Venting Lost the one person that kept me alive because I’m fucking stupid

[soulkitty]

Earlier this week my best friend ended our friendship. They were so important to me and dear to my heart. They were one of the only things keeping me going. What happened was he started to get very touchy and affectionate with me, I was in love with him and he knew I was trying to get past my feelings so we could stay friends. It was really hard to say no because It felt so amazing to receive affection from the person that I love so deeply. He has feelings for me too. I felt so horrible because he had a girlfriend and I kept wondering if she would be okay with this. I trusted that he wouldn't do something she's uncomfortable with but I should have asked. He was the one who initiated these things everytime, and everytime I just went along with it because I was too afraid and lovestruck to say no. He asked for my consent everytime he did something like that and I kept saying yes. And then one night I had a severe mental breakdown and ran away from my house into the desert, I had cut myself and I was scared and I texted him, my friends found me and brought me back. He stayed the night to make sure I was ok and that's the first time he made sexual advances on me. I still had fresh cuts, hadn't slept in a long time, i was so exhausted and mentally unstable, but he still did that anyways. He kept asking me if it was okay and I just kept saying yes. But very soon after I told him that I don't think we should be doing this. He said I was right and stopped, but then insisted on letting him grab my ass and other stuff so he could "get it out of his system" and I said yes like a dumbass. After that, on another day he made sexual advances again. I asked if his girlfriend would be okay with it and he said yes because he had a free pass apparently. I asked so many times if it would ruin our friendship, and he promised me it wouldn't. So I gave in. And I gave in again and again. At one point before we hung out I asked if we could please just keep it platonic, and stick to hugs and head pats only. He said "good idea, stop me if I start doing those things without thinking" but it's just not that easy for me. I asked before hanging out if we could only do platonic stuff because I just don't have the strength to say no, I feel like he shouldn't have kept trying to have sex with me. He didn't force himself or anything on me but I feel so used. He knew I had strong feelings for him. And that I was trying to get over him because I didn't want to lose him. And then he told his girlfriend about everything and suddenly ended our friendship. He promised me so many times that it would be okay. That he wouldn't ever leave me. But I know he did the right thing by telling her and stop being friends with me, since he cheated. He lied and said she would be fine with it but that's obviously not true. We had such a beautiful friendship, we were constantly laughing and having an amazing time when we hung out, we would bully each other a ton (in a joking friendly way) and could be completely ourselves around eachother. He helped me stay alive so many times, we supported each other through difficult times. we would play video games together and talk about anything and everything for hours and hours. I've never clicked so well with someone before. I loved them so fucking much. But I know I'm a horrible, awful person for not saying no without making 100% sure that his partner was okay with it. I can't imagine the pain that his partner is going through too. Fuck. And his mom died a couple weeks ago. I just hope he's going to be okay. Even though he made mistakes I genuinely still view him as a good and amazing person. It was my choice to do that stuff too since I didn't say no. Despite that I still feel so heartbroken and awful and betrayed and used. He was the last person I had left. I keep wondering if I even deserve to be on this earth for doing such a horrible thing. I feel extremely broken. I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone ever again. I want to die so fucking badly. Everything in my room reminds me of him. His ps4 that he gave me for Christmas, the little cinnamoroll keychain he gave me. I was SA'd by my ex for years and this situation just uprooted all of those horrible memories. On top of all this I might not even have a bedroom or bathroom anymore, I haven't been able to get a job because my mental health has gotten extremely bad. I might have to be back at my parents sleeping on the couch, and my parents place triggers my PTSD so badly because of all of the horrible things that happened there in the past. And this time I won't have anyone, this time I'll have to do it complete alone. I managed to pull through one other time before when I stayed at my parents, but I don't know if I can do it again

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you actually somehow read all of that. I just. I don't have anyone left. I love my other friend but she doesn't respond to my texts often and she's constantly busy, she says she's too busy to hang out but I see her hanging out with people all the time. I live with her and hear her having fun with other people in the living room, but I never get invited anymore. It feels like she's been cold. It's probably because they've had to deal with my poor mental health for so long and they just can't do it anymore. I think I've lost her too. I just sit in my room for days on end not talking to anyone, rotting, not eating. I feel so hopeless and so close to ending it all. I want to recover so badly, find someone someday who cares for me and won't ever leave me. I want to be an artist so badly, I used to draw everyday but I have no passion for it anymore. My dream in life since I was a little girl is to live in Japan, but how am I supposed to do that with student loan debt and not able to hold job. Please anyone just kill me. Please

 

[JOkE2109]

I read this. I don't have any advice or anything but just know you are heard.

 

[piddincir]

Bless you. That is so sad to read.

You have to remember that none of this is your fault. Love is such a complicated thing and it read like this guy took advantage of your good nature.

It makes me angry that guys do this to nice people. I've had friends who have done this to women and it's always made me embarrassed to be a man. If he had a girlfriend he had no right to lead you on knowing your feelings and if I am honest he doesn't sounds like a good person. His girlfriend clearly isn't right for him as you would never cheat on someone you truly love.

For lack of a better analogy love is like a drug, you told him you were trying to get clean but he wouldn't let you. I get it is hard to say no in these situations but he never should have put you in that situation in the first place. You really can't blame yourself for this , I know it's hard but it's not really your fault .

I fell in love with one of my best friends when I was 17. She was single I kept asking her out but she kept saying no as she liked being single but every time she got drunk we would hook up and I would ask again. All my mates kept telling me I was lucky but really I broke me as I felt I was in love with her. It took me ages and a lot of meaningless experiences to open myself up again.

There are nice guys out there but I do get it feels hopeless finding someone special . It took me 25 years to find the love of my life and she recently took her own life after 10 amazing years together. Looking back now I never really loved when I was 17, I didn't really know what love was until I met my wife.

I get the loneliness aspect too. I feel so broken after all this. My friends were all super supportive in the beginning but it's dropped off and everyone has gone back to their own life . I had to quit my job as I just couldn't take it anymore.

It's hard being in a place too that constantly reminds you of that as well. I had to live in the house I found my wife in for 4 months before I had to leave and move back in with my parents as well, which is a constant reminder of why I am here .

You should talk to your friend honestly , tell them you're not in a good way, it probably feels hard to open up but if they're a true friend then they will listen to you and want to help you through all this . If not then they probably aren't a good friend either .

I am sorry you're going through all this . I really feel your pain. Life can be so hard and cruel but there can be beauty and light in it as well.

 

[soulkitty]

Bless you. That is so sad to read.

You have to remember that none of this is your fault. Love is such a complicated thing and it read like this guy took advantage of your good nature.

It makes me angry that guys do this to nice people. I've had friends who have done this to women and it's always made me embarrassed to be a man. If he had a girlfriend he had no right to lead you on knowing your feelings and if I am honest he doesn't sounds like a good person. His girlfriend clearly isn't right for him as you would never cheat on someone you truly love.

For lack of a better analogy love is like a drug, you told him you were trying to get clean but he wouldn't let you. I get it is hard to say no in these situations but he never should have put you in that situation in the first place. You really can't blame yourself for this , I know it's hard but it's not really your fault .

I fell in love with one of my best friends when I was 17. She was single I kept asking her out but she kept saying no as she liked being single but every time she got drunk we would hook up and I would ask again. All my mates kept telling me I was lucky but really I broke me as I felt I was in love with her. It took me ages and a lot of meaningless experiences to open myself up again.

There are nice guys out there but I do get it feels hopeless finding someone special . It took me 25 years to find the love of my life and she recently took her own life after 10 amazing years together. Looking back now I never really loved when I was 17, I didn't really know what love was until I met my wife.

I get the loneliness aspect too. I feel so broken after all this. My friends were all super supportive in the beginning but it's dropped off and everyone has gone back to their own life . I had to quit my job as I just couldn't take it anymore.

It's hard being in a place too that constantly reminds you of that as well. I had to live in the house I found my wife in for 4 months before I had to leave and move back in with my parents as well, which is a constant reminder of why I am here .

You should talk to your friend honestly , tell them you're not in a good way, it probably feels hard to open up but if they're a true friend then they will listen to you and want to help you through all this . If not then they probably aren't a good friend either .

I am sorry you're going through all this . I really feel your pain. Life can be so hard and cruel but there can be beauty and light in it as well.

Thank you so much for this reply and all of the kind words Thank you for saying this isint my fault. Honestly this whole time I have really felt like it is, but hearing someone say it isn't is very relieving. I feel a bit better

It's absolutely heart breaking to hear about your wife, I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine how earth shattering and devastating that was. Im so glad you were able to be with her for 10 years, although I wish you had longer together. Im sure she felt very lucky to have someone who loved and cared about her so deeply.

I hope everything gets better for you, it sounds like you've been through an extreme amount of pain and suffering, you deserve all of the peace and happiness in the world Thank you so much again for showing so much empathy towards a random internet stranger like me. It's given me a little bit of hope, even if it's just a glimmer

 

[piddincir]

Love clouds our better judgements at times but he knew your feelings towards him and your mental state but still led you on anyways.

Too many guys think with one thing if you catch my drift and he should have known and acted better towards his good friend and never put you in this situation in the first place, he knew what he was doing and that you would go along with it given your deep feeling toward him. It comes down to maturity and a lot of guys are very immature in this respect .

He let you down as a friend but also you don't want to be with someone who treats people like this, he clearly lied to you saying his gf would be fine with it and knew you would go along. I am really sorry this is happening to you.

Thanks for you kind words too. It's been nearly impossible to deal with but I know I am lucky to have felt true love and I wouldn't change it for anything.

Love is amazing but also brutal.

I would never tell you what to do with your life if you want to recover then give it a go . You can always end it if it doesn't work out , that's is always there as an option. I had given up on love before I met my life. All I ever wanted was to meet someone like her and it took me a long time to find it. That said it's also the reason I am here.

If you ever feel lonely or isolated and want to chat feel free to message me , I am always here to listen

 

[vitbar]

Honestly you asked if his partner was okay with it and he lied. I don't think you did anything so terrible. Strikes me that you were in a vulnerable place and he took advantage of that. His whole "remind me if I do those things by accident" shtick places the responsibility on your shoulders for his breaking of your established boundaries. Imo he knew you couldn't say no in the moment. It's fucked up and I hope you don't take an unfair portion of the blame along with the fallout from what happened.

 

[Jiyuurakka]

That was very sad to read. I felt this sort of dissonance and confusion that you probably experienced when you went through this, like you were jumping between saying yes and no multiple times in your mind and then just saying yes because you didn't know. That feeling of being used right afterwards must be disgusting. The need to desperately cling onto a safe anchor and a mix of self doubt and longing, only to be left with isolation and a vague sense that you did something wrong, somehow. Finding that heart warming touch and comfort that only a human being can give, only to lose it due to a fleeting sense of confusion and doubt, it must have felt empty to be left alone afterwards.
I can clearly visualise how you're feeling, and I can say with confidence that it was not your doing. It was just a complex mix of feelings and the need to be desperately safe.
Try to take a walk outside under the sky, being under a roof for days on end would feel like hell. Talk to people who perfectly empathise with you. I wish you the best in chasing after whatever you seek.

 

[myopia]

Earlier this week my best friend ended our friendship. They were so important to me and dear to my heart. They were one of the only things keeping me going. What happened was he started to get very touchy and affectionate with me, I was in love with him and he knew I was trying to get past my feelings so we could stay friends. It was really hard to say no because It felt so amazing to receive affection from the person that I love so deeply. He has feelings for me too. I felt so horrible because he had a girlfriend and I kept wondering if she would be okay with this. I trusted that he wouldn't do something she's uncomfortable with but I should have asked. He was the one who initiated these things everytime, and everytime I just went along with it because I was too afraid and lovestruck to say no. He asked for my consent everytime he did something like that and I kept saying yes. And then one night I had a severe mental breakdown and ran away from my house into the desert, I had cut myself and I was scared and I texted him, my friends found me and brought me back. He stayed the night to make sure I was ok and that's the first time he made sexual advances on me. I still had fresh cuts, hadn't slept in a long time, i was so exhausted and mentally unstable, but he still did that anyways. He kept asking me if it was okay and I just kept saying yes. But very soon after I told him that I don't think we should be doing this. He said I was right and stopped, but then insisted on letting him grab my ass and other stuff so he could "get it out of his system" and I said yes like a dumbass. After that, on another day he made sexual advances again. I asked if his girlfriend would be okay with it and he said yes because he had a free pass apparently. I asked so many times if it would ruin our friendship, and he promised me it wouldn't. So I gave in. And I gave in again and again. At one point before we hung out I asked if we could please just keep it platonic, and stick to hugs and head pats only. He said "good idea, stop me if I start doing those things without thinking" but it's just not that easy for me. I asked before hanging out if we could only do platonic stuff because I just don't have the strength to say no, I feel like he shouldn't have kept trying to have sex with me. He didn't force himself or anything on me but I feel so used. He knew I had strong feelings for him. And that I was trying to get over him because I didn't want to lose him. And then he told his girlfriend about everything and suddenly ended our friendship. He promised me so many times that it would be okay. That he wouldn't ever leave me. But I know he did the right thing by telling her and stop being friends with me, since he cheated. He lied and said she would be fine with it but that's obviously not true. We had such a beautiful friendship, we were constantly laughing and having an amazing time when we hung out, we would bully each other a ton (in a joking friendly way) and could be completely ourselves around eachother. He helped me stay alive so many times, we supported each other through difficult times. we would play video games together and talk about anything and everything for hours and hours. I've never clicked so well with someone before. I loved them so fucking much. But I know I'm a horrible, awful person for not saying no without making 100% sure that his partner was okay with it. I can't imagine the pain that his partner is going through too. Fuck. And his mom died a couple weeks ago. I just hope he's going to be okay. Even though he made mistakes I genuinely still view him as a good and amazing person. It was my choice to do that stuff too since I didn't say no. Despite that I still feel so heartbroken and awful and betrayed and used. He was the last person I had left. I keep wondering if I even deserve to be on this earth for doing such a horrible thing. I feel extremely broken. I don't think I'll be able to trust anyone ever again. I want to die so fucking badly. Everything in my room reminds me of him. His ps4 that he gave me for Christmas, the little cinnamoroll keychain he gave me. I was SA'd by my ex for years and this situation just uprooted all of those horrible memories. On top of all this I might not even have a bedroom or bathroom anymore, I haven't been able to get a job because my mental health has gotten extremely bad. I might have to be back at my parents sleeping on the couch, and my parents place triggers my PTSD so badly because of all of the horrible things that happened there in the past. And this time I won't have anyone, this time I'll have to do it complete alone. I managed to pull through one other time before when I stayed at my parents, but I don't know if I can do it again

Thank you from the bottom of my heart if you actually somehow read all of that. I just. I don't have anyone left. I love my other friend but she doesn't respond to my texts often and she's constantly busy, she says she's too busy to hang out but I see her hanging out with people all the time. I live with her and hear her having fun with other people in the living room, but I never get invited anymore. It feels like she's been cold. It's probably because they've had to deal with my poor mental health for so long and they just can't do it anymore. I think I've lost her too. I just sit in my room for days on end not talking to anyone, rotting, not eating. I feel so hopeless and so close to ending it all. I want to recover so badly, find someone someday who cares for me and won't ever leave me. I want to be an artist so badly, I used to draw everyday but I have no passion for it anymore. My dream in life since I was a little girl is to live in Japan, but how am I supposed to do that with student loan debt and not able to hold job. Please anyone just kill me. Please

After reading this, it really doesn't seem like this situation is your fault. At least, not mostly. In my opinion, the blame lies with your friend, who cheated on his girlfriend and then lied to you about having a "free pass." I hope you don't beat yourself up too much— falling in love with your friends is a messy, difficult thing and almost no one goes about it in the right way (I would know.)

I really relate to what you said at the end about feeling so isolated and hopeless about the future. My PMs are open if you need someone to talk to. <3

 

[soulkitty]

That was very sad to read. I felt this sort of dissonance and confusion that you probably experienced when you went through this, like you were jumping between saying yes and no multiple times in your mind and then just saying yes because you didn't know. That feeling of being used right afterwards must be disgusting. The need to desperately cling onto a safe anchor and a mix of self doubt and longing, only to be left with isolation and a vague sense that you did something wrong, somehow. Finding that heart warming touch and comfort that only a human being can give, only to lose it due to a fleeting sense of confusion and doubt, it must have felt empty to be left alone afterwards.
I can clearly visualise how you're feeling, and I can say with confidence that it was not your doing. It was just a complex mix of feelings and the need to be desperately safe.
Try to take a walk outside under the sky, being under a roof for days on end would feel like hell. Talk to people who perfectly empathise with you. I wish you the best in chasing after whatever you seek.

Wow that's exactly how I've been feeling, it's like you read my mind. You described it in a way I never could, thank you so much for empathizing, I feel very seen ♡ your use of words to describe feelings and thoughts is really amazing. I will take your advice as best as I can ☆ I wish you the best as well in chasing after what you seek!! :)

After reading this, it really doesn't seem like this situation is your fault. At least, not mostly. In my opinion, the blame lies with your friend, who cheated on his girlfriend and then lied to you about having a "free pass." I hope you don't beat yourself up too much— falling in love with your friends is a messy, difficult thing and almost no one goes about it in the right way (I would know.)

I really relate to what you said at the end about feeling so isolated and hopeless about the future. My PMs are open if you need someone to talk to. <3

Thank you for saying that tbh I feel like some things are definitely my fault and I messed up as well, and I really regret it. But I will try my best not to beat myself up and feel horrible, and instead learn from it. I really appreciate the kind words, and I'm sorry you're feeling isolated and hopeless about the future as well :( it's an awful feeling I would not wish on most people <3