Help Maladaptive Daydreaming & Avoidance (Attachment Issues)

[Celerity]

Lately, I have found myself slipping into maladaptive daydreaming again. Part of this is because of the holidays. Without a heavy work or class schedule, I have had too much time to myself. Rising anxiety finished the job by sucking the joy out of my hobbies, so then I am stuck with my endless daydreaming - possible the oddest form of self-harm.

I just started dating this guy I met at the party of a mutual friend's. On paper, he has a lot going for him and is even out of my league in a lot of ways. He's my type physically, he's really funny, we have a lot of shared values and political views (though more on that in a moment), he's in great physical shape, and he makes good money at a steady job.

What I'm saying is that he should be a catch, but all I can feel myself doing is pulling away. He has put in all the effort to reach out to me. I don't think of him at all unless he texts me. When he touches me, I feel mildly curious but with the level of passion one would have in a math class. I find myself analyzing and cataloging my reactions to his closeness, and lust isn't on the list of the emotions I'm feeling.

And this is where the maladaptive daydreaming comes in. My fantasies have spun out of control. I consume a lot of fiction whether it be through the written word or through films or TV shows. Since I was a kid, I could spend hours coming up with new stories. I have even written some fanfiction that I can at least say isn't 100% hot garbage. All this is to say is that daydreaming is a habit I have wittingly and unwittingly cultivated for years.

Of course, when I got older, I began to have sexual fantasies as everyone does. Since I have started dating him, this has ratcheted up several notches to move beyond fantasizing about sex. I dream about finding the love of my life under various weird, dramatic circumstances that would probably put a Hallmark movie to shame. I can't help but feel that this stems from my avoidant tendencies when it comes to close relationships. I always desire the unavailable, and I simply do not know what to do with someone who wants me, so I instead focus on a phantom created in my mind.

But then maybe I am just not attracted to him. We do not agree on everything, and some of the things he has said make me feel like he doesn't respect women and wants to dominate me. Maybe I am being hypervigilant? But while I might excuse these attitudes in a male friend, I'm not really keen on putting up with it in a relationship. Since I lack any experience, it is hard to know which explanation is more true.

 

[SexyIncél]

We do not agree on everything, and some of the things he has said make me feel like he doesn't respect women and wants to dominate me. Maybe I am being hypervigilant?

Hmm, more details? On your disagreements, and what you interpret as disrespect/domination?

Specifics seem to matter here, because we (your dear readers) are currently behind a wall of abstract interpretations

 

[migimortis]

My first guess was anhedonia, but then you said you have fantasies. I think your conclusion sounds correct, maybe you are just looking for someone to heal your avoidant-induced wound and this guy happened to fit the bill.

 

[Argo]

There are therapists that specialize in attachment issues. If you think attachment is a big reason you can't connect, and you want to go all in on recovery, then it would make sense to try to heal that specifically. I relate to/struggle with attachment issues too. In fact that post I made here a while back actually came from a therapist who specializes in attachment. That whole drawing was in the context of someone whose entire training was around attachment theory-- I didn't say this in that thread but it makes sense that you spotted it if you struggle with this yourself.

Have you thought much about the price we pay for fantasy in general(beyond maladaptive daydreaming)? It feels good, it's a kind of idealized desire, it's the basis for a lot of media and art, but it sets a high bar for the real world. Fantasy helps to guarantee that one can never be happy, because anything they experience is bound to be seen in light of the fantasy somehow. If the fantasies are just some best case scenario for what can realistically happen, that's one thing, but it's a special kind of self-sabotage if we spend our lives dreaming of something truly fictional. Then we're really gonna suffer because there's no chance at all of getting that thing, we'll just be comparing our reality to it forever.

 

[Celerity]

Hmm, more details? On your disagreements, and what you interpret as disrespect/domination?

Specifics seem to matter here, because we (your dear readers) are currently behind a wall of abstract interpretations

He is kind of a "macho man" type who likes guns and sports and says that he is dominant in bed. He has also sent some explicit stuff to me that were jokes but still made me a bit uncomfortable like memes with sex toys and drawings from porn. He also boasts a lot and is very eager to have me know that he is physically strong and fit. All in all, not exactly a dead ringer for male chauvinist per se but also not my type.

Politically, he is definitely more right wing than I am. We have not discussed feminism, but I have the strong sense that he has avoided that topic for a reason. He discusses most other issues freely.

My first guess was anhedonia, but then you said you have fantasies. I think your conclusion sounds correct, maybe you are just looking for someone to heal your avoidant-induced wound and this guy happened to fit the bill.

Ah, but that would be for the Love of My Life fantasy man my mind has conjured up for me, not the guy I am dating. I said yes when he asked me out because I thought I would give him a chance. I had just met him for all intents and purposes because we went to school together years ago.

There are therapists that specialize in attachment issues. If you think attachment is a big reason you can't connect, and you want to go all in on recovery, then it would make sense to try to heal that specifically. I relate to/struggle with attachment issues too. In fact that post I made here a while back actually came from a therapist who specializes in attachment. That whole drawing was in the context of someone whose entire training was around attachment theory-- I didn't say this in that thread but it makes sense that you spotted it if you struggle with this yourself.

Have you thought much about the price we pay for fantasy in general(beyond maladaptive daydreaming)? It feels good, it's a kind of idealized desire, it's the basis for a lot of media and art, but it sets a high bar for the real world. Fantasy helps to guarantee that one can never be happy, because anything they experience is bound to be seen in light of the fantasy somehow. If the fantasies are just some best case scenario for what can realistically happen, that's one thing, but it's a special kind of self-sabotage if we spend our lives dreaming of something truly fictional. Then we're really gonna suffer because there's no chance at all of getting that thing, we'll just be comparing our reality to it forever.

I remember that post and related very strongly to the message. Regarding the daydreaming, you have summed up my fears about it.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

Um, maybe it's really just this:
"But then maybe I am just not attracted to him. We do not agree on everything, and some of the things he has said make me feel like he doesn't respect women and wants to dominate me. Maybe I am being hypervigilant? But while I might excuse these attitudes in a male friend, I'm not really keen on putting up with it in a relationship."

I mean, it sounds like you have an ideal scenario on how to meet the guy that you want, and you may have a pretty good idea of the traits that you'd want someone to have (that you'd consider in a partner).

My take is..don't settle.

 

[Celerity]

Um, maybe it's really just this:
"But then maybe I am just not attracted to him. We do not agree on everything, and some of the things he has said make me feel like he doesn't respect women and wants to dominate me. Maybe I am being hypervigilant? But while I might excuse these attitudes in a male friend, I'm not really keen on putting up with it in a relationship."

I mean, it sounds like you have an ideal scenario on how to meet the guy that you want, and you may have a pretty good idea of the traits that you'd want someone to have (that you'd consider in a partner).

My take is..don't settle.

I do tend to usually like more nerdy, softspoken guys. Guys like the one I am dating can be a lot of fun as friends, but I can't remember if I have ever found one attractive. Thank you. I spoke with my SIL, and she also said to move on if I don't begin finding him attractive soon. She knows about my inexperience as well.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I do tend to usually like more nerdy, softspoken guys. Guys like the one I am dating can be a lot of fun as friends, but I can't remember if I have ever found one attractive. Thank you. I spoke with my SIL, and she also said to move on if I don't begin finding him attractive soon. She knows about my inexperience as well.

Sorry, what's an SIL?

All i can say is anyone who likes Kung Fu Hustle is awesome, so i hope you don't count him off as a loss or think it's a waste. If you don't match, you dont match.

I'm sure there's someone there that at least matches what you're looking for in terms of like being attracted to or opinions you'd get along with.

I think it's a balance... like there would be points you might not necessarily agree on but since it's important to you then like effort would be made or something.

 

[Celerity]

Sorry, what's an SIL?

All i can say is anyone who likes Kung Fu Hustle is awesome, so i hope you don't count him off as a loss or think it's a waste. If you don't match, you dont match.

I'm sure there's someone there that at least matches what you're looking for in terms of like being attracted to or opinions you'd get along with.

I think it's a balance... like there would be points you might not necessarily agree on but since it's important to you then like effort would be made or something.

SIL = "sister in law". I don't remember if he said he likes Kung Fu Hustle. I'll have to ask him. It's one of my favorite movies, lol.

As for compatibility, I don't expect perfect agreement on everything. In fact, I think I would probably clash with someone just like me. There are just some issues about which I am particularly sensitive. Perhaps because my parents' marriage is garbage and my dad was verbally abusive, I am on high alert for such problems.

 

[SexyIncél]

Do you proactively look for guys & ask them out, or rather just wait for them to ask you out?

 

[Celerity]

Do you proactively look for guys & ask them out, or rather just wait for them to ask you out?

Until he asked me out, I had planned to set up an account on a dating website/app. I have been dragging my feet on dating since I live at home and do not have a lot to offer. However, my school plans have been delayed for another year, so I will not be getting out any time soon, and I am not getting any younger.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

SIL = "sister in law". I don't remember if he said he likes Kung Fu Hustle. I'll have to ask him. It's one of my favorite movies, lol.

As for compatibility, I don't expect perfect agreement on everything. In fact, I think I would probably clash with someone just like me. There are just some issues about which I am particularly sensitive. Perhaps because my parents' marriage is garbage and my dad was verbally abusive, I am on high alert for such problems.

Sorry, i meant you. I think i came across your response in one thread about you liking it soo..
I was trying to say that you like Kung Fu Hustle so dont be so hard on yourself that you gotta let him go.

As for compatibility, I don't expect perfect agreement on everything. In fact, I think I would probably clash with someone just like me. There are just some issues about which I am particularly sensitive.

There you go! so yeahup, you kinda already knew the answer before you posted. Good luck!

 

[SexyIncél]

I have been dragging my feet on dating since I live at home and do not have a lot to offer.

I wouldn't be so sure about that. You're intelligent & mature (in that you can look through different, even incommensurate perspectives). And to be depressingly crass, I recall you said you have a low relationship/body count, which is far more of a plus than most women realize. Because you avoided much trauma & certain bad habits

This may sound unpleasantly patriarchal, but it's typically guys who feel compelled to have much to offer. Though I realize this may make you feel like a passive recipient. But in any case, what you have to offer is all you have, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Within it may be something that's particularly important to someone

There's alternatives to dating. Some just talk with lots of people, and sometimes they hit a crazy spark... as if they been desperately missing each other all along

You probably know all this & ymmv

 

[Celerity]

I wouldn't be so sure about that. You're intelligent & mature (in that you can look through different, even incommensurate perspectives). And to be depressingly crass, I recall you said you have a low relationship/body count, which is far more of a plus than most women realize. Because you avoided much trauma & certain bad habits

This may sound unpleasantly patriarchal, but it's typically guys who feel compelled to have much to offer. Though I realize this may make you feel like a passive recipient. But in any case, what you have to offer is all you have, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Within it may be something that's particularly important to someone

There's alternatives to dating. Some just talk with lots of people, and sometimes they hit a crazy spark... as if they been desperately missing each other all along

You probably know all this & ymmv

Well, I think the guy I'm dating is a bit turned on by my innocence, so you may be on to something. He also seemed relieved that I hadn't tried online dating, though of course it means he has no competition, lol.

When it comes to being a good catch, it is just hard to picture a man with his shit together being interested in me. I am going to school, so it's not like I am determined to languish at my retail job, but I am really embarrassed about it. It is likely I have built it up in my head as a far bigger factor than it really is.

 

[SexyIncél]

Well, I think the guy I'm dating is a bit turned on by my innocence, so you may be on to something. He also seemed relieved that I hadn't tried online dating, though of course it means he has no competition, lol.

When it comes to being a good catch, it is just hard to picture a man with his shit together being interested in me. I am going to school, so it's not like I am determined to languish at my retail job, but I am really embarrassed about it. It is likely I have built it up in my head as a far bigger factor than it really is.

Yes, you have noooo idea. It's like watching someone wearing a formal suit to a job interview as a tech startup programmer, it's that bad

Your soft-spoken feminist-friendly nerd with his life together... isn't that uncommon. I'm 90+% sure it's easily within your power to get him. I say this as someone who's helped successfully gals find & evaluate guys

 

[Celerity]

Yes, you have noooo idea. It's like watching someone wearing a formal suit to a job interview as a tech startup programmer, it's that bad

Your soft-spoken feminist-friendly nerd with his life together... isn't that uncommon. I'm 90+% sure it's easily within your power to get him. I say this as someone who's helped successfully gals find & evaluate guys

Maybe I will give the dating apps a try then. If it doesn't work out with the guy I'm dating, I am determined to keep trying. I guess I will seek therapy specific to attachment if a more general pattern develops.

 

[SexyIncél]

Maybe I will give the dating apps a try then. If it doesn't work out with the guy I'm dating, I am determined to keep trying. I guess I will seek therapy specific to attachment if a more general pattern develops.

Do you also live near a lively city, with meetups that attract the sort of nerd you like?

 

[Celerity]

Do you also live near a lively city, with meetups that attract the sort of nerd you like?

No, unfortunately. My area is one of the fastest growing in the state, but everything is very spread out. The nearest city with such events is about an hour away.

 

[SexyIncél]

btw I hear instagram's the world's biggest dating app. You can slide into people's DMs & whatnot

 

[Celerity]

btw I hear instagram's the world's biggest dating app. You can slide into people's DMs & whatnot

Guys use Instagram? I thought they only followed models and porn stars on there. I basically live under a rock, lol. My knowledge of everything online is basically frozen in time circa 2015.

 

[SexyIncél]

Guys use Instagram? I thought they only followed models and porn stars on there.

And wank to pics of their friends/acquaintances

Many gals use Instagram to imaginatively reconstruct themselves, desiring that thirsty recognition. Not that they'd probably go out with their simps, but they do crave the attention high

Maybe depends on the country though