lying and stealing

[n4k1]

i have a horrible headache, i can't stop thinking and thinking of what a shit person i am. i've stolen over 1,000$ from my family business, i lie about stupid shit that i really don't understand why i do it. i also have stolen food from grocery stores after spending all my money on food for my bulimia. i am disgusting and the only solution i can see is to kms. i've started making different plans on how to and it's strange how "therapeutic" it feels, its the same feeling i get after my purging sessions...
i don't keep tabs with my friends and i don't see the point in reaching out anymore. i only recently started talking to my family and every second is agonizing because i just feel so guilty being around them knowing i've lied to them all.

i'm going to pay off the money i stole hopefully without anyone noticing,,, after that i want to finish school and get a nice job to leave some money behind for my family. i feel like i'm making excuses, but i don't want to leave without at least trying to fix everything I've fucked.

just needed to get this out there, it's been in my head for days and i can't think straight.

i'm sorry to my family and friends, i'm sorry i lie to you, i'm sorry i find it hard to connect to you

 

[chloramine]

Everyone screws up. Yeah it sucks, but the fact that you're trying to fix things is big. I don't think you're anywhere near irredeemable or a bad person. You're struggling and it's hard. Having trouble connecting with the people you care about makes it harder. Regardless of how it works out or what you have the capacity to do on any given day I think it's awesome that you're trying.

As a side note you don't have to try to die in order to want to die. I've questioned whether I'm just making everything up before and like I have to justify what I feel and your comment about making excuses reminded me of that. Your experiences are real regardless of whether you live or die. Your pain is real. Waiting or never dying isn't making excuses.

 

[n4k1]

Everyone screws up. Yeah it sucks, but the fact that you're trying to fix things is big. I don't think you're anywhere near irredeemable or a bad person. You're struggling and it's hard. Having trouble connecting with the people you care about makes it harder. Regardless of how it works out or what you have the capacity to do on any given day I think it's awesome that you're trying.

As a side note you don't have to try to die in order to want to die. I've questioned whether I'm just making everything up before and like I have to justify what I feel and your comment about making excuses reminded me of that. Your experiences are real regardless of whether you live or die. Your pain is real. Waiting or never dying isn't making excuses.

thank you, i really needed to see this. it can be hard to validate emotions when they aren't concrete things you know? i appreciate your kind words and i wish you the best :)

 

[Parasitic]

Mistakes happen, we all do stuff we heavily regret and also to the ones we care about, the important thing is you have noticed what you have done and have every intention of fixing things. You also mentioned about finishing school and to get a nice job to leave money behind, you yourself just said the solution to remove your feeling of guilt. Doing a few bad things doesn't make you an awful person in the same way doing a few good things doesn't make you a saint. Your words show you are trying to better yourself and that's very important and you most definitely have the mindset to right any of your wrongs. I wish you the best of luck in everything you do and hope the headache clears up :)

 

[cami]

we all mess up sometimes. what's important is that you are acknowledging your mistakes. it means you understand that they are mistakes. when i was younger i stole $7000+ from my mother. it was stupid but it's what i did. we can't undo the past, we can only try to fix the future.

 

[EternalShore]

Wow. You're actually trying to redeem yourself and make up for all the things you've doen wrong!? Awesome! :D You're certainly one of the better ones. :) Most people are evil and when they realize the evil they've done, they either choose to continue or stop, never truly repenting and making up for themselves. Meanwhile, You're a great person because you have! ^_^ May this be a new saga in your life, sir! :D

 

[FuneralCry]

At least you are trying to fix what you did, but of course I understand why you would feel relieved at the thought of being free from everything, best wishes.