Chronosphere
Student
- Jan 17, 2024
- 139
Just a month and a half ago I was in a state of total determination of killing myself. I made my preparations in a couple of weeks and was so confident that I am going to die that it was just silly. I felt like nothing can stop me.
I was suicidal for almost 20 years, but I never did the actual attempt like that. It's surreal to me that I've managed to do it.
After the attempt I am still pretty confident how to do it right how to not fail next time. But I've lost that feeling of determination.
It's like for a month I was wanting something. Had a real goal. Like normal humans.
And it's gone. I've lost it. I've lost myself, I once again returned to a state of an automaton who just functions because he was created this way and have no self-conscious whatsoever.
I want to die. But I can't do anything except lying and watching the ceiling. I hope that feeling, that state of mind will return to me, and I'll finally finish the job. Psychiatrist say that most of those who attempted suicide will try it and succeed in the following year. It's inspiring. Like statistics lay hand on my shoulder and say "you can do it".
Also this site was with me in my most valuable moment in life. Thank you all, sincerely. This site is like the only place I've ever felt like at home. I really really afraid to lose it because some fuckers try to close this site because of some legal bullshit. Just fuck them.
I was suicidal for almost 20 years, but I never did the actual attempt like that. It's surreal to me that I've managed to do it.
After the attempt I am still pretty confident how to do it right how to not fail next time. But I've lost that feeling of determination.
It's like for a month I was wanting something. Had a real goal. Like normal humans.
And it's gone. I've lost it. I've lost myself, I once again returned to a state of an automaton who just functions because he was created this way and have no self-conscious whatsoever.
I want to die. But I can't do anything except lying and watching the ceiling. I hope that feeling, that state of mind will return to me, and I'll finally finish the job. Psychiatrist say that most of those who attempted suicide will try it and succeed in the following year. It's inspiring. Like statistics lay hand on my shoulder and say "you can do it".
Also this site was with me in my most valuable moment in life. Thank you all, sincerely. This site is like the only place I've ever felt like at home. I really really afraid to lose it because some fuckers try to close this site because of some legal bullshit. Just fuck them.
