Venting married men

[violetforever]

yeah i know im a deeply flawed person who deserves the title of a whore for this but at least im self aware and nothing too disastrous has happened. i had one online relationship with a married man (stupidly and still considered the love of my life in a way) and it made me swear off and lose interest in attempting to ever have any other relationships. so "accidental" was our relationship even though the base of the friendship it grew from was always mutual attraction waiting to be addressed. i get myself into trouble like this and wonder how someone as shy and awkward as i am got there?

i really do have an allure for married men. has to be married and older, not just a boyfriend or anything else thats not so set in stone. married and a father is unfortunately even better. its just like a signal that a man is "good" if hes taken. i dont even want to steal the man away from his family though. more like the opposite. i want them to be good to their family (as much as they can while being unfaithful lol?) and stay together. i just want to be apart of it in some strange way. i suppose its because my dad isnt in my life, my mom prioritizes men and consequently, i dont have much of a family. mine is so broken and abusive. to associate myself with a man with a family feels like the next best thing to try to fill that void. its unhealthy and disturbing but i like this role. i get twice as much out of one person. i depend on the man like a father figure and a lover at the same time. im so confusing. i felt for his wife being cheated on even though i was part of the reason she was being betrayed. i worried about his kids growing up to find out he was a bad father even though i was part of the reason he was being a bad father. i resent him for not appreciating his family and everything else nice that he has in his life even though i was getting in the way of that. maybe it felt "ok" because he admitted he had marriage problems before i even met him so i didnt cause all of this mess. maybe i just saw myself and my family in him and his family and i was trying to heal that wound.

i think im afraid to have a relationship with an actual single man because it feels too real and bound to end. i need that distance. i dont want real or both permanent and temporary things anyway. i realistically dont want marriage, kids, to live with a man or have a man meet my family and stuff like that. online also feels less real. i can quietly slip away from an affair and its like it never happened because it has to stay hidden or it was only online. thankfully im probably not brave enough to be anything more than a tease in person. i figure i might as well be involved in cheating than getting cheated on myself. i still got cheated on as a cheater though haha a wife and one whore still isnt enough for men. i understand the excitement makes them feel powerful and want to seek out more women. i hurt myself on purpose with this. i wanted to prove my belief that love isnt real so ill stay away from it and married men do that for me. it comes with an expected sense of shame and uncertainty too. i cant be too disappointed in the end like i would be if a normal relationship failed since the whole thing with affairs is selfish and inappropriate from the start.

 

[existentiallinguine]

It may be inappropriate but it's hard on yourself to call yourself a "whore," and I'm saying that as someone who has dabbled in sex work. We all have made mistakes in relationships I'm sure. You sound much younger than these guys. Have you considered you might be displacing a lot of the blame here to yourself? I totally get that maybe you aren't an innocent party, but an older man with a family clumsily dating a depressed younger woman is still a representative of a lot of power over you. I wish I had more to say or more experience in this arena to help you, but all the fucked up relationships I've had are with guys that were single, that said I really get how having a fucked up childhood ruins your ability to have stable romance. Believe me I do. I don't think I can ever have a stable version of love because even what I want is based around unhealthy relationship patterns modeled for me as a child. You're not alone there. And using your relationships as a form of self sabotage and self harm? Yeah. I know that too. I hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself.

 

[Seneca65AD]

Speaking as a an "older" gentleman, it takes two to actually have an affair. It does not matter if you chased him or not, he's an adult and has to accept responsibility. Sure, it isn't great that you may chase married men but calling yourself a "whore" is definitely being too hard on yourself (I agree with existentiallinguine).

I also agree that you appear to have emotional voids which you are attempting to fill. But again, do not be hard on yourself. Everyone is screwed up to some level - some just hide it better than others. Trust me when I say I know about "bad choices"; as I've discussed in another thread, I made the worst decisions when it came to relationships when I was younger. I felt that I had to "needed" to be loved so I gravitated towards women on social assistance with several kids from different men and also put up with a lot of cheating. I never saw a red flag that was too large. Fortunately as I got older, the quality of women I dated really elevated.

Give yourself a break and maybe start with friendship first. I firmly believe that love will find everyone if they are simply open to it. It may take time but at least you won't be waking up feeling shame (even though it's not your fault).

Fortunately, I've never had to deal with a serious pursuit. Sure, some clients may "flirt", but then I start talking about my wife and daughter and things get back on track. At least my paranoia/anxiety would probably interpret a good looking woman actively pursuing me as simply a prelude to an extortion attempt - hmmm, it would be ironic if it's my mental issues keeping me a committed husband and father.

 

[violetforever]

It may be inappropriate but it's hard on yourself to call yourself a "whore," and I'm saying that as someone who has dabbled in sex work. We all have made mistakes in relationships I'm sure. You sound much younger than these guys. Have you considered you might be displacing a lot of the blame here to yourself? I totally get that maybe you aren't an innocent party, but an older man with a family clumsily dating a depressed younger woman is still a representative of a lot of power over you. I wish I had more to say or more experience in this arena to help you, but all the fucked up relationships I've had are with guys that were single, that said I really get how having a fucked up childhood ruins your ability to have stable romance. Believe me I do. I don't think I can ever have a stable version of love because even what I want is based around unhealthy relationship patterns modeled for me as a child. You're not alone there. And using your relationships as a form of self sabotage and self harm? Yeah. I know that too. I hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself.

its just one singular guy but yeah. luckily i have a friend who let me vent about the whole situation with her for months. it really helped me view his entire character without being blinded by love. he turned out to be really cruel to me so i distanced myself. i just feel dumb because i ended up right where i started with him. i shouldve always just admired from afar/kept it hidden. it wouldve saved me from all of this. thats why i wont do it again. thank u for the kind words

At least my paranoia/anxiety would probably interpret a good looking woman actively pursuing me as simply a prelude to an extortion attempt - hmmm, it would be ironic if it's my mental issues keeping me a committed husband and father.

i want to respond to ur whole reply but i have to say, this only solidified my fear and avoidance of relationships with men even more when i first admitted my feelings to this man he thought i was playing a trick on him or something too. i didnt understand back then but now i see why. i see his flaws and insecurities much more now. i still love him but if i knew what i do now, i probably wouldnt have admitted how i felt. i thought i could handle it but i had no idea what i was really getting into.

Sure, some clients may "flirt", but then I start talking about my wife and daughter and things get back on track.

i appreciate u saying to not be hard on myself and i'll try but i know it really is bad that i don't stop when i know a man is married with kids. with this man, i was able to keep it to myself and just be friends for the time we spoke until we lost contact. i thought i was safe and he'd become a long lost crush. he eventually came back into my life and was showing obvious interest in me. i really loved him so i couldnt resist the advances. well i wont ever be naive and young (even though im not even 5 years older than when this happened lol) like that again.

 

[Seneca65AD]

i want to respond to ur whole reply but i have to say, this only solidified my fear and avoidance of relationships with men even more when i first admitted my feelings to this man he thought i was playing a trick on him or something too. i didnt understand back then but now i see why. i see his flaws and insecurities much more now. i still love him but if i knew what i do now, i probably wouldnt have admitted how i felt. i thought i could handle it but i had no idea what i was really getting into.

My apologies. That was definitely not my intention. Please don't ascribe my emotional issues to all men. I would like to think most are pretty well adjusted without the emotional baggage which brought me to SaSu in the first place. Don't give up - the building block of good judgment is experience which is based on bad decisions and learning (eventually) from them. We all make mistakes - so again, don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I'm twice divorced and I don't think my current gf likes me all that much. So you can be taken and still not be a good partner lol. Either way, it's normal to like what you can't have. Or be into something that features some taboo element. Hell I fantasized about other women way more than I ever did of my wives while I was married.

 

[violetforever]

Hell I fantasized about other women way more than I ever did of my wives while I was married.

so whats the point of marriage and relationships? another post telling me to just focus on myself well ever since i decided for sure that ill never be with someone, i like hearing about other peoples relationships even if its pretty bad.

 

[Seneca65AD]

so whats the point of marriage and relationships? another post telling me to just focus on myself well ever since i decided for sure that ill never be with someone, i like hearing about other peoples relationships even if its pretty bad.

I see the point as filling a void, whether it's just a byproduct of simple Darwinism and survival of the species, or a mystical experience handed down by the gods themselves, we are generally sociable creatures and that includes having a significant other in our lives. I know I still love my wife but we did meet in our early 40's so we had already dated extensively before meeting and knew what we liked and what we didn't.

Is our love as passionate as it was when we first met? Nope - but I still slap her butt and call her "sexy". I suspect that's because of our age when we met; we already knew lust/passion fades and is replaced by simple contentment and emotional support. Now, that is just us. We have friends in their 60's that apparently still knock knees 2 -3 x per week after 35 years of marriage, but they are both retired.

I still look at women who have short skirts, tight fitting dresses, etc. Hell, I even look at good looking well-built guys, but it's a passing glance as opposed to a real longing.

There is no map for a healthy relationship that lasts other than experience. One can read all the books and attend all the seminars but it truly comes down to a simple fact - I am happier with her than I would be without her. I don't know your age but I suspect I have suits older than you. So try not to view the present as a prologue to the future (despite what Shakespeare suggested in the Tempest). Still make those relationship mistakes, get those scars built up and the odds are you could be as old as my wife and I are with someone slapping your butt. Don't give up.

 

[DirtCommie]

It may be inappropriate but it's hard on yourself to call yourself a "whore," and I'm saying that as someone who has dabbled in sex work. We all have made mistakes in relationships I'm sure. You sound much younger than these guys. Have you considered you might be displacing a lot of the blame here to yourself? I totally get that maybe you aren't an innocent party, but an older man with a family clumsily dating a depressed younger woman is still a representative of a lot of power over you. I wish I had more to say or more experience in this arena to help you, but all the fucked up relationships I've had are with guys that were single, that said I really get how having a fucked up childhood ruins your ability to have stable romance. Believe me I do. I don't think I can ever have a stable version of love because even what I want is based around unhealthy relationship patterns modeled for me as a child. You're not alone there. And using your relationships as a form of self sabotage and self harm? Yeah. I know that too. I hope you can be a bit kinder to yourself.

but sex work isnt anything like cheating.

With sex work you have to sell your body and your abilities for money cause you are left with no other choice of employment that will suffice to pay your bills. I am guessing you were trafficked, homeless or on the edge of becoming homeless when you got into sex work, no?

Meanwhile cheating is deliberstely making the choice to destroy your other relationship (s) and that affair partner's relationship(s) for no logical reason.

Only one of those two things involves making a selfish choice. The other involves having no other choices at all.

I'm twice divorced and I don't think my current gf likes me all that much. So you can be taken and still not be a good partner lol. Either way, it's normal to like what you can't have. Or be into something that features some taboo element. Hell I fantasized about other women way more than I ever did of my wives while I was married.

...I think you might be a closeted polygamist ...

 

[Zura]

you mentioned you like married men because its a signal they are good if they are taken and have a family
but i hope you do realise that those men are not really good if they are goofing around with you behind their wife's back are they?
so yeah they never were good i know you think that you are the reason they turned bad and i get where you are coming from but if they would have find any girl attractive whether its you or someone else they would have just like that betrayed their family
so yeah i hope you do realise which i think you do is there is nothing good about them and given the opportunity they would betray the trust of their loved ones
i think you are into them because you know its kinda wrong and i guess thats just how the brain works

 

[violetforever]

you mentioned you like married men because its a signal they are good if they are taken and have a family
but i hope you do realise that those men are not really good if they are goofing around with you behind their wife's back are they?

ya i realize that. thats why i put good in quotes. it just looks good for them to have a family, it doesnt mean theyre actually good.

so yeah they never were good i know you think that you are the reason they turned bad and i get where you are coming from but if they would have find any girl attractive whether its you or someone else they would have just like that betrayed their family

i dont think im the sole reason. i think men just like and go after whats in front of them. i know it couldve been me or any other girl.

i think you are into them because you know its kinda wrong and i guess thats just how the brain works

in this case, i liked this man even before i found out he was married and had a family. i was just going to like him no matter what. nowadays i seem to not care if a man has a family, ill still be flirty, im impulsive.

 

[DirtCommie]

ya i realize that. thats why i put good in quotes. it just looks good for them to have a family, it doesnt mean theyre actually good.

i dont think im the sole reason. i think men just like and go after whats in front of them. i know it couldve been me or any other girl.

in this case, i liked this man even before i found out he was married and had a family. i was just going to like him no matter what. nowadays i seem to not care if a man has a family, ill still be flirty, im impulsive

Gotta get control of yourself unless you wat your heart to be broken a trillion and one times...

 

[violetforever]

Gotta get control of yourself unless you wat your heart to be broken a trillion and one times..

i did get control of myself. getting my heart broken one time was enough. ill never have another relationship with a man or even like another man in a serious manner again :p

 

[pax420]

Don't be so hard on yourself, the heart goes where the heart wants to go. Right or wrong. Everybody has different likes and dislikes. What turns some people on, turns others off. Don't beat yourself up. I guess it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved. Personally I was with the same woman for 23 years, until she died, and never strayed. But that's just me. Everyone has different wants and needs. If you can find somebody who can fill yours, consider yourself lucky. I was for 23 years then my luck ran out.

 

[gonegirl405]

I've read everything you said, and I understand your point of view. First, I want to say that when someone is struggling mentally (I hope you don't take offense to that), they can sometimes make choices they wouldn't normally make. I've had very negative experiences with male figures in my life, and because of that, I don't really have any interest in relationships or men.

That being said, what happened was wrong. However, the responsibility doesn't fall entirely on you, the man also played a role. Still, I do think it's important for you to take accountability for your part. I can only imagine how the wife would feel if she found out her husband was cheating. Whether it's online or not, the emotional impact would still be very real and painful.
You might avoid direct confrontation, but your conscience could continue to weigh on you.

This isn't a small mistake (dont beat yourself up too much about it tho) it has the potential to seriously hurt not just the wife, but also their children. Because of that, I think it's really important that you make a conscious effort to avoid getting involved with married men in the future.

I also believe that you have free will to make choices about your own life, even destructive ones, but I really can't condone anything that involves deliberately harming other people's lives. I don't think anyone should intentionally do that. So please, I understand that it can be very difficult, but you won't be the only one affected here.
You really need to work on yourself in this area, so you don't end up hurting yourself emotionally or anyone else in the future.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

I was married for 10 years, 4 kids, and a cheating ex-wife. Once I found out, the sex between us ended and a divorce soon followed.

After we split up, she tried to be the victim, said I was mean and verbally abusive, I wouldn't have sex with her, I was the one cheating, etc etc...

In court she kept contradicting herself, and finally after telling lie after lie and changing stories around, the judge granted my divorce and the ex didn't get shit.

But as it goes, everyone makes their own decisions. The married guy could have told you he was married and only wanted to be friends, but he chose to continue to pursue you for his own reasons. IMO, you are not at fault in any way. I'm glad you distanced yourself from him.

 

[violetforever]

Personally I was with the same woman for 23 years, until she died, and never strayed. But that's just me. Everyone has different wants and needs. If you can find somebody who can fill yours, consider yourself lucky. I was for 23 years then my luck ran out.

this should just be the standard i have a lot of respect for you for this.

I've read everything you said, and I understand your point of view. First, I want to say that when someone is struggling mentally (I hope you don't take offense to that), they can sometimes make choices they wouldn't normally make. I've had very negative experiences with male figures in my life, and because of that, I don't really have any interest in relationships or men.

my choices definitely come from struggling mentally, i can recognize that. all my experiences with men have been negative, even those in my family. that finally caused me to not have interest in anything serious with other men. no that doesnt mean i have sex or anything like that for any perverts possibly reading this i still have my dignity (by dignity i mean i have sexual trauma and repression mainly from my religious family and abuse, just joking about my fears).

I can only imagine how the wife would feel if she found out her husband was cheating. Whether it's online or not, the emotional impact would still be very real and painful.

i feel like she does know. they slept in separate bedrooms, seemed to not have sex with each other anymore, he avoided her and his children all day to talk to me/other people and smoke/drink and then various times he had to hang up quickly because his wife came in. i heard her yelling at him before (not about us, something else). even if she doesnt know, they are unhappy anyways. it made me feel less bad about it but at the same time it was never my intention to purposely hurt her or their kids. especially not the kids. i hated being a kid and seeing/knowing my parents cheated on each other and our family eventually became broken.

Because of that, I think it's really important that you make a conscious effort to avoid getting involved with married men in the future.

i do. i dont actively search out married men or even any men actually. im not looking to have another affair. what i did really hurt me and i feel bad about how it hurt or couldve hurt others. thank u for taking the time to reply <3

I was married for 10 years, 4 kids, and a cheating ex-wife. Once I found out, the sex between us ended and a divorce soon followed.

After we split up, she tried to be the victim, said I was mean and verbally abusive, I wouldn't have sex with her, I was the one cheating, etc etc...

In court she kept contradicting herself, and finally after telling lie after lie and changing stories around, the judge granted my divorce and the ex didn't get shit.

But as it goes, everyone makes their own decisions. The married guy could have told you he was married and only wanted to be friends, but he chose to continue to pursue you for his own reasons. IMO, you are not at fault in any way. I'm glad you distanced yourself from him.

can i ask if u ever had another relationship after that? i hope u and ur kids are doing better my parents divorced and my mom got into a new relationship and it just made my parents separation feel even worse. maybe because my mom is also a bad parent and just chose the same type of man.

 

[no mas]

but sex work isnt anything like cheating.

With sex work you have to sell your body and your abilities for money cause you are left with no other choice of employment that will suffice to pay your bills. I am guessing you were trafficked, homeless or on the edge of becoming homeless when you got into sex work, no?

Meanwhile cheating is deliberstely making the choice to destroy your other relationship (s) and that affair partner's relationship(s) for no logical reason.

Only one of those two things involves making a selfish choice. The other involves having no other choices at all.

...I think you might be a closeted polygamist ...

That's so funny...closeted polygamist

 

[LadyEve]

Ive contemplated this same issue within myself. Altho it's more targeted towards older over married. They have a large overlap. It bothers me to admit that I've been with men twice my age or more and one or two even had children my age.

It disgusts me beyond belief that I let myself fall into situations like that well into adulthood but, I think horribly enough with childhood trauma and family issues. Some folks tend to force themselves to relive it as a sick way of coping.

Thankfully I've come to realize the men in situations like that tend to be a bit more intentionally malicious than I myself was. So I have learned to not judge myself to harshly.

I hope you find a way to give yourself some grace. And that a healthier relationship comes your way soon.

 

[Shadows From Hell]

can i ask if u ever had another relationship after that? i hope u and ur kids are doing better my parents divorced and my mom got into a new relationship and it just made my parents separation feel even worse. maybe because my mom is also a bad parent and just chose the same type of man.

Yeah, I had a few other relationships, but I refuse to ever marry again. Just going through the BS of divorce is what stops me in case it ever happens again.

We split up in 2010, divorced almost 2 years later. She was in a relationship not long after we split up, so I'm assuming it was with one of the guys she was cheating on me with.

The kids stayed with her and it took them a while to adapt to the change, but they turned out fine, and all except one is out on their own. The last one just turned 18, and is finishing school then going off to college.

My oldest kept me informed for a while how her mother was. As far as being abusive? No, my ex was never abusive to the kids and was very protective of them, and the numerous boyfriends that came and went never assaulted the kids in any way(otherwise, I'd be in prison right now).

For whatever reason, she couldn't hold onto a relationship afterwards, and in 2019 she tried to "work it out" with me, which was not happening.

So currently I'm single, and not really looking since I don't plan to be around much longer. My plans to ctb isn't from my divorce or anything someone did, I've suffered from depression and anxiety since my preteen years, and now have full blown COPD, so I'm done playing Russian roulette with life.