Venting Losing support because having BPD and/or CPTSD haha

[JKFleck]

LMFAO the one thing I need to get better is a supportive, listening and calm person and what I get is getting abandoned

Long story short,
I BPD self-harm and/or self curse, he was very supportive, I got slightly better over time, but he reached a limit of what he can endure from me, backed off with a mute without a definite time or if he will ever come back, then a month later I got clingy, tagged him in Discord and begged him to come back which is the thing that caused him to think I'm still not better and he thinks he's enabling my self-destructive behavior so he just blocked me everywhere and wish to not contact me anymore. (got muted 5 months ago, and blocked 4 months ago)

We literally had like 99% common interests, personality, values etc. we can relate to each other so much we're like dopplegangers from opposite sides of the world

"Why do you sound so selfish and lie so much?"
It's because he told me I'm a liar so I sthought I'm a liar too and started lying all the time to fit the self-image he gave me

"Why are you so manipulative??"
Because he told me I'm manipulative

"Why are you so kind?"
He told me I'm kind so I'm kind
"Why are you harassing everone?"
Because he told me I'm harrassing him so I think I'm a harasser so I started harassing everyone
Sometimes doing gratitude journal makes me feel worse because I feel bad for having no good reason to be sad, "feeling bad for feeling bad" "II already have this/that, why I'm I still sad", and the cycle becomes self-sustaining
Feeling lonely

 

[Thanksforeverything]

You can't really blame someone if they're not willing to accommodate your mental health problems. I have my own fair share of mental health problems that caused me to cut people out of my life. In my case, it was the other way around, because I could tell how taxing it was on others to remain supportive when I wasn't getting any better. I've known a lot of people who've developed their own sets of issues from trying to support others.

My advice would be, to focus on being independent and not have to rely on others completely. I know human beings are social creatures by nature, and we seek companionship in our daily lives. But don't make that companionship your entire identity. That's when you've gone too far. Try and create an identity for yourself that isn't entirely reliant on support from others and then go on to forging new relationships. When you have a solid grasp of what your identity is, it makes having relationships with others a lot easier. I know BPD can get in the way of this, but you need to acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses. That's the first step. Then address those in whichever way you think will make you the happiest. This depends on the individual, so only you can do it. I wish you the best. Living with BPD is very hard, but that doesn't mean you can't have meaningful connections with others.

 

[JKFleck]

You can't really blame someone if they're not willing to accommodate your mental health problems. I have my own fair share of mental health problems that caused me to cut people out of my life. In my case, it was the other way around, because I could tell how taxing it was on others to remain supportive when I wasn't getting any better. I've known a lot of people who've developed their own sets of issues from trying to support others.

My advice would be, to focus on being independent and not have to rely on others completely. I know human beings are social creatures by nature, and we seek companionship in our daily lives. But don't make that companionship your entire identity. That's when you've gone too far. Try and create an identity for yourself that isn't entirely reliant on support from others and then go on to forging new relationships. When you have a solid grasp of what your identity is, it makes having relationships with others a lot easier. I know BPD can get in the way of this, but you need to acknowledge both your strengths and weaknesses. That's the first step. Then address those in whichever way you think will make you the happiest. This depends on the individual, so only you can do it. I wish you the best. Living with BPD is very hard, but that doesn't mean you can't have meaningful connections with others.

Having a hard time putting it to practice, I used to be so good at living in solitude but my logic side knows that I'll have to survive on my own no matter what

 

[Thanksforeverything]

Having a hard time putting it to practice, I used to be so good at living in solitude but my logic side knows that I'll have to survive on my own no matter what

You don't need to survive fully on your own. You can still have people support you, that's completely natural. If human beings didn't support each other, we'd be long gone by now. But don't make that support your reason for living, but more so see it for what it is. "Support"- the literal definition of this word means that it has to be supplementary. So, try to build your core self up first, and then have your relationships on the side as supplementary help.

 

[jujuklam]

LMFAO the one thing I need to get better is a supportive, listening and calm person and what I get is getting abandoned

Long story short,
I BPD self-harm and/or self curse, he was very supportive, I got slightly better over time, but he reached a limit of what he can endure from me, backed off with a mute without a definite time or if he will ever come back, then a month later I got clingy, tagged him in Discord and begged him to come back which is the thing that caused him to think I'm still not better and he thinks he's enabling my self-destructive behavior so he just blocked me everywhere and wish to not contact me anymore. (got muted 5 months ago, and blocked 4 months ago)

We literally had like 99% common interests, personality, values etc. we can relate to each other so much we're like dopplegangers from opposite sides of the world

"Why do you sound so selfish and lie so much?"
It's because he told me I'm a liar so I sthought I'm a liar too and started lying all the time to fit the self-image he gave me

"Why are you so manipulative??"
Because he told me I'm manipulative

"Why are you so kind?"
He told me I'm kind so I'm kind
"Why are you harassing everone?"
Because he told me I'm harrassing him so I think I'm a harasser so I started harassing everyone
Sometimes doing gratitude journal makes me feel worse because I feel bad for having no good reason to be sad, "feeling bad for feeling bad" "II already have this/that, why I'm I still sad", and the cycle becomes self-sustaining
Feeling lonely

I'm sorry to read you've gone through this. I've had massive relationship ruptures from CPTSD splitting myself recently, costing me a relationship with someone whose interests and values almost entirely overlapped with my own too, so I know how difficult it is. Especially because I'm also blocked while she tries to move on and because I failed to give her space in the aftermath. She wants to be friends some time after 6 months apart, but I cannot let myself get past the romantic notions of us together, and that hope is causing a lot of agony (on top of the last message she sent me).

All of this is just to say that I can relate and understand some of what you're going through, and so I hope it gets better for you soon.

 

[Thanksforeverything]

She wants to be friends some time after 6 months apart, but I cannot let myself get past the romantic notions of us together, and that hope is causing a lot of agony

Please don't hold onto this false sense of hope. I know what it feels like to think of "What if" scenarios where everything ends in just the way you want it to, but this is the biggest detriment when it comes to moving on. You can consider becoming friends with her in 6 months when that time comes. For now, just try to focus on moving on with your life by cutting all strings attached.