Story Made the big times

[Sickman75]

Yo what's good? 43 year old male. I've always been keen about suicide. Always thought about it as a back up plan of some sort . Early on in my child hood I always would say that I would just kill myself or something to that effect. I've never acomplished anything of importance. I've quit every job I've had or been fired from them, I never really gave a fuck about too much of anything to be honest. I've had good times in some years but nothing that blew me back or anything. I have a daughter who is 11. I love her more than anything. She lives with me part time I have custody half of the time. Other than that, I'd care fucking less what anybody thought, said, did, planned,or anything that I came up with.

I'm on some serious medications. They control me. They fuck with my head and I don't feel right on them, but I know if I don't take them I become a real dick bag and I don't want my kids to to see that side of me. I want my daughter to be happy that's my ultimate goal here. Nothing more and nothing less. Her well being. I don't want her to find my body if I do this. But I'm afraid she might. I'm worried about how this will mind fuck her for the rest of her life, if I do this.

I haven't decided if I am or not. But if I do, I will hang my self in my garage from a rafter. Kick the ladder away and swing till I don't move. I just fear for her well being and I don't know how to continue on knowing that she will in fact suffer.
So not only am I a piece of garbage now, I will be a piece of garbage dead as well. I wish I knew of a way around this. Maybe that's why I registered today, maybe get some insight or some ideas about this. I believe in an afterlife as well .Some sort of life after this life. Maybe a resetting of some sort .maybe a redo. Who knows. God only knows. I just wanted to type out where I'm at with some things. I love my girl to death, but I'm afraid of my consequences will put her in jeopardy. Naturally I have other reasons as to why I'm contemplating all of this and I may share that at some point but not right now. I just want my daughter safe and happy. That's all I give a shit about. Nothing more and nothing less. Here well being is my priority.
Sorry if this is long. It's just the way it goes.

 

[Memento Mori]

I'm worried about how this will mind fuck her for the rest of her life, if I do this.

I haven't decided if I am or not. But if I do, I will hang my self in my garage from a rafter.

I'd rather have an alive "dick bag" father stopping to take pharmaceuticals than a father hanging in his garage I think.
Do you want to stop taking them or are you going to ctb anyways? Your text doesn't sound like there's an option to live to have your daughter safe and happy.

 

[Kyrok]

I think a father's suicide when 11 will be extremely damaging.

Maybe develop a narrative about being diagnosed with cancer. Fill out the details, let it seep in for some months. Have everyone the two of you know believing it.

Maybe that would make your suicide less damaging for her.

 

[leaps]

Have you tried switching medications?

 

[Sickman75]

I'd rather have an alive "dick bag" father stopping to take pharmaceuticals than a father hanging in his garage I think.
Do you want to stop taking them or are you going to ctb anyways? Your text doesn't sound like there's an option to live to have your daughter safe and happy.

no im staying on them all the way up till I decide when. I just haven't decided if yet. that's the whole issue.

 

[Sickman75]

I think a father's suicide when 11 will be extremely damaging.

Maybe develop a narrative about being diagnosed with cancer. Fill out the details, let it seep in for some months. Have everyone the two of you know believing it.

Maybe that would make your suicide less damaging for her.

that's not a bad idea. suicide isn't an easy option at times.

 

[Sickman75]

Have you tried switching medications?

ya and these actually work the best. im really satisfied with them. keeps me really level.

 

[TheCrow]

My mom's father commited suicide when she was a child. She always says she feels like he didn't love her enough to stay. She said she had to make Father's Day things in class and it made her feel sad and embarrassed.

I would say try as hard as you can to stay for your daughter's sake. But if you can't, I feel like it's your life, you get to choose when you want to cross over to the other side.

 

[Sickman75]

This decision will forever change everything and everyone'' life outcome. That's the bad part about this decision. I'm in constant hell inside pretending to be somebody else on the outside, and I can't continue doing this much longer. I just can't. I just don't want her to suffer.

 

[TheCrow]

I am so terribly sorry. You are clearly in so much pain. Whatever you choose to do, I hope that you are finally able to find peace.

 

[Sickman75]

Thank you. I don't even know what to do really. I can go tie off right now and be done with everything in 30 minutes, but how will this even help her out knowing her dad took the exit way out by hanging himself in the garage. She will never be the same again afterwords. I'm tormented with inner pain that has been with me since I was young kid. She is at an age probably when I started thinking about suicide. This isnt even acceptable really. I just know her life will be fucked up as a result of this decision.

 

[goxua]

I'm 43, as well but with three kids (19, 15 and 4) and like you I've battled personal demons since primary school. I'm diagnosed bipolar II but unmedicated. I fight daily battles on the ethics of suicide as a parent of young children, on top of all the rest. Just another war unto myself.

 

[Sickman75]

It's not an easy task goxua. It's hard being trapped on a daily basis. Eventually you get to a point and realize you finally painted yourself into a corner with everything. I understand exactly where your coming from. I wish I could give you some sort of advice but as you can see, I have none to give.