Venting Lost the desire to CTB

[bcl001]

My setup is complete and has been for nearly a week. At any moment, I can go downstairs, sit in my comfy workshop chair, take the four Valium and two shots of vodka I've already measured out, don my exit bag, turn on the gas and then boom, lights out. From almost any given time I could be unconscious within 2 minutes and dead within 20.

I've prepared for this. I came off my anti depressants, stopped doing the things I enjoy, stopped eating, broke it off with a lovely girl to spare her some pain, wrote my letters, my will, had final pleasant interactions with those I care about.

And yet for some reason I'm still here.... And I'm kind of pissed about it. It's not like this is a rash decision. I've been suicidal for as long as I can recall. It can't be a lack of courage. Two weeks ago I stepped into a noose, lost consciousness but then had the knot blow. I recovered, stood up and stepped in again only to lose and then regain consciousness again. I now have the scaring to prove it. I already shouldn't even be here.

So why am I still here? Every day its harder and harder to get going yet I can't seem to push myself over the edge. Daily I go down and sit in my chair hoping to get the courage only to return upstairs, smoke a joint and then fall asleep.

 

[The Schizoid]

It's either part of you wants to live or you're simply scared to do it.

 

[strangelife]

My setup is complete and has been for nearly a week. At any moment, I can go downstairs, sit in my comfy workshop chair, take the four Valium and two shots of vodka I've already measured out, don my exit bag, turn on the gas and then boom, lights out. From almost any given time I could be unconscious within 2 minutes and dead within 20.

I've prepared for this. I came off my anti depressants, stopped doing the things I enjoy, stopped eating, broke it off with a lovely girl to spare her some pain, wrote my letters, my will, had final pleasant interactions with those I care about.

And yet for some reason I'm still here.... And I'm kind of pissed about it. It's not like this is a rash decision. I've been suicidal for as long as I can recall. It can't be a lack of courage. Two weeks ago I stepped into a noose, lost consciousness but then had the knot blow. I recovered, stood up and stepped in again only to lose and then regain consciousness again. I now have the scaring to prove it. I already shouldn't even be here.

So why am I still here? Every day its harder and harder to get going yet I can't seem to push myself over the edge. Daily I go down and sit in my chair hoping to get the courage only to return upstairs, smoke a joint and then fall asleep.

I think this is normal, especially when the action is deliberate and planned and not suddenly and emotionally. Perhaps you start to think that there is something else in this life that holds you back, or the fear of going nowhere, where there is nothing anymore, there are no thoughts or feelings, but there is relief from suffering and a very difficult choice in the balance. Even smoking is life too.

 

[theboy]

It is not your time to die and besides, Si is saving you.

 

[LifeIsCrazyNemb]

My setup is complete and has been for nearly a week. At any moment, I can go downstairs, sit in my comfy workshop chair, take the four Valium and two shots of vodka I've already measured out, don my exit bag, turn on the gas and then boom, lights out. From almost any given time I could be unconscious within 2 minutes and dead within 20.

I've prepared for this. I came off my anti depressants, stopped doing the things I enjoy, stopped eating, broke it off with a lovely girl to spare her some pain, wrote my letters, my will, had final pleasant interactions with those I care about.

And yet for some reason I'm still here.... And I'm kind of pissed about it. It's not like this is a rash decision. I've been suicidal for as long as I can recall. It can't be a lack of courage. Two weeks ago I stepped into a noose, lost consciousness but then had the knot blow. I recovered, stood up and stepped in again only to lose and then regain consciousness again. I now have the scaring to prove it. I already shouldn't even be here.

So why am I still here? Every day its harder and harder to get going yet I can't seem to push myself over the edge. Daily I go down and sit in my chair hoping to get the courage only to return upstairs, smoke a joint and then fall asleep.

Hello
Take your time and dont push too much. Our body and mind were designed to survive and avoid death, so thats why its so complicated so CTB.

Frankly speaking i envy those who can easly make the final step and calmly execute their CTB plan. To fight against SI Im trying to kind make a daily meditation focusing on rationalizing on the reasons why id want to CTB.

Im sure soon you will find your way out. Good luck!