15032021
Member
- Aug 25, 2023
- 11
I messed up and just about killed one of my closest friends a couple years back because I got cocky behind the wheel, life wasn't great before then but it certainly wasn't as bad. While I was in hospital recovering from that accident the doctor said that I have to go live with one of my parents which I wasn't too eager for since I just don't have many good memories of them. I agreed regardless since I just wanted to get out of the hospital after the second month passed and I told him loud and clear that I was just going to pack my bags and leave them, to which he said was fine. The night I was getting released however was when they said it'll put a warrant on me.
They first sent me to my mother where I stayed for a couple days. I tried to get over it but I just keep remembering all the times my mother and father fought each other and when my brother decided to join in when he was about sixteen, I still remember all the yelling, screaming and crying from both parents and that stuff started around when I was five years old.
My mother lived a couple hundred kilometers south of where I use to live and so I packed up and took a train back up, after speaking with a lawyer assigned to my case they agreed to let me stay at my father's instead as he lived in that town. I stayed with him for about a week or two before I bought another rust bucket in hopes to live in there instead. One night I decided to drive far away on dirt roads out of town and I just didn't care at all really. I sped around and when I was over twenty kilometers out of town in some farm land area, I went full speed down the dirt road. I couldn't see far and so after a little while I lost control over a small bump and ended up flying sideways into a tree at about 100kmph. I was so damn close, the back of the seat literally slammed into the tree, if only I had gotten half a meter further I would've called it a life. But I guess God is just teasing me.
After a little while I saw lights in the distance, turns out its the cops, they took me back to my father's place and when they left I just started walking away.
I went to an old abandoned warehouse of sorts and set up a tent there, I've met the owner of that place before and he allowed me to use the water and toilet. I remembered attempting to hang myself, I got really close again. I had a little box that I stood on with the rope around my neck and tested the waters so to speak, it got to the point where I couldn't feel anything, couldn't see anything and all of a sudden I got out of the rope.
The cops then called me a day or two later and said they just want to do a safety check to make sure I'm ok. Turns out they just had me in a questioning room for three hours only to get dropped off at the hospital where I waited four hours just to speak with some psychologist for ten minutes, I told them nothing. After that was over I just went back to my tent.
A day later I got told that I will be able to stay with my boss instead, apparently she offered. I was happy about it but after a couple months staying there I wasn't doing that well at work anymore and I began losing interest in school too. It's probably the best conditions I've lived in and yet I can't carry my own weight. Every time I'm with my other friends I would just act the same way I did before the crash but it just didn't feel right. I don't know them anymore even though I would act the same.
After a sudden visit from the cops, they brought me in for some questioning. The feeling of guilt just got to a point where I made my mind, I want this show to end. My boss told me to have the day off, she then went to work. I packed my bag and tried to clean up everything I had in her house the best I could, wrote a few apology letters and when the night came around I snuck out and began walking as far away as I could. I didn't want them to have to deal with a dead body so I wanted to find a little spot out in the fields and rest easy. I walked for hours and then got a call from the cops, I'm not sure why but I answered the phone. When I was speaking with a sergeant I started noticing there's distant sirens going off and so I hung up. I found a little farm barn and rested there for a couple hours, I then got another call and they told me they're sending out helicopters to get me. I saw a few police cars searching the area so I left for a field of some flower bushes, they almost got me as I made my way across the field but they were too far away. And so I sat there with my head feeling ill from the lack of food under the cover of flowers. I got a message from my close friend that I just about killed and he said it'll be fine and I just need to come back, I got another message from a social worker who offered a talk without the police or being locked up and so I fell for it and sent my location. I laid hidden away just a meter away from the road when I saw police cars pass by, I then heard that social worker talking with the cops. They didn't see me there and drove off but when I tried making it to another field they got me. They got me into the local hospital where I don't remember much as I just kept falling asleep, they then got me transported all the way down the the city to get locked in a psych ward. That would be my first taste of what it's like.
I just refused to leave the room they chucked me into and could do nothing but lay there in bed and wait, they didn't tell me how long I will be there for, they just said it's up to the doctor. I wasn't as bad as the next ward though as it was at least somewhat clean. They sent me to a different ward after about a week, that one was something. The walls covered with names of those who were in there before me with little messages all over the place, one thing they had in common was that they did not like that place. Psych wards give you nothing to do but sit there and wait, every day and every night you'd hear someone scream whether it's a patient losing their minds or the staff losing their shits. Each day would drag on so painfully slow, you just end up looping old memories over and over again. The only offer they had has anti depressants but I didn't want their pills, I would've just turned into a crackhead if I wanted to go with drugs. Either way, if I was to take anti depressants would I still be me? Wouldn't it be the drug that's making decisions? I didn't want to fuck around and find that one out.
After another torturous week they said that I can go back now, so my boss drove all the way down to get me. She looked happy and all, she said that it's good that I'm still alive but I just couldn't feel anything, of course I tried my best to be kind back but I just don't feel like anything. When I arrived back she made me make a promise to not try to hurt myself ever again, I accepted.
After a couple months went by and I basically stopped going to school and didn't speak to any of the friends I had left, with me being more useless at work with each day I decided to start over somewhere else. I moved to a different state with basically nothing in another old rust bucket until I reached a city and the car had a breakdown, I then bought a tiny dingey and tried to make that a home. I got a call from my friends that ended said friendships. After getting swept off shore by the tide, I spent a few days out off the coast until it pushed me back in where I then got beached. I got the cops called on me and I got taken to the hospital for a check up. I tried my best to act as if it was just a mishap and nothing is wrong with my life and they, thankfully, fell for it. They got me to stay at a homeless shelter where I spent four months doing nothing. They told me to take on a trade to which I did.
When I was studying the trade I got taken by the cops again, this time because of a warrant placed on me for not attending court. I got locked in a cell for a day and felt tired of life's game. When I got home I tried the slit your wrist method and got blood all over the place, but it stopped bleeding so I tried to poison myself with lighter fluid. My head was just spinning the entire time and I don't know why but I ended up calling the poison hotline and asked them when I was suppose to die, they ended up getting the cops to come around and got me locked in a psych ward for the third time. Another week of bad memories. I had to go out and sit at their designated area for food so I got to see who else is around. One was an old man who I've only ever seen sitting by the TV, not speaking a word. Another was a lady who was apparently there for past drug abuse, she had a moment when she went on and yelled about how it's her sixth month locked in the ward even though she took all their drugs and did what they said. She just broke, it wouldn't surprise me if she's still locked in there.
They made me speak to a psychologist where I told them only the lighter situations, they said I've got PTSD and depression but I've heard all kinds of things from them. One day I wake up to two nurses telling me to take pills, I said no, they threatened to call security to force me to take it but I just kept on refusing, they then left. Later that day I got told that I would be set free, I can only wonder how things would have went if I was stuck there for longer. Would they have security force me to take those pills? Probably.
And I don't know if I want to be in contact with my old boss again considering I broke the promise. I already owe so much and so I don't want more problems to bother them with. I guess I've made quite a reputation for myself to those who had known before the crash.
Even though now with my new job and home and all that somewhat sorted I just feel tired. Every night would end with me thinking back and going all miserable again, and every now and then I'd wake up exhausted with a off and on pain in the chest. I just feel so tired of life I want to finally rest. When I was younger I would have games distract me from my worries but now it's so hard to enjoy them like I use to. I would occasionally feel happy but it would never last long, and I'm not even sure if I feel sad or anything, I just feel off.
Now I don't know if I should try hanging myself again, maybe give driving full speed into a solid wall or maybe even to go as far as getting my paperwork sorted and go on holiday in Ukraine and fuck around with fireworks until I die. I'm just scared of failing again and get thrown back in a psych ward, who knows how long it'll be this time.
Who knows, maybe I died on the first attempt and this is just what hell is like.
They first sent me to my mother where I stayed for a couple days. I tried to get over it but I just keep remembering all the times my mother and father fought each other and when my brother decided to join in when he was about sixteen, I still remember all the yelling, screaming and crying from both parents and that stuff started around when I was five years old.
My mother lived a couple hundred kilometers south of where I use to live and so I packed up and took a train back up, after speaking with a lawyer assigned to my case they agreed to let me stay at my father's instead as he lived in that town. I stayed with him for about a week or two before I bought another rust bucket in hopes to live in there instead. One night I decided to drive far away on dirt roads out of town and I just didn't care at all really. I sped around and when I was over twenty kilometers out of town in some farm land area, I went full speed down the dirt road. I couldn't see far and so after a little while I lost control over a small bump and ended up flying sideways into a tree at about 100kmph. I was so damn close, the back of the seat literally slammed into the tree, if only I had gotten half a meter further I would've called it a life. But I guess God is just teasing me.
After a little while I saw lights in the distance, turns out its the cops, they took me back to my father's place and when they left I just started walking away.
I went to an old abandoned warehouse of sorts and set up a tent there, I've met the owner of that place before and he allowed me to use the water and toilet. I remembered attempting to hang myself, I got really close again. I had a little box that I stood on with the rope around my neck and tested the waters so to speak, it got to the point where I couldn't feel anything, couldn't see anything and all of a sudden I got out of the rope.
The cops then called me a day or two later and said they just want to do a safety check to make sure I'm ok. Turns out they just had me in a questioning room for three hours only to get dropped off at the hospital where I waited four hours just to speak with some psychologist for ten minutes, I told them nothing. After that was over I just went back to my tent.
A day later I got told that I will be able to stay with my boss instead, apparently she offered. I was happy about it but after a couple months staying there I wasn't doing that well at work anymore and I began losing interest in school too. It's probably the best conditions I've lived in and yet I can't carry my own weight. Every time I'm with my other friends I would just act the same way I did before the crash but it just didn't feel right. I don't know them anymore even though I would act the same.
After a sudden visit from the cops, they brought me in for some questioning. The feeling of guilt just got to a point where I made my mind, I want this show to end. My boss told me to have the day off, she then went to work. I packed my bag and tried to clean up everything I had in her house the best I could, wrote a few apology letters and when the night came around I snuck out and began walking as far away as I could. I didn't want them to have to deal with a dead body so I wanted to find a little spot out in the fields and rest easy. I walked for hours and then got a call from the cops, I'm not sure why but I answered the phone. When I was speaking with a sergeant I started noticing there's distant sirens going off and so I hung up. I found a little farm barn and rested there for a couple hours, I then got another call and they told me they're sending out helicopters to get me. I saw a few police cars searching the area so I left for a field of some flower bushes, they almost got me as I made my way across the field but they were too far away. And so I sat there with my head feeling ill from the lack of food under the cover of flowers. I got a message from my close friend that I just about killed and he said it'll be fine and I just need to come back, I got another message from a social worker who offered a talk without the police or being locked up and so I fell for it and sent my location. I laid hidden away just a meter away from the road when I saw police cars pass by, I then heard that social worker talking with the cops. They didn't see me there and drove off but when I tried making it to another field they got me. They got me into the local hospital where I don't remember much as I just kept falling asleep, they then got me transported all the way down the the city to get locked in a psych ward. That would be my first taste of what it's like.
I just refused to leave the room they chucked me into and could do nothing but lay there in bed and wait, they didn't tell me how long I will be there for, they just said it's up to the doctor. I wasn't as bad as the next ward though as it was at least somewhat clean. They sent me to a different ward after about a week, that one was something. The walls covered with names of those who were in there before me with little messages all over the place, one thing they had in common was that they did not like that place. Psych wards give you nothing to do but sit there and wait, every day and every night you'd hear someone scream whether it's a patient losing their minds or the staff losing their shits. Each day would drag on so painfully slow, you just end up looping old memories over and over again. The only offer they had has anti depressants but I didn't want their pills, I would've just turned into a crackhead if I wanted to go with drugs. Either way, if I was to take anti depressants would I still be me? Wouldn't it be the drug that's making decisions? I didn't want to fuck around and find that one out.
After another torturous week they said that I can go back now, so my boss drove all the way down to get me. She looked happy and all, she said that it's good that I'm still alive but I just couldn't feel anything, of course I tried my best to be kind back but I just don't feel like anything. When I arrived back she made me make a promise to not try to hurt myself ever again, I accepted.
After a couple months went by and I basically stopped going to school and didn't speak to any of the friends I had left, with me being more useless at work with each day I decided to start over somewhere else. I moved to a different state with basically nothing in another old rust bucket until I reached a city and the car had a breakdown, I then bought a tiny dingey and tried to make that a home. I got a call from my friends that ended said friendships. After getting swept off shore by the tide, I spent a few days out off the coast until it pushed me back in where I then got beached. I got the cops called on me and I got taken to the hospital for a check up. I tried my best to act as if it was just a mishap and nothing is wrong with my life and they, thankfully, fell for it. They got me to stay at a homeless shelter where I spent four months doing nothing. They told me to take on a trade to which I did.
When I was studying the trade I got taken by the cops again, this time because of a warrant placed on me for not attending court. I got locked in a cell for a day and felt tired of life's game. When I got home I tried the slit your wrist method and got blood all over the place, but it stopped bleeding so I tried to poison myself with lighter fluid. My head was just spinning the entire time and I don't know why but I ended up calling the poison hotline and asked them when I was suppose to die, they ended up getting the cops to come around and got me locked in a psych ward for the third time. Another week of bad memories. I had to go out and sit at their designated area for food so I got to see who else is around. One was an old man who I've only ever seen sitting by the TV, not speaking a word. Another was a lady who was apparently there for past drug abuse, she had a moment when she went on and yelled about how it's her sixth month locked in the ward even though she took all their drugs and did what they said. She just broke, it wouldn't surprise me if she's still locked in there.
They made me speak to a psychologist where I told them only the lighter situations, they said I've got PTSD and depression but I've heard all kinds of things from them. One day I wake up to two nurses telling me to take pills, I said no, they threatened to call security to force me to take it but I just kept on refusing, they then left. Later that day I got told that I would be set free, I can only wonder how things would have went if I was stuck there for longer. Would they have security force me to take those pills? Probably.
And I don't know if I want to be in contact with my old boss again considering I broke the promise. I already owe so much and so I don't want more problems to bother them with. I guess I've made quite a reputation for myself to those who had known before the crash.
Even though now with my new job and home and all that somewhat sorted I just feel tired. Every night would end with me thinking back and going all miserable again, and every now and then I'd wake up exhausted with a off and on pain in the chest. I just feel so tired of life I want to finally rest. When I was younger I would have games distract me from my worries but now it's so hard to enjoy them like I use to. I would occasionally feel happy but it would never last long, and I'm not even sure if I feel sad or anything, I just feel off.
Now I don't know if I should try hanging myself again, maybe give driving full speed into a solid wall or maybe even to go as far as getting my paperwork sorted and go on holiday in Ukraine and fuck around with fireworks until I die. I'm just scared of failing again and get thrown back in a psych ward, who knows how long it'll be this time.
Who knows, maybe I died on the first attempt and this is just what hell is like.
