MeowWantsToGoHome
Missing the Moon 🌙
- Sep 11, 2024
- 31
Hey guys,
Just in advance, y'all are free to express whatever opinions about me you please. I'm going to admit some pretty crappy things, but I guess judgment just doesn't really matter to me anymore.
Starting off, I'm female and (almost) 23. I've been severely depressed pretty much as long as I can remember. I've always been unmedicated for a mixed bag of other mental illnesses, as well. I have debilitating anxiety that's so bad I can't work. Oh, also I'm AuDHD and I feel like an actual alien among humans 100% of the time.
I won't lie, regardless of my own headspace, I have a truly blessed life. I live with my boyfriend's family who love me to death and my boyfriend works full-time as a CNA to support me. I have a dad and a little sister who are pretty much my only close blood family who I love very much. My mom's a shithead and I DNI with her.
For the most part, I've been able to keep my depression and suicidal ideation to a fairly passive degree, but it flares up bad every now and again. Lately it seems like it just won't go away. I've never felt like I belong here on this planet. There's a YouTuber called ito can't sleep who summarized it pretty well, like… you feel like you have to be from somewhere else—like an alien from another world—to justify your sense of not belonging, because otherwise it just means you're broken. Me, personally, I feel like I just… want to return to the stars, I guess. Like there's someplace else out there for me where I would finally feel at home.
I've attempted multiple times in the past, or at least done violence against myself. Pills, cutting, asphyxiation… probably a myriad of other things I've done and just pushed out of my memory. I've only recently gotten serious about researching a method that I'm most interested in and that would be the easiest for me. I'm pretty confident in my ability to carry it out, and I could pretty much do so at any time now. The only thing stopping me is, well… technically two things:
1) I'm scared of death. My survival instinct is pretty damn high and, of course, there's the fear of what it'll feel like and what comes after. Typical song and dance that I think most of us deal with.
2) People love me. A lot. And I honestly couldn't tell you why.
I cope with my depression through dark humor a lot and I make a few "kms" jokes here and there. Well, literally just today, my boyfriend admitted how much it bothered him that I keep "joking" that I won't make it to 30 and he walled me into making a promise that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself. I kind of just stayed silent for awhile until he started telling me all about how much everyone loved me, how he needed me to stay by his side for support, truly doesn't know what he'd do without me…
…So I promised him with my fingers crossed because I just… didn't know what else to do. I know it doesn't make it right and that's such a kindergarten thing to do, but it was all I could think of. I wanted to just outright tell him that I wouldn't make him a promise I couldn't keep. Too late now. He knows about my depression and all of my trauma and everything. I'm nearly a completely open book with him.
I really just don't get it. I'm a parasite. I don't pull my own weight financially, and I don't even consider myself a pleasant person to keep around. I'm quiet and I keep to myself and I prefer nobody to even know I exist if I can help it. I'm shy. I just want to stay out of the way. I don't understand why he doesn't think he'd just be better off without me. He's such an amazing guy, he could easily find someone successful, someone who actually had ambition and drive and could function as a normal human being. I can't. I've never been that way.
And now I've gone and fucked up yet again, because I know I'm not long for this world. I know for a fact I can't keep that stupid fucking promise. And that's what he'll get for everything he's done for me is the biggest slap in the face ever?
Why can't people just hate me? Why can't they just not care if I live or die? At this point, the fear of death isn't even what's mainly keeping me around, I'm whittling that down every single day. It's the fact that I'd hurt so many people… But I'm also hurting and I matter, too. Why is there no option C? Why is there only stay or go? I wish my soul could leave my body and let some other soul in so that my body could keep living without "me."
There's no guilt-free death for me. There's no easy way out no matter how I spin it. I'm trapped somewhere I don't want to be and it's tearing me apart.
I feel like I'm going to attempt soon, and if I do, I'd better make sure I get it right because I could never look him in the eyes again if I failed. At least if I'm dead, so too dies the feeling of guilt. It won't be my problem.
I hate myself so much for saying this… I am a terrible person and a waste of breath and space. I wish I could just fall asleep tonight and never open my eyes again.
Just in advance, y'all are free to express whatever opinions about me you please. I'm going to admit some pretty crappy things, but I guess judgment just doesn't really matter to me anymore.
Starting off, I'm female and (almost) 23. I've been severely depressed pretty much as long as I can remember. I've always been unmedicated for a mixed bag of other mental illnesses, as well. I have debilitating anxiety that's so bad I can't work. Oh, also I'm AuDHD and I feel like an actual alien among humans 100% of the time.
I won't lie, regardless of my own headspace, I have a truly blessed life. I live with my boyfriend's family who love me to death and my boyfriend works full-time as a CNA to support me. I have a dad and a little sister who are pretty much my only close blood family who I love very much. My mom's a shithead and I DNI with her.
For the most part, I've been able to keep my depression and suicidal ideation to a fairly passive degree, but it flares up bad every now and again. Lately it seems like it just won't go away. I've never felt like I belong here on this planet. There's a YouTuber called ito can't sleep who summarized it pretty well, like… you feel like you have to be from somewhere else—like an alien from another world—to justify your sense of not belonging, because otherwise it just means you're broken. Me, personally, I feel like I just… want to return to the stars, I guess. Like there's someplace else out there for me where I would finally feel at home.
I've attempted multiple times in the past, or at least done violence against myself. Pills, cutting, asphyxiation… probably a myriad of other things I've done and just pushed out of my memory. I've only recently gotten serious about researching a method that I'm most interested in and that would be the easiest for me. I'm pretty confident in my ability to carry it out, and I could pretty much do so at any time now. The only thing stopping me is, well… technically two things:
1) I'm scared of death. My survival instinct is pretty damn high and, of course, there's the fear of what it'll feel like and what comes after. Typical song and dance that I think most of us deal with.
2) People love me. A lot. And I honestly couldn't tell you why.
I cope with my depression through dark humor a lot and I make a few "kms" jokes here and there. Well, literally just today, my boyfriend admitted how much it bothered him that I keep "joking" that I won't make it to 30 and he walled me into making a promise that I wouldn't do anything to hurt myself. I kind of just stayed silent for awhile until he started telling me all about how much everyone loved me, how he needed me to stay by his side for support, truly doesn't know what he'd do without me…
…So I promised him with my fingers crossed because I just… didn't know what else to do. I know it doesn't make it right and that's such a kindergarten thing to do, but it was all I could think of. I wanted to just outright tell him that I wouldn't make him a promise I couldn't keep. Too late now. He knows about my depression and all of my trauma and everything. I'm nearly a completely open book with him.
I really just don't get it. I'm a parasite. I don't pull my own weight financially, and I don't even consider myself a pleasant person to keep around. I'm quiet and I keep to myself and I prefer nobody to even know I exist if I can help it. I'm shy. I just want to stay out of the way. I don't understand why he doesn't think he'd just be better off without me. He's such an amazing guy, he could easily find someone successful, someone who actually had ambition and drive and could function as a normal human being. I can't. I've never been that way.
And now I've gone and fucked up yet again, because I know I'm not long for this world. I know for a fact I can't keep that stupid fucking promise. And that's what he'll get for everything he's done for me is the biggest slap in the face ever?
Why can't people just hate me? Why can't they just not care if I live or die? At this point, the fear of death isn't even what's mainly keeping me around, I'm whittling that down every single day. It's the fact that I'd hurt so many people… But I'm also hurting and I matter, too. Why is there no option C? Why is there only stay or go? I wish my soul could leave my body and let some other soul in so that my body could keep living without "me."
There's no guilt-free death for me. There's no easy way out no matter how I spin it. I'm trapped somewhere I don't want to be and it's tearing me apart.
I feel like I'm going to attempt soon, and if I do, I'd better make sure I get it right because I could never look him in the eyes again if I failed. At least if I'm dead, so too dies the feeling of guilt. It won't be my problem.
I hate myself so much for saying this… I am a terrible person and a waste of breath and space. I wish I could just fall asleep tonight and never open my eyes again.
