khairan
New Member
- Sep 4, 2025
- 3
I was tempted to write a little story about who I am and why have I reached the conclusion I shouldn't be living no more but the little story just keeps getting bigger and bigger and, to be frank, everyone has a story so there's nothing new under the sun.
Let's make it brief for context sake: I was born in a household that wasn't mean to be with a negligent and lazy as fuck mother and a violent psychopath of a father. I didn't have to suffer my father because they divorced when I was still a baby but that doesn't mean I was spared from the burden of such history. We were four siblings at home and, up to 1999, I would spend weekends on my father's apartment where my grandmother would sexually abuse me. I don't remember but a single instance in which she groomed me into crossdressing as a girl with the excuse 'my clothes were dirty'.
My dumb as fuck mother recalls to this day as a funny anecdote that I didn't want to get near my grandmother because I would claim she had 'an horrible disease' I made up. She thinks it was a little quirk (despite I was a reclusive and quiet kid) to draw in attention when it was a desperate way to avoid the systematic abuse.
That's one of the many reasons I deem my life not worth living for much longer but I will also list a few down below:
-Inability to adapt to a workspace and get employment.
-Inability to hold on to employment for more than a few months after I get it.
-Anhedonia.
-Inability to have a meaningful relationship thanks to the Autogynephilia I developed due to my grandmother's abuse.
-Increasingly erratic behavior and sudden moon swings.
-Violent idealization.
-Overall bad mood and chronic depression + chronic PTSD (which got worse after I was homeless for a few months).
-I already did many of the things I ever cared about in life (touring on bicycle, exploring abandoned mines and other places, etc).
-Bleak outloook in regards of the future where the system will get increasingly controlling and tyrannical (I rather have agency over my own life).
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Anyhow, context aside, I'm a sucker for the wilderness and I've always dreamed of dying somewhere out into the wild where I can simply disappear.
At first I thought about hiking a day or two into the middle of nowhere, drench myself wet during cold weather, drink alcohol and slit my wrists but since then I've reconsidered and thought about asphyxiation. A good ol' noose and hang myself is the most likely option due to the practicality of it all and being one of the least nasty ways to die. When I was a kid I recall the icecream man (in the region of Argentina where I live there are icecream sellers riding bicycles and blowing a horn to draw costumers) would give me small bits of dry ice to throw into a glass of water and make 'smoke'. That's CO2 and I believe a good amount of dry ice and a 20L bucket of water in a tight space might do the trick.
I'm open to opinions and suggestions and I appreciate there is a space to talk about stuff like this without being instantly censored. Thanks.
Let's make it brief for context sake: I was born in a household that wasn't mean to be with a negligent and lazy as fuck mother and a violent psychopath of a father. I didn't have to suffer my father because they divorced when I was still a baby but that doesn't mean I was spared from the burden of such history. We were four siblings at home and, up to 1999, I would spend weekends on my father's apartment where my grandmother would sexually abuse me. I don't remember but a single instance in which she groomed me into crossdressing as a girl with the excuse 'my clothes were dirty'.
My dumb as fuck mother recalls to this day as a funny anecdote that I didn't want to get near my grandmother because I would claim she had 'an horrible disease' I made up. She thinks it was a little quirk (despite I was a reclusive and quiet kid) to draw in attention when it was a desperate way to avoid the systematic abuse.
That's one of the many reasons I deem my life not worth living for much longer but I will also list a few down below:
-Inability to adapt to a workspace and get employment.
-Inability to hold on to employment for more than a few months after I get it.
-Anhedonia.
-Inability to have a meaningful relationship thanks to the Autogynephilia I developed due to my grandmother's abuse.
-Increasingly erratic behavior and sudden moon swings.
-Violent idealization.
-Overall bad mood and chronic depression + chronic PTSD (which got worse after I was homeless for a few months).
-I already did many of the things I ever cared about in life (touring on bicycle, exploring abandoned mines and other places, etc).
-Bleak outloook in regards of the future where the system will get increasingly controlling and tyrannical (I rather have agency over my own life).
------------------
Anyhow, context aside, I'm a sucker for the wilderness and I've always dreamed of dying somewhere out into the wild where I can simply disappear.
At first I thought about hiking a day or two into the middle of nowhere, drench myself wet during cold weather, drink alcohol and slit my wrists but since then I've reconsidered and thought about asphyxiation. A good ol' noose and hang myself is the most likely option due to the practicality of it all and being one of the least nasty ways to die. When I was a kid I recall the icecream man (in the region of Argentina where I live there are icecream sellers riding bicycles and blowing a horn to draw costumers) would give me small bits of dry ice to throw into a glass of water and make 'smoke'. That's CO2 and I believe a good amount of dry ice and a 20L bucket of water in a tight space might do the trick.
I'm open to opinions and suggestions and I appreciate there is a space to talk about stuff like this without being instantly censored. Thanks.
