Loss of interest and imminent CTBing

[WorthlessTrash]

Obligatory disclaimer that some people will probably ignore anyways: No encouraging me to better myself, telling me to treat my dysphoria, yada yada yada. Is there even a point to this disclaimer?

Another useless thought dump.

As someone who believes their suicide is imminent and is planning to CTB before the year's end, I find it especially difficult to care about things, especially hobbies that I once enjoyed. One particular hobby is a card game that I played competitively, and recently became relatively good at. However, ever since my dysphoria festered in May of last year, it became a matter of "what the fuck is the point?". Everything I do is in vein anyways. In the end, no matter how much I accomplish at this game, I am still me and I am still a "he". I will still bare this self hatred. Like what could I accomplish (that I desire) as a male that I could not as a (physically) female? I think that is what it all boils down to me. Just what is the point of doing anything when my circumstances at birth won't change?

The same can be said for "working out". 3ish? years ago I was watching my weight, limiting my food consumption, walking 4-8 hours a day, and even taking hydroxycut. I have lost close to 80 LBs in the span of 5 months and was borderline 200 lbs (was close to 280 lbs prior going on that weight loss binge, and am now 300+ after dysphoria kicking in). Ofc I wasn't doing this for myself. I was doing this to attract the opposite sex in hopes of falling for each other and getting my mind off my dysphoria (which worked back in 2014-2015), but nowadays I don't even care about relationships so I have no reason to even "work on myself". Why bother lose weight if I am going to hate my body and myself either way? And why bother if I am just going to off myself eventually anyways? Maybe the whole "people cannot love you unless you love yourself first" trope is true in my case? Probably not since I hated myself even back in 2014.

There's just so much I could do as an attractive female while still accomplishing what I want to. Hell, if I was a "pro player" in the competitive card game and I was an attractive female, I believe I could market myself (not in the OF sense) and create my own brand as another upside to being attractive. I guess one of the reasons I am dysphoric is because of all of the opportunities for attractive women out there in the gaming scene and whatnot. Perhaps I am wrong for thinking this way? Idk. I just feel like the women empowerment movement has led me to believe that being a female is so much better than being a male. Of course women (especially attractive women) have their own struggles against creeps and whatnot, but I would like to think I'd take those struggles if it meant that I wouldn't hate myself like I do now and I wouldn't feel dead inside with constant jealousy towards others.

I feel at a crossroads here. I want to partake in my hobbies while I wait for the bus to stop for me, but I just cannot give a shit about them. I barely even have the energy to get out of bed in the morning and it usually takes me 3+ hours to. How long is untreated GD suppose to take to kill me? and does it always lead to suiide? I am waiting patiently to be pushed over the edge (perhaps pun intended?) and I am just tired of waiting.. I am a useless piece of crap whom is taking up the world's resources and sucking up oxygen. I should be dead already! I wish I wasn't a chicken shit and would just meet the bus early already....

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand having no energy for anything, I am also very tired. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. This life really is so unfair. I wish you relief from pain in whatever happens.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

When things are really bad, its hard for me to enjoy hobbies too. My favourite female streamer was probably DeerNadia, speaking of card games she played Hearthstone. And even though I only watched her stream once, she stayed out of controversy and seemed nice. Even she quit and isn't that rich considering. I think women in gaming attract just as many haters and creeps as ordinary fans.

I'm sorry you were born in the wrong body, it's unfair.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I understand having no energy for anything, I am also very tired. I'm sorry that you have suffered so much in life. This life really is so unfair. I wish you relief from pain in whatever happens.

Thank you as always for your words. You are always welcome to post on my threads <3

When things are really bad, its hard for me to enjoy hobbies too. My favourite female streamer was probably DeerNadia, speaking of card games she played Hearthstone. And even though I only watched her stream once, she stayed out of controversy and seemed nice. Even she quit and isn't that rich considering. I think women in gaming attract just as many haters and creeps as ordinary fans.

I'm sorry you were born in the wrong body, it's unfair.

I just wish I had the option to be able to market myself. Granted it isn't a large reason I desire to be the opposite sex. The main reason being that I just outright hate the male body and everything associated with being a male. But there are more reasons beyond that and the whole woman empowerment thing has shown that being a male really isn't that great.

I hate being in a zombified state all of the time. When I see someone I deem attractive of the opposite sex, I just shut down and when I see myself in the mirror I feel rage coming over me. I honestly need to be put down.