render
Member
- Sep 3, 2024
- 25
is this an intro thread? i dont know, what does an intro thread for a suicide forum usually look like?
i dont remember when i wasnt suicidal anymore. i thought i was getting better for a long time. the four years i was in college i feel like really let me be myself and explore new things and all that shit. it fell apart when i graduated this june i think, i had to go back in the closet, my partner broke up with me for being too mentally ill, my grandpa died, i got hit with another wave of dysphoria, stopped being able to access therapy since graduation, etc. million things happened at once and ive been lurking here since.
i'm not even that upset with my partner for breaking up with me, im just starting to suspect that we became friends because his best friend stopped talking to him, then when they came back into their life they dropped me like a hot potato. normally i feel like this would be a fucking insane assumption, except he always compared me to them, talked to me about everything about their friendship, hell during the breakup he brought them up. i feel like ive been used. i don't think he'd intentionally, consciously do this, but maybe he did it subconsciously. whatever im used to it, ive always been disposable anyways. we're still friends. i don't know if i should confront him about it. my friend offered to ask him for me but i feel bad getting her so involved. i had a breakdown in the car with three of my friends and i feel so fucking bad for it. i don't think i should be letting people know that i want to kill myself because it makes things awkward for them and they'll get sick of it later anyways
and my relationship with my family is kind of odd too, my dad's side of the family is just me and him since grandma passed, and my mom's side of the family doesn't talk to me all that much despite being a lot bigger, so im just kind of left to wander around during meetups. on top of that i'm closeted trans and this is a bunch of korean christians, so they'd stop talking to me sooner or later anyway. my dad is fine except he threatened to kick me out of the house if i ever came out but its fine otherwise
in the end i don't think anyone would miss me, so its probably fine for me to kill myself. i'm thinking SN, but asphyxiation is a backup plan. still kind of working out the details? regardless of what happens i NEED to die. i'd make the world a better place by old yeller-ing myself. i think it'd be a massive relief once i actually manage to succeed, like, oh thank god, this bozo's dead, finally. or some shit like that. the only thing keeping me tethered is my plush collection which sounds a little sad now that i'm writing this down oh my god lol
anyways uh hi. what do we do here? iunno nice to meet you all i guess
i dont remember when i wasnt suicidal anymore. i thought i was getting better for a long time. the four years i was in college i feel like really let me be myself and explore new things and all that shit. it fell apart when i graduated this june i think, i had to go back in the closet, my partner broke up with me for being too mentally ill, my grandpa died, i got hit with another wave of dysphoria, stopped being able to access therapy since graduation, etc. million things happened at once and ive been lurking here since.
i'm not even that upset with my partner for breaking up with me, im just starting to suspect that we became friends because his best friend stopped talking to him, then when they came back into their life they dropped me like a hot potato. normally i feel like this would be a fucking insane assumption, except he always compared me to them, talked to me about everything about their friendship, hell during the breakup he brought them up. i feel like ive been used. i don't think he'd intentionally, consciously do this, but maybe he did it subconsciously. whatever im used to it, ive always been disposable anyways. we're still friends. i don't know if i should confront him about it. my friend offered to ask him for me but i feel bad getting her so involved. i had a breakdown in the car with three of my friends and i feel so fucking bad for it. i don't think i should be letting people know that i want to kill myself because it makes things awkward for them and they'll get sick of it later anyways
and my relationship with my family is kind of odd too, my dad's side of the family is just me and him since grandma passed, and my mom's side of the family doesn't talk to me all that much despite being a lot bigger, so im just kind of left to wander around during meetups. on top of that i'm closeted trans and this is a bunch of korean christians, so they'd stop talking to me sooner or later anyway. my dad is fine except he threatened to kick me out of the house if i ever came out but its fine otherwise
in the end i don't think anyone would miss me, so its probably fine for me to kill myself. i'm thinking SN, but asphyxiation is a backup plan. still kind of working out the details? regardless of what happens i NEED to die. i'd make the world a better place by old yeller-ing myself. i think it'd be a massive relief once i actually manage to succeed, like, oh thank god, this bozo's dead, finally. or some shit like that. the only thing keeping me tethered is my plush collection which sounds a little sad now that i'm writing this down oh my god lol
anyways uh hi. what do we do here? iunno nice to meet you all i guess
