Venting Maybe I'm not trying hard enough

[Sadbrains]

I keep telling myself end of year at least before committing to CTB but I am losing strength. I have been unemployed for a year. I should be grateful I have a place to live, and internet, but I guess I'm not. My entire family abandoned me besides my dad and I think he is even done with me. He barely speaks to me, and if I did something to myself in this mouse infested basement I've been forced to live life in, My body would not be found for weeks. I'm tired of going sometimes weeks with no food besides the times I get lucky and someone gives me something or I scrounge up enough change. Everyone I end up opening up to tells me just get a job, and tell me I am making excuses when I say it's nearly impossible. I've walked in, talked to managers and applied to every store hiring multiple times in my area. No one is going to help me with public transportation and I can't drive. My dad says he'll take me to work, but then tells me I need to get there on my own when the time comes. I will never have the money for a car, to fix my health problems, get gender affirming care (Which he is highly transphobic so that's fun) or to do anything really. I barely have the energy to move because I'm starving and dehydrated except when I can stomach the terrible tap water that you can't see through. "Just get a filter". Once again, with WHAT MONEY? "Just get a job." I'VE EXPLAINED MY SITUATION.

I've also been being deadnamed and misgendered by everyone lately, even those who stopped, because they see others doing it, so I refuse to leave my house which was a distraction for the hunger and how I got lucky enough to sometimes eat when people can see I'm physically sick.

I'm tired of everyone saying I'm making excuses to not get better, but hell, maybe they are right. But I'm sick of everyone constantly telling me I'm not trying hard enough when I've been trying my hardest WHILE OFFERING HELP TO OTHERS REGARDLESS OF HOW SICK I AM. Why is the world treating me like this. I do not get it. I feel I've done way more good than bad in my life, so why do I suffer. And even after feeling like this, tomorrow will come and I will act like I'm completely fine, just not to worry others while I rot. I am so close to giving up early. I don't want it to be this way, I really don't.

 

[CandyK__]

Life is tough, especially if you don't fit the "normal" person criteria. This is White cis/het men society. Someday somethings may change, but this will only happen if people like you keep on living and trying to be the change we want to see. You're the precursor, just by being around you're making life easier for those to come.

You were born this way, and sometimes you have to go through horrible things to just be ok. World isn't fair, that's why you should fight for your right to be. I believe in you, sending much love. I hope things will turn out good for you. <3

 

[FuneralCry]

That just sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it certainly is such a hellish world that we exist in where people have to suffer all through no fault of their own, and to me it’s so incredibly awful how people can be so cruel and insensitive. But anyway there could never be anything fair about existing here and that is just the unfortunate reality, I’m sorry that you are trapped in that situation.

 

[Sadbrains]

Life is tough, especially if you don't fit the "normal" person criteria. This is White cis/het men society. Someday somethings may change, but this will only happen if people like you keep on living and trying to be the change we want to see. You're the precursor, just by being around you're making life easier for those to come.

You were born this way, and sometimes you have to go through horrible things to just be ok. World isn't fair, that's why you should fight for your right to be. I believe in you, sending much love. I hope things will turn out good for you. <3

Thanks ton. I continue to try but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to keep it up for much longer. All I can do is hope as much as try to be honest. I know the world isn't a fair place but I just want to be shown a glimpse of light.

That just sounds really horrible what you have to endure, it certainly is such a hellish world that we exist in where people have to suffer all through no fault of their own, and to me it’s so incredibly awful how people can be so cruel and insensitive. But anyway there could never be anything fair about existing here and that is just the unfortunate reality, I’m sorry that you are trapped in that situation.

I don't expect to have a great life if I ever find a way to recover, knowing that existence is suffering for most that weren't blessed by luck, and even then sometimes they still suffer, however I just wish I could not be at the bottom of the unbalanced scale that only tilts to one side.

The worst part about suffering is people refuse to admit that sometimes, there's no way out of it and push their own false beliefs on others. I'm not sure what goes through people's heads. I feel much better confiding to realistic people as yourself, where I don't feel even more casted away for not being able to deal with constant struggle.

 

[absurdtimeline]

Everyone I end up opening up to tells me just get a job, and tell me I am making excuses when I say it's nearly impossible.

They repeat an evil obvious myth. A moment's reflection shows that not everyone can get a job, because unemployment is part of the social structure. Your idle hands could definitely help many others, but such societies are probably unique in history for having "unemployment". Outside of wars/plagues

I know people who try fixing things, so people wouldn't have to suffer as you do. Some refuse to quit. Others regret not quitting before, because they too find themselves alone with no meaningful help. Surrounded by people on autopilot

 

[Sadbrains]

They repeat an evil obvious myth. A moment's reflection shows that not everyone can get a job, because unemployment is part of the social structure. Your idle hands could definitely help many others, but such societies are probably unique in history for having "unemployment". Outside of wars/plagues

I know people who try fixing things, so people wouldn't have to suffer as you do. Some refuse to quit. Others regret not quitting before, because they too find themselves alone with no meaningful help. Surrounded by people on autopilot

This is the sad truth. I feel like I'm speaking to NPC's on a quest to a game that never ends. Everyone gives the same shitty responses they were programmed to give, without any reflection, thought, or reasoning. When I confide to someone IRL, I am not looking to be blamed for my situation and not even help, but sometimes just want someone to listen so I don't feel so alone. But basically putting the blame on me for something out of my control just makes it worse.

I do regret not quitting already, but I can only hope that when/if my time comes, and I CTB, I tried hard enough for people to notice this after I'm gone, and a little change or light can be put onto the situation. There needs to be more help for the unemployed, especially ones who have never committed a crime, have diagnosed mental health issues, and aren't drug addicts (although a drug addict should be offered the same help in both ways but they are treated unhuman and as if it's all their fault too).

Sorry for the long reply. I really appreciate unprogrammed words from you guys unlike the ones people around me IRL seem to give and I always try to give my thoughts back to everyone.