Maybe I still have hope, my thread

[Virsus]

I am 20 years old.
7 months ago I decided to commit suicide, I was going to go to the forest as far away from my place of residence and my family as possible, but before that I quit my job and take a break from my life for two months, and eventually I found the strength to find hope...

After at least a hundred forums on the topic of suicide, I could not find a place where I could write my thoughts and hopes, where I would be understood, where there would be people like me. But at one point I came across this forum, and I realized that this is the very place...

About two weeks ago I began to have some strength to find a way to get out of this state, I was able to tell my relatives what I feel, a long conversation first with my brother, who was able to accept my problems and supported me, which is extremely surprising for me. Then a conversation with my sister, who, as it turned out, also has a huge number of problems in life and mental health, gave me hope. As a result, a conversation with the whole family, who are now trying to understand and support me. I visited a psychiatrist, who insisted on inpatient treatment, but I am not yet sure that this is worth doing, and I thought about returning my medications, maybe I will find hope. And even my father, who has been against hospitals all his life and especially against mental health treatment, supported me as best he could. I have no friends, no girlfriend, but at least my relatives are trying to understand me.

If this does not contradict the rules of the forum, I will write here my successes and thoughts about recovery, I think - I really need it ...

Today, at the last moment before closing the pharmacy, I was able to get out of bed and order 5 packs of antidepressants, and now I will gradually increase the dose to the maximum until I feel better, along the way I will try to change my lifestyle, and I hope I will be able to find hope.

Now I am sitting in my chair in my apartment fully dressed. I finally found the strength to go for a walk, smoked 6 cigarettes and will soon go outside. I think I'll walk for an hour or two, get at least some pleasure.

Then I plan to return home and hold out until the night without going to bed, to establish my routine and go to bed on time, I hope my recovery will begin here...

 

[Hollowman]

Good luck with your recovery.

 

[Young.Werther]

It's a pro-choice forum, nothing wrong with choosing life. Good luck! (And how was the walk?)

 

[Virsus]

Even if I don't take into account that I haven't walked for over 10 months, this walk still didn't do anything special. I could barely force myself to leave the house, and I wanted to go back all the time. I didn't feel anything special, everything was as always - neutral. I don't remember if it was ever different, maybe it was always like this. But in any case, I at least remembered what this night sky looks like.

I barely made it to 10 pm to go to bed on time, and ended up sleeping until 4 pm the next day, with a headache, like after a hangover. But at least I held on with all my might and managed.

In 8 days, antidepressants will come, maybe they will give me the strength to move on and start doing something, and not lie and sit all day, mindlessly scrolling through the news feed and videos that I forget after 10 minutes.

Today I plan to go to bed no later than 2am and get up no later than 1pm, I will gradually restore my daily routine. I am also thinking about going to an electronics store and thinking about buying a washing machine, although I really don't want to...

 

[Virsus]

No goal was achieved, I hope I can cope next time. I tried to sleep for more than 4 hours, and finally looked at the clock and saw 6 o'clock and thought that I didn't want to continue trying. I was forced to go to my parents to help all day, and in the end I didn't get the washing machine, and all day I suffered from lack of sleep and a wild unwillingness to do anything, the next day I had to get up early to go help again, and so my whole life, I don't see any sense in what they do and why they even try to do anything in this life... I hope sooner or later everything will work out better.

My parents suggested going to church, and although I don't believe in God, maybe it can help me, I need to use any options. The day after tomorrow they will help me get there.

In two hours I plan to go to bed, and I hope that this time I won't lie in endless thoughts and anxiety until the morning, the regime needs to be restored.

After all my years, I'm starting to think that my condition may not be a curse, but a kind of "blessing", maybe the lack of emotions will allow me not to be distracted by emotional problems and start doing things to simply provide myself with a relatively easy life in the future, maybe if I can discipline myself, then I will start achieving something in life, but do I need it at all?

Tomorrow I will still try to get to the electronics store and maybe take another walk in the evening. I am sure that nothing happens on the first try, maybe I will gradually be able to clean up the apartment...

 

[Virsus]

People say "What's in a person's house is in their head", in my head there is trash and dirt, a cat running around in panic, and the constant smell of cigarette smoke. Most of all in this situation I feel sorry for my cat, she didn't deserve this, I took her into my family, and in the end I make her breathe cigarette smoke, it's so unpleasant for me to realize this, but maybe sooner or later I will be able to remove the dirt from my head...