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Wyldfyre4948

Wyldfyre4948

Waiting for my bus
Jul 12, 2023
377
I've used FB to vent about life and occasionally will share memes ranging from depressing to funny. There have been a couple posts that I'd gone into some of the dark stuff that is beating me down. Figured I was being smart blocking family from seeing it. For the past few months nobody has batted an eye so I started to consider it kinda safe to vent. Of course I've now had 2 people reach out to me about what I'm dealing with. One person I went to elementary school with and haven't seen in a lifetime. She messaged me in private telling me I should seek help. The other is a nice woman I met a few years back, but we haven't spoken in awhile either. Again I was told I need help and that I know I need it.
Told both of them my situation doesn't really allow me to seek help. Let them know that my therapist dropped me when I was in crisis and that I lack funds and transportation to get a replacement. Not really interested in getting a new therapist or other clown to talk to. I've accepted my demons will only die when I do, and I don't really want to fight anymore.
The only way I'd be interested in continuing is either if my wife came back, or I was on a strong enough medication to dissociate from everything. If I could just stop feeling emotions maybe I could bare to go on. As it is I feel everything so much and bad memories are on repeat.
Therapy doesn't work for me and I think they're full of shit. The medication doesn't work for me either. Tried to have my dr refill my klonopin, but the hospital shrink prescribed it so my dr wouldn't fill it without a visit. No car and I can't afford to Uber so no Dr appointments for me (thankfully I can have groceries delivered). This will get interesting when he wants to see me to okay more of my antidepressants.
I'm very tempted to stop taking my bp meds too. If I have a heart attack or stroke maybe it'll take care of my troubles. What is give to find out I have a terminal disease. There wouldn't be anyone to blame when I die and everyone can just go on ignoring me.
Saturday will be 3 months since I lost my cat who was like my kid. It's also the 13th anniversary of my grandfather's death. As it is my anxiety, depression, and insomnia are still through the roof. Probably working on a brand new ulcer as I wait for the other shoe to drop. For now I'm appeasing my family and coworkers with my "progress."
They get texts or other updates about the food I'm cooking and I'll send pictures of the steak or chicken I made for dinner. Little things to make them think everything is fine despite the fact I gave up already. Being cut off from almost everyone and not having anyone to confide in has beaten. I've become a shut in of sorts because I don't have a car. As much as I'd like to go out I can't because there's nothing worth going out for. Financially, mentally, and physically I'm struggling, but I try to put on a brave face for those close to me.
As much as I'd like to come out on top I'm pretty sure I'll lose like I always do. At least I accepted it. Maybe my prayers will be answered and I won't wake up one of these days.
 
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Passersby

Passersby

Trapped in space and time
Aug 29, 2019
1,613
Sorry to hear about the situation. I made that mistake 1 time of letting my guard down too after being on here for a while and sharing with someone irl and she blew up. It was a big mistake. I would never do it again. So I know what you mean by opening up in the wrong situation or to the wrong people. They love to say things like you need help etc. It's great to have this space where people understand suffering and the need to die as a human right unlike in the real world where most love to shut down any conversation about dying and just go on drinking there Starbucks. Being trapped is a terrible thing and I hate that you lost your cat. I hope things can come around for you. 🤗
 
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Captive_Mind515

Captive_Mind515

King or street sweeper, dance with grim reaper!
Jul 18, 2023
433
People reaching out suggesting you need "help" are invariably just enforcing the current paradigm in society, that says we can never give up no matter how desperate the situation. We must continue struggling and suffering - even if there's no realistic end in sight. Whether these people know that's what they're doing or not, is irrelevant really. Some are well meaning of course and others are just placating people. Unfortunately, we live in a society where suffering is largely seen as being the lesser of two evils when compared with a peaceful death. Our bias towards life, means even a miserable life is preferable to the alternative. It's truly messed up. Society's fear of death makes us force endless suffering on people, even people who have a better and more mature perspective on death than the general population. It's sick and illogical behaviour.
 
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strawb12

strawb12

-
Mar 26, 2023
185
Your situation sounds really rough, I'm sorry you have to go through all of that every day. You're another great example that some problems can be permanent, or near permanent at least. & a permanent solution might not be the right one for everybody but at the end of the day its still a solution. Hope the best for you whether thats ctbing or finding another therapist.
 
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Reactions: Praestat_Mori
FuneralCry

FuneralCry

She wished that she never existed...
Sep 24, 2020
35,131
I agree that it doesn't really sound like the best idea venting on there as sadly so many people in this anti-suicide society refuse to accept suicide as a valid option. It's tiresome how they repeat those empty words just get "help", when in reality nobody is obligated to continue suffering in this existence until they die anyway.
 
dialogos

dialogos

Experienced
Jul 5, 2023
266
People reaching out suggesting you need "help" are invariably just enforcing the current paradigm in society, that says we can never give up no matter how desperate the situation. We must continue struggling and suffering - even if there's no realistic end in sight. Whether these people know that's what they're doing or not, is irrelevant really. Some are well meaning of course and others are just placating people. Unfortunately, we live in a society where suffering is largely seen as being the lesser of two evils when compared with a peaceful death. Our bias towards life, means even a miserable life is preferable to the alternative. It's truly messed up. Society's fear of death makes us force endless suffering on people, even people who have a better and more mature perspective on death than the general population. It's sick and illogical behaviour.
Well OK, for a few, what you say is real. The problem is, most people never get any kind of help, at all. Which is way worse.
 

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