, I'm not currently thinking of CTB, but I actually have had thoughts of CTB ever since I was a kid for many reasons. I am a minority in a small and extremely racist town, and was ALSO alienated due to being born into this weird cult of a religion. It was not my choice to be born into that crap, but luckily I'm out of it and my parents seem to be less involved in that crap as well. Nonetheless it caused a lot of trauma for reasons I won't go into right now, but I've been healing from it these past few years and while I'll never have a normal life I have at least been getting better. Also my town is a lot less racist than it was when I was a kid so that's nice. Another reason I thought of CTB is bc my own "family" constantly ridiculed me regardless of how I acted. They'd team up on me, twist my words, laugh at me. It didn't matter if what they said was true, all they wanted was a reaction out of me. It gave them a sense of power. People do this because they feel no power over their own life so they find joy in emotionally manipulating other people to compensate for their lack of power. It made me extremely close to ending it all when I didn't understand all that. Nowadays i'm less of a pushover and don't give af if I hurt someone else's feelings if they are trying to disrespect me. I won't entertain people who want to "hangout" with me when I know last time "hanging out" just meant constantly disrespecting me. I have enough self respect to not put myself through that. Even though I'm not 6 feet tall and can't bench 10,000 pounds or anything, I'll still stick up for myself and others when the time comes. Although I'm still not perfect and never will be, that's one major change I've seen in myself.
Environment can certainly help or worsen your state of mind. So while my room is currently dirty lol, i usually try to keep it clean. I also phase out of the lives of those who make my feel like I'm not a human. Right now I'm at my parents house so I don't always have a choice, but if it's my family who disrespects me then I'll put up a fight without allowing them to effect my emotions. That's the key. Also minimizing events with them has given me a great sense of peace. I remember the last couple times we'd go out for dinner it was always just them trying to make me feel like I didn't deserve to live. Now they are mad at me for not being available lmao. It's hilarious. I'll just live my best life over here, fuck y'all haha.
Another thing that has helped me a lot is clarity. Clarity on my world views (this came from a lot of self studying on a plethora of topics). Clarity for my future life in terms of where I'd like to live. And clarity on what I'd like to do as a career. And that last one did not come easy. I can guarantee you if you ask me about your business idea or if you are thinking about going into a certain profession, I have definitely done research on it. But after going to high school, then college, dropping out, trying out a bunch of different things, then going back to a cheaper college, then dropping out again, I finally have clarity on exactly what I want to do in life and EXACTLY how to get there. That clarity took a long time to get bc I've had terrible guidance if any at all on some things, but it also definitely took away the thoughts on CTB.
