Making it hard for you not to kill yourself: Strategic decision making to thwart strong survival instincts.

[Chronicillness]

I'm about to make a series of decisions in the next few days, and up and coming weeks that, if proven to be successful/or unsuccessful, it would make it immensely difficult for me to further resist the urge to kill myself (I've been contemplating suicide since age 12). My life is already over, but there's another step beyond life ruination that I am trying to take for myself. I've never been into self-sabotage, and I am not a masochist, not in the slightest, but my circumstances have changed dramatically over the last few months, and while I wish I could share my personal adversities with the community and vent cathartically about what has recently happened to me, my pride is making me reticent about the details.

I'm going "all-in," for a lack of a better term, and in the next few weeks a good or bad outcome would yield a life-altering result that should be the proverbial push over the edge that's needed for me to FINALLY push the big red "suicide" button on myself.

Have you guys ever encountered an opportunity before that is too crazy to be considered rationally, but if it just so happens to be that you're an embattled, and tormented suicidalist with very little to lose, that you enter in an agreement with yourself to take up the proposed crazy opportunity?

Some examples that I can think of: 1) Liquidating all of your belongings and withdrawing all of your savings and going to the casino to gamble it ALL. 2) Being the first person to test an experimental procedure or pharmaceutical drug. 3) Donating some of your organs for no other reason other than as a final philanthropic act.

I just consigned myself to an opportunity/agreement that will have serious life-altering ramifications. There will be no 50/50 chance of a "good" or "bad" outcome, the end result, no matter what it will be, will bring about my life's own personal apocalypse. I'm hoping that this decision that I have ALREADY made for myself, will be the deathknell for my ironclad survival instinct.

 

[Noctis]

Sorta. I've sabatoged my own life, trying to make it unbearable to stay. It didn't help me overcome SI, and now I'm stuck in this shitty life I've created for myself because I'm too much of a coward to end it.

So, make sure that this will overcome your SI before you continue. Because living the rest of your life with the decisions you make will just leave you more bitter and depressed than you were to begin with.

 

[Marktheghost]

Yes, be careful. What if it doesn't work in overcoming your survival instinct?

 

[Chronicillness]

Sorta. I've sabatoged my own life, trying to make it unbearable to stay. It didn't help me overcome SI, and now I'm stuck in this shitty life I've created for myself because I'm too much of a coward to end it.

So, make sure that this will overcome your SI before you continue. Because living the rest of your life with the decisions you make will just leave you more bitter and depressed than you were to begin with.

I'm storming the beaches of Normandy with this enormous magnitude of a decision. If I don't pull the trigger on myself after this experience, I will end up homeless and without any financial support whatsoever, as a first order of consequences. I will then experience a swift deterioration in physical health, due to a lack of carefully planned out illness-managing itinerary (something in which I must abide by religiously, everyday, or I will die). If I manage to remain alive during active physical degeneration, I will then be hobbling around the spit and shit tainted streets of the low-income feral environments near me. Not long thereafter, I will live to see my character disparaged on, and I will also witness all of my secrets spill out to people that I have been hiding things from for over a decade―and this outcome to me, would be the most devastating and unconscionable of them all.

You're not wrong though. My cowardice has shown no limits to what it will make me endure. I cannot pull back the throttle and heed to any warnings now. There's no looking back. I'm locked in.

 

[Noctis]

I'm storming the beaches of Normandy with this enormous magnitude of a decision. If I don't pull the trigger on myself after this experience, I will end up homeless and without any financial support whatsoever, as a first order of consequences. I will then experience a swift deterioration in physical health, due to a lack of carefully planned out illness-managing itinerary (something in which I must abide by religiously, everyday, or I will die). If I manage to remain alive during active physical degeneration, I will then be hobbling around the spit and shit tainted streets of the low-income feral environments near me. Not long thereafter, I will live to see my character disparaged on, and I will also witness all of my secrets spill out to people that I have been hiding things from for over a decade―and this outcome to me, would be the most devastating and unconscionable of them all.

You're not wrong though. My cowardice has shown no limits to what it will make me endure. I cannot pull back the throttle and heed to any warnings now. There's no looking back. I'm locked in.

It sounds like you've thought this through. In that case, godspeed soldier.

 

[PotSmokingSloth]

Well I'd at least want to maybe give money to a charity instead of casino. But if gambling is fun then I could see wanting to do that to enjoy spending the money lol