adventurer
Member
- Jul 10, 2022
- 34
this is a bit of a pointless complaint, but i'll make it anyway as this is the place i'm most allowed to unload what's on my mind.
in high school, i played the drums and even jammed in a few bands. it was a good time, and it was also a period in which a very heavy major depression hit me for the first and unfortunately not the last time. playing the drums was one of the ways i managed the feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and sadness that i felt every day for months at a time. there was and never really has been anything like it in my life; feeling at one with every beat, and getting all the stress and potential energy stored in me out. it was actually fun, and for the first time, i felt like i had an actual calling in my life.
fast forward to a few months ago. i'm a dead end high school drop out. for a while, i stopped playing, and that was when my depression and anxiety hit pretty high. not the highest, but not anywhere near the lowest. and for some reason, i couldn't drag myself down to the basement to play, no matter how much i wanted to. i was trapped in a body that was only listening to my depression, and not what i really wanted to do in that moment. when i'm deep in an episode, usually i don't want to do just about anything, but it was different this time because there was something that i wanted to do, and it was right there, down a couple flights of stairs. but alas, nothing came of it, and i continued on to have one of the worst months i think i'll ever have. but the verdict is still out on that, so we'll have to see.
fast forward one more time to now. the present, ish. maybe two or three weeks ago. i'm still feeling like shit, but i have more agency now, like instead of sitting in the passenger seat, helpless, i have one hand on the wheel and can guide myself a little bit. as of late, i've been back in that passenger seat, but that's for another time. in this period where somehow, some way, i'm not as depressed as usual, i'm able to go downstairs and play again. and having not played in a few months, i wasn't as good as i was a couple years ago, the muscle memory was still intact to some degree and i could play a fair amount of things by memory alone and plenty more by ear. but i noticed almost immediately after i started again that i had a very hard time staying in time with the song and keeping a beat consistent. oh well, i think, just rusty. and i leave it at that.
today, i went down and played again. and i just can't do it. i can't stay with the song that i want to play. i've tried playing with a metronome on, i've tried just playing without the backing track. it's like i'm always too early or too late. instead of the safe and happy thing it used to be, playing the drums stresses me out and makes me feel so shitty. i've lost the rhythm, the feeling of being able to get all my energy and pain and depression out in some form. in all the time i've played, i sound worse than i did when i started. walking away from the kit after a great session no longer brings me the feeling of euphoria it used to. instead it leaves me feeling sad, anxious, inadequate, and pained. drums were one of the last few things keeping me from dying.
well, one down, only a few more to go, i guess.
in high school, i played the drums and even jammed in a few bands. it was a good time, and it was also a period in which a very heavy major depression hit me for the first and unfortunately not the last time. playing the drums was one of the ways i managed the feelings of worthlessness, guilt, and sadness that i felt every day for months at a time. there was and never really has been anything like it in my life; feeling at one with every beat, and getting all the stress and potential energy stored in me out. it was actually fun, and for the first time, i felt like i had an actual calling in my life.
fast forward to a few months ago. i'm a dead end high school drop out. for a while, i stopped playing, and that was when my depression and anxiety hit pretty high. not the highest, but not anywhere near the lowest. and for some reason, i couldn't drag myself down to the basement to play, no matter how much i wanted to. i was trapped in a body that was only listening to my depression, and not what i really wanted to do in that moment. when i'm deep in an episode, usually i don't want to do just about anything, but it was different this time because there was something that i wanted to do, and it was right there, down a couple flights of stairs. but alas, nothing came of it, and i continued on to have one of the worst months i think i'll ever have. but the verdict is still out on that, so we'll have to see.
fast forward one more time to now. the present, ish. maybe two or three weeks ago. i'm still feeling like shit, but i have more agency now, like instead of sitting in the passenger seat, helpless, i have one hand on the wheel and can guide myself a little bit. as of late, i've been back in that passenger seat, but that's for another time. in this period where somehow, some way, i'm not as depressed as usual, i'm able to go downstairs and play again. and having not played in a few months, i wasn't as good as i was a couple years ago, the muscle memory was still intact to some degree and i could play a fair amount of things by memory alone and plenty more by ear. but i noticed almost immediately after i started again that i had a very hard time staying in time with the song and keeping a beat consistent. oh well, i think, just rusty. and i leave it at that.
today, i went down and played again. and i just can't do it. i can't stay with the song that i want to play. i've tried playing with a metronome on, i've tried just playing without the backing track. it's like i'm always too early or too late. instead of the safe and happy thing it used to be, playing the drums stresses me out and makes me feel so shitty. i've lost the rhythm, the feeling of being able to get all my energy and pain and depression out in some form. in all the time i've played, i sound worse than i did when i started. walking away from the kit after a great session no longer brings me the feeling of euphoria it used to. instead it leaves me feeling sad, anxious, inadequate, and pained. drums were one of the last few things keeping me from dying.
well, one down, only a few more to go, i guess.
