Story Mad Musings of the Mind: Anger and Urges

[Seered Doom]

I want to start on an emotion I know a little bit too much of; anger. How does my anger actually feel within me, or should I say all of me. The answer to that may surprise you. My anger is something I try to suppress a ton, yet it still shows no matter what. Anything I do to shut it down, it still remains no matter how much I hate it existing. I tend to think of it as like the weather. On a normal day, it's cloudy, like overcast, but mostly just fine. On a good day, the clouds allow the sky to slowly have some room. On a bad day, it's a storm of some type, depending on my emotion. If I'm sad, then it's like rain which can rage into a flood. If I'm distant, it's like snow which can make even Antarctica look like child's play. If I'm jealous or bitter, the lightning storm arrives that can make anyone hide inside because of how fast and hard it flashes. When I start raising my voice, it's like the wind that can make a tornado/cyclone if I'm not careful with my word choices.

If you were to combine several together, it can be a natural disaster. That's what my anger can be; a natural disaster in the making, especially when I try to force it under and I just can't anymore. At other times, it's even worse. I can get hungry when I'm hungry, even if I just ate a big meal and I would normally be full. When I look at certain people that I don't like in my day to day life that especially set me off, it's like I want to rip off their limbs, tear them bit by bit and at worst, I want to cannibalise them. Luckily, I do not act on THOSE particular urges of actually biting or eating people, though these are urges I do have when I'm really really angry and don't have any good outlet to use for getting it out.

As anger is a secondary emotion, there's usually some other emotion that connects from point A to point B. So I did some self searching and I think I found the answer. A combination of them, like most things within me are. That combo is unstable attachments, avoidance, fears of abandonment, powerlessness, guilt, and a self persecution/inferiority complex. Sometimes, insomnia and mania play as factors into it along with psychosis, but not always. Given these factors, it's no surprise how one thing leads to another and becomes a chain link of a disaster. I don't know how anyone can live with this type of thing. It hurts, it really does. This is one of many reasons why I wish to CTB. Anger is an emotion that's too hard to control sometimes and it's the most common out of any reason why my social skills suck and why I can't keep many friends and other relationships.

 

[whateverr]

I want to start on an emotion I know a little bit too much of; anger. How does my anger actually feel within me, or should I say all of me. The answer to that may surprise you. My anger is something I try to suppress a ton, yet it still shows no matter what. Anything I do to shut it down, it still remains no matter how much I hate it existing. I tend to think of it as like the weather. On a normal day, it's cloudy, like overcast, but mostly just fine. On a good day, the clouds allow the sky to slowly have some room. On a bad day, it's a storm of some type, depending on my emotion. If I'm sad, then it's like rain which can rage into a flood. If I'm distant, it's like snow which can make even Antarctica look like child's play. If I'm jealous or bitter, the lightning storm arrives that can make anyone hide inside because of how fast and hard it flashes. When I start raising my voice, it's like the wind that can make a tornado/cyclone if I'm not careful with my word choices.

If you were to combine several together, it can be a natural disaster. That's what my anger can be; a natural disaster in the making, especially when I try to force it under and I just can't anymore. At other times, it's even worse. I can get hungry when I'm hungry, even if I just ate a big meal and I would normally be full. When I look at certain people that I don't like in my day to day life that especially set me off, it's like I want to rip off their limbs, tear them bit by bit and at worst, I want to cannibalise them. Luckily, I do not act on THOSE particular urges of actually biting or eating people, though these are urges I do have when I'm really really angry and don't have any good outlet to use for getting it out.

As anger is a secondary emotion, there's usually some other emotion that connects from point A to point B. So I did some self searching and I think I found the answer. A combination of them, like most things within me are. That combo is unstable attachments, avoidance, fears of abandonment, powerlessness, guilt, and a self persecution/inferiority complex. Sometimes, insomnia and mania play as factors into it along with psychosis, but not always. Given these factors, it's no surprise how one thing leads to another and becomes a chain link of a disaster. I don't know how anyone can live with this type of thing. It hurts, it really does. This is one of many reasons why I wish to CTB. Anger is an emotion that's too hard to control sometimes and it's the most common out of any reason why my social skills suck and why I can't keep many friends and other relationships.

I know people often say anger is a secondary emotion, and I'm sure it is in a lot of cases, but the idea that being angry about someone punching me in the face or something like that being secondary has always made me chuckle. Anger, at times, can be a blatantly primary emotion. Maybe your's is more primary than you realize?

 

[Seered Doom]

It could be, though I don't know. A lot of things pile into how my emotions sway and flow which makes it a psycho sandwich if one wants to take a more humorous approach of an allegory for how I experience things. It's literally a lot of things at once and being unable to stomach it all is just yeeeeeeeah

 

[whateverr]

It could be, though I don't know. A lot of things pile into how my emotions sway and flow which makes it a psycho sandwich if one wants to take a more humorous approach of an allegory for how I experience things. It's literally a lot of things at once and being unable to stomach it all is just yeeeeeeeah

Learn to ride the wave, then? That's what I try to do because making sense of my emotions never really works.

 

[Seered Doom]

I will need at the very least a boogie board bc so far, I'm swimming into the wave and getting swallowed whole by it like holy shit, this thing is almost a fucking tsunami.

 

[whateverr]

I will need at the very least a boogie board bc so far, I'm swimming into the wave and getting swallowed whole by it like holy shit, this thing is almost a fucking tsunami.

Sure, perhaps mental health problems are really just bad hand-eye coordination lol. Feels like it sometimes.

 

[Seered Doom]

For real though, they really are and I would like to get better motor skills.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I understand being angry way, WAY too well. I especially related to the part where it felt like a natural disaster because I always thought of mine as being like a tornado outbreak too.

Even though I haven't wanted to do it for a long time now, I used to go through periods where I wanted to buy a gun & go crazy in a public place. I'm ashamed to admit that I used to obsess over it, but I'm so glad I never acted on those feelings. I haven't given it any serious thought since 2019, but that doesn't mean I haven't hurt myself by punching things, or breaking my stuff because I threw it.

Being angry all the time is exhausting and it sucks when it feels like your whole body is consumed by it. Sometimes it feels like being on fire but without literal flames. Even though I don't have any desire to act on my past violent urges anymore, sometimes I want to die so badly that I wish I could have my life ended by someone else doing it to me instead. If I get shot & killed, it means one less person who wants to live would become a target, and I could take their place.

After dealing with this my whole life, I can relate to your struggles. I'm sorry you deal with it too Seered. I wish there was an easy fix for it, but there are so many things in this world that are worth being angry about anyway, including not having the right to get peaceful euthanasia. In all honesty, if something like that was legal and my appointment to receive it was scheduled, most of my anger would evaporate and I could be happy about something again.

 

[Seered Doom]

Honestly, if I'm to be real, yeah Lost, I completely agree and sorry you've been through a similar experience. It drains to feel so bitter and resentful all the damn time. Especially when the hatefulness is so normalized here in the US at least, we're basically desensitized to shootings for the most part. Many of me latch onto the urges of committing human atrocities (see the cannibalism point above) but can't get passed that much unless it's biting myself. I just wish there was an easier way to get myself to calm down other than having to wait till I work to drink Monster to just be able to think and not be so panicked or being as on edge. Seriously, the antidepressants can eat their hearts out bc they don't do a goddamn thing.

 

[whateverr]

For real though, they really are and I would like to get better motor skills.

For all the work I did on my mind, I was fucking stupid to ignore my mind-body connection.

 

[Vesiira]

I want to start on an emotion I know a little bit too much of; anger. How does my anger actually feel within me, or should I say all of me. The answer to that may surprise you. My anger is something I try to suppress a ton, yet it still shows no matter what. Anything I do to shut it down, it still remains no matter how much I hate it existing. I tend to think of it as like the weather. On a normal day, it's cloudy, like overcast, but mostly just fine. On a good day, the clouds allow the sky to slowly have some room. On a bad day, it's a storm of some type, depending on my emotion. If I'm sad, then it's like rain which can rage into a flood. If I'm distant, it's like snow which can make even Antarctica look like child's play. If I'm jealous or bitter, the lightning storm arrives that can make anyone hide inside because of how fast and hard it flashes. When I start raising my voice, it's like the wind that can make a tornado/cyclone if I'm not careful with my word choices.

If you were to combine several together, it can be a natural disaster. That's what my anger can be; a natural disaster in the making, especially when I try to force it under and I just can't anymore. At other times, it's even worse. I can get hungry when I'm hungry, even if I just ate a big meal and I would normally be full. When I look at certain people that I don't like in my day to day life that especially set me off, it's like I want to rip off their limbs, tear them bit by bit and at worst, I want to cannibalise them. Luckily, I do not act on THOSE particular urges of actually biting or eating people, though these are urges I do have when I'm really really angry and don't have any good outlet to use for getting it out.

As anger is a secondary emotion, there's usually some other emotion that connects from point A to point B. So I did some self searching and I think I found the answer. A combination of them, like most things within me are. That combo is unstable attachments, avoidance, fears of abandonment, powerlessness, guilt, and a self persecution/inferiority complex. Sometimes, insomnia and mania play as factors into it along with psychosis, but not always. Given these factors, it's no surprise how one thing leads to another and becomes a chain link of a disaster. I don't know how anyone can live with this type of thing. It hurts, it really does. This is one of many reasons why I wish to CTB. Anger is an emotion that's too hard to control sometimes and it's the most common out of any reason why my social skills suck and why I can't keep many friends and other relationships.

Anger is probably one of the worst emotions a person can feel. It's just so dark, it gnashes and tears at you. It's one of the hardest things to control. I have never learned how to control it, so when I feel it I feel it HARD. I understand how you feel. You think all these awful things when it arises, how much you just want to hurt yourself or others. Even if you don't want to. I wish it was an emotion we didn't have to fucking feel, but in this world there's a lot of it.

 

[Seered Doom]

I swear it's practically everywhere considering how many atrocities we've been used to seeing on a daily basis like what's currently happening in certain countries with wars and genocide along with being desensitized to mass shootings and killings.

 

[Vesiira]

Honestly, if I'm to be real, yeah Lost, I completely agree and sorry you've been through a similar experience. It drains to feel so bitter and resentful all the damn time. Especially when the hatefulness is so normalized here in the US at least, we're basically desensitized to shootings for the most part. Many of me latch onto the urges of committing human atrocities (see the cannibalism point above) but can't get passed that much unless it's biting myself. I just wish there was an easier way to get myself to calm down other than having to wait till I work to drink Monster to just be able to think and not be so panicked or being as on edge. Seriously, the antidepressants can eat their hearts out bc they don't do a goddamn thing.

We are all so desensitized, I agree. In this world full of death and poverty and so many other awful things, how couldn't we be? Then they wonder how it's so easy for us to come to terms with death. How it's so easy for us to talk about. After so long of fighting it. Antidepressants can go eat their hearts out and fuck themselves, because none of them ever help or work.

I understand being angry way, WAY too well. I especially related to the part where it felt like a natural disaster because I always thought of mine as being like a tornado outbreak too.

Even though I haven't wanted to do it for a long time now, I used to go through periods where I wanted to buy a gun & go crazy in a public place. I'm ashamed to admit that I used to obsess over it, but I'm so glad I never acted on those feelings. I haven't given it any serious thought since 2019, but that doesn't mean I haven't hurt myself by punching things, or breaking my stuff because I threw it.

Being angry all the time is exhausting and it sucks when it feels like your whole body is consumed by it. Sometimes it feels like being on fire but without literal flames. Even though I don't have any desire to act on my past violent urges anymore, sometimes I want to die so badly that I wish I could have my life ended by someone else doing it to me instead. If I get shot & killed, it means one less person who wants to live would become a target, and I could take their place.

After dealing with this my whole life, I can relate to your struggles. I'm sorry you deal with it too Seered. I wish there was an easy fix for it, but there are so many things in this world that are worth being angry about anyway, including not having the right to get peaceful euthanasia. In all honesty, if something like that was legal and my appointment to receive it was scheduled, most of my anger would evaporate and I could be happy about something again.

"Sometimes it feels like being on fire but without literal flames." Wow. I couldn't have described it better. I'm sorry you understand how that feels, but it helps to know when someone relates. We can feel it together, even if it hurts.

 

[Seered Doom]

It's odd, isn't it? The double standards most people have to life and how they approach a suicidal person when it comes to stuff like this. The way they speak is either patronizing or it's like "Oh hey, this place sucks, yeah, but you should live because you're so young and have so much to live for UwU". Literally gtfo with that shit, people. If this place sucks, just stick with that and be done with it. Have your statements end there and people wouldn't have to feel like it's so hard to talk about suicide like jfc it's not that hard. Suicidal people are smarter than general society gives them credit for considering how they treat us all like we're just blind to reality. If they can just talk to us like actual sentient beings, then maybe it'd make things a lot fucking easier to listen to.