Maybe my time is getting near?

[Midgardsorm]

So, last Tuesday I had a severe Anxiety Crisis / Panic Crisis. I don't actually know what happened, but I couldn't stay still, sit down, lie down, I were absolutely scared, preoccupied, everything were tickling me. I was also feeling very weak, my head were spinning and for some times, the uncomfortable sensation were so painful that I was hoping that I could just "Vanish" from existence. Get out of my body somehow.
I tried some teas, tried to calm myself down, tried to sleep, tried some meditation, nothing worked.

I ended up in the Hospital, having to wait like 2 hours to receive treatment, sitting on a very uncomfortable chair with my stomach bursting and feeling my heart beating strong and fast.
When the doctor finally saw me, he asked to the nurse to get me a Diazepam injection. I took it and finally slept a little, waking up some hours later more relaxed, although not so much, but it was bearable.

At home, I called my mom, she obviously said it was nothing and I was overreacting, asked if I was still seeing the psychologist and then hurried to hang up because she had things to do.

Now, I'm back, really scared of what happened. At that day I really though I wasn't going to make it through and started to get rid of everything that I had left, so I have as few things as possible for when to ctb. I took meto 10mg once and it was already scheduling the time for the next pill, but I couldn't fast because I was feeling very weak, but I was definitely really to leave. SN were there, I just had to take the medications and fast (which it was difficult).

Today I'm a bit better, but not so much. It is the second painful memory that is on my mind now. I really don't want to feel like that again, I don't want that feeling to anybody. I wonder if this is what is like to have PSTD, I don't think I have it, but the thought of that day and the days I began to feel breathlessness scares me so much that I really prefer to shoot myself in the heart than to feel it again. I'm even a bit uncomfortable at writing this because I don't even want to remember what happened.

I don't usually post things. Is this what is like to have PTSD? I'm already troubled enough in my mind to deal with those things ... I really don't know how long I can take.

 

[Snake of Eden]

I went through something similar and i dont know what that was but i felt restless and unable to sit still. Nothing i did helped me except sitting on a chair with my head on the table allowed me to feel somewhat better. I dont know what it was but it is the worst thing imaginable. I hope it never happens again but it may

 

[Versailles]

Oh, it is overwhelming when we lose control of ourselves, in my case I frequently have existential crises while I sleep, which ends in anxiety and panic attacks, lately I have not been able to fall asleep for that reason, for some reason all those things they get strong at night.
Hugs!

 

[IWantToSleep]

This is happening to me right now, I'm forcing myself to eat yoghurt because I feel like I'll throw up if I something solid.

 

[motel rooms]

Is this what is like to have PTSD? I'm already troubled enough in my mind to deal with those things ... I really don't know how long I can take.

If this crisis wasn't brought on by the re-experiencing of (a) traumatic event(s) through thoughts, dreams or flashbacks, you don't have PTSD. At least they gave you a benzo injection instead of telling you to take deep breaths & picture your happy place...

 

[domedune]

DSM-5 criteria for PTSD

I'm sorry you went through this. It sounds scary.

 

[Midgardsorm]

If this crisis wasn't brought on by the re-experiencing of (a) traumatic event(s) through thoughts, dreams or flashbacks, you don't have PTSD. At least they gave you a benzo injection instead of telling you to take deep breaths & picture your happy place...

Yeah ..The problem is that now i'm scared to even remember those moments. I seems it will happens again at anytime.

Since there were no psychologist at the hospital, they had to give me the benzo injection. I bet I got lucky that time.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you have been through this, it sounds awful. Our bodies really can torture us and it can be scary when we have no control over it. I wish you well.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Thanks for all the support. It's really tough.

I always thought I could endure pain, though of myself as a "Warrior" of some kind. I'm just a troubled mind.

Actually, I really didn't wish to die. I just feel like I have to. Someday I won't be able to hold on anymore. And dying is hard, apparently, I won't even dream of ordering N, it would be like 3000 for me, no way I can afford that.

This is the only thing that comes to my mind:



That's me to life

I joke around, but it's really sad and I'm desperately trying to cope with the recent events

 

[motel rooms]

Yeah ..The problem is that now i'm scared to even remember those moments. I seems it will happens again at anytime.

Since there were no psychologist at the hospital, they had to give me the benzo injection. I bet I got lucky that time.

People still get prescribed benzos for panic attacks where I live. They aren't addictive if you only take them when you get an attack, so it's a crime to deny access to benzos to people like you. Who the hell do they still manufacture them for in such large quantities if they are so dangerous?!

 

[Snake of Eden]

Do you think you are getting panic attacks because you are realising how bad reality is for you and you are cornered into ctb as only way out? I think it is true in my case

 

[Midgardsorm]

People still get prescribed benzos for panic attacks where I live. They aren't addictive if you only take them when you get an attack, so it's a crime to deny access to benzos to people like you. Who the hell do they still manufacture them for in such large quantities if they are so dangerous?!

It's the freaking media bs. A few years ago a study were released showing the absurdly increase on benzo prescription to patients (Of course, welcome to the competitive business world).
Somehow, doctors all over the world got a little scared of the title that contained something like "World of the Addict" and became immensely reluctant on prescribing any kind of benzo to patients.

Their claim, which were also in the study, was that patients locked in psychiatric hospitals did not need as much benzos and people outside and since they were in hospital, seemly in even worst condition than people outside, that would mean that benzos were something like killing an Ant with a Bazooka.
That is what I understood, at least.

From my point of view, even though I'm no doctor, that study is completely controversial.
To me, it's the same thing that you see a rat on Canada that is not wearing a jacket and stop selling jackets on Mexico, because, if the rat in Canada, a country with a cold climate didn't need, why would the rat on Mexico need it?

Yes, benzos cause addiction. Yes, they have some side effects that can be worsened by things like alcohol. But all those side effects are temporary.
Here at this forum have thousands of threads of people trying to ctb with benzos, which we know that won't work. And the addiction are easily countered by stopping the medication. It's not like you're stopping taking meth, it's benzo, there are ways to counter addiction, it's not like you will turn into an armed junkie.

Sometimes, the media, spread things completely useless from doctors that seemly just want attention to their studies so they can get a bit of fame.

We are the ones left to suffer, of course.

Do you think you are getting panic attacks because you are realising how bad reality is for you and you are cornered into ctb as only way out? I think it is true in my case

That panic attack yes. It was the second time.

The first were in march, when I started having to breath. I spent almost 3 days without sleep, I couldn't lie down or sit down because my breathing would simply stop.

Then I got a little better, I have no idea what caused that, already saw every kind of doctor possible but no one could tell me what is happening. My blood oxygen at least for now is 96%, which is good.
Doctors blamed my anxiety, I didn't argue about it, they could be right. So I started treating it: SSRI, Physical activities, meditation and everything. Yet, the breathlessness simply won't go away, I just learned how to manage.

However that day I had a glimpse of the breathlessness that took over me some months ago. I started get really anxious and no matter how hard I tried to calm down, it simply wouldn't work.

Now I'm not only scared of those days some months ago, but scared of what I experienced on Tuesday. Sometimes I force myself to lie down a bit just to know if I can concentrate on something, read and calm down or if I'm starting to get some anxiety crisis again ...

I really hope I don't have to experience that again.

How I wish I had a gun. Gunshot to the heart would be my method of choice.