Lost best friend to CTB

[heartinacage]

I woke up on the 17th of Feb and checked my messages. Nothing particularly interesting, just a couple of memes my best friend sent me after I went to bed. I went to check my e-mail and saw I had an e-mail from her. It was a scheduled goodbye note. She asked me to call the police to 'come pick her up'. I didn't want to believe it. I called her on her phone and then on FB but no one picked up. I called the police, they told me they were aware of the situation (I'm sure she sent her ex an e-mail too, I suppose he was quicker than me). They said they would contact me but they didn't so I called later and after spending quite a while on hold and having to spell my name again (I was calling from abroad). They told me they notified her family so I just... cried. It took me more than a week to gather the courage to talk to her mother about it.

The thing is... I knew. I knew that she wanted to do it, I knew about her other attempts. Back in November I visited her abroad where she was studying and I would catch her browsing r/suicide. I was away one evening to go to a concert and when I came back she told me excitedly that she'd learned how to tie a noose in the meantime. A few days later she told me that she found this website and that she was very pleased to find likeminded people. I don't know how she did it but she had SN and she was talking about it often.

Not gonna lie, folks. I am angry. I keep reading our conversations and I keep wondering what else I could have done. I am trying to understand your (and hers too) pro-choice frame of mind and I understand that some people ultimately have no other choice, but I thought she would be able to recover. I hoped she would. I am angry at everything that has ever hurt her and made her think that she is not worthy of love or that she won't ever find it again. I am angry at the world in itself.

I'm trying not to think about it and I'm trying to accept that she ultimately got what she wanted and that she isn't struggling anymore. It still feels surreal, it's like she is still there, just not talking to me. Her funeral is on Friday, but it is in her home town which is 9 hours away. I know it would probably be a nice thing to do and her mother told me she would appreciate it, but I am struggling to find the point in any of this. What's the point. What's the point. What's the point.

As for me, I've been in this I don't wanna live but I don't wanna die kind of mindset for a few years now. I am pretty sure that I have depression but I haven't been properly diagnosed yet. I went to a couple of psychologists last year but I didn't trust them enough to go see them more than once and dive into the situation(s). At this point I pretty much hate everything and think it's all pointless but I still struggle to improve my existence. It's not working very well. She went to therapy too and she was on meds and I encouraged her to keep seeking help until it worked for her. Quite hypocritical of me to encourage her to keep doing these things while I believed they would never help me but I knew I could cope and stay alive.

So here I am. I've been feeling empty and hopeless and extremely tired for the past 2 years at least. I can rarely concentrate on things. I was browsing some threads earlier and I couldn't concentrate on reading more than 10 replies so I don't know how I can expect anyone to pay attention to what I'm writing now. Whatever.

Oh, yea. What I wanted to say was that I don't know how to feel about it. I've had family members pass away before but it was of old age and I was either too young (before) or too emotionally detached (now) to have a proper reaction. So this is the first death in my life that really struck something in me and I don't know what to feel and what to do. The more I think about it, the more I believe she was right to do what she did although I have claimed that I wouldn't end my life even though it's like chewing a month-old piece of gum and occasionally accidentally violently biting your lip.

TLDR my best friend was a member of this website and she decided to CTB; I think I'm depressed and this fact paired with the fact that this has been the first death in my life to affect me made me even more hopeless and confused. I encouraged her to keep seeking mental health help but I don't practice what I preach. I am convinced that I'll be in this depressing limbo forever because I can't seem to make my life better nor have the courage to end it.

 

[Lostnotfound]

Thankyou for sharing. I have no words that will help you. I wish that those who are meant to care about me could realise what you say when you are beating yourself up over the fact that you knew - maybe they would take my situation a little more seriously, but they wont, and that's my situation not yours.

If you can then go to her funeral, it will help to say goodbye to a degree. It wont take away the hurt but being with those who also cared about her will give you a chance to talk about her and start the grieving process. Its the 'thing' that is done in society, a show of respect to some.

 

[heartinacage]

Its the 'thing' that is done in society, a show of respect to some.

I am pretty much done with things like that. I also started hating holidays and celebrations. Not in the punk way of turning against the system, I'm just ignoring it all. Everyone is free to do whatever they want but I don't want to be a part of it.

And about the grieving part... Maybe being there would make me properly realise that she is physically gone. I'm having a hard time properly digesting the information no matter how many times I talk about it. I cry at times but I'm mostly numb and that's the worst and I'm afraid that at some point it's going to really hit me and it's going to hit me hard. I'm trying to take care of myself and to take steps to improve my life because that's what she would have wanted because she cared about me and people in general very much, but it feels so selfish and unfair to get better and just keep living while she won't be able to experience anything ever again.

 

[BlackPoppet]

I woke up on the 17th of Feb and checked my messages. Nothing particularly interesting, just a couple of memes my best friend sent me after I went to bed. I went to check my e-mail and saw I had an e-mail from her. It was a scheduled goodbye note. She asked me to call the police to 'come pick her up'. I didn't want to believe it. I called her on her phone and then on FB but no one picked up. I called the police, they told me they were aware of the situation (I'm sure she sent her ex an e-mail too, I suppose he was quicker than me). They said they would contact me but they didn't so I called later and after spending quite a while on hold and having to spell my name again (I was calling from abroad). They told me they notified her family so I just... cried. It took me more than a week to gather the courage to talk to her mother about it.

The thing is... I knew. I knew that she wanted to do it, I knew about her other attempts. Back in November I visited her abroad where she was studying and I would catch her browsing r/suicide. I was away one evening to go to a concert and when I came back she told me excitedly that she'd learned how to tie a noose in the meantime. A few days later she told me that she found this website and that she was very pleased to find likeminded people. I don't know how she did it but she had SN and she was talking about it often.

Not gonna lie, folks. I am angry. I keep reading our conversations and I keep wondering what else I could have done. I am trying to understand your (and hers too) pro-choice frame of mind and I understand that some people ultimately have no other choice, but I thought she would be able to recover. I hoped she would. I am angry at everything that has ever hurt her and made her think that she is not worthy of love or that she won't ever find it again. I am angry at the world in itself.

I'm trying not to think about it and I'm trying to accept that she ultimately got what she wanted and that she isn't struggling anymore. It still feels surreal, it's like she is still there, just not talking to me. Her funeral is on Friday, but it is in her home town which is 9 hours away. I know it would probably be a nice thing to do and her mother told me she would appreciate it, but I am struggling to find the point in any of this. What's the point. What's the point. What's the point.

As for me, I've been in this I don't wanna live but I don't wanna die kind of mindset for a few years now. I am pretty sure that I have depression but I haven't been properly diagnosed yet. I went to a couple of psychologists last year but I didn't trust them enough to go see them more than once and dive into the situation(s). At this point I pretty much hate everything and think it's all pointless but I still struggle to improve my existence. It's not working very well. She went to therapy too and she was on meds and I encouraged her to keep seeking help until it worked for her. Quite hypocritical of me to encourage her to keep doing these things while I believed they would never help me but I knew I could cope and stay alive.

So here I am. I've been feeling empty and hopeless and extremely tired for the past 2 years at least. I can rarely concentrate on things. I was browsing some threads earlier and I couldn't concentrate on reading more than 10 replies so I don't know how I can expect anyone to pay attention to what I'm writing now. Whatever.

Oh, yea. What I wanted to say was that I don't know how to feel about it. I've had family members pass away before but it was of old age and I was either too young (before) or too emotionally detached (now) to have a proper reaction. So this is the first death in my life that really struck something in me and I don't know what to feel and what to do. The more I think about it, the more I believe she was right to do what she did although I have claimed that I wouldn't end my life even though it's like chewing a month-old piece of gum and occasionally accidentally violently biting your lip.

TLDR my best friend was a member of this website and she decided to CTB; I think I'm depressed and this fact paired with the fact that this has been the first death in my life to affect me made me even more hopeless and confused. I encouraged her to keep seeking mental health help but I don't practice what I preach. I am convinced that I'll be in this depressing limbo forever because I can't seem to make my life better nor have the courage to end it.

I'm so so sorry to hear about your friend. Im here if you need someone to talk to. Hugs from me to you.

 

[Lostnotfound]

I am pretty much done with things like that. I also started hating holidays and celebrations. Not in the punk way of turning against the system, I'm just ignoring it all. Everyone is free to do whatever they want but I don't want to be a part of it.

And about the grieving part... Maybe being there would make me properly realise that she is physically gone. I'm having a hard time properly digesting the information no matter how many times I talk about it. I cry at times but I'm mostly numb and that's the worst and I'm afraid that at some point it's going to really hit me and it's going to hit me hard. I'm trying to take care of myself and to take steps to improve my life because that's what she would have wanted because she cared about me and people in general very much, but it feels so selfish and unfair to get better and just keep living while she won't be able to experience anything ever again.

I'm no expert at this sort of thing but maybe you cant grasp the fact that she is gone because life goes on. Maybe it will take an event (the funeral) for you to process the fact she has gone and start grieving. My grandparents died when I was young and I remember being in a funeral car and couldn't comprehend that the world was going on and their lives had stopped. Its all very surreal and everyone reacts differently. You have to do what you have to do to get through it but maybe the funeral is the first step in that

 

[BlackPoppet]

My Grandad died when I was nine. He was a second world war hero in the navy. He was my hero. I've never got over his death. I haven't been the same since. When he died, apart of me died with him.

 

[Jean4]

I am so sorry for your loss. My partner CTB on December 8. I know the anger. I know the sadness.

Realize this. Your friends pain was so great you could not fathom how bad it was.

Then think of this. Your friend is now out of pain. That should be comforting.

I know how much you cared about your friend. If you cared as much about your friend as I know you obviously do, then your pain is secondary.

I want to die every second of every day. But I would rather be in pain than have him suffer.

Know your friend is at peace. Also know that the best thing you can do is keep her memory alive. That means her life mattered.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

 

[heartinacage]

I noticed that you are a new member here, and therefore not sure if you have any preconceived ideas about this site or not. But I can tell you that this site consists of a lot of very compassionate people who care about others—and care about life.

I know that she felt embraced by the community and that she even made a couple of friends in the short time she's been here. I also know that there are less wholesome people here one of which she was in contact with through the partnership thread. Long story short he got arrested for some shady stuff that I don't know the specifics of and she had the police contact her and give statements and so on adding up to the sense of dread she was feeling about life. Tipping the balance in the wrong way. Anyway, I was very surprised that such a website exists and very much publicly so. I was wondering how many people got in legal trouble because of it.

Another thing that seems a bit weird and sad to me is how many messages are posted in the suicide discussion vs the recovery section. Really deepens my hopelessness. Maybe I shouldn't be here.

 

[streams20]

You are not alone

 

[heartinacage]

Whereas ctb is an option, it is a decision that should not be taken lightly, and all options for recovery should be explored first and foremost, and this is encouraged here.

This is what I believe as well, by 'Maybe I shouldn't be here' I was referring to this forum. I've been expressing these feelings to my IRL connections as well, nothing seems to help. I am in indecision hell.

 

[Lostnotfound]

This is what I believe as well, by 'Maybe I shouldn't be here' I was referring to this forum. I've been expressing these feelings to my IRL connections as well, nothing seems to help. I am in indecision hell.

Don't beat yourself up - its early days.

 

[Jean4]

This is what I believe as well, by 'Maybe I shouldn't be here' I was referring to this forum. I've been expressing these feelings to my IRL connections as well, nothing seems to help. I am in indecision hell.

We are glad you are here even if you choose to stay.

 

[LittleJem]

@heartinacage I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

I am personally pro-choice when it comes to CTB, especially when someone has been in pain for a long time and treatment has failed. But from your posts, it really sounds to me like you know you need some help and support, and this has knocked you for six, and also shown you how much you need help and support.

It's really common afte rsomeone CTBs for people around them to wonder if they could have changed things. Take this wondering and apply it to yourself - please use this as a chance to get help in the honour of your friend. It is better to catch depression, rather than let it drag on for years. And you deserve support and care.

The friends that encouraged me to go to the doctor are valuable - and I would like to do the same for you. Meds can help - and you can always come off them.

If you want to try something natural firs,t St John's Wort can be very helpful -it is prescribed in Germany for depresison for example. It is worht researching St John's Wort.

I don't know what else to say about the loss of yoru friend, other than I hope your friend is in a happier place now, nad I send you y love and best wishes.

I@m too sleepy to correct my spelling errors to hope you['ll forgive me. All best wishes and may you be comforted.

 

[Jean4]

@heartinacage I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

I am personally pro-choice when it comes to CTB, especially when someone has been in pain for a long time and treatment has failed. But from your posts, it really sounds to me like you know you need some help and support, and this has knocked you for six, and also shown you how much you need help and support.

It's really common afte rsomeone CTBs for people around them to wonder if they could have changed things. Take this wondering and apply it to yourself - please use this as a chance to get help in the honour of your friend. It is better to catch depression, rather than let it drag on for years. And you deserve support and care.

The friends that encouraged me to go to the doctor are valuable - and I would like to do the same for you. Meds can help - and you can always come off them.

If you want to try something natural firs,t St John's Wort can be very helpful -it is prescribed in Germany for depresison for example. It is worht researching St John's Wort.

I don't know what else to say about the loss of yoru friend, other than I hope your friend is in a happier place now, nad I send you y love and best wishes.

I@m too sleepy to correct my spelling errors to hope you['ll forgive me. All best wishes and may you be comforted.

Your post was perfect... and go to sleep! Tucking you in.

 

[LittleJem]

Your post was perfect... and go to sleep! Tucking you in.

It's soooo good to be in bed!!! Sending love to you @Jean4 and thank you.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so sorry you lost your friend *big hug *

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm so sorry for what you've experienced. Over thirty years ago I lost someone to suicide and I understand the pain. It was abrupt, no one expected it, he left no note. In fact it made me pro-life for a very long time. I am glad you had some warning to prepare you, that you've seen her posts, that you saw she was cared for here, and that you at least can comprehend pro-choice and her personal decision.

From life experience, I'd say do what feels right for you about the funeral. Funerals are for the living, not the ones who have passed. Having been on this site daily for two months and witnessed countless discussions about impending funerals, I can confidently say that I sincerely doubt she had a preference that you attend the service. I believe she would more likely have wanted you to do what is best for you. I don't know who she was, but that's how most people here seem to feel if they talk about it.

I acknowledge that the recovery section of this site is a nice idea in theory. But most folks who decide to seek living don't generally hang around since the site is so heavily focused on not hanging around. But many find a community here, and this section allows them to maintain their place here if they choose it, or to gently transition away.

Yes, there is a dark side. The internet is like a dark alley; savvy awareness and self-protection are required at all times. I am so sorry to hear that her trust was abused and her safety put at risk having engaged in the partners thread. Wherever there is need and want, such as loneliness, fear, and a desire for support, there will be someone who tries to take advantage. That is a hard fact of life, and certain environments, such as this one, are as much magnets for predators as for the vulnerable who come to take advantage of the site's purpose to offer support and compassion. AA is the same way; it is common knowledge that new women seeking support for the hard work of sobriety are instantly preyed upon, and veteran members try to protect them. There are many here to try to protect other members by calling out predatory behaviors when we are aware. Please know that if I'd had a personal relationship with your friend, I would have done my best to advise her and help her protect herself. I am glad she got through it with the support of law enforcement, and not their dismissal or abuse.

I'm grateful you reached out here. You did it so eloquently, honestly, and respectfully. It was a reminder to all who read it that ending one's life is not a decision to be taken lightly, and it is a comfort by proxy to know how much you cared. I am glad to acknowledge you and say I am so sorry for your pain in losing your best friend, and for the challenges and struggles in your own life. I would give you a hug and cry with you. I'd hold your hand and try to help you find whatever support you seek for making your life the best it can possibly be. I wish you a gentle and supported recovery as you grieve your dear friend's withdrawal from life. I am a stranger on the internet whose life is breifly touching yours, but my heart has heard your pain and conflicting thoughts and emotions, and I hope your heart has heard and is even slightly comforted by my empathy, respect, and compassion for you, as well as for your friend.

 

[justexisting]

Hi.. I read all your post! My bestfriend ctb as well.. her sister told me she posted her goodbye saying she was going to ctb for sure May and that she drank SN on may2 I've been trying to find her but no luck.. I wish I knew what she was thinking. She was good at hiding her emotions.
I feel the exact same way you feel! I lost my gpa but he lived a great life.. my bestfriend was only 25.. we did everything together and suddenly she got an apartment and that became her cocoon.. she ignored me a lot .. she ignored her family as well. Last time I saw her was in January but we were always on videochat on this app called bigo and people would send us money so we liked being on it (all pg13)...we talked all the time through there. I'd invite her places but she would use the "I have a lot of pimples" and she would not go out.
She left a letter asking that she never wanted to be seen because she knew how she would look. I could not believe it and could not accept it.. I was her closest friend and pretty much the only one she hung out with for the last 3 years of her life. We lived in two different cities about :45mins apart and she always spent her days at my house her mom was always worried but she always told her where she was.. the day of her funeral I was parked outside because I couldn't go in to her service but could follow to the burial. Her mom approached my car and first thing she is if I was that girl from "xxxxx" I said yes and we talked. I was able to say goodbye.. I held her hand she was cold.. she had make up on but you can see that her skin was blue.. she was swollen.
I can't seem to understand. I had tried to ctb dec2019 but was found..I'm happy I was found because I could not imagine hurting my mom like that. I see my bestfriends mom and you can see her pain. You can hear it in her cry.. it's the worst. But now I feel so sad everyday.. I don't know why I'm still here. I resort to drugs to go through my days.. and I don't want to go to a therapist. I don't want to talk to anybody. I wish she was here.

 

[justexisting]

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I didn't mean to post that period I just don't know how to delete a post. Srry lol

 

[Silvermorning]

You need to delete the post, but no worries.

 

[death becomes her]

how do you delete a post