Love triggers me and I don’t know what to do about it

[cptsdfugue]

Anyone else have love as a trigger? Or feel like they don't know if they can even love given their past? I find that when I see people displaying public affection or seeming very close or even hearing about people in relationships heavily triggers me and makes me really suicidal (though I do have BPD so this might just be me). I'm lesbian (and non binary) and I've associated relationships with pain (especially lesbian ones). TLDR for what happened to me: I was crushing on my best friend who was my favorite person but she found someone better than me and my BPD shaped heart was broken. Then we have this girl who got diagnosed with far more things than me and got help earlier for her less severe depression, she somehow got a girlfriend and was comfy in her identity while I wasn't able to get a girlfriend and affirm my identity. Oh also my best friend had like 10 people (no seriously) crush on her while I've had one I don't believe in lmfao. Just thinking about my friends being queer, even outside of my best friend, makes me feel sick because I feel like a fraud in that I've never had a girlfriend so I can't "prove" I'm lesbian, nor can I prove my actual feelings because I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling love given my trauma. I'm sick of it, really, seeing people know that they're in love and able to get something I don't have. I feel somewhat guilty since whenever anyone brings up love or any part of their sexuality I get really triggered and suicidal because it's something I'm not capable of understanding for myself. Anyone else feel similarly? Want to know that it's not just me who feels triggered about love, because everyone and their dog around me has had a relationship or something adjacent, and I just… haven't. If you know someone or've felt something similar, how do you guys cope with this? I feel like I spiral and go berserk the more I think about it

If you want to know my background, I've made 3 posts here so far, I'm Asian non-binary and 18, about to be a sophomore in college

 

[Lambybahhhhhh]

Anyone else have love as a trigger? Or feel like they don't know if they can even love given their past? I find that when I see people displaying public affection or seeming very close or even hearing about people in relationships heavily triggers me and makes me really suicidal (though I do have BPD so this might just be me). I'm lesbian (and non binary) and I've associated relationships with pain (especially lesbian ones). TLDR for what happened to me: I was crushing on my best friend who was my favorite person but she found someone better than me and my BPD shaped heart was broken. Then we have this girl who got diagnosed with far more things than me and got help earlier for her less severe depression, she somehow got a girlfriend and was comfy in her identity while I wasn't able to get a girlfriend and affirm my identity. Oh also my best friend had like 10 people (no seriously) crush on her while I've had one I don't believe in lmfao. Just thinking about my friends being queer, even outside of my best friend, makes me feel sick because I feel like a fraud in that I've never had a girlfriend so I can't "prove" I'm lesbian, nor can I prove my actual feelings because I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling love given my trauma. I'm sick of it, really, seeing people know that they're in love and able to get something I don't have. I feel somewhat guilty since whenever anyone brings up love or any part of their sexuality I get really triggered and suicidal because it's something I'm not capable of understanding for myself. Anyone else feel similarly? Want to know that it's not just me who feels triggered about love, because everyone and their dog around me has had a relationship or something adjacent, and I just… haven't. If you know someone or've felt something similar, how do you guys cope with this? I feel like I spiral and go berserk the more I think about it

If you want to know my background, I've made 3 posts here so far, I'm Asian non-binary and 18, about to be a sophomore in college

Perhaps it means you're not quite ready for a relationship. Trauma related to love can really mess you up. It sounds to me like you attach your worth to other people, or compare it to them. I know what it's like to feel inadequate after heart break and I honestly haven't found a way to cope with it. I too hate seeing happy couples, it feels humiliating even if they have nothing to do with me. Only thing I can think about is, don't try to seek validation through casual sexual interactions, at least in my experience it messed up my view on love.

 

[yume_]

Can't give you any advice sorry... Hope you can find love :)

For me, I relate a lot. I never had a relationship and I think I've been fed way too much romanticized media so love has always been a trigger. It has come to a point that whenever I see a person I am attracted to I immediately start having self depreciating / suicidal thoughts. The closest thing I got was the talking stage wth a girl, but she was too good for me lol.

Tho it's probably different for me since i am not pursuing love so whenever I see that girl or someone attractive I just remember myself the reasons I have for giving up on love •_•

 

[usernamesarehard]

Love used to be a pretty big trigger for me. I tied my self worth with my inability to attract men and my inability to create meaningful long-term friendships. I agree with what @Lambybahhhhhh said. Tying your self worth to your ability to get into relationships, romantic or otherwise, isn't good. I suggest addressing that because I didn't and I think it ruined my relationship. And I'd hate to see you make a post saying you finally found a girlfriend but ruined things because you never addressed that issue.

As far as things go now. I don't know how I feel about love. Being completely honest reading posts on Reddit really upsets me and I get pretty angry reading them because I want that too, and I'm not sure if I'll ever be in another relationship again. It's also pretty annoying seeing the advice given and the assumptions made about people who post. But at the same time, the reason my ex broke up with me was just because he fell out of love. It's hard for me to trust people, so romantic relationships, especially in the beginning, are going to be hard for me. I also just don't see a point in developing a bond or getting to the point where you finally trust someone when they can just wake up one day and tell you they don't love you anymore. And there's nothing either of you can do.

Honestly, I wish I was aro/ace. My life was so much better when I was a teenager and had no interest in romantic relationships and my sexual desires were easily sated with porn. Thinking about relationships is exhausting.

I don't have any other advice. And I'm not even sure if you can relate to my experience, but yeah.

If you ever want to talk, my dms are open.

 

[cptsdfugue]

Since making this post, it's really ironic since I met a girl online who loves me as I love her back, though I notice love is still a trigger anyways. I still feel inferior but I do not expect her love to cure me, I think a huge part of it is my CPTSD/BPD as I don't have a stable identity, and seeing how people have lovers remind me of how I am shattered and unable to find myself

In essence love triggers me because I don't know who I am, and I feel like I never will