Venting Maybe my parents are the problem? Feeling uncertain about CTB...

[3/4Dead]

I went out today, and usually going outside is an intense, high anxiety experience, but today it was pretty relaxed. I had a good time. Until I got back to my house (I live with my parents) and on my way back got this shocking volt of anxiety, and embarassment that has just not calmed down. For the most part I feel this way often, but it's so overwhelming right now I don't know what to do with myself.

I'm starting to realize that often I lose the desire to die when I spend less time with my parents. I feel so bad to say that. I know that my parents do not deliberately cause any harm, and for the most part are trying their best but good fucking god, I don't even know if I still want to kill myself if I'm not around them.

I'll be with them for the rest of my life, as they're paying for me to go to school, and my mother is terminally ill, at the least until I'm in my 40s. I do not think I could handle that. They're not the only reason I'm planning on CTB, but I feel so confused now? I don't know what to do. I have plenty of time to decide by I'm so stressed out.

My stomach hurts, I'm dizzy, I don't want to be here, but I know that the longer I stay away the worse and worse my anxiety gets. I snapped right back into feeling miserable when I knew I was on my way back to my house.

 

[inevitableandplannd]

Same. The negative influence from the male parent has been a pervasive issue since I was old enough to understand what he was saying/doing. But since I can't afford to move out, it doesn't make any difference whether it's them or me, because I can never escape it until I CTB.

 

[drei003]

Oh I can totally relate to you, and the worst part is that I know that my parents are trying their best too! That makes me feel even more guilty. I know they love me and that they care about the way I feel (even tho they don't do anything to try and empathyze with me).
This situation just causes that the distance between us gets bigger. Sometimes I can't help but see them as strangers and it's tiring to pretend that I'm happy and comfortable around them.
I spend a LOT of time at home so I'm always feeling irritated and frustrated while I'm in my room. I just hope finally getting into college can change things a little bit.

 

[RW__Asher23]

If you are uncertain about ctb you are NOT ready and concentrate on the college plans instead. Give it some time. CTB and those thoughts may still be with you but it could fade away with the business of college life and preparations. Wait see. If the CTB becomes less uncertain at least you gave yourself time to try something else. Wish you all the best in life or ctb. Peace.