Making the final decision. Plus, rate my SN plan!

[zapffes_son]

Part 1

Hey everyone, I haven't posted much, but I've been following SS since the Reddit days. So comes the inevitable conclusion, I guess.

I doubt this is too surprising, but my entire life's been a giant pile of shit. The only thing that defines it is a lifetime of non-stop physical violence, sexual abuse, psychological abuse, unending isolation and solitude, and more. I have no idea how the hell I made it to 38, but standing here now, that was a pretty stupid idea. Reading someone who CTBed at 22, I really should have done it at that age, because I would've spared myself a lifetime of suffering for the benefit of others.

Looking at my life now, I understand that I should change what I didn't before. Sort of like a twisted version of Quantum Leap: if I could go back in time and fix the worst mistake of my life, it'd be not killing myself sooner. Or preventing the day I was born.

My future looks unfixably bleak. If I had known then what I do now, I would've done it sooner without a doubt.

It's a shame I never got to "enjoy" this life. How many people really do in this world? I'm facing my death now and just reflecting on it and my life.

All avenues of my future are dead. I'm already middle-aged and the only thing I have to show for it is a massive case of PTSD with nothing left to look forward to, except more of the same, but worse!

Who in their right fucking mind wouldn't commit suicide under these circumstances? Seriously. If I had done it 20 years ago, that sadly would've been the best decision I ever made.

The one thing that's defined me is fighting for some liveable quality of life. I know that's impossible now. No matter how hard I work, how hard I fight, that's over. It's hard coming to terms with that. But if I had come to terms with it decades ago, I would've spared myself so much unncessary suffering for the profit of others. All I've got now are people taking potshots at me before I make the smartest decision of my life.

It's sad that I even tried, honestly. It's not like I didn't try. Being abandoned by my parents to a lifetime of violence and abuse, raising myself, teaching myself how to read and write, surviving kidnappings, grooming and abductions by pedophiles, life-threateningly violent moments, I somehow found a way to get through college, find work in an international corporation as a writer, put myself through law school, so on and so forth.

All I've got now is a destroyed life, mountains of debt, and not even a single decent memory I can bring up. All avenues of my future are burned to the ground, like I can see the truth of my life, and from decades ago, the earth was already salted. A sick joke I even tried.

I'm going to correct my worst mistake. It sucks I could never enjoy a single good day in my life. Sucks I could never enjoy companionship, sex, a single day of peace, anything like that. But I can't make the same mistake I made before, which is making an effort, because all it's done is land me here after 38 years of fucking hell on earth, with an even worse future looking forward.

Thanks for reading. Here's the second part where I make right what once went wrong.

Part 2

Rate my SN plan:

• LW SN. Unopened bottle, purchased a few months ago.
• Test purity same day by jabbing my finger and ensuring blood turns brown
• Use 25 mg in 3 50ml glasses. Tar the measurements on a portable scale so no contact with metal. Water measured out using measuring cup
• 12+ hour food fast, 2+ hour water fast
• Expecting a 6-8 hour period (quiet area with no chance of being found)
• Garbage can for the likelihood of yakking it up

Anything else? I don't have any of the additional materials, but it sounds like a lot of people barf it up anyway even with it. I have a high tolerance for pain anyway, so I'm sure I can find a way to keep it down for as long as possible. I'm killing myself, I'm not exactly expecting a comfort ride here.

As far as my will goes, I have a few ripped up shirts to give away, shitloads of debt, and I'd prefer my ashes to be dumped in a sewer grate.

Thanks!

 

[LiesAndLigatures]

One glaring issue: The dosage should be 25g (grams) per dose, not 25mg (milligrams).

I've heard a lot of good things about LW brand, and that is what I have in my kit.

Good luck, and peaceful travels.

 

[booray]

This is heartbreaking to read OP. I hope your journey is a peaceful one.

 

[Echo81]

If your 'LW' SN is what mine is, I'm glad to hear it is genuine. Did yours come in a plastic bottle as well? But also doesn't SN oxidize? Do you have a second bottle? I would not use the one you opened already. Will you CTB in a place alone in a room at home or will other people be around? Do you have an anti emetic? I do not. I have some similarities to your situation. Turning 40 in 4 months, MOUNTAINS of debt, especially after getting divorced. Really regret not ctb way younger because life keeps getting worse not better. I am 'alone' in a sense. Isolated from family and single/childless by choice. I do not want to be alone when I ctb so the closest I can get is my fellow suffering souls here on SS. By this point in my life I know I have to carry this action out. Whereever you are in your plan, love and light for your path.