Rue89
Visionary
- Feb 10, 2020
- 2,726
I'm feeling really guilty. Yesterday I found out that my grandma died, and I feel nothing. I can't cry about it. I can't seem to muster up any emotions. She lived across the country; I haven't seen her in years, and rarely talked to her over the phone, the last time being on Christmas. But still she's my grandma, she's family. I should feel at least sad. I feel like an awful person.
I hate these ever-changing feelings I have about my ctb by SN. One day I'm really calm when I'm thinking about it, then the next I'm having really bad anxiety about discomfort from and possibly pain from SN, then another day I'm desperately wanting to drink it right that second. Ugh this sucks. I hope that on ctb day I'll feel calm, but from past experience that's probably asking a lot.
I was thinking about ctb this week, but I made a commitment to take care of someone's cat over the weekend. I know that my death will always inconvenience someone, and I've done this before, holding off to do things for others, but I'm trying to affect as few people as possible, especially people outside my family who don't need to be dragged into this. Am I stupid for doing this? Well I'm going to use this time to clean out my room a bit more and spend lots of time with my cat. Hopefully it will all be over soon.
I hate these ever-changing feelings I have about my ctb by SN. One day I'm really calm when I'm thinking about it, then the next I'm having really bad anxiety about discomfort from and possibly pain from SN, then another day I'm desperately wanting to drink it right that second. Ugh this sucks. I hope that on ctb day I'll feel calm, but from past experience that's probably asking a lot.
I was thinking about ctb this week, but I made a commitment to take care of someone's cat over the weekend. I know that my death will always inconvenience someone, and I've done this before, holding off to do things for others, but I'm trying to affect as few people as possible, especially people outside my family who don't need to be dragged into this. Am I stupid for doing this? Well I'm going to use this time to clean out my room a bit more and spend lots of time with my cat. Hopefully it will all be over soon.