Discussion Making friends on this website.

[Wake]

Unfortunately, history shows that as much as I wish my presence in (anyone's) life made it better, that's not the case.

I was best friends with a certified therapist once (I know, I know, and she was never MY therapist)… the friendship ended when she told me, and I quote, " Every time I talk to you, I want to KMS a little more"…

Nobody else has been quite so blunt, but several have alluded that they feel the same.

No idea why I just typed all this…. Sorry random rabbit hole…

sadly I know what it's like but am a little different I know that if I talk about what my mind speaks to me people would start to feel bad and depressed not just that.. they may wish they were dead.

the first time i learned that is when i shared a thing with my mom and she cried about what i said just from how cold it sounded from that day on i made a promise to myself that i would never say what i want to with anyone which led me to become more depressed and lifeless

it may be a selfish advice but keep talking dude fuck what people say. you don't wanna act or keep things to yourself it will make things worse and don't say sorry about anything you simply just said what you wanted

 

[dynastickitten]

Sometimes, when interacting with someone on here, I feel like I'm watching a movie I've watched before in which the main character dies. There's this person, I see them as they are in the moment, alive and well, laughing with their friends, doing their little activities, but I know what's coming for them.

I try not to allow myself to get too attached. It IS their choice, I don't think its fair to come onto this site and oppose its greater purpose at every possible opportunity. But it is still sad.

 

[Abyssal]

I cannot go up to the few people I have in real life and ask them to keep me from going for it, but here it doesn't have to be said. Talking to people on here grounds me and keeps me going until I hit my date. It's a double edged sword though, hurting others.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I try not to make friendships on here or irl. It seems pointless since I can't connect with anyone for various reasons. Even the few people I have talked to doesn't feel like actual friendships most of the time. If it does feel like it has potential to be a genuine friendship I'll disappear though, just attachment issues I suppose.

Plus why make friends when you're going to die very soon anyway.

 

[Eternal Eyes]

I only really lurk here, and I don't really know anyone here, and yet, when I see threads of members having good days, or things improving for them, I find it uplifting. I think when you yourself and people you know have been in that place ( suicide, self harm) it gives you empathy and strong relatability for them. I'm glad I joined here.

 

[johann_liebert]

I don't actively look for people on here as it feels really weird meeting someone in the context of wanting to end your life and it would make me way to sad when the person then leaves. But I somehow got to know someone with whom I ended up being daily in contact and I'm really fortunate our paths crossed and I got to know such a great person in this later stage of life.

 

[Adûnâi]

that's why my goal is to die by the end of this month, so i wont have to get a job again & go back to being in society.

But have you considered that AI might abolish most jobs in a few years? Just checking, I don't really oppose suicide anyway, just think you might appreciate that idea.

 

[hikikomorizombie]

But have you considered that AI might abolish most jobs in a few years? Just checking, I don't really oppose suicide anyway, just think you might appreciate that idea.

hmmm. that wouldn't really affect me at all tbh. it'd prob make things worse for me actually bc then i'd have no way of getting the $ i need to live

 

[Adûnâi]

hmmm. that wouldn't really affect me at all tbh. it'd prob make things worse for me actually bc then i'd have no way of getting the $ i need to live

I dunno, AI optimists such as David Shapiro @ YouTube are insanely hopeful, such as humans achieving an indefinite lifespan by 2030 and so on. See, if I really believed both it and in the worthiness of human life, I would be extremely pissed at everyone killing themeselves right now... But I don't. Although it still gives me hope - which I do try to share sometimes. If the next two years don't bring up revolutionary changes, I will admit I got tricked. (Although of course, tricking other people should be none of my business.)

 

[Tokugawa_Yoshinobu]

I don't talk to many people here or have made many friends if any. But there are some users that I like even if we don't talk much or have never talked to each other, people that just seem smart and sensible.

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

Yes, the world is a shitty place..but as long as I can see beauty it makes it all a bit better

This is beautiful, and a reason why I'm so glad to have found this forum. I don't know how friendships might work in a global community, like this, but why the heck not :)

As I plan my ending, knowing there is 'a place' where I can be myself and express thoughts that most people won't understand - it gives me a lot of comfort. I haven't spent much time here, but to know that there are people here - that there is a 'place', makes the logistics part bearable. I know it's odd to meet people and even befriend others knowing we all don't want to be here, but I see it as finally, finally finding a sense of kinship and community - almost like we are waiting for grand orders and when we get our marching orders, we are released. If I had had friends or a community, I may have said. I don't think it will happen now. I have made peace with it. Chronic unending health problems are all about coming to peace and understanding of what won't happen.

Thinking about coming to peace: I remember watching news coverage of a famous musician who CTB; I was young but depressed at the time.The first thought I had was sadness because I knew I would never hear their music again, and it upset me because it gave me so much joy, and I was so devastated this person couldn't find the joy that I could find in their music.

The next thought. almost immediately? Lucky - they're free now. The aching in their head that wouldn't stop? They've escaped it. That will be me one day. I saw the news reports and so much crying. I did cry too, but I said to myself, that will be me one day. I was in such a bad depression I basically had to spend a summer withdrawing from meds and was under close watch to 'prevent anything from happening'. I got out of that depression eventually, but that 'good - finally free' feeling never left me. I did try for so long, but I'm done now. I feel such a sense of clarity and freedom to come back to that 'good - finally free' feeling from so long ago - my only true friend from the past, the truth. I'll be free soon. You will be too <3

 

[Subterran]

Unfortunately, history shows that as much as I wish my presence in (anyone's) life made it better, that's not the case.

I was best friends with a certified therapist once (I know, I know, and she was never MY therapist)… the friendship ended when she told me, and I quote, " Every time I talk to you, I want to KMS a little more"…

Nobody else has been quite so blunt, but several have alluded that they feel the same.

No idea why I just typed all this…. Sorry random rabbit hole…

Damn. That phrasing reminds me of the ending of The Beginner's Guide. It's not at all an unfamiliar feeling to me.

About a year ago, I lost a dear friend in a spat when he bottled feelings like that up, feelings that I was taking more from him than I was giving, and then he suddenly, violently decided to quit indulging me. It still feels like my fault, I guess because it is, but I wish I had had more warning. I had thought we were kindred because he'd dealt with so much SI himself.

My mother these days despairs and promises in no uncertain terms that she will have to kill herself, if ever I did. She tells me she doesn't want me to quit talking to her, but I feel like I'm dragging her down.

Another friend of mine, he's said, "Speaking with you now has become a source of dread in my life." But he doesn't want me to quit going to him for support, not one bit. I'm taking him up on that, but I'm handling him very gently.

If nothing else, it's interesting how varied people's responses are. People with SI bear a certain responsibility, it seems like, one that's entirely unappreciated by society at large, to limit the second-hand toxic byproducts of their affliction. No matter how maturely you communicate your pain, it will prove toxic to most people.

Still, I think not toxic to everybody. We (or at least I) want to vent it because it's cathartic. There are other people who feel the same, even people who aren't suicidal. Incompatibilities are not inherently your fault.

 

[Labyrinth]

This is beautiful, and a reason why I'm so glad to have found this forum. I don't know how friendships might work in a global community, like this, but why the heck not :)

As I plan my ending, knowing there is 'a place' where I can be myself and express thoughts that most people won't understand - it gives me a lot of comfort. I haven't spent much time here, but to know that there are people here - that there is a 'place', makes the logistics part bearable. I know it's odd to meet people and even befriend others knowing we all don't want to be here, but I see it as finally, finally finding a sense of kinship and community - almost like we are waiting for grand orders and when we get our marching orders, we are released. If I had had friends or a community, I may have said. I don't think it will happen now. I have made peace with it. Chronic unending health problems are all about coming to peace and understanding of what won't happen.

Thinking about coming to peace: I remember watching news coverage of a famous musician who CTB; I was young but depressed at the time.The first thought I had was sadness because I knew I would never hear their music again, and it upset me because it gave me so much joy, and I was so devastated this person couldn't find the joy that I could find in their music.

The next thought. almost immediately? Lucky - they're free now. The aching in their head that wouldn't stop? They've escaped it. That will be me one day. I saw the news reports and so much crying. I did cry too, but I said to myself, that will be me one day. I was in such a bad depression I basically had to spend a summer withdrawing from meds and was under close watch to 'prevent anything from happening'. I got out of that depression eventually, but that 'good - finally free' feeling never left me. I did try for so long, but I'm done now. I feel such a sense of clarity and freedom to come back to that 'good - finally free' feeling from so long ago - my only true friend from the past, the truth. I'll be free soon. You will be too <3

Beauty is my only relief.

 

[Old Friend]

To be fair, I'm not likeable enough for this to be a genuine issue for me.

 

[Argo]

I talk to a few people on here outside of the forums but I wonder if there is a point in making friends in a place where
everyone wants to die other than taking on another time numbing distraction. It's weird to want to die but also want to help
people when you hear about their problems. I don't know anymore.

I've wanted to help people since I was a little kid. 5 year old me would ask my mom for a dollar to give to homeless people. That's just deeply ingrained for me. But what I learned is that it's not as simple as just helping or wanting to. The road to hell is paved by good intentions. And very often, when you try to help, you will inevitably hurt people too. A lot of our desire for help is actually based on a discomfort of the suffering of another. It's that they are hurting and we also hurt, and if we make their hurt go away, we can feel better. It's hard to untangle the selfishness of it.

That leads to the other problem with helping people, which is intention. It's very hard to help in a non-egoic way. We're egoic beings, we're self-centered, we feel like the center of reality is what we are, in every moment. That's what our experience is like, that's why we suffer so much, it's like this black hole where the gravity of existence fixates on one point we call: " I "

Just consider what it's like to be reading this right now. This is a part of "your" experience. All day today has been nothing but "you you you", just as my day has been "me me me ". That's the problem.

So when we "try to help", are we doing it for the other person? Is it possible to help someone in a truly selfless way? Or are we sneaking in a motivation to feel good about ourselves?

This is also why, to address the main point of this thread, I don't think people can truly be "friends". It will always be a narrative in the context of ego. And this is why when your life turns to shit, or when you suffer to the point of being an inconvenience, people leave you, and why you leave people. We're not a good species because we're wired to hurt each other. We're not a good species and this is not a good world.

 

[Subterran]

I've wanted to help people since I was a little kid. 5 year old me would ask my mom for a dollar to give to homeless people. That's just deeply ingrained for me. But what I learned is that it's not as simple as just helping or wanting to. The road to hell is paved by good intentions. And very often, when you try to help, you will inevitably hurt people too. A lot of our desire for help is actually based on a discomfort of the suffering of another. It's that they are hurting and we also hurt, and if we make their hurt go away, we can feel better. It's hard to untangle the selfishness of it.

You're not wrong with how you describe it... but I'm also inclined to say, "So?"

I still think it's a beautiful thing when one person tethers their sense of (dis)comfort to that of another. There are different ways it can happen, and granted some of them are more shallow and superficial (and more likely to lead to perverse outcomes) than others: someone can give money to the homeless, simply because they fear some old writing in a book; someone can cheer a friend up, simply because they like to see smiles and not frowns; or someone can deeply, unconditionally value the happiness of another, no matter what form it might take, and earnestly seek to maximize it, along the way changing their perspective and theory of mind about the other person as needed.

That leads to the other problem with helping people, which is intention. It's very hard to help in a non-egoic way. We're egoic beings, we're self-centered, we feel like the center of reality is what we are, in every moment. That's what our experience is like, that's why we suffer so much, it's like this black hole where the gravity of existence fixates on one point we call: " I "


Just consider what it's like to be reading this right now. This is a part of "your" experience. All day today has been nothing but "you you you", just as my day has been "me me me ". That's the problem.

I think that's just loneliness-induced narcissism. I would know, anyway, because I feel it all the time, and I loathe it. However, when I really care about someone (whether for healthy or unhealthy reasons), it's not unusual for me to get lost in their perspective, make them the center of my reality for once.

This is also why, to address the main point of this thread, I don't think people can truly be "friends". It will always be a narrative in the context of ego. And this is why when your life turns to shit, or when you suffer to the point of being an inconvenience, people leave you, and why you leave people.

When you're an inconvenience period, people will leave you. Suffering doesn't have to be a part of it, although it is a common and cruel form that it takes. I think it's a fundamental aspect of (in)compatibility how resilient to suffering any given relationship is, and it's a responsibility of sufferers to learn how to read and navigate that, because heaven knows non-sufferers are pretty oblivious about it in general. We're always going to fail to some degree, but I think we can't blame ourselves every time.

We're not a good species because we're wired to hurt each other. We're not a good species and this is not a good world.

I believe the same, but it's an empowering feeling. We're fighting against the odds. We don't have to be judge ourselves against the standards of sainthood and perfection, and other people aren't always in the right. When we feel we are the ones in the right, we have to show them some mercy.

 

[pasho25000]

I am torn between recovery and leaving my mental illness gives me no respite

 

[Kobusu]

I think it's worth it making friends anywhere you can find them. We all, for the most part, under the implications of being on the site in the first place, so I wouldn't worry about hurting people. Just befriend who you befriend, and accept that one day they may go. That doesn't make their friendship less valuable or fulfilling.

 

[BlackMoon]

I don't seek friends anymore, even here. I can't have friends. I'm too scared of the reaction of people if I was myself. They would treat me like a monster. There's nothing more to say.

 

[hannila_m]

this. it's like meeting someone at a bus stop, eventually.... they gotta catch the bus.

what a great comparison! ....

 

[LonelyStarrySky]

I tried talking to a few people on here, but nobody wants to be my friend, not even here, I just can't get anyone who wishes to even talk to me ever. Because they are always busy or just try to avoid me.

 

[aGoodDayToDie]

I'm desperate to make friends here and then talk outside if SS. I need people who understand. Particularly anyone from the UK.

Please, please do DM me if you're interested, we can then swap details and talk outside SS where it's more convenient.

We can both vent, offer support and companionship through our struggles.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

During my time on SS, I have encountered people I can relate to on such a profound level, it's almost as though we have lived the same lives, in some ways. There are people here who have written things I could have said myself, and it's the only place I've felt truly understood. At one point, I forged friendships, some fleeting and some longer lasting.

It always had a profound impact, when those I grew to care for died. Of course, I understood. How could I not? But there is always a part of me that wishes for things to improve for people, that hopes for a miracle in even in most dire situations. There are loved ones who passed who have left an indelible imprint. People I cherish, adore and dearly miss.

Additionally, I miss a number of people I used to regularly communicate with and think of them often. However, these days I tend to keep to myself (aside from writing posts on the public forum occasionally). Not only because of the pain of loss, and the knowledge that those who cross my path here may not be here to stay. But also because I don't want to let others down or hurt them, either by not being able to provide the level of care and support I would like to give and that they truly deserve, or by one day taking my own life, after someone has grown attached.

That said, it is difficult to not want to reach out to those who resonate with us and that's a very natural desire. To strive for that sense of community or connection. I often find myself still becoming invested in people here, even if I've never chatted with them privately. SS is very unique from other forms of social media in that posts are often unfiltered, uncensored, very raw and extremely personal. It's hard not to become invested in their circumstances and stories, and I think to do so is simply a part of being human.
Perhaps by limiting communication, I am being avoidant and cowardly (only referring to myself here to be clear, not anyone else who chooses to keep their distance), and unable to face the fact that some level of emotional involvement in people here is an inevitability for me.

We have to weigh up the pros and cons and decide for ourselves whether to establish and sustain connections here. It's a judgement call only we can make. Either choice is understandable.