Love lost is a valid reason for CTB

[Funeralprincess]

I remember someone recently saying lost love isn't a good reason for suicide. Years ago when I was very young, I would've agreed. Now that I'm much older and had many relationships and experienced losing the true love of my life, I understand. Some of you know my story regarding this, and some of you know that I tried to bring us back together and instead was manipulated and strung along very cleverly by this man and I had absolutely no idea because he was that good at manipulation. Years have gone by and I still love him. They said therapy and drowning yourself with medications would work… it didn't. They said bettering yourself would work… it didn't. They said doing every possible fucking thing that one does to move on would work and it didn't. In the past it has for me, but I realized this relationship wasn't like those of the past… I tried dating others but feel I'm just faking it, putting on a beautiful act and I had to stop because I view it as inhumane to mislead an innocent person just because I was mislead. Was my mental health the reason for the break up? Yes. Did I try to fight for the relationship? Yes. What isn't my fault though is being told they wanted to try again, romancing me as they always had, making me think the love was still there, making me think they did accept mental illness and wanted me back…. I had been through so much before this man and I took a big leap letting him into my life… I warned him that being hurt again could lead to serious trauma because of the way my life was set up and he made promises not to… he strung me along those two years and now MANY years later I still love him, and am deeply hurt. We can't control who we love and when you love deeply, it isn't the same as any old relationship and it took me growing up and being in that situation to actually realize sometimes you never move on and that there isn't always another person after the one before…. This contributes so much to me wanting to kill myself because of the years we were together, the age I met him, the point of my life I was in… and more. I have parts of me to him I've never given another partner before…. There was so much and these people feed you this lie that it always gets better and it doesn't. Without him, I feel so empty inside. Nobody understands me except some people on this forum who are going through that exact same shit too…. Some have been going like this for years and it stings. It stings so bad and everyday is just horrible. On top of that my family hates my existence and I'm reminded constantly I should've been aborted which to an extent, I agree with. I wouldn't be suffering had my mother terminated like she was fucking supposed to. She knew I'd have mental disabilities yet decided to being me into this world against her judgement…. Now I'm here with physical health issues because of that breakup and family abandonment, unable to finish college, and wasting away. I'm ready to die this summer and I just pray my survival instincts don't kick in too hard. I pray I'm able to successfully die with my friend and we don't have to suffer here anymore. This forum is a place for me to vent and I need it so so much. I cry every single day and have for years because of this.

 

[Foresight]

I'm on the side that anything is valid. If you take an honest look and decide this isn't for you the details are too close to the heart for others to truly know.

 

[September5th]

I feel your pain. Every day. I wake up horribly, every single day. I miss her every single hour. What you said about faking interest in others is so true... Feels miserable, right? True love does exist, and those who felt it know. There's no substitute, I guess. Empty, colorless...
At least you're not alone. There are so many of us right there. People who did their best, but were left behind. People who committed mistakes and feel guilty about it. I miss even the days we were not dating, but discovering ourselves (her voice, her laugh, our first date). I know you feel the same. Wish you well, although I (more than anyone) knows that it won't happen.
<3

 

[alliebear]

I remember someone recently saying lost love isn't a good reason for suicide. Years ago when I was very young, I would've agreed. Now that I'm much older and had many relationships and experienced losing the true love of my life, I understand. Some of you know my story regarding this, and some of you know that I tried to bring us back together and instead was manipulated and strung along very cleverly by this man and I had absolutely no idea because he was that good at manipulation. Years have gone by and I still love him. They said therapy and drowning yourself with medications would work… it didn't. They said bettering yourself would work… it didn't. They said doing every possible fucking thing that one does to move on would work and it didn't. In the past it has for me, but I realized this relationship wasn't like those of the past… I tried dating others but feel I'm just faking it, putting on a beautiful act and I had to stop because I view it as inhumane to mislead an innocent person just because I was mislead. Was my mental health the reason for the break up? Yes. Did I try to fight for the relationship? Yes. What isn't my fault though is being told they wanted to try again, romancing me as they always had, making me think the love was still there, making me think they did accept mental illness and wanted me back…. I had been through so much before this man and I took a big leap letting him into my life… I warned him that being hurt again could lead to serious trauma because of the way my life was set up and he made promises not to… he strung me along those two years and now MANY years later I still love him, and am deeply hurt. We can't control who we love and when you love deeply, it isn't the same as any old relationship and it took me growing up and being in that situation to actually realize sometimes you never move on and that there isn't always another person after the one before…. This contributes so much to me wanting to kill myself because of the years we were together, the age I met him, the point of my life I was in… and more. I have parts of me to him I've never given another partner before…. There was so much and these people feed you this lie that it always gets better and it doesn't. Without him, I feel so empty inside. Nobody understands me except some people on this forum who are going through that exact same shit too…. Some have been going like this for years and it stings. It stings so bad and everyday is just horrible. On top of that my family hates my existence and I'm reminded constantly I should've been aborted which to an extent, I agree with. I wouldn't be suffering had my mother terminated like she was fucking supposed to. She knew I'd have mental disabilities yet decided to being me into this world against her judgement…. Now I'm here with physical health issues because of that breakup and family abandonment, unable to finish college, and wasting away. I'm ready to die this summer and I just pray my survival instincts don't kick in too hard. I pray I'm able to successfully die with my friend and we don't have to suffer here anymore. This forum is a place for me to vent and I need it so so much. I cry every single day and have for years because of this.

I went through this. when you said all the years wasted, i felt you so much. I wish i could go back before i met this person, maybe it so much easier?

 

[soon06132022]

There are two tragedies in life: One is to gain your hearts desire, the other is to lose it. I feel you about the exhaustion of going through the motions of life when you know that you will never be better without your partner. I am sorry that you've had to go through this.

 

[Superdeterminist]

There are two tragedies in life: One is to gain your hearts desire, the other is to lose it. I feel you about the exhaustion of going through the motions of life when you know that you will never be better without your partner. I am sorry that you've had to go through this.

Third tragedy too: You never get your heart's desire. Sorry to be that guy but...

I won't even attempt to say whether it's worse to experience a love lost or to never have loved at all, I think it's an impossible question. Really and obviously both are terrible.

 

[Weebster]

A chemical reaction and an image of a person is all that love is.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so painful and unbearable what you are going through. To me it is sad how so much suffering exists in the world. I feel like suicide does not even need a reason, we all have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing and it is a personal decision when to leave. We all have different limits as to what we can cope with in life after all.

 

[Funeralprincess]

I went through this. when you said all the years wasted, i felt you so much. I wish i could go back before i met this person, maybe it so much easier?

Exactly. And my person was the best one I ever had and checked all the boxes basically. He just lied about how he accepts mental health but he finally admitted the truth this year and had I just been told the truth LONG before I probably wouldn't be so damaged. I'm sorry you experienced it too

I feel your pain. Every day. I wake up horribly, every single day. I miss her every single hour. What you said about faking interest in others is so true... Feels miserable, right? True love does exist, and those who felt it know. There's no substitute, I guess. Empty, colorless...
At least you're not alone. There are so many of us right there. People who did their best, but were left behind. People who committed mistakes and feel guilty about it. I miss even the days we were not dating, but discovering ourselves (her voice, her laugh, our first date). I know you feel the same. Wish you well, although I (more than anyone) knows that it won't happen.
<3

Yes exactly. You understand me and you get it. I feel even if a copy of him came into my life I'd still reject it because it isn't really him. I never knew this feeling until I went through it

A chemical reaction and an image of a person is all that love is.

Perhaps to some, yes. Regardless, it fucking hurts and it's a type of hurt I've not felt elsewhere

That sounds so painful and unbearable what you are going through. To me it is sad how so much suffering exists in the world. I feel like suicide does not even need a reason, we all have the right to exit this world at a time of our own choosing and it is a personal decision when to leave. We all have different limits as to what we can cope with in life after all.

I agree. We all have a right to exit this world but some people like to try and make comparisons which is sickening to me. It is very painful and it's impacted my health and happiness greatly. I suffer every single day and often struggle to even get through work shifts without having physical pains from it all

 

[September5th]

Yes exactly. You understand me and you get it. I feel even if a copy of him came into my life I'd still reject it because it isn't really him. I never knew this feeling until I went through it

Exactly. Not even if she came back it would be enough. Not after everything tha happened. I just wanted that girl I love so damn much. But guess what? It's done and I won't ever get her back. The best I can do is sit down, think about what I did wrong and prepare myself for the inevitable moment she finds love again (I truly hope she does, she's a beautiful soul).

A chemical reaction and an image of a person is all that love is.

Sure. And it's still the best thing out there. Everything is a chemical reaction. Even our depression. The difference is that love is beautiful, comforting, hopefull, understanding. It's the literal opposite of CTB and these negative feelings we have.

 

[Weebster]

Exactly. Not even if she came back it would be enough. Not after everything tha happened. I just wanted that girl I love so damn much. But guess what? It's done and I won't ever get her back. The best I can do is sit down, think about what I did wrong and prepare myself for the inevitable moment she finds love again (I truly hope she does, she's a beautiful soul).


Sure. And it's still the best thing out there. Everything is a chemical reaction. Even our depression. The difference is that love is beautiful, comforting, hopefull, understanding. It's the literal opposite of CTB and these negative feelings we have.

Prostitution is better. Legalize it. Not street walkers. That's disgusting

 

[Funeralprincess]

Exactly. Not even if she came back it would be enough. Not after everything tha happened. I just wanted that girl I love so damn much. But guess what? It's done and I won't ever get her back. The best I can do is sit down, think about what I did wrong and prepare myself for the inevitable moment she finds love again (I truly hope she does, she's a beautiful soul)

I have had to prepare for when he finds love too and some girl will be so lucky to have him. Sadly I cannot stick around to watch that unfold. I hope he finds it, but I can't support it or be the hype person when it comes as much as he wants me to be..

 

[September5th]

I have had to prepare for when he finds love too and some girl will be so lucky to have him. Sadly I cannot stick around to watch that unfold. I hope he finds it, but I can't support it or be the hype person when it comes as much as he wants me to be..

Yeah. That's it. Not that it makes any difference, though. We're not in speaking terms. The idea of she kissing someone else was too painful for me to handle it correctly... What a miserable reality right here.

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

I couldn't agree with you more, understand you more, feel your pain more. And I'm so sorry. It's exactly what I'm going through, and have been going through for more than half a year now. It's my main reason for leaving this world. You could say "well it's been less than a year, give it some time", but I know this won't get any better, quite the opposite, it'll get worse. I'm seeing my decline and decay throughout the months, as time passes by. This is real, this is severe, this is deep. And only those who have experienced it, know it.

Just to clarify, I didn't love my person romantically. He was a literal Guardian angel who saved me in my darkest moment. I can't write anymore the memories keep returning and they can trigger a crisis and I'm too weak right now to face one.

I'm just so deeply sorry for everyone suffering for a broken heart.
I LOVE YOU

 

[Advisor321]

I attempted suicide bcs of failed relationship
And I tell you, it is not worth it. Trust me

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

I have had to prepare for when he finds love too and some girl will be so lucky to have him. Sadly I cannot stick around to watch that unfold.

Also, I wanted to tell you and @September5th that I get you so much in this. In my case, I don't mind at all him having a partner, since I don't love him romantically. I actually wish he found that special someone. But, I imagine him in a hypothetical future with his baby nephews/nieces, and I start to feel such a horrific pain within my whole self that I can't breathe I feel like I'm dying slowly. He will never give me that love again, and I can't live without it, without him.

I know this may sound silly and stupid, but it's not for me if it's making me want to die to escape this hellish pain.

 

[Salty]

Have you read Bryon Katie / done "the work". In the past I have really suffered with break ups and for a long time after clinging to the love of someone that wasn't good enough /the right one for me. It can only be right if both parties in the relationship feel it is working after all...but anyway I clung and thought the world was entirely unfair. It really helped me work through some of this thinking and become more independent and forgiving, which helped me be happy. Do give it a try if you havent.

 

[September5th]

He will never give me that love again, and I can't live without it, without him.

I know this may sound silly and stupid, but it's not for me if it's making me want to die to escape this hellish pain.

It's tough. I know how tough it is. That's why death seems so comforting. People will tell me to do this and that, but it doesn't work. They don't really understand an important thing called *context*.
In my case, she wasn't any girl. She was my best friend whom I met again after years of being isolated. She helped me go out more, believe in myself and see the worth in life. That happened while we were still friends by the way. I feel in love with not only her, but her families, her friends, our dates, our general dynamic. It's impossible for anyone else to replicate it.
I won't find another person who loves to go to São Paulo with me, sleep out, eat a lot of different things (she had an addition to ketchup hahaha), go to unique cities and the beach. She made me fall in love with the sea again after years of neglecting it. I would carry her around in the water.
I know I sound like a broken record, but it's so fucking painful. I miss the simple act of dropping her at her apartment and then going home happy to have lived that day. The girls I'm hooking up simply don't offer that.
I'm so tired of waking up and being miserable. It seems like I'm getting worse by the minute, really.

 

[Funeralprincess]

Have you read Bryon Katie / done "the work". In the past I have really suffered with break ups and for a long time after clinging to the love of someone that wasn't good enough /the right one for me. It can only be right if both parties in the relationship feel it is working after all...but anyway I clung and thought the world was entirely unfair. It really helped me work through some of this thinking and become more independent and forgiving, which helped me be happy. Do give it a try if you havent.

I have actually. It was one of the first things recommended to me by my therapist and it had no effect. Sometimes we aren't just clinging as clinging involves less emotions and more of just holding on to that security. For me, it's deep love and I've been dealing with this for years, but thank you for your suggestion

I couldn't agree with you more, understand you more, feel your pain more. And I'm so sorry. It's exactly what I'm going through, and have been going through for more than half a year now. It's my main reason for leaving this world. You could say "well it's been less than a year, give it some time", but I know this won't get any better, quite the opposite, it'll get worse. I'm seeing my decline and decay throughout the months, as time passes by. This is real, this is severe, this is deep. And only those who have experienced it, know it.

Just to clarify, I didn't love my person romantically. He was a literal Guardian angel who saved me in my darkest moment. I can't write anymore the memories keep returning and they can trigger a crisis and I'm too weak right now to face one.

I'm just so deeply sorry for everyone suffering for a broken heart.
I LOVE YOU

Mine was my angel too and I loved him romantically but you don't need romantic love to grieve a loss. Platonic love can be equally as strong and that's a new pain in and of itself

Yeah. That's it. Not that it makes any difference, though. We're not in speaking terms. The idea of she kissing someone else was too painful for me to handle it correctly... What a miserable reality right here.

I'm so sorry. I know your pain and speaking terms might make it worse for you as it has for me. Mine basically said he's detached so he's good and I should be good too :(

 

[jamie_]

i resonate with so much of what you say, OP. it is the same for me. similar to college too - my loss lead to my expulsion and any chance of getting a degree. it might seem offensive to others but i feel like maybe the reason people are able to move on is because it might not have been true love. when it is, it can be impossible. when you know you know and that person is irreplaceable. they consume your life and when they leave the things you used to do before - even the independent ones- your hobbies, your interests are just unenjoyable. i too can't be around to see her with the man she left me for, it is a terrible pain. i know i will only be grieving for the rest of my life. and it is very low-functioning grieving, the type that stops you eating or taking a shower or doing anything that doesnt resemble being paralysed

 

[justlookinforanswers]

I attempted suicide bcs of failed relationship
And I tell you, it is not worth it. Trust me

why do you say this?

 

[Salty]

It's tough. I know how tough it is. That's why death seems so comforting. People will tell me to do this and that, but it doesn't work. They don't really understand an important thing called *context*.
In my case, she wasn't any girl. She was my best friend whom I met again after years of being isolated. She helped me go out more, believe in myself and see the worth in life. That happened while we were still friends by the way. I feel in love with not only her, but her families, her friends, our dates, our general dynamic. It's impossible for anyone else to replicate it.
I won't find another person who loves to go to São Paulo with me, sleep out, eat a lot of different things (she had an addition to ketchup hahaha), go to unique cities and the beach. She made me fall in love with the sea again after years of neglecting it. I would carry her around in the water.
I know I sound like a broken record, but it's so fucking painful. I miss the simple act of dropping her at her apartment and then going home happy to have lived that day. The girls I'm hooking up simply don't offer that.
I'm so tired of waking up and being miserable. It seems like I'm getting worse by the minute, really.

I am sure you can find other girls who want to travel and eat different things?! This doesn't sound specific to her at all ...it sounds like you miss the company which I can totally understand...but you need time to shed before you can be open to new people.

 

[Advisor321]

why do you say this?

Bcs you need to really rethink if it is all worth it.

I attempted, and turned out it was the stupidest decision ever.
Now I have everything on my head, several injuries, lot of pressure, family knowing what I did.
Failed attempt is the worst thing ever

 

[September5th]

I am sure you can find other girls who want to travel and eat different things?! This doesn't sound specific to her at all ...it sounds like you miss the company which I can totally understand...but you need time to shed before you can be open to new people.

It doesn't really sounds specific, but it is. It's that I can't go into further detail without having a breakdown, which I don't want. It wasn't the things that we did, but how we did and spend time together. I'm not joking when I say that even the videos we sent to each other had this special flavor.
Human emotions suck, i guess haha

There's this one specific thing I can talk about without going crazy. Her home was so welcoming. Her father was this super awesome dude and he would include me in things and even pay things for me just for the sake of it. I guess he wanted her to feel confortable in her house by making it ok to have me there. Nice man. Wish to be like him someday.

 

[Salty]

It doesn't really sounds specific, but it is. It's that I can't go into further detail without having a breakdown, which I don't want. It wasn't the things that we did, but how we did and spend time together. I'm not joking when I say that even the videos we sent to each other had this special flavor.
Human emotions suck, i guess haha

There's this one specific thing I can talk about without going crazy. Her home was so welcoming. Her father was this super awesome dude and he would include me in things and even pay things for me just for the sake of it. I guess he wanted her to feel confortable in her house by making it ok to have me there. Nice man. Wish to be like him someday.

I can relate to how you feel.... and they are all magic unique moments at that time. It sucks

has it been a long time?

"Wish to be like him someday". He probably has been hurt in the past which makes him the kind person he is today!

 

[Eternal🌈Rainbow]

[...] In my case, she wasn't any girl. She was my best friend whom I met again after years of being isolated. She helped me go out more, believe in myself and see the worth in life. That happened while we were still friends by the way. I feel in love with not only her, but her families, her friends, our dates, our general dynamic. It's impossible for anyone else to replicate it. [...]
I know I sound like a broken record, but it's so fucking painful. [...]
I'm so tired of waking up and being miserable. It seems like I'm getting worse by the minute, really.

You describe her with so much love and so beautifully, and the relationship you had, and the memories, and the love you had and still have for her. I wish she could see it and came back to you. I really believe you deserve it.
And don't worry, take it off your chest as much as you need to. I understand. I think about my person every hour, sometimes I could say even every minute. It's torture. And it's worse not having anyone to share your pain with.
I truly wish you can find some relief, whatever way that may be (since we can't encourage...).
Much love

Mine was my angel too and I loved him romantically but you don't need romantic love to grieve a loss. Platonic love can be equally as strong and that's a new pain in and of itself

It wasn't platonic.. I had just lost my Mum, and he came out of nowhere like a freaking walking rainbow showering me with a kind of love and joy and comfort I hadn't experienced and felt ever before, just with/from my Mum. He fitted into the role of the loving mother I had just lost, and also the loving father I'd never had. My Guardian angel
I'm sorry just needed to write that. I love him

Much love to you beautiful soul @mblum

 

[Funeralprincess]

i resonate with so much of what you say, OP. it is the same for me. similar to college too - my loss lead to my expulsion and any chance of getting a degree. it might seem offensive to others but i feel like maybe the reason people are able to move on is because it might not have been true love. when it is, it can be impossible. when you know you know and that person is irreplaceable. they consume your life and when they leave the things you used to do before - even the independent ones- your hobbies, your interests are just unenjoyable. i too can't be around to see her with the man she left me for, it is a terrible pain.

Thank you so much. It's so nice to be understood because I always thought every relationship ending is eventually just get over, but… but not this one. When it's true love, that's how you will know. I love him so much and it won't fade away. I'm very broken inside knowing I cannot be with him again and that he will find new love. He has zero idea how much it's torn me apart

 

[Funeralprincess]

I attempted suicide bcs of failed relationship
And I tell you, it is not worth it. Trust me

To you, it's not worth it. Every situation is different

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I don't think it's a legitimate reason to CTB, at least not for me. Not just of itself.

I met a girl in high school. She was, actually, my best friend's girlfriend at the time. She was a couple years younger than either of us. When I first met her (we'll call her "D" from now on) it was at his house after school. It was one of those things at the time that you don't realize the significance of it, being young and dumb. I'll never forget walking in his front door and seeing D sitting on a bed they had set up in their living room. Our eyes met and I just couldn't take my eyes off of her, nor she me. It was like those things that are portrayed in the movies across rooms, except this was real, and it actually happened. She was my friend's "step-sister", in quotes because his mom and her dad had not, yet, married. But, they had everyone (I think like 9 total people) living in one small house and it was crowded. I guess my feelings, and hers, became known, eventually, and we got together. But, it was an up, and down, and up, and down roller-coaster ride.

Her dad had six kids from his previous marriage, and he and his ex-wife lost all of them to foster care. He was in the process of trying to straighten his shit out and get them back. Coincidentally, he bought a house right around the corner from my father's house and started to get his kids back. That was great because D and I were so near to each other. D used to get up early in the morning every day and leave notes under my windshield wiper before I went to work. D used to come down and just sit with me for hours in my dad's garage while I did bodywork on an old car I was fixing up. Things were really good then. I was just 18 years old and things were good. Until they weren't. Her dad lost the kids, again, and they ended up in different foster houses. D ended up across town and I was unable to see her because the foster family was really strict, although we did talk on the phone as often as possible. Over many months the talking on the phone slowed down to a trickle and eventually stopped. I started seeing someone else.

Eventually, months later, D's dad got her and the other kids back again. Pretty much right away I found myself drawn to her again, which resulted (obviously) in bringing my current relationship I was in to an end. D came back a little different, though. She was pregnant from someone she had met while in her last foster house. It didn't matter to me and the father didn't want anything to do with the, eventual, child that would be arriving (as I was told). Well, D's baby arrived and all was good still. After some time, normal bickering and the like resulted in us breaking up. Again, I found a new girlfriend, and D probably found a new boyfriend, but something would happen, and I can't remember what it is, that drove us back together again. So, I had to end the other relationship I was in and D had to do the same. This scenario played itself out one more time, with a breakup between me and D, each of us finding new relationships in the interim, only to find ourselves drawn back to each other, and then having to end relationships with others. Eventually, we broke up and moved on.

Years later, I met someone, we got pregnant, I proposed, I bought a house, and we moved in together. She had two kids from a previous relationship. Long story short, she lost the baby but we stayed together. We argued a lot. No violence or anything, but we fought all the time. I didn't trust her and she never gave me a good reason to trust her. I guess it's just difficult to try and make a relationship work with step-children involved (not real step-children since we weren't married, but same scenario). I just wasn't ready for all that. We drifted apart more and more and broke up. It was a bad break-up for sure.

I don't know why it happened, but after the break-up with my fiance', I was staying at my dad's house for a short time, even though I had my house. Maybe just to be around people. I don't know. I'll never forget this day. It was Superbowl Sunday 1998. I was getting ready to go into work in the morning, and I was listening to the news on TV. I just caught a little of the story, but I heard D's last name mentioned. I went out to the living room and listened more to the story and found out that a young woman was in the hospital after being beat on the head by her husband with a frying pan, and her daughter had been tied-up in the basement and held hostage. The story was about D and the daughter she had while we were together, now older, maybe 7 or 8, but I'm not sure. I knew D had married some guy (not the father of the daughter) and were living in a duplex that D's dad had purchased. I went to work, but found out later that day that D had succumbed to her injuries and that the police had convinced the husband to let the daughter go and to surrender. As more of the story came out, apparently D wasn't feeling good that day and was trying to take a nap on the couch, but her husband wanted D to get up and make him some food. When she wouldn't, he tied the daughter up in the basement, then went and got a frying pan and beat D on her head repeatedly.

Fast forward to about 7 or 8 years ago. I was sitting around doing some reflection on my life and I had one of those "epiphany" moments. It was something I had never realized before and everything made sense all at once. When D and I were together, and then would break-up, and then would get back together, and then would break-up again, and then would get back together again, three times in total, and when I had new girlfriends each time, it was ALWAYS D that I found myself drawn to again and again. She was the ONE who always came between me and a current girlfriend at the time. Yes, the first thing that would happen is that D and I had a physical encounter. In those instances, the physical encounters led to my having to break-up with current girlfriends, and D having to break-up with current boyfriends.

The other part of the "epiphany" is that, even though I never physically cheated with D when I was engaged to my fiance', I did cheat on my fiance' emotionally. I never realized it at the time, but all I ever did in my mind was compare my fiance' to D, in every and all aspects of our relationship. I just never put it together at the time. D still managed to get in the way, albeit not physically. And no, I don't blame D for that. I don't blame anyone, not even myself. Looking back, I couldn't help myself and didn't even realize what was going on. I only realized all this 18 years after me and my fiance' broke up.

This has to make me amongst the dumbest pieces-of-shit to have ever walked this earth. Why couldn't I have realized all of this earlier, before D was murdered? In some way or fashion, physically, emotionally, or both, D got in between me and EVERY other relationship I had since meeting her, right up until my last one 25 years ago with my ex-fiance'. It's just so blatantly obvious and I just couldn't see it. D was THE ONE that comes around once in a lifetime and before I could understand that, she was taken from me. After I realized this, I made a vow to D that I would never pursue or have another relationship with anyone, and I haven't, and I won't. I go to "see" her at the cemetery all the time and tell her how sorry I am for not realizing sooner that she was THE ONE for me and that I couldn't save her, or save us.

The whole point in telling this story is to say that I still don't think it's enough to CTB just because you lost the love of your life. I lost the love of my life, the one who only comes around once, but still have hung around for 25 years, although I did so because I knew my parents needed me. They're both gone now and my work , whatever it has been in this shit-hole place called earth, is done. I'm just saying I think there has to be more than just a lost love. I've had a lot of other bad circumstances happen to me in my life, and the totality of them all is what has driven me to need to CTB. As much as I love D, and ALWAYS will, and as much as my heart aches for her on a daily basis, if all of the other things in my life hadn't happened (or all of the inherent things that comprise me as me wasn't so; I have other issues), I don't think I would be wanting to CTB right now. Well, it won't be right now. I'm getting things in order in my life, which will take just a little while longer. I'm working towards being able to go, and go I shall, mark my words. I plan on keeping my vow to D, so that negates that pathway to any happiness for me. But, there's plenty of other reasons I can never be truly happy. I'm a mess. My life is a mess. Things just get worse as we age, and I don't want to deal with all that. I'm already having some physical issues that just started a couple weeks ago, which I thought I was going to be able to avoid at 56, but, hopefully, probably, being able to CTB at 57 sometime will avoid the worst. Might have to speed things up a bit. Regardless, for me it's not just that D is gone and I can't be with her. That's part of it, no doubt. For me it's more the accumulation of a whole bunch of things that just ended up weighing down one side of a balance scale, which signifies the reasons I need to go, versus the other side of the balance scale, which signifies reasons to stay, and I just can't come up with ANYTHING to put on the side signifying stay. Nothing. And I've tried.

Just think things through and do what is right for you. Do some reflection about your life. Maybe you'll have some kind of epiphany, too. Good luck whatever you decide.

 

[September5th]

Damn, bro. That's an actual heartbroken story. Congratulations on sticking to the promise you made to yourself, I guess...

Also, when you described your dad's house all I could think about was those stereotypical American houses of the late 90's. With American Football on TV, some snacks on the couch and a Dreamcast (although the Dreamcast only released in North America a year later). Don't know why, but I wanted to tell you that XD

As for you, @IneedUMama, thanks for your kind words. The truth is that I don't want her back. I wanted to live our best moments together again, but current her is doing her own thing and I respect that. She's moving on with her life and the best I can do is, well, follow her lead. It was fast, intense, pretty fun, imperfect, lovely, but now it's over. I may never found a love so profound or pure again, but moving forward is the only option. Wish I could see her smile again. I guess past me was a very, VERY, lucky guy (you would understand if you knew the circumstances). He threw it all on the garbage, though. The best I can do is not do that again.