Venting Maybe I'm not trying hard enough

[Sadbrains]

I keep telling myself end of year at least before committing to CTB but I am losing strength. I have been unemployed for a year. I should be grateful I have a place to live, and internet, but I guess I'm not. My entire family abandoned me besides my dad and I think he is even done with me. He barely speaks to me, and if I did something to myself in this mouse infested basement I've been forced to live life in, My body would not be found for weeks. I'm tired of going sometimes weeks with no food besides the times I get lucky and someone gives me something or I scrounge up enough change. Everyone I end up opening up to tells me just get a job, and tell me I am making excuses when I say it's nearly impossible. I've walked in, talked to managers and applied to every store hiring multiple times in my area. No one is going to help me with public transportation and I can't drive. My dad says he'll take me to work, but then tells me I need to get there on my own when the time comes. I will never have the money for a car, to fix my health problems, get gender affirming care (Which he is highly transphobic so that's fun) or to do anything really. I barely have the energy to move because I'm starving and dehydrated except when I can stomach the terrible tap water that you can't see through. "Just get a filter". Once again, with WHAT MONEY? "Just get a job." I'VE EXPLAINED MY SITUATION.

I've also been being deadnamed and misgendered by everyone lately, even those who stopped, because they see others doing it, so I refuse to leave my house which was a distraction for the hunger and how I got lucky enough to sometimes eat when people can see I'm physically sick.

I'm tired of everyone saying I'm making excuses to not get better, but hell, maybe they are right. But I'm sick of everyone constantly telling me I'm not trying hard enough when I've been trying my hardest WHILE OFFERING HELP TO OTHERS REGARDLESS OF HOW SICK I AM. Why is the world treating me like this. I do not get it. I feel I've done way more good than bad in my life, so why do I suffer. And even after feeling like this, tomorrow will come and I will act like I'm completely fine, just not to worry others while I rot. I am so close to giving up early. I don't want it to be this way, I really don't.

 

[CandyK__]

Life is tough, especially if you don't fit the "normal" person criteria. This is White cis/het men society. Someday somethings may change, but this will only happen if people like you keep on living and trying to be the change we want to see. You're the precursor, just by being around you're making life easier for those to come.

You were born this way, and sometimes you have to go through horrible things to just be ok. World isn't fair, that's why you should fight for your right to be. I believe in you, sending much love. I hope things will turn out good for you. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

That just sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it certainly is such a hellish world that we exist in where people have to suffer all through no fault of their own, and to me it's so incredibly awful how people can be so cruel and insensitive. But anyway there could never be anything fair about existing here and that is just the unfortunate reality, I'm sorry that you are trapped in that situation.

 

[Sadbrains]

Life is tough, especially if you don't fit the "normal" person criteria. This is White cis/het men society. Someday somethings may change, but this will only happen if people like you keep on living and trying to be the change we want to see. You're the precursor, just by being around you're making life easier for those to come.

You were born this way, and sometimes you have to go through horrible things to just be ok. World isn't fair, that's why you should fight for your right to be. I believe in you, sending much love. I hope things will turn out good for you. <3

Thanks ton. I continue to try but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep it up for much longer. All I can do is hope as much as try to be honest. I know the world isn't a fair place but I just want to be shown a glimpse of light.

That just sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it certainly is such a hellish world that we exist in where people have to suffer all through no fault of their own, and to me it's so incredibly awful how people can be so cruel and insensitive. But anyway there could never be anything fair about existing here and that is just the unfortunate reality, I'm sorry that you are trapped in that situation.

I don't expect to have a great life if I ever find a way to recover, knowing that existence is suffering for most that weren't blessed by luck, and even then sometimes they still suffer, however I just wish I could not be at the bottom of the unbalanced scale that only tilts to one side.

The worst part about suffering is people refuse to admit that sometimes, there's no way out of it and push their own false beliefs on others. I'm not sure what goes through people's heads. I feel much better confiding to realistic people as yourself, where I don't feel even more casted away for not being able to deal with constant struggle.

 

[SexyIncél]

Everyone I end up opening up to tells me just get a job, and tell me I am making excuses when I say it's nearly impossible.

They repeat an evil obvious myth. A moment's reflection shows that not everyone can get a job, because unemployment is part of the social structure. Your idle hands could definitely help many others, but such societies are probably unique in history for having "unemployment". Outside of wars/plagues

I know people who try fixing things, so people wouldn't have to suffer as you do. Some refuse to quit. Others regret not quitting before, because they too find themselves alone with no meaningful help. Surrounded by people on autopilot

 

[Sadbrains]

They repeat an evil obvious myth. A moment's reflection shows that not everyone can get a job, because unemployment is part of the social structure. Your idle hands could definitely help many others, but such societies are probably unique in history for having "unemployment". Outside of wars/plagues

I know people who try fixing things, so people wouldn't have to suffer as you do. Some refuse to quit. Others regret not quitting before, because they too find themselves alone with no meaningful help. Surrounded by people on autopilot

This is the sad truth. I feel like I'm speaking to NPC's on a quest to a game that never ends. Everyone gives the same shitty responses they were programmed to give, without any reflection, thought, or reasoning. When I confide to someone IRL, I am not looking to be blamed for my situation and not even help, but sometimes just want someone to listen so I don't feel so alone. But basically putting the blame on me for something out of my control just makes it worse.

I do regret not quitting already, but I can only hope that when/if my time comes, and I CTB, I tried hard enough for people to notice this after I'm gone, and a little change or light can be put onto the situation. There needs to be more help for the unemployed, especially ones who have never committed a crime, have diagnosed mental health issues, and aren't drug addicts (although a drug addict should be offered the same help in both ways but they are treated unhuman and as if it's all their fault too).

Sorry for the long reply. I really appreciate unprogrammed words from you guys unlike the ones people around me IRL seem to give and I always try to give my thoughts back to everyone.

 

[Applenova204]

I've had temporary retail jobs (6 -8 weeks only) for 2 fashion companies. But they don't make me permanent and as a result, I've continued being unemployed. What I like about retail is that it is a simple job and its something I can do for now. But I don't think it's something I can do forever because retail as a whole, is minimising. I just wish society didn't make it be that people who study more get the best result. This makes me seem immature.

I'm really upset about the time and effort I have given to many job applications and interviews- retail, admin, receptionist. I want a job that is easy and not complicated (retail from my experience is okay). However I once wanted to do admin (but in my experience it's not so easy). I hate all these job sites too that post all these adverts, and then I get turned down with no explanation. I put a lot of time and effort into the interviews: revising, memorising, transport, wearing smart clothes.In general, I always make mistakes at work, even minimal ones that I am told I need to correct (retail and admin past experiences). And this makes me lose interest because I don't know what career to do. I don't want to make mistakes at work and then get in trouble. That is why I liked clothes retail because it was simple and okay and familiar. However I disliked how the shop was dusty, bright lights, loud music, walkie talkie, rude managers. The downside to admin was the rude manager, and the difficult software which I wasn't trained properly on

I'm really annoyed at the places that ignored my job applications and interviews. They're so horrible. It's like they don't care about the effort I put in. It's not that hard to work in retail, it is a rubbish job but it is simple to do. And it's quick money too, as most workers are "low skilled", doing repetitive tasks. All they had to do was say "yes we'd hire you", then I could get back on my feet. Then I can plan ahead positively and save money. I would do a lot of extra hours in my first part time retail job, but then they won't make my contract full time or permanent. I hate them so much. This is why I'm struggling now, because they didn't give me enough hours and permanent. It was a bit of a boring job, but it was okay and I liked it a little.My problems have been caused by these stupid job sites, recruiters, interviewers not accepting me. I've put in so much time and effort, and they decline me a job offer. I hate them all so much. Stupid employers don't know what good talent is.

I hate the woman who interviewed me for a Sales Advisor job, because she was pretending to be nice in the interview, and then declined me a job offer. That woman is EVIL. I am perfectly capable of doing this job and these people are fools who declined me. I am not doing this rubbish any more because it Is taking too long. I have tried my best and given my time. Now I've had enough of interviews, cv writing, cover letters and Job applications I am done!

 

[Sadbrains]

I've had temporary retail jobs (6 -8 weeks only) for 2 fashion companies. But they don't make me permanent and as a result, I've continued being unemployed. What I like about retail is that it is a simple job and its something I can do for now. But I don't think it's something I can do forever because retail as a whole, is minimising. I just wish society didn't make it be that people who study more get the best result. This makes me seem immature.

I'm really upset about the time and effort I have given to many job applications and interviews- retail, admin, receptionist. I want a job that is easy and not complicated (retail from my experience is okay). However I once wanted to do admin (but in my experience it's not so easy). I hate all these job sites too that post all these adverts, and then I get turned down with no explanation. I put a lot of time and effort into the interviews: revising, memorising, transport, wearing smart clothes.In general, I always make mistakes at work, even minimal ones that I am told I need to correct (retail and admin past experiences). And this makes me lose interest because I don't know what career to do. I don't want to make mistakes at work and then get in trouble. That is why I liked clothes retail because it was simple and okay and familiar. However I disliked how the shop was dusty, bright lights, loud music, walkie talkie, rude managers. The downside to admin was the rude manager, and the difficult software which I wasn't trained properly on

I'm really annoyed at the places that ignored my job applications and interviews. They're so horrible. It's like they don't care about the effort I put in. It's not that hard to work in retail, it is a rubbish job but it is simple to do. And it's quick money too, as most workers are "low skilled", doing repetitive tasks. All they had to do was say "yes we'd hire you", then I could get back on my feet. Then I can plan ahead positively and save money. I would do a lot of extra hours in my first part time retail job, but then they won't make my contract full time or permanent. I hate them so much. This is why I'm struggling now, because they didn't give me enough hours and permanent. It was a bit of a boring job, but it was okay and I liked it a little.My problems have been caused by these stupid job sites, recruiters, interviewers not accepting me. I've put in so much time and effort, and they decline me a job offer. I hate them all so much. Stupid employers don't know what good talent is.

I hate the woman who interviewed me for a Sales Advisor job, because she was pretending to be nice in the interview, and then declined me a job offer. That woman is EVIL. I am perfectly capable of doing this job and these people are fools who declined me. I am not doing this rubbish any more because it Is taking too long. I have tried my best and given my time. Now I've had enough of interviews, cv writing, cover letters and Job applications I am done!

It's a common misconception that more education means you get a job. My degree in cyber security has been worthless, because I do not have experience. I hate to sound like the boomers who say internet is ruining us, but it kind of is. I'm sure the reason our applications go unnoticed is because almost every job can be applied to online now. So unlike 10 years ago when you'd walk in for an application, even the places that do allow them still, will have you competing with hundreds if not thousands of people who want your same position.

I get where you are coming from, as after making this post, I have given up. We try so hard yet we have to let luck and the minds of other people decide our fates. Also, there is no job in the world you will not make mistakes in. However, retail, also from my experience, is made to break you and turn you into a slave. I worked retail some years ago before covid forced me to quit. I was told by managers I was one of the best employees, and had 2 employee of the months. However, the higher up store manager, the big boss we would call him, would only give negative things about me working even after giving me a passing perfect score on my review (we had these every 3 months). I've only worked retail and warehouses work in my life, and both of these were always degrading. I am not capable of working these jobs anymore. My mental health is gone.

I wish this world offered more for you and I, more ways to earn money and be happy. It's not worth going to work a job you hate everyday to suffer. I suffer just as much with a job, if not more, than without. I wish you luck in your future employment, and if nothing works, I wish you luck surviving without it, as I am trying to do.