Discussion Main Reason you want to Die?

[moodygrl]

Like sbd already said I just dont want to do anything. Seriously in the aphaty zone. No short term or long term wishes for anything at all. Nobody and nothing can make me happy and I do have people around me who try to help.
Im a failure, I graduated academy of fine arts and hate drawing and painting - instead of learning the skills In the studio I had problems with anxiety, but still somehow finnished, not to forget its completely useles. For years i was involved in projects doing workshops for children and had the idea to do art therapy course later. But that was an illusion.

3 years ago my mental health deteriorated. That was before my diagnosis. That time I quit my job which was in retail and on black market . I had not long ago had a fight at the art workshops I was doing over unfair circumstances. I applied to employement centre and got wellfare and moved in with my parents. With much time on my hands I decided to help an artist - farmer on his hemp farm. Was cool for a while, we also had others come over and smoke some weed, drank some beer and wine. I started becoming different, very happy, full of energy to work and to laugh, waking up really early and feeling unstoppale(warning sign).
Then a proffesor of mine appeared one evening and brought drinks and food and started to tell me slowly how hes a mason (its true, as he showed me some documents). He also predicted my future to be very bright and succesul. I was intrigued by his stories of the world beyond. He just appeared in the right time as I was needing to make a new sense for my life. With the time I started meeting with him for excursions to lecture me on occult and with my energy so high I managerd doing a couple od of workshops for unemployed people at the same time. All this to be running away as much as possible from my parents, who were concerned for my future.(they never knew about the thing with the prof wich became an affair)
I was becoming slowly more and more time involved with him over the phone and irl and he was pumping up my ego and telling me everybody else were losers. All that combined with my hypomamia, weed and alcohol made me behave in a mamner that was burning bridges with other people. And at some point I became depresseed and suicidal.
I attempted suicide at my parents house which then started the cycle of therapy.
I never told them the truth in therapy as I didnt want anymody to be blamed. They tested me and told me Im schizoid. When in therapy I was not being my normal self but severely numb and unrespomssive, always waiting for peoples time to run out so I can hide. And this is what Im doing now after thee years, after a full blown mania I went through last year.

whoah that really lied on my chest. Never told a soul about the beginning of my bipolar story.

Anyways, looking back on my naive and stupid self makes me sick and cringe. Theres a lot more of shit Ive done but I
dont want to be too long.

 

[StateOfMind]

Ostracism and deliberately being marginalized by society. I get mobbed and harassed at every job I take on, this makes me unable to work and having to rely on government benefits. No social life really and thats just for starters, there many more reasons but you probably wouldn't believe me.

 

[moodygrl]

Ostracism and deliberately being marginalized by society. I get mobbed and harassed at every job I take on, this makes me unable to work and having to rely on government benefits. No social life really and thats just for starters, there many more reasons but you probably wouldn't believe me.

this is the last place we will judge you. what are your other reasons? hugs

 

[StateOfMind]

this is the last place we will judge you. what are your other reasons? hugs

I've been betrayed by family and "friends" on a level that may be difficult fathom and indirectly forced into social isolation.

 

[ghostgirl99]

the reasons are infinite

 

[moodygrl]

I've been betrayed by family and "friends" on a level that may be difficult fathom and indirectly forced into social isolation.

that sounds sad. I felt like that before, but now I just think it was all my fault, and I cant trust myself. Sure out situations are different, Im not comparing us, just trying to relate.

 

[Outsider]

No hope for better future and I dont want to suffer anymore. Health problems, being unable to work, depression, social anxiety, lack of support group.

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

My stupidity.

Same.

 

[return-nil]

living is a Sisyphean task. it's complete and total madness. It's an endless mind numbing stream of arbitrary hoops to jump through. nothing can be truely explained and there's no reason to any of it - why bother

youll be a mule to society until you are crushed under its weight

 

[lostangel]

Mine changes every now and again but the main reason is bad mental health and being too damn soft for this world. I just can't handle my emotions, I'm too mentally weak. I can't keep living and being weak.

 

[codewarrior]

Fought for years failed finally in every aspect, Can fight back but health is too degrading and could not recover.

 

[Rue89]

Anxiety has become unbearable. I can't work, I can't do simple things without freaking out inside. I barely enjoy anything anymore. I'm a fuckup. I can't do anything right.

 

[KleinerWolf]

Rue, you are not a fuckup, and I don't agree with you saying you cant do anything right.
I believe things like anxiety which we experience are caused by underlying issues.

I'd like to think it takes time and prolonged strength to battle it out.
You are most definitely not alone because I can relate to how you feel.

*Sending hugs your way.*

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

Suicide has been my escape plan many times in my life since when I started dating, at 24. At the beginning it was mainly the feeling of being trapped in a situation that was difficult to overcome in a short time: a bad sentimental delusion that was keeping me anxious, severe parents, endless days spent in silence without friends.
This happened even other times, later. And it was always related to that feeling of impotence in front of something that was so wrong, it was making me suffer and I could not change. A failed job interview, or being dismissed from a lover that started dating someone else I knew.

But all those times it was only a transient of a few months and I always managed to react by enjoying other freedoms that life could give: learning a new sport, reaching a new goal at work, improving my shape, ..

But 4 years ago I feel in the hands of the nastiest person. Even if I expressed my depression, my loneliness and my fear for diseases when dating someone, he reassured me on all those things. One night he lured me, drugged me and infected me.

Now I live with an incurable disease that is getting worst year by year and it has poor medications. All the things that helped me to overcome my depression can't help me anymore. I can't stay in the sun, I can't do much sport, or get too much stressed, I can't do anything that triggers my social anxiety. Or the disease will show its ugly face again and remember me that I'm not allowed to escape from this prison.

Once again: for me, suicide thought are triggered by a unbearable condition that I cannot change with my own will.

 

[MsConners]

So far I don't but I'm pragmatic. I always saw suicide as a valid option, as a last alternative if everything becomes too painful. I've been through some crappy things and survived. Eating disorders, an extremely toxic family environment, a somewhat crippling social anxiety.. I've leaned to cope (more or less) with all that and managed to create a (more or less) perfect bubble where I can be ok. I consider myself incredibly lucky. So lucky some would even question what in hell am I doing here. I know this:

1 - nothing lasts forever and I like to cover my bases. I'm a planner. I need to know how to do this smoothly in case I need.
2 - I know things outside my perfect bubble are awful. The amount of pain and cruelty out there is something I cannot fix or get use to. If someone completely bursts my bubble I think I'd rather die. And yes, every now and then the bubble is less thicker..

 

[whitetea]

PTSD, BPD, constant flash backs, hatred of myself and my looks / body. Unable to sustain healthy romantic relationships because I'm convinced all I'm worth is abuse and hate. Chronic emptiness and loneliness. Never having achieved anything at all worthwhile. And an underlying sense of just not fitting in or belonging anywhere.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

Anxiety has become unbearable. I can't work, I can't do simple things without freaking out inside. I barely enjoy anything anymore. I'm a fuckup. I can't do anything right.

I've been there too. My advice: try to find things that can show how precious you are and useful to others. There are many things that you can master in life; and once you master one of those, people will start being proud of you and your ego will be stronger.
Learn little by little; and when you are confident enough of a goal that you have reached, set a more ambitious goal.
No matter how insecure we are; people that have something to teach can always get the respect of others.
Some examples? If you are anxious. you can learn something that does not require to be with other people at first.

Learn a very technical sport: swimming, rollerblading, gym/calisthenics, ... You will then find other people that will admire what you have achieved.
Learn something that you can easily share, like cooking.
Or painting, drawing.

Once people start to acknowledge you, your anxiety will become more bearable.

 

[sufferingalways]

The constant abuse, by organisations there to help people solve their difficulties. sleep deprivation caused by a problem the landlord refuse to fix. been ongoing since 2yrs now. sleep deprivation got me feeling this way. I'm a wreck. brain damage, isolation (before the covid-19). I have kept trying to fight back but there's always some a-hole who has kicked me back down in the dungeons again. Now feel hopeless if no healing from childhood long abuse, and c-ptsd possible (as no sleep allowed .. the cycle goes on and on).

 

[Natsu Suki]

I'm useless, all I'm good for is being a hikikomori who goes to work returns home and contributes nothing to anyone. I've never had a relationship, to say I mean nothing to anyone so no one would miss me.

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

sleep deprivation caused by a problem the landlord refuse to fix.

This happened to me too, once: a noise from the attic above, that kept me awake every night. Even in my actual apartment, I got cheated by saying that it was a quiet place. Noise from the streets and noise from the fridge are waking me up. I use ear plugs now.

What is happening in your case? There might be legal ways to find an agreement. If not, can you rent another place?

 

[BPD Barbie]

Mental illness (BPD and Bipolar), childhood sexual abuse, trauma, financial constraints, no job, no social life etc etc etc. It's probably easier and quicker to list the reasons why I want to live as there are so few in comparison to why I want to die.

 

[Annastesia]

Mental illness (BPD and Bipolar), childhood sexual abuse, trauma, financial constraints, no job, no social life etc etc etc. It's probably easier and quicker to list the reasons why I want to live as there are so few in comparison to why I want to die.

i too suffer from BPD. immensely. I have been lurking on this site just under a year but with recent events am close. If you ever want to chat I'd love that

 

[BPD Barbie]

i too suffer from BPD. immensely. I have been lurking on this site just under a year but with recent events am close. If you ever want to chat I'd love that

Absolutely, any time you wanna have a chat let me know. Always good to talk to fellow sufferers and equally good to know we don't suffer alone

 

[Annastesia]

Absolutely, any time you wanna have a chat let me know. Always good to talk to fellow sufferers and equally good to know we don't suffer alone

i am going to send you a pm. I've just been granted access.

 

[Makethispaingo]

Family and friends think I live such a perfect life - my own home, stable job, financially independent. They don't see that it's all just a distraction for me from my personal failures. Material things don't repair emotional trauma. (divorce at a young age, suicide in family, domestic and emotional abuse)
When you try talking to them or reaching out for help you get told to stop asking for a pity party... the reasons for wanting peace are endless

 

[Squiddy]

Reasons I want to die are because I feel incompetent, have a bad memory, have a hard time articulating myself verbally and having mental illness (BPD, Bipolar and anxiety),

 

[astro]

Mental illness mainly. I think the fact that my life before mental illness was so great and could have been even greater (was only 17 when I got sick) makes it a lot worse as it is infinitely frustrating to think about what would and could have been. Recovery has also been going terribly and I'm basically out of options in that department.

 

[SerialFailer]

Autism, mental illness since I was 11, enjoying nothing and being useless. Life's just bad to me. Didn't help that all the effort I put in my life returned nothing, and I ended up even worse after trying really hard to make friends and meeting the wrong people.

 

[sufferingalways]

This happened to me too, once: a noise from the attic above, that kept me awake every night. Even in my actual apartment, I got cheated by saying that it was a quiet place. Noise from the streets and noise from the fridge are waking me up. I use ear plugs now.

What is happening in your case? There might be legal ways to find an agreement. If not, can you rent another place?

Hello there, thank you for replying. Sorry to hear you had this problem too. Sounds ditto to what I was told "you two are the only ones hearing it" - me and house mate (27 yrs friends).

In my case there's a whistle somewhere in mains water. If you imagine a fax machine, then increase the pitch til it cuts head .. that's how this is. Non stop. I don't want to sound like a quitter but I can't get out of bed until very late due to physical exhaustion, and would prefer to get this problem fixed as it's a legal obligation by the social landlord. I'm in England and there's now a law - The Homes Act 2019 which means tenants in Housing Association, council (me), and private rented sector can get a court order to enforce the action of repair. This is part of the Right to Repair which is listed as official data on the Council's own website (sorely tempted to name and shame them .. even on my blog .. but not sure the legal backlash that could result before I ask someone who knows libel law).

I rather get this fixed and stay put because this flat is otherwise very nice! This area has been going down hill but somehow I have ways of dealing with the bad people, and they don't seem to cause me grief. (sorry for all the detail! not sure all of this will be relevant)

Thank you for asking about my situation. How did you get yours resolved? I wear ear plugs too. washable ones but this is high pitch and is impossible to mask. I can't use white noise machine because I'm a quiet person and of course how else would a quiet person sleep? (I know and respect that others are different, but quiet is my way).
Bless you.

Reasons I want to die are because I feel incompetent, have a bad memory, have a hard time articulating myself verbally and having mental illness (BPD, Bipolar and anxiety),

Hi there, sorry to hear you feel incompetent. I have a bad memory too, and hard time articulating myself also. I suffer with complex trauma so you're definitely not alone with how you feel. **sitting with you** - if that's okay?

 

[My_name_is_Luka]

I rather get this fixed and stay put because this flat is otherwise very nice!

I understand your point. You don't want to spoil the relation with your landlord. That has always been the same for me; when you are a meek person, you always suffer because of dishonest or dominant people. And the sense of injustice overwhelms you.

Anyway you can try asking again, politely. Maybe by saying that some other friends witnessed the noise and that by law the landlord has to make repairs to what produces noise that disturb sleep (but not sure if there is something like that. Usually there is a law about the maximum tolerable noise). The law about repair might apply only if something is not functional.. And you might want to keep an eye on the market, if something interesting gets available.. But try not to suffer passively from that situation; it will ruin your mental health.

In my case I didn't get it resolved; the noise from the street cannot be changed and the fridge is built into a furniture, so I can't move it in another place. I'm a totally honest and reserved person and I find it hard to deal with people that care only for their benefit. In the city where I live (germany) landlords rule, due to high demand; the prices are extremely high and most of the apartments on the market are either crazy expensive or awful. The real estate market is so congested that it took me months to find an apartment. Before I was taking single rooms for short times at crazy prices from people that were sub-renting them illegally; I had to sleep on the worst mattresses ever, either with springs in my back, or on extremely soft foam, or hard sofas :(
I'm not in a very good health lately, so i would suffer if i had to move all my stuff in another apartment. For now I use ear plugs.

But I totally understand your feeling of being cheated