I know I've already won the lottery. (The law of attraction). But still, it won't completely remove my suicidal thoughts, as I have lived with them for up to 25 years. Will be 33. Then you can calculate that it has been wrong ever since I was a child. Maybe I risk committing suicide anyway, at a later date. Just under 3.5 years ago, something happened that concerns us all, and which provided an eye-opener about where our society is heading. And how society is actually structured. The way society is structured is probably the reason why this forum is necessary at all. Whether people can see it or not doesn't matter. Don't want to talk about it ever again. But I have the resources for it, and I will be fair to them. They must take my freedom if necessary. Now I have the resources to survive as long as I want as the state takes away our freedom. Those who rule over the state have won. If half the world revolts. The other half will help attack those who resist, but they have so little brainpower that they can't figure out that they might be among the last to be eliminated. Enough about that. It will end in suicide one day if I don't die before. Whether it is in 5 years or 30 years is hard to say. It depends on how the cabal plays its cards.
Back to suicide. If it wasn't because I had won, I would have had to kill myself. Has acquired a taste for life. One of the reasons my suicidal thoughts got worse over time is that I haven't been very good with women. Low self-esteem in you. I'm not incel, I just have to emphasize. Always respect people, and don't understand that people who don't. Sorry if I step on anyone, it's not to be mean.
But last December a female friend came to me and asked if she could come home with me. However, I only talk to her when I meet her by chance. But then the conversation usually runs without problems, so I would think we are friends. Or perhaps was unfortunately? She is really a sweet and good person. Even really hot in a natural way. 9/10 if not 10/10. Would put myself on a 4/10 or 5/10. Always had a crush on her. I always thought I would never have a girlfriend. But when the thought of a girlfriend has struck me on a rare occasion, she is one of the few I could think of if it could be. Not just because she's hot. The few others I could consider are probably on my level. It's the inside that counts and what I turn on the most. But if she's pretty, that's only a plus, at the same time she's really cute. Sorry if I sound superficial. She is very down to earth and is a relatively calm type. I think she suffers from something psychological to a mild degree. And maybe that's why she wanted me. Not that I know 100 percent what she wanted that night. But something indicated that if I had taken her home, I would have had the chance to at least make the friendship better. Think I could have scored her. Would do anything to make her happy.
Unfortunately, I couldn't take her home. I have ruined my life. As I mentioned earlier, I had suicidal thoughts since childhood. My narcissistic father, my mother who died when I was 11 and bullying until I was in my early 20's. With mental illness, it's easy to be seen as arrogant or stupid, despite the fact that I describe myself as quite intelligent. And feel bad when others feel bad. So I would say that I have empathy. And the mental disorders have probably contributed to some of the negative tensions that have existed between me and other people. Also on the labor market. Has almost always worked. I can figure something out then. Been in the same place for almost 9 years. Should never have started at that workplace. My boss is partly narcissistic I think. It probably didn't make it any better that the finances at the workplace were miserable. It's a pig farm. The EU again and again making things worse for their own citizens. Are they stupid? Both and. I have often been blamed for something that was not my fault by my boss. Just like my father always scolded me for something I hadn't done. I wonder if it has affected my old traumas that my boss has been after me for periods of time. Did I attract such people? He was probably not aware that I might have some mental disorders. Despite knowing that my mother died early. How my father was towards me and bullying he couldn't possibly know? Don't think people will see it. Often when I'm drunk in the last few years, I've asked about my father, various people around here. Only a few have dared to tell me. That he could get crazy, especially when he was drunk. Few people probably knew that it was beyond me. Some have probably had the idea. A few knew. But yes, in the same way that society is structured, in the same way the social functions in our society. Narcissism. Think it's some old instincts that have been allowed to happen to run wild since we started civilization. Like a lion that kills to get something to eat. The same with us humans. Except it's completely gone and we're not just acting narcissistic for food on the table. But also want more resources than anything else, and power over our own species. Yes, I could elaborate, but I don't want to.
And I myself was not aware of why I am I was the way I was, or why. Grew up in a messy home. My father was not good to me and my mother. A slap every now and then. The shouting and the screaming. My 2 other siblings have papers on mental disorders. I haven't and I don't want to. Still knew there was something wrong with the system. Didn't realize how wrong it was though until the system showed its teeth. Figuratively speaking. Have only been proven about why I felt the way I do, over the past few years. Even before it went wrong almost 5 years ago. The reason I was sure I was going to kill myself. If it wasn't for the fact that I had won the lottery. (The law of attraction).
Was afraid of people. Because of what they thought of me. After all, I was brainwashed by my father, whether he did it unconsciously or not, into a strong self-hatred. Not just poor self-esteem but self-hatred. Felt terribly wrong. And have been confirmed in that over time by the bullies and other bad people who saw me as an easy victim where they could take out their frustrations. Had chronic depression from the start and couldn't see anything else. Had never learned anything else. Although many have told me that. It is like explaining to religious people that God does not exist. Sorry if I step on someone's toes again. Don't mind religion. But trying to explain how our mind works. If we are convinced of something, it is extremely difficult to change. Some beliefs we have to keep in peace, even if we don't agree. As long as we don't hurt others. We must respect each other. WHY THE HELL ARE THE NARCISSISTS SO DAMN MUCH SMARTER THAN OTHERS?? Sorry for the anger, just had to get it out.
Take drugs for example. If you have familiarized yourself with it, you will know that alcohol, cigarettes and psychotropic drugs should be banned if it were to be fair. Or even better. Almost everything had to be legalized. There are of course exceptions such as fentanyl and methamphetamine. But we can't help people who are addicted to it if we stigmatize those who take it, and beat them over the head with fines and prison. Do I need to explain?
To get back to why I wanted to die before I won the big lottery. (The law of attraction). Had bad mental health and bad conditions for life. Have grown up poor since my mother died, despite the fact that I live in Denmark. I know there are people who are hungry and go to sleep hungry anyway. But had to compare myself to the society I live in. The people around here are wealthy. Or if nothing else, they lack nothing. Thinking that the spoiled generation I grew up with is to blame for things going completely wrong for me. I was directly bullied for wearing the wrong clothes. What kind of way to treat others?
So no one got financial help from family, like the vast majority of young people around here. I managed, despite my account being drained before payday. Before I was 13, I could save money without anything. That frustrated my father. Won't bother to explain it as it's a long story.
Started working where I didn't fit in 9 years ago. A year later I moved to rent in one of the sons of my boss. Had previously driven my finances into a slump. But no worse than I was getting out of that debt. Had lost my driver's license for 3 years. When I got my driver's license again, I was pulled over for not buying a car. Lives in the country but could do without. Couldn't afford it as I was paid poorly considering the responsibilities.
The other of my boss's sons gave me a crack. Took out a car loan and my finances slowly went downhill again. So far down that I had no money left when the bills had to be paid. I had started to drink more than I used to, and for a period I was taking drugs in a relatively short time.
Should have help from my landlord who is also my boss's son. When I had no money to live on. Must tell it very discreetly and briefly. He wouldn't listen to me. Said several times that I needed help and it was probably his responsibility. He hit my old traumas when he talked to me like dad used to. He didn't bother to listen to me.
My mood was at rock bottom. Considered jumping off the local bridge Sallingsundbridge. Did not do it. My brain shut down and put the problem out of my mind. Get a consolidation loan. Air in the economy. Pulled myself together to ask for a little more pay. Stopped smoking cigarettes. (For a year and a half. Until spring 2020. Guess why I started again). Thought I was getting my life back under control. Unfortunately, min brainwashing, made me suffer from cognitive dissonance. Pushing common sense out of my head, so as not to have to experience the discomfort of going to my landlord again.
Woke up to the cognitive dissonance. It had happened. Said it to him again. But it had happened. The last 4 years have really gone downhill. Where I lived looked like a pig pen. However, the shutdown came quite conveniently for me. Only lived on then so as not to harm the good people around me. Not taking people home anymore. And then the sweet lovely woman came a little too close to my life last December. Too close to my feelings. When we held each other last December. Oh how I hate myself. Just walked away from her. Shut up I hate myself. Hate that my situation couldn't be helped without money. Really in love.
And it happened again that I met her at a disco 2 weeks ago. We said hello but it felt really awkward. The disco closed. A bunch of us stood outside and she was there too Could have at least made sure she came home. Went into panic. Didn't want my other 2 mates in the car to hear me say no to such a beauty if she had now forgiven me and wanted to take me home.
Last Saturday I was restless. Had been at work that weekend. Have been drinking with myself often for a long time. But a lot that day due to stress and weakness. Didn't like people enjoying themselves, so kept to myself, as usual for the last several years. Had a rope I wanted to test. Made a noose, tied it to a beam in the garage, and stepped on it with my foot. 5 seconds. Huh. Probably wouldn't have even passed out if I'd been so desperate to hang myself without trying it out first.
Purely hypothetically. It would have been a shame if I had to hang myself. For the sake of my family and friends. That I was just gone one day. My colleagues would probably have discovered it first. That they should go out and look for me. It had been a pain for the police to have to spend their working hours investigating, rather than eating lemon moons and rummaging through the pockets of peaceful people and stealing their medicine, or taking home some coke to enjoy themselves on the weekend. It would be boring for them to do police violence on a corpse. It would also have been embarrassing for them if I didn't end up in a wheelchair, so they could pull me out of it, as they have done before. Or generally just having to spend time on such a tedious search when they could instead spend the time exercising power so they could feel more valuable than others.
It would have been embarrassing for the people behind the emergency center that I wasn't a male rape victim they could make fun of. Like, for example, saying "he's got a black arm", which they used to make fun of when men call and report a rape.
It would also have been embarrassing for people to see my suicide note. 28 pages. It would have been very embarrassing for other people.
Especially the people I could have sent the letter to in a belated email in desperation. To a former mayor, police chief, a lawyer and a judge who successfully covered up multiple child abuses by several of their school teacher/principal friends. They tried to throw the accuser in prison or have her committed. The cases never came to court. Many cases have been covered up and those involved in threatening the accusers into silence. There have been suicide attempts among the victims and completed suicides. If I hadn't won the lottery (the law of attraction), I would have accidentally sent my suicide note to the culprits. Had their names and it would have been embarrassing for them that I accidentally did it. Perhaps I could have accidentally sent it to the Prime Minister's Office so that they could focus on the problems.
Could have accidentally sent material about the abuse cases to the media. Who has accidentally come to distort the truth about the abuses back then. I could also have sent the suicide note by accident. They are lucky that I won the lottery (law of attraction). Otherwise, they might have slept badly at night.
Instead, I returned to that time in 2020 when I was desperately trying to find a way to avoid suicide. A way to win the lottery. Found the law of attraction. Over time I had given up on it, as it seemed like some hocus pocus. Tried again this week as I was at the bottom of the blackest hole last weekend. I have won the lottery now. I have won my life back. All is well again. Now I just have to say sorry to my crush when it fits. Explain to her that I am really sorry that I stepped on her like that. And tell her how I feel about her. Knowing that it worked. I know she forgives me. And put the past behind us. I know.
Back to suicide. If it wasn't because I had won, I would have had to kill myself. Has acquired a taste for life. One of the reasons my suicidal thoughts got worse over time is that I haven't been very good with women. Low self-esteem in you. I'm not incel, I just have to emphasize. Always respect people, and don't understand that people who don't. Sorry if I step on anyone, it's not to be mean.
But last December a female friend came to me and asked if she could come home with me. However, I only talk to her when I meet her by chance. But then the conversation usually runs without problems, so I would think we are friends. Or perhaps was unfortunately? She is really a sweet and good person. Even really hot in a natural way. 9/10 if not 10/10. Would put myself on a 4/10 or 5/10. Always had a crush on her. I always thought I would never have a girlfriend. But when the thought of a girlfriend has struck me on a rare occasion, she is one of the few I could think of if it could be. Not just because she's hot. The few others I could consider are probably on my level. It's the inside that counts and what I turn on the most. But if she's pretty, that's only a plus, at the same time she's really cute. Sorry if I sound superficial. She is very down to earth and is a relatively calm type. I think she suffers from something psychological to a mild degree. And maybe that's why she wanted me. Not that I know 100 percent what she wanted that night. But something indicated that if I had taken her home, I would have had the chance to at least make the friendship better. Think I could have scored her. Would do anything to make her happy.
Unfortunately, I couldn't take her home. I have ruined my life. As I mentioned earlier, I had suicidal thoughts since childhood. My narcissistic father, my mother who died when I was 11 and bullying until I was in my early 20's. With mental illness, it's easy to be seen as arrogant or stupid, despite the fact that I describe myself as quite intelligent. And feel bad when others feel bad. So I would say that I have empathy. And the mental disorders have probably contributed to some of the negative tensions that have existed between me and other people. Also on the labor market. Has almost always worked. I can figure something out then. Been in the same place for almost 9 years. Should never have started at that workplace. My boss is partly narcissistic I think. It probably didn't make it any better that the finances at the workplace were miserable. It's a pig farm. The EU again and again making things worse for their own citizens. Are they stupid? Both and. I have often been blamed for something that was not my fault by my boss. Just like my father always scolded me for something I hadn't done. I wonder if it has affected my old traumas that my boss has been after me for periods of time. Did I attract such people? He was probably not aware that I might have some mental disorders. Despite knowing that my mother died early. How my father was towards me and bullying he couldn't possibly know? Don't think people will see it. Often when I'm drunk in the last few years, I've asked about my father, various people around here. Only a few have dared to tell me. That he could get crazy, especially when he was drunk. Few people probably knew that it was beyond me. Some have probably had the idea. A few knew. But yes, in the same way that society is structured, in the same way the social functions in our society. Narcissism. Think it's some old instincts that have been allowed to happen to run wild since we started civilization. Like a lion that kills to get something to eat. The same with us humans. Except it's completely gone and we're not just acting narcissistic for food on the table. But also want more resources than anything else, and power over our own species. Yes, I could elaborate, but I don't want to.
And I myself was not aware of why I am I was the way I was, or why. Grew up in a messy home. My father was not good to me and my mother. A slap every now and then. The shouting and the screaming. My 2 other siblings have papers on mental disorders. I haven't and I don't want to. Still knew there was something wrong with the system. Didn't realize how wrong it was though until the system showed its teeth. Figuratively speaking. Have only been proven about why I felt the way I do, over the past few years. Even before it went wrong almost 5 years ago. The reason I was sure I was going to kill myself. If it wasn't for the fact that I had won the lottery. (The law of attraction).
Was afraid of people. Because of what they thought of me. After all, I was brainwashed by my father, whether he did it unconsciously or not, into a strong self-hatred. Not just poor self-esteem but self-hatred. Felt terribly wrong. And have been confirmed in that over time by the bullies and other bad people who saw me as an easy victim where they could take out their frustrations. Had chronic depression from the start and couldn't see anything else. Had never learned anything else. Although many have told me that. It is like explaining to religious people that God does not exist. Sorry if I step on someone's toes again. Don't mind religion. But trying to explain how our mind works. If we are convinced of something, it is extremely difficult to change. Some beliefs we have to keep in peace, even if we don't agree. As long as we don't hurt others. We must respect each other. WHY THE HELL ARE THE NARCISSISTS SO DAMN MUCH SMARTER THAN OTHERS?? Sorry for the anger, just had to get it out.
Take drugs for example. If you have familiarized yourself with it, you will know that alcohol, cigarettes and psychotropic drugs should be banned if it were to be fair. Or even better. Almost everything had to be legalized. There are of course exceptions such as fentanyl and methamphetamine. But we can't help people who are addicted to it if we stigmatize those who take it, and beat them over the head with fines and prison. Do I need to explain?
To get back to why I wanted to die before I won the big lottery. (The law of attraction). Had bad mental health and bad conditions for life. Have grown up poor since my mother died, despite the fact that I live in Denmark. I know there are people who are hungry and go to sleep hungry anyway. But had to compare myself to the society I live in. The people around here are wealthy. Or if nothing else, they lack nothing. Thinking that the spoiled generation I grew up with is to blame for things going completely wrong for me. I was directly bullied for wearing the wrong clothes. What kind of way to treat others?
So no one got financial help from family, like the vast majority of young people around here. I managed, despite my account being drained before payday. Before I was 13, I could save money without anything. That frustrated my father. Won't bother to explain it as it's a long story.
Started working where I didn't fit in 9 years ago. A year later I moved to rent in one of the sons of my boss. Had previously driven my finances into a slump. But no worse than I was getting out of that debt. Had lost my driver's license for 3 years. When I got my driver's license again, I was pulled over for not buying a car. Lives in the country but could do without. Couldn't afford it as I was paid poorly considering the responsibilities.
The other of my boss's sons gave me a crack. Took out a car loan and my finances slowly went downhill again. So far down that I had no money left when the bills had to be paid. I had started to drink more than I used to, and for a period I was taking drugs in a relatively short time.
Should have help from my landlord who is also my boss's son. When I had no money to live on. Must tell it very discreetly and briefly. He wouldn't listen to me. Said several times that I needed help and it was probably his responsibility. He hit my old traumas when he talked to me like dad used to. He didn't bother to listen to me.
My mood was at rock bottom. Considered jumping off the local bridge Sallingsundbridge. Did not do it. My brain shut down and put the problem out of my mind. Get a consolidation loan. Air in the economy. Pulled myself together to ask for a little more pay. Stopped smoking cigarettes. (For a year and a half. Until spring 2020. Guess why I started again). Thought I was getting my life back under control. Unfortunately, min brainwashing, made me suffer from cognitive dissonance. Pushing common sense out of my head, so as not to have to experience the discomfort of going to my landlord again.
Woke up to the cognitive dissonance. It had happened. Said it to him again. But it had happened. The last 4 years have really gone downhill. Where I lived looked like a pig pen. However, the shutdown came quite conveniently for me. Only lived on then so as not to harm the good people around me. Not taking people home anymore. And then the sweet lovely woman came a little too close to my life last December. Too close to my feelings. When we held each other last December. Oh how I hate myself. Just walked away from her. Shut up I hate myself. Hate that my situation couldn't be helped without money. Really in love.
And it happened again that I met her at a disco 2 weeks ago. We said hello but it felt really awkward. The disco closed. A bunch of us stood outside and she was there too Could have at least made sure she came home. Went into panic. Didn't want my other 2 mates in the car to hear me say no to such a beauty if she had now forgiven me and wanted to take me home.
Last Saturday I was restless. Had been at work that weekend. Have been drinking with myself often for a long time. But a lot that day due to stress and weakness. Didn't like people enjoying themselves, so kept to myself, as usual for the last several years. Had a rope I wanted to test. Made a noose, tied it to a beam in the garage, and stepped on it with my foot. 5 seconds. Huh. Probably wouldn't have even passed out if I'd been so desperate to hang myself without trying it out first.
Purely hypothetically. It would have been a shame if I had to hang myself. For the sake of my family and friends. That I was just gone one day. My colleagues would probably have discovered it first. That they should go out and look for me. It had been a pain for the police to have to spend their working hours investigating, rather than eating lemon moons and rummaging through the pockets of peaceful people and stealing their medicine, or taking home some coke to enjoy themselves on the weekend. It would be boring for them to do police violence on a corpse. It would also have been embarrassing for them if I didn't end up in a wheelchair, so they could pull me out of it, as they have done before. Or generally just having to spend time on such a tedious search when they could instead spend the time exercising power so they could feel more valuable than others.
It would have been embarrassing for the people behind the emergency center that I wasn't a male rape victim they could make fun of. Like, for example, saying "he's got a black arm", which they used to make fun of when men call and report a rape.
It would also have been embarrassing for people to see my suicide note. 28 pages. It would have been very embarrassing for other people.
Especially the people I could have sent the letter to in a belated email in desperation. To a former mayor, police chief, a lawyer and a judge who successfully covered up multiple child abuses by several of their school teacher/principal friends. They tried to throw the accuser in prison or have her committed. The cases never came to court. Many cases have been covered up and those involved in threatening the accusers into silence. There have been suicide attempts among the victims and completed suicides. If I hadn't won the lottery (the law of attraction), I would have accidentally sent my suicide note to the culprits. Had their names and it would have been embarrassing for them that I accidentally did it. Perhaps I could have accidentally sent it to the Prime Minister's Office so that they could focus on the problems.
Could have accidentally sent material about the abuse cases to the media. Who has accidentally come to distort the truth about the abuses back then. I could also have sent the suicide note by accident. They are lucky that I won the lottery (law of attraction). Otherwise, they might have slept badly at night.
Instead, I returned to that time in 2020 when I was desperately trying to find a way to avoid suicide. A way to win the lottery. Found the law of attraction. Over time I had given up on it, as it seemed like some hocus pocus. Tried again this week as I was at the bottom of the blackest hole last weekend. I have won the lottery now. I have won my life back. All is well again. Now I just have to say sorry to my crush when it fits. Explain to her that I am really sorry that I stepped on her like that. And tell her how I feel about her. Knowing that it worked. I know she forgives me. And put the past behind us. I know.
