feder
I'm more scarred more scarred than my wrist is.
- Apr 13, 2023
- 162
Sorry for the werid title but that's what's on my mind right now.
I don't like talking shit about my parents cuz they are definitely not the worst. But they never ever took me seriously or talked to me as a person. It was always as if I was their dog. Especially my father.
As If I was employed and he was the boss. Should a boss care about the emotional needs of their employees? Yes, but not too much. Should a parent care about the emotional needs of their child? YES. But that was never the case, as if I was some shitty dog living at their expence without a care in the world. It was always go do that go do this screaming and occasional beatings when I was younger. I wasn't the most agreeable child but now I think it's because I wanted to feel like an individual, like an actual human being instead of a piece of shit that never does anything right. A burden that only worsens their life. It would be understandable( to some degree) If I was an accident,BUT I WAS PLANNED WHY WOULD YOU PLAN ME AND THEN ACT THIS WAY TOWARS ME I DID NOT ASK TO BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD.
That's why I get attached to people so easily, I want to feel loved by someone at least, since I never received that feeling as a child.
They never tryed to understand me or my feelings, never cared about my mental state. When I was 10 I told them I wanted to kill myself they said those "tricks" won't work on them. Communication was(and still is) impossible an actual attemt at it always devolved into an argument where we are all just shouting at each other. Right now I don't shout anymore only they do.
Not one positive word has come towards me from them, ever.
I always felt like the worst person in the world.
I ve had these thoughts a million times: " What If I commit something so horrlible theat they start begging me to return to how I was before?"
So that they understand that maybe I wasn't the shittiest human being ever.
"Maybe if I kill myself they will actually rethink their behavior and understand what was wrong? " But it will be too late then. Found a source for SN on the web but I'm scared to buy it because I don't understand if suicide is the right option for me in fact I do t understand what the right option is at all.
Im outside, sitting alone and contemplating what went wrong and what I am actually doing here.
Thank you for reading this post, I'm just so tired, and wanted to relaease the emotions somewhere.
I don't like talking shit about my parents cuz they are definitely not the worst. But they never ever took me seriously or talked to me as a person. It was always as if I was their dog. Especially my father.
As If I was employed and he was the boss. Should a boss care about the emotional needs of their employees? Yes, but not too much. Should a parent care about the emotional needs of their child? YES. But that was never the case, as if I was some shitty dog living at their expence without a care in the world. It was always go do that go do this screaming and occasional beatings when I was younger. I wasn't the most agreeable child but now I think it's because I wanted to feel like an individual, like an actual human being instead of a piece of shit that never does anything right. A burden that only worsens their life. It would be understandable( to some degree) If I was an accident,BUT I WAS PLANNED WHY WOULD YOU PLAN ME AND THEN ACT THIS WAY TOWARS ME I DID NOT ASK TO BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD.
That's why I get attached to people so easily, I want to feel loved by someone at least, since I never received that feeling as a child.
They never tryed to understand me or my feelings, never cared about my mental state. When I was 10 I told them I wanted to kill myself they said those "tricks" won't work on them. Communication was(and still is) impossible an actual attemt at it always devolved into an argument where we are all just shouting at each other. Right now I don't shout anymore only they do.
Not one positive word has come towards me from them, ever.
I always felt like the worst person in the world.
I ve had these thoughts a million times: " What If I commit something so horrlible theat they start begging me to return to how I was before?"
So that they understand that maybe I wasn't the shittiest human being ever.
"Maybe if I kill myself they will actually rethink their behavior and understand what was wrong? " But it will be too late then. Found a source for SN on the web but I'm scared to buy it because I don't understand if suicide is the right option for me in fact I do t understand what the right option is at all.
Im outside, sitting alone and contemplating what went wrong and what I am actually doing here.
Thank you for reading this post, I'm just so tired, and wanted to relaease the emotions somewhere.
